Leaving 3 month baby for Hen do

[Layray]

First time mum-to-be here and starting to plan my hen do. Getting married at Christmas so thinking October time for hen do. Baby will be about 3 months old by then and I don’t know if it is unreasonable to think I could leave my baby with partner for 2 nights?

Sisters are planning hen and they’re keen for a Friday/sat night hen in a lodge. We live about 5 minutes away from the lodge.

Has anyone else had their hen do with a new baby. What did you do? Would one night be better? Just don’t want to miss out on a proper hen experience!

So AIBU to leave baby for 2 nights for my hen do?

Exactly! It’s not just capability but inclination.

I think it’s OK for a father to look after this baby 🤔. I don’t think that’s controversial? I mean, the baby knows him, and gets looked after by him a lot over weekends you’d hope? Perhaps grandparents also? There might be 4 of them potentially that the baby might know from overnight babysitting 🤔🤔🤔🤔 and then maybe involved aunts and uncles and or close friends 🤔🤔🤔🤔. I appreciate not everyone has a strong extended family to help them raise kids, but it’s by far the best way, and it does mean you can leave them, even at 3 months, with confidence.

If you're not getting married until Christmas then have a hen weekend in December? I don't understand why you'd have it a few mths before the wedding.

That said, I left my PFB son at 5mths to go to Spain for 4 days with friends to celebrate my 40th. I mix fed, and continued to do so after the trip with no problems. DS was fine, he has 2 parents and was with one of them.
I was sad leaving him but honestly was fine once I was there, we relaxed round the pool, chatted, read books, ate lovely food, drank sangria and just relaxed. I had dreadful PND and it did me so much good.

I think they certainly can look after their own children perfectly well. This is a tiny baby though. It's a bit different. Ever heard of the 4th trimester?

Child bearing is inherently sexist. Men can't be pregnant or breastfeed. There are differences between men and women.

Look how many men leave their children and never see them again, or rarely. Women hardly ever do that. It's evolutionary biology. Men are not needed to raise children in the same way women are. It's different for birds b
and that's why 90% of birds are monogamous. I was just reading about it in the new scientist.

I couldn't agree more.

I believe it takes a village to raise a child. Of course, not everyone has a village but if I do, I'm going to use that village. It's beneficial for everyone.

My husband is also perfectly capable of parenting his baby alone and enjoys time alone with our baby.

You cannot know now. Tbh when the baby is 3mo you're unlikely to be getting much sleep so big nights out won't be appealing at all. If you're planning to BF you definitely can't be away that long. Why do you need to have a hen do which is two nights away anyway? Why not do a nice afternoon thing? I bet most of your friends would prefer that to the expense and inconvenience of two nights away. I don't do overnight hen dos any more for that reason.

@SnackSizeRaisin

Funnily enough I am clearly a mother so yeah am aware of what it's like to have children.

But I think your talking shit, just because some men are useless doesn't mean the rest of them cannot be a 50% parent. My husband is, it's great actually.

And all this some men bugger off blah blah blah. Some women have post partum psychosis and kill their children does that mean all new mums shouldn't be left with their kids?

It winds me up that people want to take early parenthood away from a dad. My husband would not have accepted not having a large part in his kids lives and I would never have wanted to take that from him either.

I find it weird people are belittling a woman for wanting to go away? Is this not 2023

Who said it doesn’t matter who looks after the baby?

You do know that a dad is also a parent, right?

Honestly these threads are just full of spiteful, jealous weirdos who would rather make other women feel like shit than face the fact that they aren’t enjoying themselves outside of being a mum

Is it biology or is it societal influence? Fathers are told from the start that they aren't as important as mothers, fathers often go back to work after 2 weeks because parental leave for fathers is incredibly short and mothers who do abandon their children? They are judged far more harshly than men.

Of course society and sexism influences it.

So? The effect is the same - away from a baby?

But your sneery tone about ‘going out on the lash’ says it all

If it’s only 5 minutes away you could perhaps go to the cottage for the dinner, then home, then back there for brunch the next day?

With my first I would have been too exhausted to want to socialise much longer anyway.

i’m a fairly enthusiastic party girl and no way cool do have done a 2 night heavy drinking hen weekend at 3 months post partum. You’d be better off postponing until after your wedding

@SnackSizeRaisin

there is nothing wrong with going on the lash!

you should give it a go sometime 😉

I think you have no idea how you will feel at 3 months. I didn't wouldn't-, couldn't leave mine for more than a few hours until they were about 1. Dd was mixed fed and took a bottle like a dream so as others said it's not all about the feeding. BTW 3 month olds are highly portable why not take her to Spain ?

Sorry have no idea where Spain came from I see it is close to home. Personally I think you will miss her too much. Many men would also miss their 3 month old too much to leave them overnight.

Where does OP mention going out on the lash? Serious question… all she has mentioned is a proper hen experience. That could mean anything from a stripper to a spa.

Because in MNLand all hen do’s begin and end in drunken vomiting hospitalising debauchery and the ONLY acceptable hen do is a crochet class followed by afternoon yea, all to be done and dusted by 2pm and no one can be told because a hen do in itself is so common

Nothing wrong with going out on the lash or a spa. All that matters is that OP and her partner are on the same page and agree.

😂 so relieved I did a bit of debauchery and afternoon tea.

Even when there’s a totally capable other parent/ caregiver available, and you’re a feminist, and you’re bottle or mix feeding or able to pump, and you were completely convinced that your weren’t going to be one of those mums - it’s incredibly normal/ common to not want to leave your young baby for any length of time.

Im sure the father would be perfectly capable.
It may well be that OP feels totally comfortable to go ahead when the time comes, in which case more power to her.

But these threads always follow a pattern of - lots of women saying they’d have found it difficult to do and warning the OP just to be prepared that they may not want to do it when the time comes - one or two extreme/ judgey posters will say it’s cruel or unnatural or whatever - then the judgement almost swings the other way and lots of posts about ‘not being able to understand’ why anyone would find it hard, implications that you don’t trust the other parent/ picked a useless one, and probably sooner or later scorn being poured on ‘mummy martyrs’.

It’s fine, and very normal, to want time away and great if you feel you’re able to enjoy it when the time comes.

It’s also fine, and very normal, to not want to be away from your newborn for any length of time and to not be up for nights away even when other people think you should be ready.

In the OP’s position I’d be wanting to wait and see how I felt nearer the time. I’d probably book it a little closer to the actual wedding date, not let anyone pay to cover my costs as I know sometimes happens, and as it’s only 5 minutes away you could maybe book but with the proviso that you may stay there at night, or you may head home and hopefully everyone will understand either way.

Also - don’t get too bogged down in ideas about what your ‘proper hen’, wedding, honeymoon etc should be like - it’s going to be different with a baby, but equally wonderful. I was pregnant for mine - shit timing in some respects as I was feeling knackered and sick, trying to keep it a secret from so many people and incredibly anxious because we’d had some scares along the way. It maybe wasn’t what I’d pictured in some respects, but that’s what we signed up for knowing we were going to continue ttc in the run up to the wedding. Even though it changed quite a few aspects, it also made it extra special as I’m sure having your little one there will for you OP.

I did it at 3 months, expressed enough milk to leave with his dad and had a great time. Pumped and dumped white I was away. It was a girlie caravan weekend, so beaches, camp fires, wine etc. Not crazy clubbing.

There's no way I could have done that my first. With my second I thought I'd go out to to a party half an hour way for a few hours at 12 weeks and when it came down it just couldn't imagine doing it.

Not judging anyone who can but I personally wouldn't be paying for/ planning baby free events until you after they've arrived, or just assume that they'll need to be with you and then change the plans again if you're happy to leave them.

I was still feeding every 90 mins at that point, sometimes more frequently. Both of mine demand fed, couldn't leave them until I weaned about 16 months

I would wait and see how you feel, I had been open minded before having DC about going out plans but when it came down to it I just had a really strong visceral feeling that I didn't want to leave my baby. So I followed my instinct.

To some PPs asking how can you not want to go out, I don't know, it's just a feeling, maybe it would have happened to me anyway as I got older but it's like the attraction for going out wore off, the hangovers if drinking became ridiculous and it coincided with becoming a mum.
My lovely mum offered to have DC overnight and I said no because I just didn't want to. She has offered for all the grandchildren and some of my siblings have taken her up on it from maybe 5 months. DH did have a few nights away before I did. When I had my first work trip abroad my mum came with me to look after DC (and get a bit of sunshine!).

I don't like women dragging other women down, some would rather have a night out, some don't want to be apart from their babies. Some men don't want to be apart either.
To a PP who mentioned post partum psychosis it's much rarer (thankfully) than men abandoning children, but maternal mental health is so important and women feel judged whatever they do (some probably would label me as boring for not leaving DC or judge others for letting their hair down). It would be good if people could just accept different perspectives with interest, not judgement.
Sorry I've waffled on!