To admit I read it?

[TinaTeaspoons]

Been worried about sister of late.
She has chronic health issues but are well controlled but seems unhappy and fed up. She is approaching 40, no kids, lives with our mum and stepdad and is single.
Was meant to be seeing a friend for dinner the other night, they cancelled and seems to have sent her into an even worse mood.
She does work as a outreach worker (ironically) but only does part time.
I was in the house alone last night and not proud of this
but I read her diary. She had not hidden it well but I know that's not an excuse.
Basically it had me in tears. She wrote about what a failure she is, what an embarrassment to the family she has become, how she gets used by everyone, and is invisible to us all and about her loneliness and how she has nobody to really chat to and other more disturbing info that I cant write here.
So what do I do now? Admit I read it and ruin our relationship or what?
I have felt on the verge of tears ever since which I know is my fault but I just knew she wouldn't open up to me. Again, I know that isn't an excuse. I haven't even told DH. Just don't know what to do.

''older single women can be horribly defensive and touchy''

Well I guess that's a matter of opinion.

I think posters could make helpful suggestions here. 200 posts berating the OP for reading it aren't going to make a difference.

OP, I'd make use of what you read to try and be more supportive but also to create some happy times. I know it runs deeper than this but for someone feeling lonely, unlovable, an embarrassment etc. some positive time spent together would be a really good start. I wouldn't try to sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation. I'd free up some time, cast your eye around for something fun to do (theme park, mini golf, zoo) and say 'I've heard this is brilliant. Do you randy going on Saturday?'.

Then maybe organise a family games night or themed dinner night. I know it sounds twee but I've experienced feeling lonely and low self-esteem and a bit of low-key fun works wonders.

You're not responsible for her social life but if you can give her self esteem a boost it will make her more likely to socialise outside the family.

I wouldn’t mention it but I might say to her

you know I don’t say it enough but you are an amazing person and sister etc and so insert all
the things she is and I would really like us to books holiday just you and me in some sunshine can we save it together etc and go something just you and me and no
one else

etc and can we do an activity together just you and me weekly etc

Apologies for the fabulous autocorrect error in my post...

you need to offer her a helping hand,
involve her in your social life
make suggestions.
tell her you love her.

Tell her you are struggling and you know she is working part time but would she have time to help out a bit at yours. Say i need help to get sorted and you are so good at xyz.

There's this and one further upthread about asking her to baby sit. I get that it's trying to make her feel involved and valued, but if as she writes in her diary she feels like everyone uses her that isn't the best place to start. Fun social things, coffees, shopping, days out are the first things.

Please don’t tell her - or even hint that you know - it’ll make everything worse.

Instead, be there for her, do small meaningful things for her (a valentine sister card? Something cute and homemade?), invite her to do more stuff - maybe even do a hobby together?

Have more heart-to-hearts and find a way to be there for her more than ever.

This won't be a very kind thing to say but... Unless you were worried about suicide specifically, if you read it just out of "concern" (no matter how great), I can sort of understand what kind of family you come from, and why your sister feels that way.

My mother's method of concern is tactless, patronising, intrusive and overbearing and she would also do as you have done while feigning guilt (I think your guilt is real but convenient after the fact) – plus mention or drop hints about what she read, as you wanted to!

I think the most important thing is to just spend time together with your sister as an equal. Have fun or nice times together, which contributes to happiness, motivation and resilience. Don't see it – or worse, talk about it behind her back – as an act of charity etc. If it helps, think about what you enjoy about spending time with her.

Lots of people telling the OP it’s an invasion of privacy and inexcusable, unforgivable etc., and IMO some really nasty and unnecessary comments, given that she is so worried about her sister.

OP in the normal course of events it would be an invasion of privacy, and of course you feel guilty, but you sound as though you’ve been concerned about your sister for some time. Be honest, would you have read her diary had you not been ? Were you hoping to find the reason for her unhappiness when you read it ? If so then you’ve found it, but the dilemma is what to do about it now.

Only you know how your sister would react if you told her you had read her diary, but I suspect she would react badly even knowing that you were trying to help. I think the only thing you can do is to be mindful of the things she’s written about and try to encourage her to open up. The only caveat I would have is that you say there are some disturbing things written there. Is there anything that makes you think there is an uncontrolled mental health problem, or any sense that she may try to harm herself ? If so, then I think you may have to come clean and admit what you’ve done in order to get her the help she needs. You say you haven’t told your DH about it. Can you talk openly to him ? He may be annoyed at what you’ve done but if you think he will understand your motives and how worried you are, perhaps you could find a way forward together and help your sister. A very difficult situation and I hope you ultimately find a way to help her.💐

My sister read my diary when I was a teenager. I have never fully trusted her since

Don’t tell her but definitely start to make her feel less invisible and more included. Could you maybe take her out for a few hours, even if nothing is bought you could try on different clothes and take her to boots to trial some make up (if they still do that). I know you’re not 16 anymore but it might make her feel really good about herself.

This

Do NOT tell her, that was a pretty awful thing to do. However looking for some solutions you can tell her you love her, try and integrate her more into you family life (help with kids etc - she is their aunty) maybe you could go out with her once a month? Encourage her to join group (maybe go with her first time) etc. Good luck - you do sound like a caring sister - but no more invading her privacy

... proving my point, exactly.

Of course, it's a matter of opinion: Everything here is just opinion.

Don't do anything to let her suspect that you've read it as older single women can be horribly touchy and defensive

About reading their innermost thoughts and fears? yep, you bet us 'older single women' are touchy and defensive. I'd have been touchy and defensive at 18, as well.

Is 43 your age or your IQ?

Exactly this. Say nothing about the diary but step up.

What you did was a real betrayal so please don't ever tell her, she will never trust you again and if she is suicidal the humiliation could push her over the edge.

However it has also given you a huge opportunity - not to offload your guilt by telling her the shitty thing you did - but to be more supportive, to tell her how much you value her, to do more for her and with her.

Talk to the rest of your family, tell them you're worried about her and think she needs a bit of cheering up - don't tell them what you did or go into too much detail - but see if you can get them on board too.

Could you do something special for her 40th? Nothing too over the top if she wouldn't like that but maybe a family meal and get a really big special card and get everyone to write in it what they love about her and why she is so special, why they are proud of her, what an amazing job she does etc. It's not going to fix her of course, but it might stop her feeling quite so alone.

Of course it needs to be an ongoing thing to really make any difference to her so do whatever it takes to make time for her from now on.

Reading it was bad enough but why would you start a thread about it???? Hopefully you changed a lot of details.

Do not tell her you read her diary. Someone read my diary once and that invasion of privacy has never left me, I still feel so violated by it.

Instead invite her out for coffee or something nice at your place just the two of you and tell her she seems a bit withdrawn lately and is everything ok, has anything happened etc. I would say I'm a bit worried about you DSis, I'm here to listen if you ever need it.

Then just make more of an effort to see her or involve her, even something daft like I need to go get new bath towels do you want to come and we get lunch after or whatever. Be the friend you would need if you were her. Your tears and worries are not helpful OP, although I can totally understand why you feel like you do.

You’re right, it’s not kind and it’s not helpful to the OP. She hasn’t said anything about her wider family to lead you to judge what kind of people they are and I think you’re projecting from your own experience. The OP was clearly worried with good cause, because she mentions in her second post that there are some disturbing things written about that she’s worried her sister may actually carry out. There are a lot of people on this thread who appear to have only come on it to have a go at the OP and tell her what a horrible person she is. She already feels guilty, and is asking for advice on what to do with the information she has found - instead she’s being reminded at every turn that she’s invaded her sisters’ privacy. Here’s an idea everyone, if you can’t post something helpful, don’t post at all !!!

Just do whatever you can to support her, involve her, chat to her, take her out for coffee, cinema etc.

Can you use the knowledge to gained to help her? Ask how she is? Encourage her to join the local Woman’s Institute, book club etc to get out and meet people, gain confidence etc.

Where, in either of the OPs posts, is there even a hint that she might be transferring her own issues onto her sister ? Or that she needs help ? Sounds as though in your haste to tell the OP how appalling she is, you’ve entirely missed the point.

I think you need to confess. "Sis, I've been really worried about you lately, so worried I did something awful and looked at your diary. You poor love, I had no idea things were this bad"

Yes, she'll be furious and hurt. But she sounds so desperately in need of support, maybe she'll see it as a step forward in your relationship.