To admit I read it?

[TinaTeaspoons]

Been worried about sister of late.
She has chronic health issues but are well controlled but seems unhappy and fed up. She is approaching 40, no kids, lives with our mum and stepdad and is single.
Was meant to be seeing a friend for dinner the other night, they cancelled and seems to have sent her into an even worse mood.
She does work as a outreach worker (ironically) but only does part time.
I was in the house alone last night and not proud of this
but I read her diary. She had not hidden it well but I know that's not an excuse.
Basically it had me in tears. She wrote about what a failure she is, what an embarrassment to the family she has become, how she gets used by everyone, and is invisible to us all and about her loneliness and how she has nobody to really chat to and other more disturbing info that I cant write here.
So what do I do now? Admit I read it and ruin our relationship or what?
I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

Do not tell, however start building a relationship with her so she has someone to speak to

I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

I should think not too.

It's bad enough that you read it behind her back and then told a public internet forum!

And this is an absolutely ripe topic for the tabloids and Jeremy Vine etc.

I didn’t think the OP should confess until she wrote in her second post that her sister writing some disturbing things and that she was worried about her actually carrying them out. I agree with you, in that if the OP thinks there is a more serious underlying mental health problem, or God forbid, a risk of suicide, then she should come clean and tell her sister she knows everything, assure her that she’s kept it confidential and that she’s going to to everything she can to help her.

It's a journal not a diary, and she's writing in it to keep her sanity.

Haven’t read the full thread so may have been mentioned but daily Mail have been picking up on a lot of posts here recently which I’m sure would be very outing of your sister saw

I’d ask for this to be deleted

never mention this to your sister and try help her if possible in a way she won’t know you read it

I agree with this. Anyone can have a crap time of things, doesn't make them less than anyone else. If your sister is a nice person which it sounds like she is, especially as an outreach worker (a role designed to help others), then good for her. Just do whatever you can to make her feel better about herself and more confident.

Do you think you might all look down on her a bit for living at home at 40, being single and childless and all that? Because life can be a real lottery and it doesn't make her a loser, or anything negative. Maybe just consider whether you all do think that way, because she might really be feeling and seeing it.

Same thing as far as I'm concerned. I treat my diary as a journal where I write about my feelings and day to day life. Let's not get prescriptive here about what the OP read, when the issue is should she have read it in the first place.

Exactly, it's just splitting hairs.

She shouldn't have read it and that's that.

going against the grain here. you read it - that's not great. have a word with yourself, but not give yourself a lifetime of guilt, but do try to make the best of it.

you know now that she feels invisible and ignored by you. so gently start doing things to not make her feel that. to actively show her you not embarrassed of her.

so something good can come from the fact you read something you should t have.

please don't go all in straight away - it will feel inauthentic. just start to make more of an effort x

What a mean thing to do. Have a word with yourself

@TinaTeaspoons Definitely don't tell her.

The obvious thing to do is the 'little and often' thing suggested by countless PP.

How much do you actually like your sister? Is she someone you actually enjoy spending time with, or is it a chore? A lot of the suggestions upthread are assuming that you love her and would be happy to invite her around all the time or even spend a week on holiday with her. But maybe part of the problem is that she isn't that nice to be around. People who are single and childless and still living with their parents when they're 40 are not always the most pleasant company.

Being single when your siblings are married is crap. Having no children when your siblings do is also crap. People tend to look down on single women and to assume that women who don't have children or at least a husband or boyfriend have nothing significant to do with their time and money and should dedicate their spare time to others. It must be much worse if you're stuck living with your parents and have health issues. A single woman can be made to feel that she's really worthless.
I would focus on treating her on the basis that she's just as important and worth spending time and money on as anyone else in the family. That her experiences and views are interesting and you want to hear about them. Be enthusiastic about her coming to visit (not with your parents), about celebrating her birthday, maybe arrange a sisters' weekend away without your children, etc. Obviously do this in a gradual way or she may not think it's genuine. If you can improve your relationship and spend more time with her, she may confide in you more or at least be more ready to listen to your very tactful suggestions on how she may be able to improve things. Tone down any "my family's great" stuff - I'd try not to spend too much time talking about your children or your DH. Don't come across as living a very different and more meaningful kind of life than her. Enjoy spending time with her as a break from your wife and mother role. Do fun stuff with her that you don't do with them. It will probably give her a confidence boost to feel that you enjoy being with her and actively choose to spend time with her.

Imo it’s inexcusable and you will end up doing more harm than good . You know she is very low so you can try and help without admitting you read the diary .
She is 40 , her life is not over , she can still find love and even have children .

Just be kind to her, no need to mention what you have read. Life is difficult for so many people at the moment but you now have the chance to make it a bit better for her. Can you suggest a trip to the cinema, afternoon trip to a garden centre etc. Don't do anything over the top, just give her your time and attention, I'm sure she'll appreciate it 😊

Being single when your siblings are married is crap. Having no children when your siblings do is also crap. People tend to look down on single women and to assume that women who don't have children or at least a husband or boyfriend have nothing significant to do with their time and money and should dedicate their spare time to others. It must be much worse if you're stuck living with your parents and have health issues. A single woman can be made to feel that she's really worthless

And multiply that if she has any MH issues. People implying that you've failed at life, that 'the right man will come along when you least expect it' 🙄and the general attitude that if you aren't coupled up with a few DC you are somehow 'less than.'

Nothing good will come of telling her that you read it. My friend's DSIS read her diary. She never trusted her again.

I agree with a PP that you should get this thread deleted. You won't need to tell your DSIS you read it, if this ends up in the Daily Mail.

She is 40 , her life is not over , she can still find love and even have children

See, I know you mean well, but this sort of stuff annoys me because it assumes that this is what she ought to be looking for in her life. What if she doesn't want that? what if she just wants to feel better about herself, whatever her life choices? it's just another form of pressure on her when she already feels like shit. And what if she can't find a man and she can't have kids? there's another thing she feels she's failed at when she already feels like a failure.

100 % this !!!

I haven't even told DH.

Why would you even consider it?

You write as though the contents of your sister's diary have shocked and upset you to the point that you can barely hold this in and need to offload, or confront your sister.

But at the same time, you've described your sister as having difficult personal circumstances and health issues. What did you think she was going to be writing in her diary - "Dear Diary, everything going to plan, life is smashing, I am 💯 killing this"?? 🫤. It surely can't be a surprise that unhappy people write unhappy stuff in their diaries.

This is one you're just going to have to sit on. Unless you want to generate even more distress in her life.

I just wanted to add to the other good advice you have that, when I kept a diary I only ever wrote in it when I was miserable, so on rereading it looked like I'd had a horrible life and that was definitely not the case.

That's purely your own subjective interpretation. It may have been slightly harsh, but intended as a helpful suggestion. Did you miss my entire last paragraph? Treating people as worthy equals – even if on the face of it, they're not – is one of the best things you can do for mental health.

If her concern wasn't specifically suicide beforehand, someone snooping (let's be honest, she didn't face plant accidentally into the sister's diary) and wanting to have a chat about what they snooped suggests they may possibly take quite an intrusive and patronising approach – even if unintentionally, and with the best intentions – so advice on tact and approach is relevant.

Also, OP, why do you assume you have to tell your DH?! This ties in with earlier advice not to take a patronising gossipy approach to your sister's MH, even if unintentional. Not having a go, some people genuinely don't realise there are better ways of going about doing things. @DotAndCarryOne2

We all have issues. And this is what the OP said about her own life.

“I know she thinks I have it great but DH also has chronic health issues, work is stressful and so is juggling that and life with young kids.”

Go back and read the OP’s posts again. She already knows it was wrong - she doesn’t need reminding of it. And it sounds to me as though she only did it because she had had concerns for some time - and she was right wasn’t she ? She posted for advice as to what to do with the information she now has as a result of what she did, but instead she’s getting many replies like yours, which are just a pile on. The ‘public internet forum’ the last time I looked, was anonymous and has helped many people with their problems, including myself, I have to say. The advice from people who are not personally involved and therefore objective, can be helpful.