To admit I read it?

[TinaTeaspoons]

Been worried about sister of late.
She has chronic health issues but are well controlled but seems unhappy and fed up. She is approaching 40, no kids, lives with our mum and stepdad and is single.
Was meant to be seeing a friend for dinner the other night, they cancelled and seems to have sent her into an even worse mood.
She does work as a outreach worker (ironically) but only does part time.
I was in the house alone last night and not proud of this
but I read her diary. She had not hidden it well but I know that's not an excuse.
Basically it had me in tears. She wrote about what a failure she is, what an embarrassment to the family she has become, how she gets used by everyone, and is invisible to us all and about her loneliness and how she has nobody to really chat to and other more disturbing info that I cant write here.
So what do I do now? Admit I read it and ruin our relationship or what?
I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

Why are you aiming that at me ? I’ve as much right to my opinion as anyone else. You posted very judgementally, accusing the OP of projecting her own issues on her sisters without a scrap of evidence. Yes, she mentioned that her DH had health problems but she also acknowledged that she had been fortunate in her own life, and everything about her posts suggests the utmost concern about her sister. And you think that your way is better ?

Treating people as worthy equals – even if on the face of it, they're not – is one of the best things you can do for mental health. Don’t know what you mean by that. At all. One of the best things you can do for mental health is provide an environment where the sufferer can feel supported enough to open up about their issues and not judged in any way - certainly not as not a worthy equal ‘even on the face of it’.

The OP had concerns about her sister and read her diary, which she probably wouldn’t have done had she not been concerned. She didn’t say she ‘faced planted’ into her sisters’ diary ‘accidentally’ - she admitted she’d read it. Why do you assume she would be ‘intrusive and patronising’ given that they are closely related and she is so worried about her - even more so now that there is evidence that may relate to self harm ? I think this is more your subjective interpretation than mine

The issue isn’t whether she should have read it in the first place though, is it ? She already knows that. She asked what she should do with the information she now has as a result. The majority of posters are overlooking that in favour of piling in on what an awful person she is for reading it in the first place. Not the point of her OP.

You posted very judgementally, accusing the OP of projecting her own issues on her sisters

No, I didn't state, imply or reference that at any point.

Just re-read and understand now. You were aiming at me for what I said about telling her DH. I think it says more about you than me, that you’ve jumped straight to the assumption that this would be ‘patronising and gossipy’. My DH is the one person on earth I can tell anything to without fear of being judged and in the knowledge that it would be completely confidential. My advice to share with her DH and see if they could find a solution together came from that place. Not a desire to gossip or patronise anyone, but to help her sister, who is clearly suffering.

Discounting the numerous, predictable posts calling OP despicable and unforgiveable, the majority view on this thread is wise. Comments that OP should tell her sister and add to her suffering by showing her what a disgusting being she is, and to let her decide on that basis whether she should even continue a relationship with her, are unhelpful and cruel.

OP, on this occasion, of course the better part of valour is discretion. You acted for the best reason - this is coming for a place of concern for your sister and you're clearly alarmed and discomfited by what you read - but did a very wrong thing to achieve that end and you know this.

But, as you did read it, you cannot now absolve yourself of responsibility. You're now in the positive of having to live with your conscience, keep her counsel and never tell another soul, and ensure you are unfailing there as a support for your sister despite the demands on your life. I get it - I have similar demands, but I love my brother and am unfailing there for him as he battles the horrors of alcohol addiction.

Having read this, it does now place you in a position of increased responsibility of doing what is best for your sister (this includes taking down this thread).

Please don't fail her.

Well yes, we both clearly have different views (including about how to treat people), which is what threads and forums are for. You first policed my comment and I was merely providing context as to why I provided that suggestion. Again, we clearly have different views as to what kind of basic respect to treat others with, so this is an unproductive conversation.

Apologies. My autocorrect has apparently decided it doesn't know what an adverb is. I meant 'unfailingly', not 'unfailing', on both counts!

@DotAndCarryOne2 Just re-read and understand now. You were aiming at me for what I said about telling her DH. I think it says more about you than me

This is getting ridiculous and I'm going to stop replying to you. No one is "aiming at" you, no one is bullying you 🙄🙄🙄 I hadn't even seen your comment about your DH or whatever. You quoted me in some kind of rant, I replied you and then tagged you in an immediate follow up to add more context.

What you did was absolutely awful, and I can see why your sister doesn't talk to you about important stuff or come to you for help if you're the sort of person who can invade someone's privacy like that then even consider telling them you did it. That's all about you and your guilt.

Feeling guilty and having to keep quiet about what you did and never tell another soul is in my opinion, your punishment for breaking her trust like that. You're just going to have to suck it up.

All you can do now is use that knowledge to try and support her as much as you can and be there for her.

No, it wasn’t a rant and I never suggested at any point that anyone was bullying me. Your quote above cut off the most relevant part of what I said, so yes, I think we should leave our exchange there and draw a line under it because we’re clearly at odds and in danger of derailing the thread.

So you missed the part about how concerned the OP is for her sisters’ mental health, and the fact that there may be self harm involved ?

Never every say you've read it. Just act on what you've learned and try to do more with her, be more loving, little gifts of the 'oh I just saw it and it made me think of you' etc. tell her you're proud of her whenever she does something new/an achievement

My teenage daughter keeps a diary.

Although we get on well and are very close, it's probably got some not very nice things about me in it from those days I tell her she can't do something etc!

I don't want to read it as I could get upset too!!!!

My DH is the one person on earth I can tell anything to without fear of being judged and in the knowledge that it would be completely confidential.

Anyone who told their DH something that I'd kept private would get my absolute fury and I'd have nothing to do with them again @DotAndCarryOne2

It's an appalling thing to do. Absolutely appalling.

How have you got to that from what I said ? If someone asks me to keep something confidential I do - it’s not repeated to anyone, DH included. How is that relevant to this situation - I was talking about the OP sharing the information she had found with her DH in the knowledge that it would go no further and she would have trusted input into what to do with the knowledge she had. I despair of MN sometimes - do none of you trust your partners, or am I some dinosaur for having a loving and trusting relationship and regarding my partner as a confidante with whom I can trust anything ?

You were actively encouraging OP to share this with her DH. It's bad enough that one person, the OP, has read this vey private diary. Yet you think she should share it further with her DH?

We’ll have to agree to disagree as we obviously have different priorities. The OP has read something to the effect that her sister is thinking of harming herself, so that would be my priority above everything else, and in a similar situation I would trust my DH enough to disclose and ask for his advice. As I said, it depends on the relationship with DH, and no, if told something in confidence, I would not disclose to DH. Different situation altogether.

or am I some dinosaur for having a loving and trusting relationship and regarding my partner as a confidante with whom I can trust anything ?

You are confusing trusting your DH with any confidence about yourself, which is entirely your choice; and telling your DH private information about another person, which you obtained without their consent, in a complete betrayal of their trust in you. Which is the OP's scenario.

OP violated her sister's trust by reading her diary; then OP violated her sister again by publishing the gist of what she read on the internet; and now you recommend a third violation, that OP share her sister's private thoughts with her DH.

I remove people with incontinent boundaries from my life. I recommend to OP's sister that she do the same. If OP genuinely cared about her sister this thread would not exist.

"incontinent boundaries" is exactly how to describe some people @Stravaig

All of this. Absolutely. Get the thread removed, so the media doesn't pick it up. Your poor sister.

If I were the OP and my ‘incontinent boundaries’ meant that I stopped my sister from harming herself, then so be it. Depends on whether you prioritise what is and isn’t ethical over the physical well being of someone you love.

There are harsh reactions on here about you reading her diary. Everyone makes mistakes.

Don’t tell her, but do all that you can to support her.

It wasn't a mistake, it was a deliberate act that the OP knew was wrong, but did it anyway.

@keeprunning55 no way is that a mistake. Its a horrible thing to do and then compound it by telling further people.