Page 12 | To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

Wetblanket78 · 13/02/2023 19:30

Don't mention about going shopping she'll probably say oh so do I then expect you to run her home with her shopping. I don't drive myself but would never expect a lift all the time. Only if they offer if they're going my way anyway. Or drop us at a bus stop on route.

endoftheworldniteclub · 13/02/2023 19:35

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 12/02/2023 19:03

I have a colleague who doesn't drive and everytime there's a dept off site or team dinner etc I always drive her there/home, she lives 20 mins away from me, so a 40 minute round trip as I also have to go past my house. I always offer, she never asks, she is a kind sweet woman whose company I really enjoy, but I know if I ever didn't offer she would not be difficult. These arrangements really only work if there is no expectation.

Perhaps if you just say you can't drop her off the next 2 or 3 times; that would be enough to shrug the expectation.

That’s very nice of you.

AllyArty · 13/02/2023 19:37

When you next see her tell her you can’t bring her the following week. Maybe tell her there are other things going in your life and it’s probably best if she doesn’t rely on you for a lift week in week out. She does seem to be taking you for granted, try and find a way to break the cycle.

Mandyjack · 13/02/2023 19:40

Maybe she was worried about you or wants a friend and that's why she joined the group. Have you ever suggested she contribute to petrol to help cover your costs?

winelove · 13/02/2023 19:44

I would start being inconsistent. One week tell her you need to do something on the way home so won't be able to give her a lift home. Next time get petrol and leave her in the car for a while.
Extract yourself gradually if you don't want to make a big fuss.

Roselilly36 · 13/02/2023 19:48

YANBU at all, I assume she went to the group, before you started and then had to get herself there and back. So she can do it again. Very cheeky just to expect it a lift tbh.

Sillyname63 · 13/02/2023 20:00

I think sometimes it isn't the actual giving the person a lift more that they expect a lift and don't appreciate that you are doing the a favour and not to be taken for granted. A thank you as they leave and a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine now and again can show appreciation.

MysteryBelle · 13/02/2023 20:04

I agree with pp that it’s the presumption you don’t like, not the five minutes. It’s her expecting the lift as a matter of course regardless of your opinion and the feeling of being used. The truth is, it’s rude of her. I like the advice of telling her “Sorry, I have an errand to run” even if that errand is going home 😀. Repeat those seven simple words until you don’t have to. If she tries to ask you details, what the errand is, don’t be goaded into making up things, just say “It’s out of my way, sorry.”

With all that said, if you perceive that she is not actually using you but is in circumstances where she is in true need, then I would give her the lift every week. But only you are in the position to ascertain the nuance.

MysteryBelle · 13/02/2023 20:06

I don’t know if it’s every week, how often is the hobby?

SylvieB74 · 13/02/2023 20:20

CrystalCoco · 12/02/2023 20:01

The following list of MNers won't see your point of view:

CFs
CFs who feel entitled to lifts because you drive and they don't
CFs who've never had a CF take advantage of them
People pleasers

Also old fashioned northern types who have the slightest bit of kindness left about them are easy going and believe in helping someone out when it’s no bother instead of being awkward and mean for the sake of it. People who are sick to the back teeth of modern attitudes of look after number 1
’cf’ ‘entitled’ etc 🙄

Lunnuni · 13/02/2023 20:35

Yes SylvieB74. It costs nothing if you are going that way in any case. Unfortunately many people today are selfish and don't want to do anything for others without expecting a return. They think the person getting a lift is obliged to them! I would have thought 'thank you so much' would be adequate. Not everyone drives a car. Of course if there were decent frequent bus services it would not be reasonable to expect lifts - but there aren't. Those with empty cars should be giving lifts whenever they can IMO.

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 20:38

You put a call out every time you leave your house in your car, in case anyone needs a lift, @Lunnuni ?

listsandbudgets · 13/02/2023 20:42

It's difficult - as a non driver by medical necessity not choice there are a lot of things I've missed out on over the years simply because I couldn't get to them and I was too shy to ask for a lift. I've had to cut my cloth to what I'm able to do.

However, although some people very kindly offer me lifts I almost never ask for them and defiantly never expect them.

If I were her, I'd be extremely grateful for what you've done but I'd also feel guilty about it and try to use a taxi or bus where ever I was able to. When people offer me a lift I will often take them but not ALWAYS as I don't want them to think I'm depending on it - which I'm not. I can still take taxis and buses as after all I'm not paying petrol, insurance, parking etc so can use the money for those instead.

MakeMineABourbon · 13/02/2023 20:57

ThreeblackCats · 12/02/2023 18:58

“I’m not heading your way tonight, sorry”

repeat until she gets the message.

This.

Grrrrdarling · 13/02/2023 20:59

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

Ask her to contribute to fuel & see if she wants to continue to get a lift or just tell her you can’t do it every week or anymore at all.
It is only 10 mins out of your life but you are doing her a favour, saving her time & if she is just assuming that this is an unspoken permanent arrangement she is mistaken & you need to let her know this.
On the flip side I often give friends lifts here, there & everywhere.

Tonight I went to the shops for a fellow mum to get goats milk for her dog that gave birth to 7 puppies 2 days ago & dropped it 5miles away to her. She is self employed, very busy & her partner is on doggy watch duties so I offered.
I am one of the few mums that drives in our group.
I am disabled so me driving is standard as I can’t walk far (fibromyalgia) , get tired easily (Chronic Fatigue) & if I have a panic or anxiety attack my car is my safe space
so having it close by is necessary.
Talk to her.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 13/02/2023 21:12

Text “I’m not a taxi” next time.

Even if she thinks you’re a bitch she can’t bitch to anyone else because it’s completely unreasonable and everyone will understand that.

Wiluli · 13/02/2023 21:20

Tell her from now on you are going somewhere else after . That’s not ok to take advantage

alanabennett · 13/02/2023 21:30

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/02/2023 04:32

@Mum97540 You truly don't see how the CFer not offering petrol or anything contributes to OP feeling taken advantage of? Are you one of these non-drivers who thinks you're entitled to inconvenience others and don't give a shit 'how they feel? Btw saying thank you doesn't excuse the fact the CFer doesn't offer money and expects the lift so much so she messages to find out where OP is. Thank you really doesn't cut it. "Thank you for inconveniencing yourself for me" doesn't change the fact that she is inconveniencing the OP and expects OP to be ok with it.

@Evasmissingletter In my country it's expected your get your licence as soon as able to ie 16, and get a car. Even very poor people living 100% on welfare have a car, it's nothing to do with disadvantage, it's the social culture of a country. In America for example most kids drive and have a car as soon as old enough. Yet in the UK I have noticed so many people on this site say "I don't drive". It's extremely rare for anyone in America, or even my country (I'm not in America or in the UK) to say "I don't drive". The only people who don't drive in America or in Australia or NZ or Canada or etc etc etc are those with epilepsy or vision issues or some problem that prevents them from getting their licence. Not wanting to drive is simply not an option. You have to get your licence and that's that. It's expected. I've discovered since being on this site that the UK has a completely and utterly different social culture regarding driving than any other country I've ever known. The amount of people who say "I don't drive" is absolutely staggeringly shocking. Where I am you drive and that's that. No discussion. It's like brushing your teeth, or going to school, or paying taxes. You don't have a choice. You get your licence and car and there is no saying no. You just do it. If the UK had a different attitude, and took personal responsibility and stopped being lazy and learned to drive they'd have less people out of work. The UK is so incredibly backward when it comes to no wanting to drive. It should be Drivers Ed in high school and then licence. Compulsory. No choice.

@wurlycurly Why is it always on the good people, the mugs and the doormats to #bekind ? Why don't the CFers and chancers ever bekind? I think the OP has already #beenkind for too long. Stop telling people to #bekind. Try being kind yourself by allowing others to be assertive and have self esteem and self respect.

@alanabennett You're clearly a non-driving CF chancer who has no idea whatsoever how much it costs/wear and tear etc. You really are blissful in your selfish and ungrateful ignorance. :(

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 Calm down, dear.

I'm neither a CF nor a non-driver. Not ungrateful or ignorant, either. I carpool and "put myself out" for people regularly - which is why driving someone four minutes out of my way (if you stopped frothing from the mouth for a second you could see that my response was not to OP but to a subsequent poster who complained about a four minute round trip) would barely even register. That's what human beings do for one another - they help each other out. In my world, at least.

alanabennett · 13/02/2023 21:39

pinkyredrose · 13/02/2023 18:39

I'm so stealing that quote!

Show quote history

@pinkyredrose The actual phrase is "They wouldn't give you the steam off their piss." I toned it down, because @bekind and all that 😉

alanabennett · 13/02/2023 21:41

SylvieB74 · 13/02/2023 20:20

Also old fashioned northern types who have the slightest bit of kindness left about them are easy going and believe in helping someone out when it’s no bother instead of being awkward and mean for the sake of it. People who are sick to the back teeth of modern attitudes of look after number 1
’cf’ ‘entitled’ etc 🙄

Show quote history

Exactly.

nostaples · 13/02/2023 21:49

I just don’t get why you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t hesitate. 5 minutes of your time fgs while it could take her 5 times that long on public transport. Maybe there will come a time when you would appreciate some sort of help from you. Let’s hope she’s not so selfish

TheHumanExperience · 13/02/2023 21:50

Moobae · 12/02/2023 19:00

why can’t you drop her at yours and she walks from there.
say to her you’re meeting friends and not going home, keep saying it until she gets the message

5 minutes in the car, can be a 30-minute walk. However, I would ask how she travelled there before.

Mum97540 · 13/02/2023 21:52

What an ugly world some of these people create. I'm none of those things Iamroar.

Everyone using a car at every opportunity, without sharing is destroying the environment. How can you have failed to notice that?

I absolutely despair for the future of our DC.

Mum97540 · 13/02/2023 22:02

The other thing that stands out though @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 is that you'd have to be totally deranged to lift share with you, so I think you're quite safe.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2023 22:03

I agree with pp that it’s the presumption you don’t like, not the five minutes. It’s her expecting the lift as a matter of course regardless of your opinion and the feeling of being used. The truth is, it’s rude of her
Agree with this.
I'd happily do a 5 minute diversion close to home if it helped someone out, they had the courtesy to check it's convenient as a medium term arrangement, and they understood that there's times I won't be able to do it.

I'd quickly stop wanting to do it if they presumed I'd be their transport, aimed to drift into it becoming their mode of transport and presumed that I'd be giving lifts without them asking.