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Original poster

To admit I read it?

156 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 12/02/2023 10:47

Been worried about sister of late.
She has chronic health issues but are well controlled but seems unhappy and fed up. She is approaching 40, no kids, lives with our mum and stepdad and is single.
Was meant to be seeing a friend for dinner the other night, they cancelled and seems to have sent her into an even worse mood.
She does work as a outreach worker (ironically) but only does part time.
I was in the house alone last night and not proud of this
but I read her diary. She had not hidden it well but I know that's not an excuse.
Basically it had me in tears. She wrote about what a failure she is, what an embarrassment to the family she has become, how she gets used by everyone, and is invisible to us all and about her loneliness and how she has nobody to really chat to and other more disturbing info that I cant write here.
So what do I do now? Admit I read it and ruin our relationship or what?
I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 12/02/2023 12:32

I only mentioned that I considered telling her because there was some disturbing thoughts in there which I'm now worried she will make reality.

I know it's hard for her being where she is at this age. It's easy to make practical suggestions like move away somewhere cheaper but this would make her even more isolated. Same as with retrain, who can afford to do that and save for anything else.
I know she thinks I have it great but DH also has chronic health issues, work is stressful and so is juggling that and life with young kids. Only she can make the changes but I know that's easy for me to say when things have come to me quite easily in life.

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 12/02/2023 12:34

Just start opening up a conversation in which you or she can approach having dark thoughts

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/02/2023 12:37

@TinaTeaspoons Of course I understand that you're coming from a place of concern. You really can't mention it though.

Take the things you have learnt about how she is feeling inside and come up with small, regular, tangible ways to make a difference to her and in her life where you can.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 12/02/2023 12:40

Whatever you do don’t tell her you read it

Gazelda · 12/02/2023 12:41

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/02/2023 12:37

@TinaTeaspoons Of course I understand that you're coming from a place of concern. You really can't mention it though.

Take the things you have learnt about how she is feeling inside and come up with small, regular, tangible ways to make a difference to her and in her life where you can.

I agree with this.

Suggest a meet up for coffee one weekend. Ask her to babysit the children for a couple of hours. Get the children to do a handmade birthday card. Ask her opinion on what to get your mum for Mother's Day. Ask her about her work.

Show her how valued she is. Show her how important she is to your family. Little and often.

milkyaqua · 12/02/2023 12:41

Why don't you just tell her you're a bit worried about her (leaving out the fact you read her diary and that make her more worried) and plan a nice fun outing for the pair of you together. You can't fix her whole life, but you can show her you care and remind her that life can hold fun and pleasure even in hard times.

milkyaqua · 12/02/2023 12:41

*made you more worried

Gymnopedie · 12/02/2023 12:43

I know she thinks I have it great but DH also has chronic health issues, work is stressful and so is juggling that and life with young kids.

And maybe she's give anything to have your problems instead of her own. In that sentence you sound very #me too.

As every other PP has said, you use what you read to help her. You involve her, make her feel valued. If the sentence I've quoted is a pre-emptive strike to explain why having read it, you're not going to do anything to support her, you're an even worse sister than you are for reading it in the first place.

Phatgurlslym · 12/02/2023 12:43

What an appalling thing to do. What gives you the right to violate her like that? Please don’t tell her. It is humiliating to know that someone read your most private thoughts, written when you were at your most vulnerable.

Perhaps you should focus on your own state of mind because it sounds a bit as though you are transferring all your issues onto your sister and may need help yourself. This isn’t unusual for sisters - I am a sister myself and get where you are coming from but we have to learn not to cross boundaries - even with a sister to whom you are close.

In any case please take the advice of people on here and just be a good and supportive sister to her.

Stravaig · 12/02/2023 12:44

You have the advice and direction you need - now please ask for this thread to removed. Not only did you read her diary, you then published the gist of it on the internet! If your sister reads this thread, or a newspaper article about this thread, she will recognise herself. Prove that you actually care by doing what is best for her.

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 12:49

What a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to care about.

Do not tell her you read her diary as there is absolutely no coming back from that.

Also we all have a horrible voice in our head that we need to silence and writing it did his helpful.

As PPs have said just make an extra effort with her.

My sister got married young and had a family and is the very typical 2.3 adults and children. Her DH is kind and hard working.
I am the single parent who did not want to settle down.
In theory I should be envious of her life but I’m not and she is envious of mine and the freedoms that I have.

Your sister doesn’t need to have children or a husband to be married and I would mention the parts of her life that you wish you had - lying in in the morning, being able to have hobbies, going out on dates etc

Xmasbaby11 · 12/02/2023 12:50

You can't tell her, so just focus on being a good sister.

LeilaRose777 · 12/02/2023 12:53

Please don't ever tell her that you read her diary. The thing with close relatives is that we tend not to really see them, they're part of our lives, like furniture. So even if we love them, and I'm sure you love your sis, we can forget to do little things for them to show that we care. My advice is to start being more attentive to your sister, do things solely with her, give her company which isn't just a family gathering. She may open up to you and you'll then have an opportunity to discuss things more openly. Or, if she doesn't, then you're still showing her that you value her company. Little kind gestures go a long way with people who are in a bad place.

PupInAPram · 12/02/2023 12:55

This was a safe place she could express her darkest thoughts. If you tell her, you may be taking away that bit of freedom to express the things she cannot take anywhere else. You will be hurting someone already in anguish. Please don't tell her or anyone else. If you tell anyone else, I guarantee she will find out eventually.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/02/2023 12:56

What you do was inexcusable and unforgivable, it was a complete breach of her trust and if you tell her it will probably only make her feel worse. Telling her that you breached her trust and read her darkest most private thoughts will probably make her feel even more like a failure. It could mean she no longer feels comfortable getting her feelings out by writing them for fear they are read again, you would potentially take away one of her key coping mechanisms and telling her what you’ve done could be the thing that pushes her over the edge. Presumably if she was happy for you to be alone in her home she trusts you and values your relationship, to find out that you invaded her privacy in such an awful way and potentially destroy the relationship you have and the ripples this would likely send through the family could remove a huge branch of her support circle. You absolutely can’t tell her or anybody ever or you risk ruining any relationship you have and making her mental health a lot worse.

If you want to help then be there for your sister, increase the time and support you are able to offer her, invite and include her to things. But don’t tell her that you invaded her privacy and breached her trust or that you have read her darkest thoughts.

beAsensible1 · 12/02/2023 12:57

why on earth would you tell her??? don't even hint to it. take it to the grave and work at being there for her and helping her to build a friendship network or hobby so she can feel useful to herself.

Exeterrose · 12/02/2023 12:58

Don't make this about you and your tears. Use this to build a better relationship with her and focus on her mental health and wellbeing.

Also don't patronise her anymore. Working part time is still working.... and good on her for doing so.

airfryerandelectricblanket · 12/02/2023 12:59

Never admit you've read it!

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but if she's already on a downward spiral because of how she perceives she is being treated by family, this could push her over the edge!

PupInAPram · 12/02/2023 12:59

I agree with removing this thread as well. Too much detail in the OP that could make her identifiable. It doesn't bear thinking about where this could go. Inexcusable OP.

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/02/2023 13:01

Stravaig · 12/02/2023 12:44

You have the advice and direction you need - now please ask for this thread to removed. Not only did you read her diary, you then published the gist of it on the internet! If your sister reads this thread, or a newspaper article about this thread, she will recognise herself. Prove that you actually care by doing what is best for her.

Quoting this for emphasis as it's very true.

You have put enough identifying information in there that your sister will very likely recognise herself. I'd suggest you ask Nightwatch to hide it for you for now until MNHQ are about and can delete it for you.

Brokendaughter · 12/02/2023 13:06

OP, telling her you have read it will not help her at all.

It is about you & how you feel, not about her & how she feels.

I'd suggest you never tell her, because you will just make her feel worse.

If you feel you have let her down in some way, maybe think about doing things a bit differently.

I have written, in the depths of mourning while drowning in grief & anger terrible things about how I felt in that moment.

I don't feel like that all the time (even at the time) & I certainly don't feel like that now.

I couldn't bear to think of someone reading what I wrote when I felt I was at the lowest point of my life & judging that as being the 'real me'.

People write things down in the belief that they are private & it is a betrayal of her trust in you for you to have read it at all.

Charlize43 · 12/02/2023 13:08

Try to support her the best you can.

Don't do anything to let her suspect that you've read it as older single women can be horribly touchy and defensive.

Don't beat yourself up over it as most of us would be tempted to read someone else diary if it was in front of us. I probably would have done the same (terrible person that I am).

NoodleC · 12/02/2023 13:10

Do not tell her or anyone else ever. Also posting on here was a second bad move.
You will NEVER be forgiven by her if you tell her. I speak from personal experience.
Tell her you are struggling and you know she is working part time but would she have time to help out a bit at yours. Say i need help to get sorted and you are so good at xyz. Have her over to dinner more, and ask her to take up a hobby with you. I would not talk to her about her feelings incase by accident use any wording you read. If she feel like your life if not perfect she may open up more to you off her own back.

xJoy · 12/02/2023 13:19

I wouldn't tell her. Keep that secret forever, but............. can you do something together. Dress design course! Join a gym? Or include her in your plans sometimes. In some ways, she's lucky, I know people working part time and omg are they living the life Grin but I suppose your sister doesn't do anything fun on her days off?

I'm single and busy with two teens so it's not that she's single, it's that she feels her life is empty. Is there any chance she could move out of your parents? It's not good for an adult to still live with their parents in their 40s as the parents with the best will in the world project on to you who they wish you were and make you feel bad for not being that. It's harder to just spontaneously invite somebody over for a coffee if it's not your place. I lived with my parents when I had younc dc (out of financial necessity) but I wouldn't recommend it. It's not good for your sense of your self (imo) Some people may get on great with their parents. In fact, my brother has a good job, lots of money, his own house, fancy car, seems happy, but in my opinion he's a bit too enmeshed with our parents. He mind you thinks I don't show them ''respect'' which means accepting their projections.

Mirabai · 12/02/2023 13:20

Never tell her, but personally I think it’s a good thing you now have insight into her thoughts - now you know you can be more of a support to her.