Page 13 | To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

MinceandMash · 2023-02-12T18:52:23+00:00

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

LimeTwists · 13/02/2023 22:09

Could you say, “These lifts home after every session aren’t working for me and I can’t commit to them from this week onwards. I’m very happy to offer you a lift on the weeks where I can do so but going forward could I ask that you don’t solely rely on me to get home?”

You have to say something. She’s treating you like a taxi service: you didn’t agree to this and there’s no appreciation. How rude to demand to know where her lift was!

Frazzledmummy123 · 13/02/2023 22:12

nostaples · 13/02/2023 21:49

I just don’t get why you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t hesitate. 5 minutes of your time fgs while it could take her 5 times that long on public transport. Maybe there will come a time when you would appreciate some sort of help from you. Let’s hope she’s not so selfish

Agreed. I don't understand the big deal.

Mothership4two · 13/02/2023 22:14

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 16:51

They invariably see the point of getting into, and utilising, other people’s cars, though….

Show quote history

What when they except a lift? Do you think people live their lives like some scheming villain laughing into their sleeves when they get one over on other people? Should they refuse a lift on principle and cut off their nose? Seems like a lot of overthinking to me.

Giving lifts has obviously touched a nerve so don't do it then.

I have already said OP should just say no if she doesn't want to do it anymore

notjaneausten · 13/02/2023 22:20

I'm totally with you, OP. I sympathise! Lots of sanctimonious posters here tonight

journeyofinsanity · 13/02/2023 22:24

People seem to miss the point that it's the expectation that is grinding OPs gears bi totally understand that. When there is not even a hint of gratitude it's very annoying. And it interferes with the OPs freedom to pop off elsewhere. Lack of gratitude is rude and says a lot about someone. It suggests they are tone deaf and entitled so unlikely to be that great to be around in general.

Mothership4two · 13/02/2023 22:36

Quite amusing that posters who have said they wouldn't be that bothered about giving a lift have been called CFers by some on here. I would have thought it was the other way round! 😀

If giving the odd lift makes me hilariously part of the #behind brigade well that's fine I've been called worse! I don't think that deeply about it or get so hot under the collar about it

nostaples · 13/02/2023 22:36

Well god forbid that you should expect somebody to go an extra 5 minutes to drop you home when you’re both at the same venue at the same time instead of leaving you to make your own way by foot or public transport.

I bet some of you have those stickers saying in a world where you can be anything be kind too!

ArentYouAshamed · 13/02/2023 22:58

I've a neighbour who doesn't drive (their choice to spend their money elsewhere) who has got into the habit of expecting me to ferry them round after I offered to help them a couple of times.
I'll regularly get a text (I now keep it on unread) then a messenger message five minutes after asking if I got their text (also left by me on unread) and then they'll call or worse, knock on the door leaving me little choice.
They'll tell me that they need something from the shop and seeing that I have the car that day, I can take them to save them getting soaked in the pouring rain. So I need to get wet to chauffeur someone to a shop 3 streets ends away?

Now more often than not it's text asking me -impolitely to boot- to pick them a bunch of items (rarely anything essential) up from the shop when they've seen me leave in the car and they PayPal me the money back. So now I can't come home with bags from the local shop without picking up those items because they can see clearly I did go to the shop!

The final straw was on my day off, them paypalling me money and THEN telling me, saying they'd done it and it was for me to pick up this and that from the shop. I wasn't even going out that day!

Picking things up at a shop may not seem much, I mean, I'm there anyway so could (::vomit::) "Be Kind" but the extra shit that comes along with it as well as the CFer expectation is more than enough to piss me off. I don't WANT to remember a shopping list and search for items I don't usually buy. I don't WANT to separate my shopping basket and ask for receipts for different things. I don't WANT the extra headspace taken up. I don't want to be standing in a shop and texting that they're out of this so what do they want instead?

I'm saying no every time now. Fuck Be Kind. All 4 of them have legs. They all opt not to drive.

Tessisme · 13/02/2023 22:58

I'm the only driver in our house and like to have a good old moan about being obligated to take everybody everywhere. But even with my habitual grumpiness, I don't think it would bother me to drop someone home in these circumstances. I'd be annoyed about the person checking to see where I was though, but then maybe she was wanting to know if she should arrange other transport as opposed to being presumptuous.

Mothership4two · 13/02/2023 23:03

That's not Be Kind @ArentYouAshamed that's being taken for a mug

LikeTearsInRain · 13/02/2023 23:04

ArentYouAshamed · 13/02/2023 22:58

I've a neighbour who doesn't drive (their choice to spend their money elsewhere) who has got into the habit of expecting me to ferry them round after I offered to help them a couple of times.
I'll regularly get a text (I now keep it on unread) then a messenger message five minutes after asking if I got their text (also left by me on unread) and then they'll call or worse, knock on the door leaving me little choice.
They'll tell me that they need something from the shop and seeing that I have the car that day, I can take them to save them getting soaked in the pouring rain. So I need to get wet to chauffeur someone to a shop 3 streets ends away?

Now more often than not it's text asking me -impolitely to boot- to pick them a bunch of items (rarely anything essential) up from the shop when they've seen me leave in the car and they PayPal me the money back. So now I can't come home with bags from the local shop without picking up those items because they can see clearly I did go to the shop!

The final straw was on my day off, them paypalling me money and THEN telling me, saying they'd done it and it was for me to pick up this and that from the shop. I wasn't even going out that day!

Picking things up at a shop may not seem much, I mean, I'm there anyway so could (::vomit::) "Be Kind" but the extra shit that comes along with it as well as the CFer expectation is more than enough to piss me off. I don't WANT to remember a shopping list and search for items I don't usually buy. I don't WANT to separate my shopping basket and ask for receipts for different things. I don't WANT the extra headspace taken up. I don't want to be standing in a shop and texting that they're out of this so what do they want instead?

I'm saying no every time now. Fuck Be Kind. All 4 of them have legs. They all opt not to drive.

Good for you. You should have said no once you were getting the repeated messages.

ellyeth · 13/02/2023 23:20

This thread has rather worried me now. After an activity each week someone I'm friendly with started to offer me a lift, for which I am grateful. That has continued but, having read this thread, I'm wondering if she feels obliged to do this and might be starting to resent it. It doesn't take her out of her way and I get out where it is convenient for her to stop. She does offer a lift every week, but is she just doing that because she would feel awkward not asking, now that a routine has developed?

I would never try to contact her to find out if she is coming - that is, I think, cheeky.

VivX · 13/02/2023 23:24

@ellyeth Have you offered petrol money? If she's refused petrol money, perhaps buy her a gift every now and again or find some other way of reciprocating once in a while.

May be you could even say to her that you do not expect a lift and that she shouldn't feel obliged and if there is ever a time when it is difficult or inconvenient then you're more than happy to make your own way home - and mean it.

journeyofinsanity · 13/02/2023 23:25

nostaples · 13/02/2023 22:36

Well god forbid that you should expect somebody to go an extra 5 minutes to drop you home when you’re both at the same venue at the same time instead of leaving you to make your own way by foot or public transport.

I bet some of you have those stickers saying in a world where you can be anything be kind too!

There is being kind and then there is being a doormat. Know the difference. Have boundaries

ArentYouAshamed · 13/02/2023 23:30

Mothership4two · 13/02/2023 23:03

That's not Be Kind @ArentYouAshamed that's being taken for a mug

Not in their mind. Their reasoning is sound. They want some crisps, OJ or a chocolate bar for example. I'm at the shop. I'm coming back to their house (okay, 2ft away with adjoining front doors) why would I not? What's the point of them walking for 5 or 10 minutes when I can just do it?

I disagree of course but I would be being "unkind" in their eyes to say no.

And I'm bloody saying no.

BTMadmummy · 13/02/2023 23:34

ArentYouAshamed · 13/02/2023 22:58

I've a neighbour who doesn't drive (their choice to spend their money elsewhere) who has got into the habit of expecting me to ferry them round after I offered to help them a couple of times.
I'll regularly get a text (I now keep it on unread) then a messenger message five minutes after asking if I got their text (also left by me on unread) and then they'll call or worse, knock on the door leaving me little choice.
They'll tell me that they need something from the shop and seeing that I have the car that day, I can take them to save them getting soaked in the pouring rain. So I need to get wet to chauffeur someone to a shop 3 streets ends away?

Now more often than not it's text asking me -impolitely to boot- to pick them a bunch of items (rarely anything essential) up from the shop when they've seen me leave in the car and they PayPal me the money back. So now I can't come home with bags from the local shop without picking up those items because they can see clearly I did go to the shop!

The final straw was on my day off, them paypalling me money and THEN telling me, saying they'd done it and it was for me to pick up this and that from the shop. I wasn't even going out that day!

Picking things up at a shop may not seem much, I mean, I'm there anyway so could (::vomit::) "Be Kind" but the extra shit that comes along with it as well as the CFer expectation is more than enough to piss me off. I don't WANT to remember a shopping list and search for items I don't usually buy. I don't WANT to separate my shopping basket and ask for receipts for different things. I don't WANT the extra headspace taken up. I don't want to be standing in a shop and texting that they're out of this so what do they want instead?

I'm saying no every time now. Fuck Be Kind. All 4 of them have legs. They all opt not to drive.

Well this certainly wins the prize for being the worst .

what a bloody cheek they have, no wonder you are annoyed

Mothership4two · 13/02/2023 23:39

These types of threads can make you overthink things @ellyeth. I'm sure it's fine. You could ask her if she minds and be grateful - a Christmas gift would be a nice gesture. Personally I wouldn't ask for petrol money from someone I was giving a short lift to on a journey I am going on anyway. The OP seems mainly irritated by this woman's entitlement and ingratitude

MysteryBelle · 13/02/2023 23:41

ArentYouAshamed · 13/02/2023 22:58

I've a neighbour who doesn't drive (their choice to spend their money elsewhere) who has got into the habit of expecting me to ferry them round after I offered to help them a couple of times.
I'll regularly get a text (I now keep it on unread) then a messenger message five minutes after asking if I got their text (also left by me on unread) and then they'll call or worse, knock on the door leaving me little choice.
They'll tell me that they need something from the shop and seeing that I have the car that day, I can take them to save them getting soaked in the pouring rain. So I need to get wet to chauffeur someone to a shop 3 streets ends away?

Now more often than not it's text asking me -impolitely to boot- to pick them a bunch of items (rarely anything essential) up from the shop when they've seen me leave in the car and they PayPal me the money back. So now I can't come home with bags from the local shop without picking up those items because they can see clearly I did go to the shop!

The final straw was on my day off, them paypalling me money and THEN telling me, saying they'd done it and it was for me to pick up this and that from the shop. I wasn't even going out that day!

Picking things up at a shop may not seem much, I mean, I'm there anyway so could (::vomit::) "Be Kind" but the extra shit that comes along with it as well as the CFer expectation is more than enough to piss me off. I don't WANT to remember a shopping list and search for items I don't usually buy. I don't WANT to separate my shopping basket and ask for receipts for different things. I don't WANT the extra headspace taken up. I don't want to be standing in a shop and texting that they're out of this so what do they want instead?

I'm saying no every time now. Fuck Be Kind. All 4 of them have legs. They all opt not to drive.

This is awful. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for standing up to them. They are flat out harassing you!

erehj · 14/02/2023 00:47

I can understand why this would be annoying. It's difficult if she's not even asking but just expecting.

I think for a few weeks I would say casually, oh I can't give you a lift tonight, I'm going to the shops. And then do that.

Repeat until she begins to ask you if she can have a lift, then you can just say. Sorry, no, I can't! With a cheerfully apologetic face.

Cariadm · 14/02/2023 00:54

NashvilleQueen · 12/02/2023 19:04

Unless you actively dislike her I would be fine with this tbh. It's hardly out of your way and she doesn't drive. I get her messaging you to see where you are is a bit cheeky but this isn't situation I would ever create an issue with.

I was thinking exactly the same thing! As you said, unless the OP really really dislikes this person and can't bear her company for what sounds like one car journey a week (she doesn't say how long the journey is!) I personally don't think there is any way to 'get out of this' without her coming across 'as a bitch'!!! 🤔😒

Mothership4two · 14/02/2023 00:56

ArentYouAshamed · 13/02/2023 23:30

Not in their mind. Their reasoning is sound. They want some crisps, OJ or a chocolate bar for example. I'm at the shop. I'm coming back to their house (okay, 2ft away with adjoining front doors) why would I not? What's the point of them walking for 5 or 10 minutes when I can just do it?

I disagree of course but I would be being "unkind" in their eyes to say no.

And I'm bloody saying no.

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Who knows what is going on in other people's minds? In your mind it wasn't being kind anymore it had gone beyond that into them pushing the envelope and you feeling understandably put upon. Of course you said no. What unbelievable cheek.

My neighbour used to pop in to another (elderly) neighbour - to have a chat, see if she needed anything, basically just keep an eye on her - and when she died her family expected him to be involved with the sale of her house: assist in clearing it out, be involved with the estate agent on a day to day basis and show the house. He gave them a big fat NO as well. Gobsmacking

Cate0101 · 14/02/2023 00:58

OMG you have a car. That's a gift. What's 5 minutes?? You're a bit ungrateful for the benefits you have I'd say. If you can't be there then let her know. If you don't want to help someone out, be an adult and let her know. But from my point of view you're a little mean.

Cariadm · 14/02/2023 01:07

Tessisme · 13/02/2023 22:58

I'm the only driver in our house and like to have a good old moan about being obligated to take everybody everywhere. But even with my habitual grumpiness, I don't think it would bother me to drop someone home in these circumstances. I'd be annoyed about the person checking to see where I was though, but then maybe she was wanting to know if she should arrange other transport as opposed to being presumptuous.

I thought exactly the same and there's a lot of self righteous presuming going on which I suppose in a way is simply to help the OP justify her extreme irritation at somehow finding herself in the position of 'friendly, helpful and generally neighbourly person'?! I personally don't see the problem unless for some legitimate reason she really really dislikes the person?!

Tangofandango · 14/02/2023 01:28

All those saying “but it’s only a 5 minute drive” don’t you realise that’s about 2-3 miles. So potentially an extra 6 miles for the OP on top of the journey home.

milkyaqua · 14/02/2023 01:35

OMG you have a car. That's a gift.

Oh, come on. Unless it is literally a gifted car, it costs money to purchase. It costs money to keep it roadworthy, it costs money to insure, it costs money to run, it costs money for fuel; and driving itself costs the driver energy.

If she is tired after the activity and just wants to return home; or if she would rather drop into the supermarket and do a quick shop rather than have to schedule it for another day, that's her energy and time.