To ask what boarding school is like

[Thesweetlife]

I went to a ‘normal’ state school and so did all my friends, both when I was a child and now. My life in my childhood/early teen years consisted of going to school, going home, eating tea with my family, watching TV, saw my friends on the weekends etc. It was quite a mundane life but I was very happy in my school days. I guess I wonder what it’s like to go to boarding school. How was your (or your DC’s) life different to that of the normal child/teen? Where you happy at your time at boarding school? Have you been shaped by it in the long run? How did it influence you in the long run? What sort of things went on that someone who went to a day school would be surprised by?

'God that is a hard watch. And it shows clearly that nicer food and nicer beds is not the main issue. It is being away from your family and living in an institution.'

Yeah, Boarding School Syndrome isn't caused by bumpy beds...

The thing is, those of us that were at boarding school 10+ years ago were told at the time "Oh but it's not like it was 20+ years ago" as a way of denying our experience and shutting down any open conversation.

Let's not continue to do that; clearly the actual experience of those who went to boarding school is valid.

Where my cousin lives it is common for children to sleep at school 2 nights a week. The school days are different lengths to accomodate and ensure that all children spend weekends at home. It seems on one level to be a weird set up, but then I look at the hours my older 2 sons are at school with before and after school commitments, and I wonder if the option to stay over a few nights and come home earlier the other days wouldn't actually work better. My eldest is in his last year of school and currently his Tuesday is from 7.15am to 9.30pm.

Her son (my child's second cousin who he is in regular contact with) chose a boarding school for the last 4 years of school. So 14-18/15-19. He's home every second weekend.

3 of my cousins did a six month exchange program age 16 at an international boarding school. All loved it and all have strongly encouraged me to consider sending my second child to the same place. Is six months completely and utterly different to a more traditional boarding school experience? I don't know what to think after reading this thread and other similar ones.

I also live in Australia where huge distances mean that some families have limited choices. The one friend I have who was at boarding school speaks positively of her experience. Her father died when she was in her first year of boarding and she and her elder sister were much more supported than her twin brother who for various reasons lived at home and went to a local school. It's also incredibly common for grade 9s at private schools here to have a term or 6 months away. My dd is not at a school that currently offers this but we did look at some, and many of my friends say that they absolutely believe these programs helped them and their teens.

Of course it is valid. I just think that it is one of those things where you do need to take the decade into context.
Similarly people viewing comprehensives now through an 80s lense, or grammar schools now (middle class tutoring) through a 60s (social mobility) lense.

This just sounds defensive tbh.

When the boarding school topics come up in MN they are always inundated with posters saying they went to BS, found it traumatic, and won't send their kids. Posters from different generations, not just ones that are 60years old! Their experience is far more valid that the indirect/ second hand experience of parents of boarders.

After all, how could a parent possibly understand? It is the nature of boarding that parents don't really see what it is like.

I recall once my DM saying to me when I had just got home for the holidays "you always come down with a cold on the last days of term, it must be due to tiredness." It struck me as such a weird comment. I would have colds pretty much constantly throughout the school year, it's just that she only saw 3 of them.

It’s the casual conversations and the love that your child will not get.

If they have a rash in an embarrassing place, who will they talk to? God forbid they have to see a nurse, they just want a casual chat with a parent about it.

If they fell out with a friend or someone said something to upset them and they want some advice about how to deal with it, without involving any other friends who’s allegiances may not be trusted, who do they speak to about that?

If they have an especially heavy period and leak onto the bedsheets, who do they speak to about that?

If they don’t think their deodorant is cutting it, who can they speak to for honest and non judgemental advice?

If they don’t make it onto the sports team and feel overlooked and sad, who do they discuss that with?

Friends are great but they can’t be parents. Neither can staff.

The documentary of a boarding school in the 1990s posted above has a headmaster say that adults who went to boarding school often talk about their own negative experiences, but boarding school now is totally different to how it was 20 or 30 years ago.

So people have been trotting out that line for over 40 years. The kids at the school also say the food is good and the staff seem caring. But the boys and some staff and parents all talk about getting used to it. The main theme is they just have to get used to being away from their family, being homesick, managing by themselves.

Oh and they saw their parents every three weeks as well, just like some posters on this thread have said modern boarding schools do.

I can see that mobile phones, attitudes of staff in pastoral care, flexi boarding etc have evolved considerably.

What hasn’t changed is that no one at school loves you and there is no one to talk to about the little things that are bothering you. Hard carapaces still required.

This is a secret fear of mine.. that my DD will get to age 10 and I'll just find her boring and too much of a hassle to be around and want to send her away.

I don't judge my DM for disliking my presence as a child because I can see that kids can be annoying. But I really hope that I can create a happy family setup where we actually enjoy being around each other, I'm just not sure if that's a rare thing and hard to achieve. Certainly there are lots of unhappy parents on MN who might find life easier if their kids were at BS...

'This is a secret fear of mine.. that my DD will get to age 10 and I'll just find her boring and too much of a hassle to be around and want to send her away.
I don't judge my DM for disliking my presence as a child because I can see that kids can be annoying. But I really hope that I can create a happy family setup where we actually enjoy being around each other, I'm just not sure if that's a rare thing and hard to achieve. Certainly there are lots of unhappy parents on MN who might find life easier if their kids were at BS..'

Wow. I have to say your honesty is refreshing.

I suppose it's lucky that in reality most of us don't have the option of sending our kids away if we get bored of them or if they're too much hassle.

I have to say that in my experience, boarding schools seemed stuffed to the gills with children who'd parents feel as you worry you might, so much easier to outsource teens than cope with them at home, and if you can do that under the guise of giving them the 'best' education then that clears many parent's conscious.

It's not generally the child's fault that their parents are unhappy. The solution to parents being unhappy should not be to send the child away unless the home environment is so harmful to the child that being taken into care or going to live with another family member is the less harmful option.

The one thing that strikes me when I read threads like this is that no matter how much better communication between family and boarder is now (phone calls, email, WhatsApp, video calls) it's still not possible for parent and child to have any physical contact if they're not in the same place. Touch is so important as a sign of closeness.

I judge your DM! All kids are annoying at times, even your own. That’s what MN is great for - sounding off into the ether about how annoying your kids are and then getting over yourself and giving them a hug. Not sending them to fucking boarding school.

My father was military so for "stability" though I am not sure we would have gone without the military contribution...
we didn't have much money, it wasn't a wealthy thing def didn't have lots of foreign holidays and ponies etc

I had been to 4 different primaries by age 8
Older siblings were away at school while we lived abroad so I was an only child from age 5-8 when I went away
My parents had been sent away to school from similar ages it was "the done thing"

I believed the education bit until I left aged 14...When I went to the local comp afterwards I was shocked at being average in class , assuming that my education had been superior.

@TimingIsABitch I had the same experience. I'd figured out that BS was a terrible place for me and was giving me bad attitudes and making me think I was better than other people, as well as being expensive, so at 13 I started asking to leave and after a while was allowed to. It was shocking and humiliating to then find myself put in the lower stream classes, as we had back then. Many of the kids in those classes simply didn't want to be at school, whereas I enjoyed studying and thought I was good at it, but hadn't realised that we were actually taught very little, and some subjects not at all. To top it all, a lot of the kids at the comp I went to were underprivileged and they hated me with a terrifying passion - think a fist in your face and an angry kid snarling 'Think you're better than us, do you?'. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire.

My eldest is 16. I have to say this is categorically not the case. The teens I know are interesting people and great company, plus you get lie-ins again and you can watch proper telly with them rather than Peppa Pig. I would bet a lot of real money that the vast majority of people who whinge about their teens wouldn't actually want them to board.

@MisschiefMaker Most parents enjoy being with their children. Sometimes we get fed up of the, frustrated or bored just like we do in any relationship. I love my husband, but as well as making me laugh, he also bores me sometimes.
But being bored of your child full stop and wanting to send her away as she is too much hassle is not normal. Love is the important ingredient.

'But being bored of your child full stop and wanting to send her away as she is too much hassle is not normal.'

It is in some circles, unfortunately. Friend was considering boarding for her eldest, 11, for secondary despite there being 5/6 very good private schools nearby. It hadn't been mentioned til they had their 3rd kid and ended up with 11,8,3 year olds and the mum wanted to go back to work FT.
The dad has an incredibly flex schedule, and WFH a few days a week too.

There was talk of opportunity, resilience building etc but thank god sense prevailed ( and £££ came into it - boarding more expense) and the kid is going to a private school where the minibus will pick her up at 6.30am and drop her back 6pm each day - so they'll only have the other 2 to deal with in the day.

I still feel for her - there's an outstanding local private girl school a 10 min walk from their house, and she's the kind of kid who would flourish with the freedom of being part of the local community but she's being bussed an hour away each day for convenience.

I do also think for some parents that with boarding they think that it will provide them with inoculation from social deprivation to some extent...
And yes lots of wealthy kids but can still "fall in with a bad lot" just not necessarily a poor bad lot.

@Handyweatherstation I have just watched the You Tube video, and all I can say is that it bears absolutely no relation to my children's experiences or mine as a parent. The past is another country. (Though I wouldn't have let them board at 8 full stop). The parents in the video bear no resemblance to the parents I know from my children's schools, either.

This was heartbreaking to me. my husband was sent to boarding school aged 9 and never saw any of his family again for 9 months. He was there until he was 18. He never saw his brother again until he was 18 either. We had couples counseling last year and there were so may tears when he relived his childhood experiences. It also explained so much of his withdrawn character, his reservations with people and many, many other issues he has with intimacy. He says that he never really knew what family and love meant until we had children. The love just wasn't there from anyone except his peers and even then it could change on a whim. I find that chilling.

He was vehemently against our children going to boarding school. Absolutely over his dead body.

I'm struggling to deal with my eldest being away at uni - I miss him so much. I would have never have coped with him boarding away from home. Having worked since having them (albeit part time for the first 5 years) I have always been incredibly greedy for time with my children. I'm glad they went to the local school and came home every day. Every mundane, annoying moment was appreciated.

@EstoPerpetua, I'm glad your children had positive experiences, many do not.

@DailyMaui, that is so sad and a story I've come across many times in the support group I'm part of. Healing from the early trauma of being sent away young is hard work and you need to be determined, but it can be done. I remember realising the extent of the work ahead of me and saying to myself 'The only way out of this is through it', then I set to and, little by little, I'm getting there. I hope your husband does too. That he has a family who love him, who he loves back, is an enormous help.

What also resonates is the breaking of bonds with siblings. A friend refused to go to boarding school - she is a very determined person. But her brother was sent away to boarding school. She says they grew apart as they spent so little time together.

@OutofEverything
A have a friend who's twin was sent to one boarding school, brother was sent to another and friend was kept at home.
It destroyed their sibling bond, the 3 of them being split like that. The brother had an awful time apparently although has a high flying job due to connections made but no relationship with the rest of the family, the twins struggle to have a relationship.
Not sure what on earth the parents thought they were doing. Boy was sent at 11 to 'toughen' him up and one girl kept at home as company for mum.

@EstoPerpetua You tell yourself what you need to to validate your choices. As do most parents.

I went to a boarding school as a day pupil. It was quite shocking to me what they got up to. Honestly the difference between my experience working in a care home for teens in my twenties and what the boarders got up to is fairly minimal.

If anything, the care home was better as we had loads of training on being ‘trauma aware’. There was plenty of trauma on show at the boarding houses but very little in the way of interest from adults.

If you did your homework and came back at roll call, then anything else was entirely fair game. Drugs, underage sex and bullying were the norm.

I left after a year and went to the local (moderately rough) state school which had far less wild behaviour.