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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

412 replies

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 14/02/2023 09:02

I'd just say "oh I'm not going home, I'm visiting a friend I'll catch you next time." And rinse and repeat till she gets the message.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 14/02/2023 09:40

What’s the opposite of a CFer? I once offered a lift to someone (going 12 milesout of my way after a special occasion) and it took me 5 minutes to persuade him I wanted to do it!

Eowyn78 · 14/02/2023 11:25

My car died a death last year. I had to sell it and at present, I am struggling to be able to afford another one.

I have to rely on buses to go to work. I have to ask my ex-husband to take our daughter to gymnastics every week. I had to walk to church and the shops in the freezing cold during Decemeber. I rely on a friend to kindly take me to Lidl's every week, so I can do a bigger shop.

Even my bike is not working that well at the moment. Last summer I cycled to the shops for my daily meal. I am trying to be as independent as possible with out a car but it sucks. I mean the Christmas tree is still in my garden and I cannot take it to the tip.

It sucks being dependent on others. I hate it and the sooner I get a car the better, so I can sympathise with the other woman in this situation.

If she is mobile, then could she walk back to her house from yours? I think that would be a good compromise. Maybe she should offer some money towards petrol as well? But please do see it from the other person's POV. If you cannot take her to the group, will she be isolated?

milkyaqua · 14/02/2023 12:17

OP's house is in the opposite direction from this woman.

FortunateCatsGlugDaquirisAllEveningBlindly · 14/02/2023 13:08

@Eowyn78 I heartily agree, it sucks. However, I will never manage to afford another car. I have never owned one, or a driving licence. I am medically unable to drive and throughout my life have relied on public transport, and kind people who offered me lifts in exchange for a contribution to petrol.
I read the OP’s post with horror. I have had and currently have similar arrangements to get to places over the years. I would hate to think that any of the people who were kind enough to offer me lifts to work or to groups we were both members of thought of me in such a way.
There does seem to be some discussion as to whether the OP likes this person. Whilst it may not be necessary for her to want to invite the woman round for cozy chats. Having to share regular car trips with someone it helps if you don’t feel you are being used as a taxi service, free or otherwise, something the ‘where are you?’ text might have emphasised in the mind of the OP.
If someone offers me a lift I’m on time, comply with their arrangements as they are doing me the favour. If I can’t make it I tell them in plenty time, if they aren’t coming one day, make other arrangements. You workaround.
I would be horrified to think that anyone who gave a lift to me felt like this.

Regards how the person got there, possibly she started off from a different point. She comes to the group from a closer activity, such as her work, or another hobby and simply walks the distance.
To be honest, talk to the woman. Say you cannot guarantee that you will be at every group meeting, so you cannot guarantee you will always be there to give her a lift, sometimes she will have to make her own arrangements to get home.
Does the group have software like Spond? Then she could see who was attending and not text the OP.
If the desire to discontinue the lifts is due to a dislike of the lady, for whatever reason, I am sorry I haven’t crawled through all the posts, then basically, end the lifts politely. I would do it face to face. Doing things via social media is cowardly.

ComfortablyDazed · 14/02/2023 14:10

The OP probably did like the woman well enough, but the expectation, taking her for granted, and lack of gratitude have possibly cooled any warm feelings towards her?

MadMadaMim · 14/02/2023 14:15

I've responded YABU because it's a non issie

Inform her that you're not going to be able to give her a lift in future. If she asks why (rude if she does!) say you won't be going straight home

Then on those occasions that you do feel like offer a lift, you can say you'll be going straight home this evening, would youike a lift (and drop her at a bust stop if you don't want the 10 min diversion)

Frazzledmummy123 · 14/02/2023 14:26

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1
Get off your arse and get your licence like a responsible adult, like we have. Tbh I think it should be a compulsory module that you cannot graduate secondary school unless you get your licence.

Generalising a lot there, not every non-driver is a CF who expects lifts off drivers. You sound very smug.

Cariadm · 14/02/2023 14:27

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 04:12

Of course you can't imagine it. You can't get out of your own head. You don't have the ability to think of anyone else but yourself. You see someone with a car, who (barring health and disability problems of course) put themselves out, got off their behind and got their licence, and you feel entitled to that. What did she do before OP came along? Walked, or took the bus. I'd of course offer if it was pouring rain or something, but every.single.time? That's going too far. Maybe you could try 'bekind' and 'politeness' to the drivers. But no. It's all one way with you. You only think of yourself and what you can get. And have the temerity to say we're the ones being mean. Take a look at yourself.

Show quote history

Sorry but IAmaWomanHearMeRoar (?!) it's you who needs to take a look and listen at and to yourself...You're looking at this from entirely the wrong perspective and assuming things that you could not have any idea about... Come down off your high horse and see this for what it is and how it could be dealt with compassionately and calmly...the OP is making a mountain out of a molehill and if she has a rational legitimate reason for not kindly giving this person a lift once a week other than she's annoyed by the so called 'entitled' attitude then just deal with it like a grown up?! For instance she could say something like I'm happy to give you a lift most weeks but there will be others when it's not possible, just let her know on a week by week basis what the situation is, FFS, just maybe she could try talking to the actual person instead of looking for sympathy on here?!

ItsaMetalBand · 14/02/2023 14:54

ellyeth · 13/02/2023 23:20

This thread has rather worried me now. After an activity each week someone I'm friendly with started to offer me a lift, for which I am grateful. That has continued but, having read this thread, I'm wondering if she feels obliged to do this and might be starting to resent it. It doesn't take her out of her way and I get out where it is convenient for her to stop. She does offer a lift every week, but is she just doing that because she would feel awkward not asking, now that a routine has developed?

I would never try to contact her to find out if she is coming - that is, I think, cheeky.

I do a hobby and swing by on my way to pick up a class mate. It doesn't take me much out of my way and I don't mind giving her a lift there and back. If she's offering you a lift then it should be fine, and it sounds like she would refuse petrol but a bottle of her favourite booze at Christmas I'm sure would be appreciated.

A neighbour and I both do that class and are literal yards from each other's door. She said to someone asking why we don't carpool to class that it's the only time she gets to phone her sister for a natter when the kids aren't interrupting. I thought that was an excellent reason/excuse, and I'll be using it if I ever get caught in a lift situation. My sister rings DM in the car on her way home from work 2 or 3 times a week as well.

I mentioned on here before that an annoying colleague overheard me saying I was driving her direction after work to my DMs and she basically told me she would get a lift with me. I was quite new and junior, she was very senior. So I did the only thing I could do. I invented several 'errands' DM needed me to do on the way and made the journey about 2 hours longer than it should have been. I was terribly apologetic of course, and colleague was quietly raging, but she never fucking invited herself into my car ever again. I'm happy to offer a lift to almost anyone, but this one literally lies in wait for several colleagues each evening to cadge a lift in order to save the bus fare.

Shakeyshakeyshake · 14/02/2023 15:56

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 14/02/2023 09:40

What’s the opposite of a CFer? I once offered a lift to someone (going 12 milesout of my way after a special occasion) and it took me 5 minutes to persuade him I wanted to do it!

Annoying, you were seriously annoying.
If you offer someone a lift and they decline, you don’t spend 5 minutes persuading them to take it.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 14/02/2023 16:43

Shakeyshakeyshake · 14/02/2023 15:56

Annoying, you were seriously annoying.
If you offer someone a lift and they decline, you don’t spend 5 minutes persuading them to take it.

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I disagree. My father made driving a big deal. He worked really long hours and hated the expectation he’d have to drive/ wait around etc. We were very rural with town 30 mins away.
As a result I have to persuade my mother to get into the car because it’s no bother. I don’t mind giving her lifts into town but she genuinely feels it’s a massive burden.

VivX · 14/02/2023 16:48

MadMadaMim · 14/02/2023 14:15

I've responded YABU because it's a non issie

Inform her that you're not going to be able to give her a lift in future. If she asks why (rude if she does!) say you won't be going straight home

Then on those occasions that you do feel like offer a lift, you can say you'll be going straight home this evening, would youike a lift (and drop her at a bust stop if you don't want the 10 min diversion)

The woman lives in the opposite direction to the OP from the venue. To give the lift, the OP has to* *divert, because logically there is no bus stop on the OP's way home that would be nearer to the woman's house than the venue they originally left from.

If the OP went straight home, she (the OP) would actually be taking the woman further away from where she (the woman) lives. How on earth would that be helpful?

LookItsMeAgain · 14/02/2023 17:35

Just thinking about this again @MinceandMash, when you're next doing your hobby and the woman gets up to leave with you when you're heading home, just say to her "Actually Jane, I'm not going in your direction tonight. I think that it's probably best for you to call an Uber or taxi or something. I'll see you next time though" and then leave. If she follows you, then drive to your house and go in. Don't invite her in to your home, when she gets out of the car say to her "See you at the hobby again" and go in and leave her there.

It's unlikely that she would (a) take the lift if it's not going in her direction and (b) if she did, she won't do it again as the walk from yours to hers will be too long for her.

FortunateCatsGlugDaquirisAllEveningBlindly · 14/02/2023 19:23

Frazzledmummy123 · 14/02/2023 14:26

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1
Get off your arse and get your licence like a responsible adult, like we have. Tbh I think it should be a compulsory module that you cannot graduate secondary school unless you get your licence.

Generalising a lot there, not every non-driver is a CF who expects lifts off drivers. You sound very smug.

Feck, I would literally still be in a nightmarish time warp of seizures and failed graduation if THAT actually was a reality.
On top of that, if I ever managed to get the cursed thing, one seizure would mean I would have to give up my license, until I had a year clear of seizures.
What flavour of idiot thinks that everyone who doesn’t have a driving license shouldn’t graduate from High School?
@Frazzledmummy123 smug isn’t the word I would use, but yes you are right they are generalising

CSUK · 14/02/2023 19:29

There is an imbalance here of good will from those who spend lots of money and time, learning to drive and meeting all the expenses of running a car. If you’re one of the people regularly relying on someone for lifts that doesn’t go out of their way to make an occasional gesture of thanks and gratitude, you are one of the people stretching the good will of others. Those people should not be in the position of having to explain ‘Flip it, I just don’t feel like being that nice today.’ … but when they do, I think they should just say. “I can’t do it today, because I’m in a bad mood. I wouldn’t be great company and my driving might be affected. I wouldn’t take the risk of having you in my car when I’m feeling like this.” It’ll at least prompt them to think… Lol.

Beaverbridge · 14/02/2023 19:44

Some crazy attitudes here. Why should OP have to tow someone home. How did she get back before. She shouldn't have to make excuses up, just tell person I'm not doing it.

ellyeth · 14/02/2023 22:34

Thanks to those who have made suggestions.

ComfortablyDazed · 14/02/2023 23:05

Name change fail?

JustABloodyMinute · 14/02/2023 23:07

@FortunateCatsGlugDaquirisAllEveningBlindly @Frazzledmummy123 absolutely agree!!!

RaiseTheBar · 14/02/2023 23:09

ComfortablyDazed · 14/02/2023 23:05

Name change fail?

I presumed that @ellyeth was thanking people for their suggestions in reply to her post (from the opposite scenario to the OP), which was somewhere in the middle of the thread.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 15/02/2023 03:48

Cariadm · 14/02/2023 14:27

Sorry but IAmaWomanHearMeRoar (?!) it's you who needs to take a look and listen at and to yourself...You're looking at this from entirely the wrong perspective and assuming things that you could not have any idea about... Come down off your high horse and see this for what it is and how it could be dealt with compassionately and calmly...the OP is making a mountain out of a molehill and if she has a rational legitimate reason for not kindly giving this person a lift once a week other than she's annoyed by the so called 'entitled' attitude then just deal with it like a grown up?! For instance she could say something like I'm happy to give you a lift most weeks but there will be others when it's not possible, just let her know on a week by week basis what the situation is, FFS, just maybe she could try talking to the actual person instead of looking for sympathy on here?!

Show quote history

@Cariadm That post of mine was solely to another poster, NOT addressed to the OP or her issue. If you had read my post, it would have been obvious who it was about.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 15/02/2023 03:56

FortunateCatsGlugDaquirisAllEveningBlindly · 14/02/2023 19:23

Feck, I would literally still be in a nightmarish time warp of seizures and failed graduation if THAT actually was a reality.
On top of that, if I ever managed to get the cursed thing, one seizure would mean I would have to give up my license, until I had a year clear of seizures.
What flavour of idiot thinks that everyone who doesn’t have a driving license shouldn’t graduate from High School?
@Frazzledmummy123 smug isn’t the word I would use, but yes you are right they are generalising

Show quote history

@FortunateCatsGlugDaquirisAllEveningBlindly Sigh. I have said repeatedly excluding health issues that would mean driving wasn't possible. I shouldn't have to qualify every single statement for every single whataboutery I can foresee someone making. Surely you can use some common sense and critical thinking. For goodness sake.

PomsInOz · 15/02/2023 04:03

I'm struggling to see how this can't be dealt with by a friendly "sorry, I can't give you a lift home tonight" from OP to the person expecting lifts. Repeat every week until she gets the hint. No need to say anything else or give excuses that can be argued against.

Cariadm · 15/02/2023 04:29

PomsInOz · 15/02/2023 04:03

I'm struggling to see how this can't be dealt with by a friendly "sorry, I can't give you a lift home tonight" from OP to the person expecting lifts. Repeat every week until she gets the hint. No need to say anything else or give excuses that can be argued against.

OMG!! A sane, rational, adult voice and attitude amongst the defensive and at times almost hysterical nonsense posted here!! Mountain out of the proverbial again by an OP!! 🙄😫