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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving 3 month baby for Hen do

279 replies

Layray · 11/02/2023 17:45

First time mum-to-be here and starting to plan my hen do. Getting married at Christmas so thinking October time for hen do. Baby will be about 3 months old by then and I don’t know if it is unreasonable to think I could leave my baby with partner for 2 nights?

Sisters are planning hen and they’re keen for a Friday/sat night hen in a lodge. We live about 5 minutes away from the lodge.

Has anyone else had their hen do with a new baby. What did you do? Would one night be better? Just don’t want to miss out on a proper hen experience!

So AIBU to leave baby for 2 nights for my hen do?

OP posts:
Username24680 · 11/02/2023 19:00

I’m sure opinions on this will vary hugely @Layray - and honestly, I really don’t think you’ll know how you’ll feel until the time comes. I never imagined myself being the mum who was still not ready to spend a night away from my child at 2 years old - but here I am 🤣🤣🙈 I have a hen weekend in September this year and I know it’s going to be the most fun, and I really can’t wait to have a lovely time with the girls. But it’ll be my first time away from my (by then almost 3 year old 😳) child and quite frankly, I feel sick at the thought 🤣🤣

DH is an amazing parent and is absolutely more than capable...and I absolutely could leave our child with him with no issues at all. I just have no desire to whatsoever 🙈

Isthisexpected · 11/02/2023 19:02

Unthinkable here to leave a three month old for overnights.

Please at least try and think of your baby before yourself.

lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/

Flamingogirl08 · 11/02/2023 19:03

Isthisexpected · 11/02/2023 19:02

Unthinkable here to leave a three month old for overnights.

Please at least try and think of your baby before yourself.

lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/

🙄

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/02/2023 19:04

It's a personal choice and really depends on how you'll feel which is impossible to know for sure.

Mine is 9 weeks and he had his first sleepover at 6 weeks, I'll be going back to work when he's 3 months. I feel comfortable leaving him, I miss him but also enjoy the adult company and conversation and he gets to have some special time with family members.

It also helps that I formula feed so anyone can feed him.

Flamingogirl08 · 11/02/2023 19:05

You would not be unreasonable to do it but you may not feel like doing it when it comes around. If it is only 5 mins away though that may make it easier. Maybe book the 2 nights but if its too much just head home. I'm sure the hens will understand. Congratulations by the way!

Boringcookingquestion · 11/02/2023 19:08

I wouldn’t book anything until your baby is here, there’s just no way of knowing how you will feel.

With my first I wouldn’t even have been able to consider it. My second did stay at my mum’s for a night at around that age… and I cried and felt miserable most of the night (no one made me, I thought I wanted a break 😬).

On the other hand, I have friends who were happy to leave their babies straight away. Hormones are funny things and there’s no way of knowing how they’ll affect you.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/02/2023 19:08

I breastfed and could leave mine overnight with expressed milk at that age but I wouldn't have managed 2 nights.

HystericalAndUseless · 11/02/2023 19:12

Before I had my baby I thought I would be able to leave her for overnights pretty much straightaway. Personally I couldn't do it! Once she was born, I felt differently, and with everything I knew about attachment theory I decided it would be unhealthy for her to have any overnights away from me whilst she is still feeding in the night and wanting comfort.

That said, I'm a single mum. She does see her dad but she isn't used to him doing night feeds. I am the person who is always there overnight so I feel it would upset her for it to suddenly be another person. But if your fiance is doing the night feeds regularly and baby is happy to be left with him for a long time and he is an equal carer, it might not be a problem for you.

If you are planning to breastfeed, and to still be breastfeeding at 3 months, it's going to be harder. Not only will you need to pump regularly to keep your supply but your baby will be without those comfort feeds and you will need to make sure they are happy being bottle fed in advance.

Ultimately, you may feel this is very do-able right now, but you won't know how you will feel until your baby comes along. I pictured myself enjoying long weekends alone or going on little breaks whilst baby stayed with daddy or grandparents, but in hindsight I see I had ridiculous expectations about how much alone time I would have 🤣

Mapletreelane · 11/02/2023 19:13

If you do breast feed two nights away is a very long time for your poor boobs, not to mention your baby will miss them.

When DC1 was 12 weeks old, my friend's hen weekend was held where I live so I could still go home and feed baby. I do live in a city famed for hen weekends though so that made it easier as loads to do. Although I do remember being sooooo tired. I really wanted to be at home in bed and not out partying and despite being with a group.of my closest friends not enjoying it as I was so shattered. Will be different on your own weekend though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and wedding OP.

Barneysma2 · 11/02/2023 19:14

This reply has been deleted

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Mapletreelane · 11/02/2023 19:19

Sorry OP, I answered previously but have just seen the lodge is 5 mins from where you live. That actually sounds doable if you breastfeed particularly if you have a supportive partner and can schedule in a few feeds and seeing baby.

If you are bottle feeding you'll be fine!

MelaniesFlowers · 11/02/2023 19:22

YABU and unrealistic.

The boat has already sailed on “the proper hen experience” because you’ll already have a child by then.

So if your breastfeeding you’ll need to pump, and even if you’re not the emotional attachment to your baby is so strong you’ll miss them too much to properly enjoy yourself.

MrsBunnyEars · 11/02/2023 19:26

No way on earth would I have done it. It would be awful for you and baby to be apart if they’re breastfed, and even if not that bond was so so strong for me I wouldn’t have felt at all comfortable doing it.

Fundays12 · 11/02/2023 19:28

I wouldn’t leave my baby for 2 nights at that age but I have never left my kids for 2 nights and the oldest is 11. I miss them and we enjoy our time with them but some people are ok with leaving them. I think it might be harder to leave a baby that age than you can imagine though

FarmersWife2019 · 11/02/2023 19:29

I’m a first time mum (DS is now one) and I left him for one night at 4mo to go to a hen party. It was about a 1 hour car journey away. He was FF and DH was more than capable of taking care of him. Before I found out I was pregnant I accepted the long weekend part of the hen which was an hours flight from where I lived. Once I had given birth I backed out of that part as I didn’t want to be away for that many days and that far away. Nothing to do with DH or DS.
It’s a very individual and personal decision. It sounds like you are very close to home if you are needed.

ClaudeMyWinkleman · 11/02/2023 19:32

Isthisexpected · 11/02/2023 19:02

Unthinkable here to leave a three month old for overnights.

Please at least try and think of your baby before yourself.

lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/

Oh please 🙄

doadeer · 11/02/2023 19:34

I wouldn't want to do this at all. But I also don't really like multi day hen parties, I'd much prefer just one afternoon or evening personally but I get that people like weekends. It would be too soon for me to leave my baby and expressing is a pain.

bakewellbride · 11/02/2023 19:34

I personally could never do this. I first left my eldest when he was over 1 year old and that was only for a few hours.

alanabennett · 11/02/2023 19:37

MelaniesFlowers · 11/02/2023 19:22

YABU and unrealistic.

The boat has already sailed on “the proper hen experience” because you’ll already have a child by then.

So if your breastfeeding you’ll need to pump, and even if you’re not the emotional attachment to your baby is so strong you’ll miss them too much to properly enjoy yourself.

I agree. Why not have the hen before baby is born. And let's face it, as you're expecting/will have a small baby, your hen night is hardly going to be your "last night of freedom" is it?

In those circumstances I actually wouldn't bother. A lovely meal out with good friends a couple of weeks before the wedding would be my choice (not that you asked 😄)

bakewellbride · 11/02/2023 19:38

"Just don’t want to miss out on a proper hen experience! "

Nowhere in this paragraph is anything about how the baby might be feeling. It just seems to be about 'the experience' but once you're a mum the baby does come first. He or she will be confused by such a long absence at such a young age but then each to their own.

Hydie · 11/02/2023 19:39

Mumsnet don't like hen parties so everyone will make you feel bad for going. You do you, your DH should be capable of looking after the baby for 2 nights while you enjoy yourself.

Borracha · 11/02/2023 19:41

I left my EBF baby for 5 nights when he was around 4 months as I had a work trip overseas (mat leave is 12 weeks in my country)

But doing it for work is quite different to doing it for fun. If you’re stopping to pump every few hours and glued to your phone checking for update, you will be miserable. Don’t do it to yourself!

aonbharr · 11/02/2023 19:41

You'll have to wait and see, it is entirely doable, but you may not want to. I wouldn't book anything yet.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 11/02/2023 19:44

I think it’s really personal and you won’t know until after you’ve had baby. The distance makes it better too because you’ll be able to pop back if you need to. But honestly, you probably won’t enjoy it in the same way, you’ll be tired and emotionally attached and overwhelmed with this new amazing life and you’ll probably not want to be away from them. Could you do it as a day thing and then go home to your partner and baby? I think that would be more realistic.

Clouds3898 · 11/02/2023 19:47

I'll be the alternative voice here. I've left both of mine at young ages to go away overnight. Their dad is an equal parent so was perfectly capable of looking after them. However they were both bottle fed so that made it much easier.
To echo a previous poster I am from Europe originally and I think it's just culturally different

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