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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare excluded my child

274 replies

BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 15:58

My child aged 7 sneaked a mobile phone in to school and from there into childcare. Of course I accept she was naughty and shouldn't have done it.
the childcare facility has now excluded my child - as she took a photo of another child - whist under there care.
They have said she had created a safeguarding issue.
She was caught by the staff and asked not to play on the phone, but they did not confiscate it. They handed it back to her. Older children have phones so this confused her. The phone has no sim and access to internet - it's used to play games.
AIBU to expect them to take responsibility for allowing a child to play with a phone? And then to exclude her with no prior warning?

OP posts:
BigMandysBookClub · 11/02/2023 16:46

I think they should have at least given you a warning first. If there isn't more to it then it is harsh, especially since you presumably are reliant on the childcare and the child could just need explaining why you should do that. A seven year old might not be aware of the reasons. What does their policy say? Was the child aware prior to the photo being taken why she shouldnt take any pictures?

Lots of people jumping on this harshly without knowing much about what has happened and just wanting to beat parents dow,n when their own kids probably got in all sorts of trouble too 30 years ago. 😜

If it is a childminder as mentioned upthread, then I would try to find something else. They like easy kids, understandably as it is a hard job. My ND son who was difficult to manage never got on with childminders, and it felt like they were always building a case to get rid of him for when they got another enquiry for the same hours. They weren't skilled enough to deal with him on their own. The ones I used with my first son were great though, but he was a quiet, easy child.

TheShellBeach · 11/02/2023 16:46

It sounds a bit over the top but possibly the OP isn't telling the full story?

kirinm · 11/02/2023 16:47

Sounds like a very odd reason to exclude a 7 year old from after school club! It seems unnecessarily harsh and I'd be pissed off about it.

Her having a phone is YOUR responsibility though so probably best to avoid trying to blame them.

Testina · 11/02/2023 16:48

What’s your basis for knowing what really happened @memememe ?

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/02/2023 16:48

Exclusion seems rather extreme.

Has there been previous trouble? If first offence it's OTT.

toomuchlaundry · 11/02/2023 16:48

Is this permanently excluded?

kirinm · 11/02/2023 16:48

memememe · 11/02/2023 16:37

Sorry posted too soon, don't think the op is telling the full story here, from what I've heard, the child was temporarily excluded while the safeguarding investigation was going on, the photo was then requested to be deleted in which the op refused (and consequently a bit of conflict happened) which is why the child was then permanently excluded from the setting.

Care to comment op?

How on earth do you know that? Refusing to delete it seems really odd and sounds like the 7 year old is being excluded due to the mother's conduct.

kirinm · 11/02/2023 16:50

Ivebeentofairyhousebutiveneverbeentomeath · 11/02/2023 16:41

I work in an educational setting and a child taking a photo or videoing other children or staff is actually quite a serious safeguarding issue. A 7 year old does not need to bring a phone to school or childcare. You need to make sure she doesn't do it again.

At our school Christmas okay we were allowed to take pictures. Just not share them. And that was all parents from reception and years 1.

cornishcrusader · 11/02/2023 16:50

I have been a foster carer for many years. I have cared caring for children for whom the risk of abduction is high. I have lived in fear of them being photographed and your child's action could have caused major safeguarding issues. None of us know the dangers your child's action could have caused another family, so would agree the action of the childcare provider was justified.

memememe · 11/02/2023 16:52

I expect this thread will be deleted soon. I don't know either party in this situation but I have heard the story from the other side from the childcare provider asking for advice on how to deal with the situation.

Obviously I don't know who is telling the truth...

Choconut · 11/02/2023 16:54

Also your child could have taken pictures of another child in the toilets, major safe guarding issue I'd have thought.

2bazookas · 11/02/2023 16:55

AIBU to expect them to take responsibility for allowing a child to play with a phone? And then to exclude her with no prior warning?

They didn't allow her to play with it.

You haven't mentioned what kind of photo she took of the other child, but as they've cited "safeguarding" no prizes for guessing. For all they know, an adult might have given DC the phone and encouraged her to take pictures of other children. No way is the childcare going to take a second chance on that.

FYI, its quite common practice for criminals to use a small child to commit an act the adult would get arrested and charged for. They know a child can't be held responsible in law so if the kid gets spotted the parents just deny all knowledge and responsibility.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/02/2023 16:57

AIBU to expect them to take responsibility for allowing a child to play with a phone?

Yes.

YOU need to take responsibility for your daughter breaking the rules. She 7; why does she even have a mobile phone!? Let alone 'sneaking' it into school to take secret photos? (Your words.)

This is your parenting job. Not the teachers.

Mythicalcreatures · 11/02/2023 16:59

My ds cm excluded 2 children in the time my ds attended. They were both badly behaved children who I was glad were asked to leave. I feel its highly unlikely your child is an angel usually. The childcare provider can get rid of annoying children or parents if they wish

cutegorilla · 11/02/2023 16:59

If this happened as described in the OP then excluding the child seems disproportionate. I would expect consequences but not exclusion. I would expect the photo to be deleted and the phone confiscated until the session ended, then handed to the parent with an explanation. There is no way this is the only time a child has brought in an item they shouldn't have! Children do these things all the time. If the issue were more the photo than having the phone I would expect that to be thoroughly explained to the child (and parent). A 7-year-old cannot reasonably be expected to understand why taking a photo is a safeguarding issue. That can be explained in an age-appropriate manner so they understand why they are in trouble for doing it.

If the added details given by someone else are correct then it makes more sense, the issue is actually the mother (refusing to delete the picture) and not the child. Or, this could have been a final straw situation with lots of previous incidents.

Vallmo47 · 11/02/2023 17:01

There must be more to it than this…
Surely a child who isn’t aware they’re not allowed to take photos of others who gets found out is immediately asked to delete the photo. Surely a conversation is then had about not being allowed to bring the phone full stop and the parents not only respect this decision but punish the child at home for sneaking it in against their wishes.

YABU either way Op I’m afraid.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 11/02/2023 17:01

How old are the older children? I can understand why your DD could think that allowing older children to use a phone when she isn't allowed would be unfair which is why she sneaked her phone in. Has she complained about the other children using their phones to you before?
Given the details in the OP excluding her seems extreme though with the other account of what may have happened that is more understandable.

OneEnchantedEvening · 11/02/2023 17:01

It's really neither here nor there about the phone.

She did something she knew was not allowed-you describe her as having "sneaked" the phone in, suggesting she knew she was disobeying you, the school and childcare.

So, forget the phone-concentrate on the fact that your child knowingly disobeyed a rule-giving it some thought before hand-and ask yourself what are you going to do to ensure that she no longer decides that she can ignore you and the school and do what she pleases.

Stop passing the buck. You have a disobedient "sneaky" child. Your problem-deal with it.

Suedomin · 11/02/2023 17:02

the fact that the photo was taken in secret, surreptitiously.

OP didn't say the photo was taken secretly. The child may have been quite happy for the photo to be taken.
I'm not saying she shouldn't have been told to put the phone away or that she should have been taken photos but I don't think this is as serious as people are making out. Assuming this was just an innocent photo and the children were playing. OP said the phone has no SIM so it's not as if the photo has been shared online

CrescentMoons · 11/02/2023 17:02

AnotherAppleThief · 11/02/2023 16:02

Seems like the child needs to learn some boundaries and hear the word 'no' once in a while.

This, being told no and told to put the phone away and then she took a photo - take some responsibility. Both you and your child need to stop blaming others for your actions

Viviennemary · 11/02/2023 17:04

Your child was naughty. She has now been excluded. Wheter she will be taken back is up to them.

Justmeandthedog1 · 11/02/2023 17:06

Your child is 7.
I doubt she’s read the childcare’s policies.
My dc growing up before mobiles — having your photo taken was on holiday or at a wedding.
My dgc will photograph anything , themselves, snails, slugs, their feet, their friends. They don’t do anything with the photos. Point and click is just what you do these days.
The childcare staff should have removed the phone, explained why it’s not allowed and asked you to delete the photo when you collected her.
Way over the top. Threatening behaviour, assault = exclusion.

plumduck · 11/02/2023 17:06

memememe · 11/02/2023 16:52

I expect this thread will be deleted soon. I don't know either party in this situation but I have heard the story from the other side from the childcare provider asking for advice on how to deal with the situation.

Obviously I don't know who is telling the truth...

Oh my! Poor child care provider

SophieJo · 11/02/2023 17:08

Safeguarding issue and you are being vvvu.

GlassBunion · 11/02/2023 17:08

I'm just stunned by the fact that a 7yr old has a mobile phone .