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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving 3 month baby for Hen do

279 replies

Layray · 11/02/2023 17:45

First time mum-to-be here and starting to plan my hen do. Getting married at Christmas so thinking October time for hen do. Baby will be about 3 months old by then and I don’t know if it is unreasonable to think I could leave my baby with partner for 2 nights?

Sisters are planning hen and they’re keen for a Friday/sat night hen in a lodge. We live about 5 minutes away from the lodge.

Has anyone else had their hen do with a new baby. What did you do? Would one night be better? Just don’t want to miss out on a proper hen experience!

So AIBU to leave baby for 2 nights for my hen do?

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 11/02/2023 17:46

5 minutes away seems ok, but you need to see how you feel. The distance makes it seem like it’s easy to get home if you need to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2023 17:51

You don’t know how you’ll feel when your baby is here. Are you planning to formula feed?

Overthebow · 11/02/2023 18:01

Depends on if you plan to ebf or not. If you do bf, your not going to be able to drink much at all and 2 nights away may not work at 3 months old.

FrenchTrellis · 11/02/2023 18:05

You can drink as much as you like breastfeeding, especially if you are then not feeding/caring for the baby. However you would have to express regularly to avoid blocked ducts/reduced supply.

Holding my 3 month old now, and whilst I'd be happy to be away for a few hours in the day, 2 nights would be too much for me. But you might feel differently!

PercyPigInAWig · 11/02/2023 18:07

It wouldn't be for me, I didn't want to leave DC at that age and as it happens was breastfeeding very happily and pumping was a bit of a pain (for me, not for everyone).
I also had less interest in socialising for a while, tbh the thought of a hen do would have had me running for the hills.

RosaBonheur · 11/02/2023 18:08

Do you plan to breastfeed? If so, this plan seems a little ambitious. You'd need to make sure your baby was OK taking a bottle and have a decent stash of milk at home, plus continue to pump at regular intervals during the hen do.

How essential is it that you can drink alcohol? I think I would have preferred to do my hen do whilst still pregnant and not drink.

Otherwise, would your sisters and friends be up for doing a post-wedding hen do, perhaps 3-6 months after your wedding?

Sassysia · 11/02/2023 18:10

I’d be really surprised if you’d feel happy to leave your baby for two nights at 3mths. A lot will depend on how you’re feeding I guess. But emotionally I’m not sure you’d want to leave the baby, especially being your first.

RosaBonheur · 11/02/2023 18:13

Yes, I went back to work at 7 months postpartum and did a five day transatlantic business trip at 11 months, but I definitely wouldn't have been ready to leave my baby for two nights at three months, breastfed or not.

AliasGrape · 11/02/2023 18:15

It’s not only breastfeeding.

I formula fed (not by choice admittedly but that shouldn’t matter) and couldn’t have left DD for 2 nights at that age. Didn’t leave her for a single night till she was well over one in fact, and only then as it was for work. At 3 months or slightly older DH took her out for a few hours without me and I was on pins for him to get back is it just felt so wrong somehow.

Full disclosure she was a lockdown baby so it’s not like we had many options to be apart anyway. And I had some postnatal anxiety issues which definitely weren’t ideal.

So I’m not saying that in a patronising ‘oh you do what you like but personally I could never’ type way. Maybe you will feel fine with it - in which case absolutely zero judgement from me.

But also you need to be prepared for the fact that you really might not feel able to leave for two or even one nights. And that’s fine too.

It’s really hard to predict how you’ll be before they’re born too, and before you know what kind of baby you’ll get!

Divebar2021 · 11/02/2023 18:21

I’m not sure why it needs to be in October if the wedding is at Christmas. I think perhaps once the hormones have kicked you won’t feel the same about going - or I wouldn’t have anyway.

Glitterstars · 11/02/2023 18:25

My little one is 3 months now second child and I wouldn’t want to leave him for 2 nights. Also I can’t leave him for more than a couple of hours at the moment as breastfeeding and he refuses to take a bottle so if you are planning to bf then be aware that not all babies will take a bottle no matter how much you try. And if you are bf it would be a pain to have to pump all the time to keep your supply up. I also think if I wasn’t feeding I still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him

RealBecca · 11/02/2023 18:25

Honestly I think when the time comes around you'll want to cancel it. Babies often dont sleep well at night and you'll be shattered and hormonal and just want to be near to your baby most of the time, even if its just 5 minutes away.

MrNook · 11/02/2023 18:25

I wouldn't have been able to leave my DD at that age (I thought I would until she was here)

Twizbe · 11/02/2023 18:28

If you want to breastfeed it will be hard.

Regardless of how you feed, 3 months is young. It's young for baby, but it's soon after birth for you. It takes a while to physically and mentally heal from birth and you might not be up for a weekend away.

Suggest you have the hen now before baby arrives. There's no set time limit between hen and wedding

parrotonthesofa · 11/02/2023 18:29

I also could not leave mine at 3 months.

Interestingly, this was seen as being a bit odd by people around me as I live in France and many mums have no problem leaving a three month old baby for a night of two. So many cultural differences in child rearing. Sorry to derail thread, just musing..

PurplePineapple1 · 11/02/2023 18:30

To actually answer your question OP, no you would not be unreasonable to leave your child with their other parent.

I'd have had no issue doing this so if you and your partner are both comfortable with it, then go for it!

RealBecca · 11/02/2023 18:30

Most people will say it's up to you and do what's right for you but 99% of mums probably wouldnt actually do it themselves for all sorts of reason.

I have zero judgement against it. None at all. But my expectations vs reality of having a new baby brought me to my knees and I think perhaps people are being very kind and telling you you might be ok to do it when the honest answer is that most mums would find it hell on earth between missing the baby, hormones, tiredness.

I would recommend two consecutive days and if you feel up to it after the baby then you could book yourself a hotel alone and enjoy the peace x

Annon1234 · 11/02/2023 18:32

i think it would be absolutely fine. I could have left my daughter for 2 nights at 3 months old. Her dad was extremely capable and she settled fine for him, plus she was bottle fed. She everyone is different but i wouldn’t completely rule it out

MistyFrequencies · 11/02/2023 18:32

I couldnt have done it. With either child. Largely because they were breastfed bottle refusers. But even if they werent, whilst logically i would know they would be safe with my husband, i wouldnt have WANTED to leave them.

Cakecakecheese · 11/02/2023 18:33

I honestly don't think you'll know until the baby is here. You might quite like the break or you might find it too hard to leave him.

bussteward · 11/02/2023 18:34

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave your baby at three months but you have no way of knowing whether you’ll want to! You may decide to breastfeed and have a bottle-refusing baby; you may have a strong hormonal urge to not be parted with them; they may be the sleeper from hell and you have no energy to do this or they’ll only settle by cosleeping. It’s an “all to play for” scenario but on balance I imagine you just wouldn’t want to at that age.

Cakecakecheese · 11/02/2023 18:35

Sorry I said him automatically as my baby is a boy!

2crossedout1 · 11/02/2023 18:37

I went to a hen do (not my own) when my baby was 12 weeks and breastfed, but I went for the day only and didn't stay overnight. That was hard enough tbh!

RosaBonheur · 11/02/2023 18:39

parrotonthesofa · 11/02/2023 18:29

I also could not leave mine at 3 months.

Interestingly, this was seen as being a bit odd by people around me as I live in France and many mums have no problem leaving a three month old baby for a night of two. So many cultural differences in child rearing. Sorry to derail thread, just musing..

I live in France too. I guess that three months is around the time most women go back to work, and if the baby isn't already formula fed they will be from that point onwards, so the idea of leaving them for a night doesn't seem so alien.

I went back to work at 7 months which was seen as an extended maternity leave, and on my first day back I learned that the whole team was going on an overnight trip the following week. I think I'd have got pretty short shrift from my boss if I'd said I wasn't going, so off I went with my breast pump. (It was fine. But it wouldn't have been fine for me at 3 months.)

StrongUsernameHere · 11/02/2023 18:50

I’ve left my young baby a few times but couldn’t do overnight and I was texting for updates, pics etc each time. It’s not about how much you trust the person looking after them, it’s just that you may well be completely obsessed! Could you do the days away but nights with the baby? You won’t necessarily feel 2 nights away is undesirable or impractical - especially if formula feeding - but best to make sure your plans can be changed/dialled down imho.

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