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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

412 replies

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 03:20

Mum97540 · 13/02/2023 21:52

What an ugly world some of these people create. I'm none of those things Iamroar.

Everyone using a car at every opportunity, without sharing is destroying the environment. How can you have failed to notice that?

I absolutely despair for the future of our DC.

Oh ffs about the environment! Cars were created for a reason. EVERYthing is 'bad for the environment' including your phone/computer.

I absolutely despair at selfish CFs like you who complain about transport and technology yet expect a lift in that same transport. Get off your arse and get your licence like a responsible adult, like we have. Tbh I think it should be a compulsory module that you cannot graduate secondary school unless you get your licence.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 03:25

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ComfortablyDazed · 14/02/2023 03:29

Seconding everything you’re saying @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 03:30

Cate0101 · 14/02/2023 00:58

OMG you have a car. That's a gift. What's 5 minutes?? You're a bit ungrateful for the benefits you have I'd say. If you can't be there then let her know. If you don't want to help someone out, be an adult and let her know. But from my point of view you're a little mean.

@Cate0101 Excuse you?! It's a 'gift' to selfish CFers like you, but to us, it's a SACRIFICE that we WORK AND PAY FOR. It doesn't come free, even though clueless people like you think it does. We PAY for those 'benefits'. You're the ungrateful and selfish and mean one who sees a car and thinks FREE GIFT! It's something that costs money to run and own, not that CFers like you understand that. You have some nerve!

DulcetTones · 14/02/2023 03:31

LOL "a gift"...

Yes, OP is fortunate to be in a position to own and run a car, but it's not exactly a gift. Even if it was literally given to her, she still has to maintain it, pay to keep it on the road, pay for petrol, etc. I suppose she has many possessions that other people may wish they had, but that doesn't mean she she loan everything out because she's been fortunate enough to be able to buy things.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 03:31

ComfortablyDazed · 14/02/2023 03:29

Seconding everything you’re saying @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

Thank you. There are some really rude and selfish specimens here who have no care or thought for inconveniencing others.

nostaples · 14/02/2023 03:53

Well aren’t you the Good Samaritans@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 and @ComfortablyDazed ? Let’s just hope there never comes a point when you might need a little bit of help in your lives and other people value their own space snd choice to spoil the environment more than helping you. There are many read why people can’t or won’t drive. My dad has reluctantly just sold his car as he has MS and it would be hazardous for him and everybody else. I couldn’t drive for years as I lived in London where there was no point and then failed my test 3 times. I was still a v nervous driver for years having been run over as a child and would only do certain journeys that I was confident with. As a walker rather than a driver I was fitter, healthier, safer and more environmentally responsible. I am so so pleased that the nasty mean voices are in a minority and I’ve reported them. Hallelujah for the lovely ones who don’t resent kindness to others. My dad is helped by many, a whole network of neighbours and friends many of whom remember the little kindnesses he has given and continues to give to them. Likewise when I couldn’t drive. Thank goodness we do have Good Samaritans who give up their time, homes, car space, food etc to help others. Here’s a thing as well: helping others can actually make you happy. You certainly sound like quite angry people some of you. Perhaps helping others would bring a little joy to your lives??

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 04:03

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ComfortablyDazed · 14/02/2023 04:04

You have no idea what we do away from MN.

Just because I back the OP up and think she’s completely entitled to be annoyed by this, you think that means I don’t help people, @nostaples ?

Truly bizarre logic.

I’m part of a community that helps each other out all the time.

I also think the OP is not being at all U to be annoyed by this person using her without thanks.

That’s the thing. Being grateful to the people in your life who you help, and who help you in return ‘actually makes you happy’, to quote you.

What’s more, it makes everyone so much more ready and willing to continue helping and supporting.

Try it some time.

nostaples · 14/02/2023 04:07

I just can’t imagine being the person who would leave a friend or an acquaintance to walk home alone for the sake of 5 minutes once a week. Any more than I can get into the heads of people who wouldn’t give up a seat on a tube for an elderly person. It’s not even kindness, so much as politeness.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 04:12

nostaples · 14/02/2023 04:07

I just can’t imagine being the person who would leave a friend or an acquaintance to walk home alone for the sake of 5 minutes once a week. Any more than I can get into the heads of people who wouldn’t give up a seat on a tube for an elderly person. It’s not even kindness, so much as politeness.

Of course you can't imagine it. You can't get out of your own head. You don't have the ability to think of anyone else but yourself. You see someone with a car, who (barring health and disability problems of course) put themselves out, got off their behind and got their licence, and you feel entitled to that. What did she do before OP came along? Walked, or took the bus. I'd of course offer if it was pouring rain or something, but every.single.time? That's going too far. Maybe you could try 'bekind' and 'politeness' to the drivers. But no. It's all one way with you. You only think of yourself and what you can get. And have the temerity to say we're the ones being mean. Take a look at yourself.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 04:15

There's also those of us who are autistic and really don't like being on public transport so we got our licence so we could have alone time instead of being 'on' all the time. When you're masking and at the end of the day you get to sink into your car with 'phew!' and take a breather before starting the car, it's a lifesaver. There are many, many reasons why one might not want to be tied down to carpooling. Having autism and needing that alone car time is invaluable.

MichelleScarn · 14/02/2023 04:38

@nostaples I am so so pleased that the nasty mean voices are in a minority and I’ve reported them. Hallelujah for the lovely ones who don’t resent kindness to others.
Are you seriously saying that you are reporting posters for having a different opinion to you about not being a joyous free chauffeur to others?!!
Like pp this "kindness to others" always seems to only go one way doesn't it? "Do what I want/what l think is right or you are 'unkind' sod how it affects you"

MichelleScarn · 14/02/2023 04:42

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 14/02/2023 04:15

There's also those of us who are autistic and really don't like being on public transport so we got our licence so we could have alone time instead of being 'on' all the time. When you're masking and at the end of the day you get to sink into your car with 'phew!' and take a breather before starting the car, it's a lifesaver. There are many, many reasons why one might not want to be tied down to carpooling. Having autism and needing that alone car time is invaluable.

Ah yes but @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 thinking of yourself and any impact on you is so 'unkind'... the non-drivers who are CF are sooo much more virtuous than us drivers, we should laud them for giving us the opportunity to be kind and they are counter balancing us destroying the planet with our nasty lift giving cars, I mean we should probably be paying THEM now making them pay towards our evil fuel costs....

agonyau · 14/02/2023 06:08

shake her off gradually by explaining you’re in a rush so can only only drop her off near your home so she’s have to walk the rest of the way, and make that the new habit. She might get fed up & make her own travel arrangements or accept new plan - at least you won’t be playing ‘chauffeur’ by driving out of your way anymore. What is it with presumptuous ‘non-drivers’ who think drivers have nothing better to do but burn petrol ⛽️ ferrying them around free of charge - then often smugly claim they don’t need to drive coz they can get by on public transport…and free lifts from generosity of others 😡

NaatQ968 · 14/02/2023 06:12

Make something you each week, she'll soon get the hint.

Thighlengthboots · 14/02/2023 07:03

Oh give over with the "car is a gift" garbage. Car tax isnt a gift, I have to pay for it. Repairs arent a "gift", I have to pay for them, petrol isnt a "gift", I have to pay for it, car insurance isnt a "gift", I have to pay for it- everything about buying and running a car is a constant unrelenting expense. I'm not moaning about that, because I went into it with my eyes open but dont patronise us with this "gift" nonsense. Gifts are free- car maintenance is not. Its statements like this that give non drivers a bad name and this is exactly why you get threads bashing them- its not the fact they dont drive, its the selfish, entitled, patronising attitude they have towards those who drive and the fact they seem utterly entitled to what belongs to someone else.

Do you knock on the doors of people with swimming pools and demand they allow you to swim in their pool because its a "gift"? Do you go up to strangers and ask to borrow their shoes because theyre a "gift"? Do you demand work colleagues take you on holiday with them because going on holiday is most certainly a "gift" isnt it? Good grief.

VivX · 14/02/2023 07:04

Mum97540 · 13/02/2023 21:52

What an ugly world some of these people create. I'm none of those things Iamroar.

Everyone using a car at every opportunity, without sharing is destroying the environment. How can you have failed to notice that?

I absolutely despair for the future of our DC.

But the woman lives in the opposite direction from the venue than the OP so surely it is better for the environment for the woman to get a bus or walk than it is for the OP to drive double the distance (ie, to the woman's house and back) in the opposite direction to where she (the OP) needs to go.

nostaples · 14/02/2023 07:24

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Judgyjudgy · 14/02/2023 07:24

Cate0101 · 14/02/2023 00:58

OMG you have a car. That's a gift. What's 5 minutes?? You're a bit ungrateful for the benefits you have I'd say. If you can't be there then let her know. If you don't want to help someone out, be an adult and let her know. But from my point of view you're a little mean.

A gift? Hmm Yep, a gift that OP works hard for and has paid for

DiklaNadju · 14/02/2023 07:30

It’s obvious you don’t enjoy her company or have anything in common to be personal friends.
In life, some people are users, others are just simply unaware.
As this bothers you, tell her nicely in person, not to expect a lift from you every time.
Also you could make a point to drop her in the bus stop before your home.

BTMadmummy · 14/02/2023 07:56

Cate0101 · 14/02/2023 00:58

OMG you have a car. That's a gift. What's 5 minutes?? You're a bit ungrateful for the benefits you have I'd say. If you can't be there then let her know. If you don't want to help someone out, be an adult and let her know. But from my point of view you're a little mean.

OMG no it’s NOT a gift. They have worked their backsides off to save for a car, tax, insure, service and put in fuel.

A gift is free.

CrystalCoco · 14/02/2023 08:21

@Cate0101 your definition of 'a gift' is clearly very different from mine.

ginslinger · 14/02/2023 08:23

If you do decide to stop the lifts then it would probably be more helpful just to be honest and say that you don't want this regular commitment anymore and you won't be able to give her a lift. All this advice about telling lies to someone is exactly why we have so many misunderstandings. Just be honest and everyone can move on

Ineke · 14/02/2023 08:59

Has the person being given the lift ever shown her gratitude? If I was being given a lift like this, every time after a club or similar, I would either give some petrol money at the least, or a small gift, flowers, chocolates etc. It’s the fact that she now seems to have taken it for granted that would irk me.
I would either make it a formal arrangement with petrol money involved, or say, sorry, not going your way back anymore as have errands to do after club now.