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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To admit I read it?

156 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 12/02/2023 10:47

Been worried about sister of late.
She has chronic health issues but are well controlled but seems unhappy and fed up. She is approaching 40, no kids, lives with our mum and stepdad and is single.
Was meant to be seeing a friend for dinner the other night, they cancelled and seems to have sent her into an even worse mood.
She does work as a outreach worker (ironically) but only does part time.
I was in the house alone last night and not proud of this
but I read her diary. She had not hidden it well but I know that's not an excuse.
Basically it had me in tears. She wrote about what a failure she is, what an embarrassment to the family she has become, how she gets used by everyone, and is invisible to us all and about her loneliness and how she has nobody to really chat to and other more disturbing info that I cant write here.
So what do I do now? Admit I read it and ruin our relationship or what?
I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 12/02/2023 11:34

RemoteControlDoobry · 12/02/2023 11:30

You didn’t fuck up. Of course don’t tell anyone you’ve read it but in a way this is the best thing that could have happened for her.

From the tone of your message, you care about your sister and I don’t think you look down on her. And you shouldn’t as we could all have ended up in her shoes. In a way I have, but I had children first. But I know what it’s like to feel like the loser of the family who everyone has to take care of.

Perhaps opening up about your own imperfections would be a start. I think that’s a good way of helping someone to feel less judged. Offering support from a place of thinking that you have the life she would wish for will make her feel worse. Maybe….they’re thoughts that have just come to me.

She really, really did fuck up.

Really

Rinkydinkydoodle · 12/02/2023 11:36

Hi

I voted YANBU. People are getting understandably het up over what they perceive as a betrayal. I suppose reading a diary is a betrayal but it’s too late, it’s done, and now you’ve got to live with the consequences. You read it because you’re seriously worried, not because you wanted a laugh.

Guilt is a useless emotion to both of you in this situation. You know telling her isn’t the move, that’d be for you, not for her, and she needs your help, not vice versa. If you tell her you’ve been peeping inside her head she’ll likely retreat further within.

Sometimes we need to just live with the consequences of our actions alone. Use the important insight into her psyche that you learned through a morally dubious means to help her. Your fears are confirmed so start making plans for how you do that. Be subtle, don’t go in too obvious. You’re her sister, it’s not like you’re strangers, you have empathy, so use it. You were already concerned about her. Prove to her through action, not words, that she’s not an embarrassment and show her she’s important to you. You seem smart, it won’t be hard to think of ways to do it.

Also, worth bearing in mind that sometimes when people are writing when it’s never intended to be read by third parties that they can become very upset and overstate. As in, nobody loves me, I wish I was dead, that sort of stuff. They don’t necessarily mean it from moment to moment, throughout the day. Diaries are often a means of catharsis, they are not sworn affidavits, so don’t be unduly panicked, just chill and think about how to help her.

MelaniesFlowers · 12/02/2023 11:39

YABVU and were out of order and nosey.

You do not tell her you read it. As “bad” as you feel you need to now live with the consequences of your actions.

Ortegaa · 12/02/2023 11:41

Never tell her, it's unforgivable. But try and use what you have read to help her and reach out to her xx

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/02/2023 11:41

Dotcheck · 12/02/2023 11:34

She really, really did fuck up.

Really

Yes quite. OP most certainly did fuck up. It’s really NOT okay to deliberately delve into someone’s private thoughts like that!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/02/2023 11:42

Don’t tell her. All she will see is the break of trust and it will be just one more thing for her to feel upset and angry about.

Now you know how bad things are, make a conscious effort to keep a closer eye on her; to listen more (and sometimes just listen - not everyone wants a long list of potential ‘solutions’).

Lily0719 · 12/02/2023 11:45

@RemoteControlDoobry I agree with you, she didn’t f up, her sister may have committed suicide if she had never discovered what was upsetting her. She should never tell her or anyone that she’s read it, but she can use the information to be a better sister and hopefully their relationship improves.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/02/2023 11:46

Jeez, OP. I keep a diary and I've some (to put it mildly) less than loving remarks about myself and other people in it - among other things I use it as an informal therapy about things going on in my life and how I see issues from the past. Do not EVER tell her that you read it, and try to forget you did and what you saw.

On the plus side, you now know your sister is struggling, so take on board some of the suggestions above to help and understand her.

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/02/2023 11:47

However. Trying to get something positive out of this, please do keep an eye on her. As pp said, listen more. Let her know often that you love and appreciate her.

Stuffynosetime · 12/02/2023 11:47

I can’t fathom for the life of me why your go to is to tell her. Why is it not to come up with a plan to help her, she never needs to know you read it.

why would you wish to humiliate her further. It’s utterly inexcusable what you’ve done and what you wish to do is even worse.

MissingNightshades · 12/02/2023 11:50

I hope you're not going to ignore everyone's advice and tell her or anyone else. If I was your sister and you told me I think that would finally push me over the edge.
It's unspeakable what you've done, we are not entitled to know every single thought in anyone else's head.
Never mention it to anyone, even if you get frustrated or angry with her in the future.
She doesn't have to open up to you, just be a sister and don't treat her as someone with issues. Maybe look for something you both have an interest in and do a course or event regularly together, something different.

Createausername1970 · 12/02/2023 11:51

It probably not something I would envisage doing, but maybe it has served a purpose.

Agree with a previous comment that diary entries can be exaggeration, but if you were generally happy, you wouldn't write very negative stuff.

She does sound lonely and unhappy, and if it were my sister I would want to try to help. Can you ask her to stay for the weekend or suggest a day out, just the two of you, and see where that leads.

But I definitely would NOT mention the diary.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 12/02/2023 11:52

And this is why I have never and will never put anything down anywhere in writing that I am not happy for others to see.

What you did was despicable. You should never tell her and the only way you can even redeem yourself even a tiny bit would be to start making a concerted effort to support your sister.

MelaniesFlowers · 12/02/2023 11:52

Stuffynosetime · 12/02/2023 11:47

I can’t fathom for the life of me why your go to is to tell her. Why is it not to come up with a plan to help her, she never needs to know you read it.

why would you wish to humiliate her further. It’s utterly inexcusable what you’ve done and what you wish to do is even worse.

She wants to tell her because she feels guilty and she wants to use her sister to alleviate that guilt.

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/02/2023 11:55

Oh and just to make it crystal clear, you absolutely can NOT tell your husband, for goodness sake! You don’t tell ANYONE private things like that that you’ve discovered!

You will have to work your way through it on your own, guard those secret thoughts of hers very carefully, and resolve to do what you can in small, subtle, but meaningful ways, to look after her more.

Beautiful3 · 12/02/2023 11:58

No, don't do that. Make more of an effort to chat with her, messages/calls and invites to dinner/go shopping.

beastlyslumber · 12/02/2023 11:59

What a horrible thing to do.

And then to post about it online.

It is unforgivable.

Maybe you should tell her. At the moment she has a relationship with you on the basis that you're a decent human. Maybe you should let her know so she can decide if she's better off without you in her life.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/02/2023 11:59

I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do

That, to be old fashioned, is your guilty conscience telling you that you've done something that deep down you know you shouldn't have done. Great, you have a moral compass. What you do is forget you read it and be kinder and more understanding to your sister and she might open up to you about how she feels. What you don't do is even hint to your sister or God forbid your DH about what you've done.

007DoubleOSeven · 12/02/2023 12:06

Don't tell her, youll just make the lack of respect she feels more real.

Focus on helping her and consider carefully how your own treatment of her might have contributed to how she feels.

And ask for this thread to be taken down. If she's a mn user on the quiet...

Veryxonfused · 12/02/2023 12:10

Why would you admit you read it? How do you know this outlet to vent isn’t the only thing keeping her going? What happens if she can’t do that

LlynTegid · 12/02/2023 12:16

Try to help as best you can, though you should not admit to having read it.

HitTheBars · 12/02/2023 12:22

beastlyslumber · 12/02/2023 11:59

What a horrible thing to do.

And then to post about it online.

It is unforgivable.

Maybe you should tell her. At the moment she has a relationship with you on the basis that you're a decent human. Maybe you should let her know so she can decide if she's better off without you in her life.

This.

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2023 12:22

Absolutely don't tell her or anyone else. Just think of ways to support her. Do you include her as much as possible into your children's lives? That's the path we've gone down with my sister. Whoever has got them, she's invited along etc. Has she lost touch with friends? You can't be everything to her, but could possibly help so that she can go after the life she'd like.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/02/2023 12:26

@Rinkydinkydoodle What a compassionate, considered and helpful response. I hope the OP takes note of your reply. I agree with every word.

saraclara · 12/02/2023 12:31

Never ever tell her or anyone else. You have to live with this.

This is your punishment for doing something absolutely unforgivable. If my sibling did what you did, we'd have no further relationship.

You know what you have to do. You have to be a better sister and treat her well. And keep your mouth forever shut on this subject.