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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To admit I read it?

156 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 12/02/2023 10:47

Been worried about sister of late.
She has chronic health issues but are well controlled but seems unhappy and fed up. She is approaching 40, no kids, lives with our mum and stepdad and is single.
Was meant to be seeing a friend for dinner the other night, they cancelled and seems to have sent her into an even worse mood.
She does work as a outreach worker (ironically) but only does part time.
I was in the house alone last night and not proud of this
but I read her diary. She had not hidden it well but I know that's not an excuse.
Basically it had me in tears. She wrote about what a failure she is, what an embarrassment to the family she has become, how she gets used by everyone, and is invisible to us all and about her loneliness and how she has nobody to really chat to and other more disturbing info that I cant write here.
So what do I do now? Admit I read it and ruin our relationship or what?
I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 12/02/2023 10:51

It's inexcusable. She's never going to forgive you if she finds out as that would break her.

overthinkersanonnymus · 12/02/2023 10:53

Don't tell her or anyone that you've read it. Just make an effort to help her be happy and involved

billy1966 · 12/02/2023 10:55

Do NOT tell her.

You really shouldn't have done it and you need to suck up your upset.

I would offer her more support and in time suggest that she should talk to someone BUT do not tell her.

Is she used by everyone?

Perhaps speak to family in a general way about minding her more as she seems very down.

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 10:56

Don't tell her but start treating her better.

WaltzingWaters · 12/02/2023 10:58

Do not tell her you read it. She’ll be devastated/humiliated and won’t forgive you or open up to you.

do start involving her in things, try and get her some help, do anything you can to try to help her.

RatedAce · 12/02/2023 10:58

Do not tell her just be a good sister x

KarmaStar · 12/02/2023 10:58

Note down in private the key points of her distress then try to address them with the help of family without making it obvious you have read the diary.
Don't tell her you have,it will upset her even more that she cannot trust you,her private feelings have been invaded and now you are all patronising her...I'm sure you won't but she might feel like she is being pitied.
All you can do is try to help,be the best sister you can and never read someone's diary again.I know your intentions were good but now all you can do is to use that information to help her figure out a way forward.🌈good luck.

butterfliedtwo · 12/02/2023 11:00

Conkersinautumn · 12/02/2023 10:51

It's inexcusable. She's never going to forgive you if she finds out as that would break her.

It really is inexcusable. Do not tell her.

WandaWonder · 12/02/2023 11:00

You created this and if you say anything it will again be about you.

I don't care if I should sugar coat it or do some virtual handhold or whatever what you did was wrong, don't keep making it about you

dickdarstardlymuttley · 12/02/2023 11:00

What's done is done but do not tell her or anyone else including your DH. Use this information to help her without being overbearing or intrusive. It's tough hitting 40 in her situation.

Chamomileteaplease · 12/02/2023 11:02

As above and never ever tell anyone else about what you read. That would be the most disloyal thing you could ever do.

Littlelighttonight · 12/02/2023 11:03

Please don't tell her that you read her most private thoughts. She'll probably be mortified and may feel betrayed.

Instead why not use what you have learned to help her? If she feels invisible and like a failure, then do things to make sure is seen, known, heard and supported. You shouldn't have read it, but now you have you can use the information to help your sister change her life for the better.

butterfliedtwo · 12/02/2023 11:04

WandaWonder · 12/02/2023 11:00

You created this and if you say anything it will again be about you.

I don't care if I should sugar coat it or do some virtual handhold or whatever what you did was wrong, don't keep making it about you

Yeah, this.

Why would she not open up to you? Focus on that and try to fix it instead of feeling upset over how reading your sister's inner thoughts makes you feel.

TidyDancer · 12/02/2023 11:04

You can't tell her. You just can't. You've done an awful thing but please try to turn it into something better by being kind to your sister and taking better care of her.

Dotcheck · 12/02/2023 11:05

Oh my word- that is beyond hideous that you read your sisters most private thoughts.
Do you not ever feel that way? If so, does that mean you feel that way all the time? People often use journaling to vent their more negative feelings.

The fact that you didn’t know perhaps shows that she didn’t want to burden anyone with her feelings.

Do not tell anyone you read it. You may want to share the info as a means to unburden yourself ( even if you convince yourself you’re doing it for her). Just don’t. She would be absolutely humiliated. Don’t even tell your husband, as that would disrespect your sister even more.

Your behaviour here is appalling

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 12/02/2023 11:06

God that is a truly shitty thing to do to someone.

Reading her private and innermost thoughts out of morbid curiosity is both selfish and a violation of her privacy.

Never tell anyone what you read, you'll just have to suffer the guilt as a consequence.

BeautifulWar · 12/02/2023 11:06

Reading it was inexcusable - you already know that. Don't tell her because that will make her feel even more shit, but you could use the information you learned to do some good.

Does she speak to you? Do you think you could start a conversation along the lines of her not seeming happy? If not, could you take some of the things she said on board and try to redress the balance? Perform some small acts of kindness, spend time with her, do something thoughtful?

Bellalalala · 12/02/2023 11:07

That’s awful. You made a conscious Decision to invade her privacy. And continued to do it with every part you read.

Now, poor you, you feel bad because you don’t know what to do with the information?

What if she doesn’t want your support? What if her diary is where she rights these thoughts, when they come over her to get them out and then is fine. What if this is how she copes you take that away?

I really don’t believe someone goes from being a great, supportive sister to doing this sort of thing. There’s a reason she isn’t coming to you.

Fleur405 · 12/02/2023 11:08

That was a terrible thing to do and I’m afraid to it “punishment” will have to be keeping the secret and living with the guilt.

What you should do is really make an effort to build a relationship with your sister so she doesn’t feel lonely and invisible.

Notimeforaname · 12/02/2023 11:08

You fucked up. Keep your nose out.

I have thought all those things at one point or another and have written it down. You are bang out of order reading that and you should be ashamed of yourself.

emptythelitterbox · 12/02/2023 11:09

Never ever tell a soul. Not your DH, not your sister, not anyone.

With the information you have, do what you can to help her. Stick up for her if people are using her.

Spend some one on one time with her and find out more about her and her dreams and goals.

Invite her to more things.

category12 · 12/02/2023 11:12

Do not tell her. (Or anyone else about the diary.)

Give her an opening to talk to you, give her some of your time, offer support, and advocate for her where you can. Bring her into conversations and help her feel more valued generally.

Don't push her to tell you more than she's comfortable with.

LakeTiticaca · 12/02/2023 11:19

You can't unread it but you can be there for her, and try and include her in things.
However, the only person who can bring about change is yoir sister herself. She needs to take steps to pull herself out of her pit of misery, but you can be there to support and encourage her.

OhClunge · 12/02/2023 11:26

Do nothing but be kind to her
You have invaded her safe place, that's unforgivable

RemoteControlDoobry · 12/02/2023 11:30

You didn’t fuck up. Of course don’t tell anyone you’ve read it but in a way this is the best thing that could have happened for her.

From the tone of your message, you care about your sister and I don’t think you look down on her. And you shouldn’t as we could all have ended up in her shoes. In a way I have, but I had children first. But I know what it’s like to feel like the loser of the family who everyone has to take care of.

Perhaps opening up about your own imperfections would be a start. I think that’s a good way of helping someone to feel less judged. Offering support from a place of thinking that you have the life she would wish for will make her feel worse. Maybe….they’re thoughts that have just come to me.