Page 12 | Boyfriend cancelled night away because he feels sick..aibu?

songasongasing · 2023-02-11T11:47:02+00:00

I booked a nice hotel a couple of hours away from home for tonight and paid for train fares as a little valentines treat. Altogether cost around £250 It's been booked for a month. Anyway it gets to today and he says "babe I feel so sick I can't go away -my back is aching and I've got a blocked nose" Okay So I say can we not just go -even if we just go to hotel and enjoy the room. He refused So that money is Wasted Also I booked a bottomless brunch and the no show fee is £20 Anyway trains gone now so we have missed it I'm in living room and he's watching tv in bed Aibu to be annoyed ?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/02/2023 18:24

@Johnisafckface why do you think I need to calm down? 🙄

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 20:43

Applesandcarrots · 11/02/2023 13:51

Nothing what you described is care and consideration. Pure martyrism.

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Not getting letting people who you care about down when you have a minor sniffle is absolutely being considerate. Is it a good thing that so many women have this ingrained in them and don't want to upset anyone, sometimes at their own expense? No, but the fact remains that this roles reversed stuff is largely just a strawman argument.

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 20:48

Castergirl · 11/02/2023 14:43

This.
All these saying "I'd love to go on my own" - the OP has said multiple times that she doesn't want to do this. Shock horror - everyone is different.

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Shock horror, everyone is different but the comment you quoted calls people with a different opinion to them 'fucking mental'. Pot kettle black much?

CelestiaNoctis · 11/02/2023 20:50

For that amount of money I would've either rearranged it with the hotel and brunch place, I'm sure they'd be accommodating with illness. Or I'd take my daughter with me (she's 7 and would love it lol).

whumpthereitis · 11/02/2023 21:54

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 20:43

Not getting letting people who you care about down when you have a minor sniffle is absolutely being considerate. Is it a good thing that so many women have this ingrained in them and don't want to upset anyone, sometimes at their own expense? No, but the fact remains that this roles reversed stuff is largely just a strawman argument.

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Caring about someone doesn’t mean being willing to make yourself feel shitter than you already do for a ‘romantic’ weekend away that’s going to be anything but. I wouldn’t enjoy it, and I doubt they’d enjoy it either. It’s hardly life or death, anyway. Put myself out for a loved one’s life, limb, or eyesight? Sure. A weekend away? No, I wouldn’t be martyring myself.

it’s not caring or considerate to expect someone that feels ill to go on a weekend away that’s probably going to make them feel even worse than they already do. Not to mention that if you did you’d likely end up feeling shit too, not merely because you haven’t enjoyed it because your company is miserable, but because you’ve caught their virus.

FreeWee · 11/02/2023 21:57

The impression your messages give me is that he's just not that into you or not into the planned trip. He would rather stay at home playing FIFA than going away for the weekend.

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 21:57

whumpthereitis · 11/02/2023 21:54

Caring about someone doesn’t mean being willing to make yourself feel shitter than you already do for a ‘romantic’ weekend away that’s going to be anything but. I wouldn’t enjoy it, and I doubt they’d enjoy it either. It’s hardly life or death, anyway. Put myself out for a loved one’s life, limb, or eyesight? Sure. A weekend away? No, I wouldn’t be martyring myself.

it’s not caring or considerate to expect someone that feels ill to go on a weekend away that’s probably going to make them feel even worse than they already do. Not to mention that if you did you’d likely end up feeling shit too, not merely because you haven’t enjoyed it because your company is miserable, but because you’ve caught their virus.

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Not at all my point. I wasn't saying you should do these things as a woman, I was saying lots of women are conditioned to doing so and that the argument that MN would be outraged if it was the other way around wasn't really that relevant.

whumpthereitis · 11/02/2023 22:05

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 21:57

Not at all my point. I wasn't saying you should do these things as a woman, I was saying lots of women are conditioned to doing so and that the argument that MN would be outraged if it was the other way around wasn't really that relevant.

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But then treating the situations as if they’re not analogous entrenches said conditioning, and undermines any attempts to move away from said attitudes. Women put themselves out as they’re expected to, men don’t and as a result women complain about it? Great.

Personally I don’t think propping up conditioning that says people should act according to sex is particularly helpful tbh. The fact that women are conditioned to martyr themselves in the name of ‘being considerate’ is shit tbh, and I don’t think encouraging men to do the same is the way forward. Not one that I’d get behind, anyway.

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 22:51

whumpthereitis · 11/02/2023 22:05

But then treating the situations as if they’re not analogous entrenches said conditioning, and undermines any attempts to move away from said attitudes. Women put themselves out as they’re expected to, men don’t and as a result women complain about it? Great.

Personally I don’t think propping up conditioning that says people should act according to sex is particularly helpful tbh. The fact that women are conditioned to martyr themselves in the name of ‘being considerate’ is shit tbh, and I don’t think encouraging men to do the same is the way forward. Not one that I’d get behind, anyway.

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When have I encouraged men to martyr themselves as women often do? When did I say anything about what anyone should or shouldn't do? I commented on what women often do and that the reverse situation was less likely to occur so wasn't the 'ta-da' moment that some of those baying for blood thought it was. Didn't say it wasn't shit and didn't say anything about OP's boyfriend other than I could understand why she felt annoyed. Feel free to keep shouting into the wind though. 🙄

Frazzledmummy123 · 11/02/2023 22:59

It's difficult to say really, as nobody knows how bad he is feeling. If he genuinely is feeling very rough then he was right not to go (although I completely understand how disappointing this is for you). If he is only feeling a little off then that is pretty bad and you have a right to be angry.

In your recent update you said he is always ill with something? In future I'd maybe stick to only booking things where you can be refunded up until the last minute. My dh regularly gets ill with non stop colds, tummy bugs, etc, and I never feel comfortable booking things with him unless can cancel late as there is every chance I might need to rearrange or cancel.

Mariposista · 11/02/2023 23:33

I'd have been absolutely furious. Unless he was puking his guts up, covered in blood or unconscious, he should have manned up. Selfish dick.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2023 00:20

Mariposista · 11/02/2023 23:33

I'd have been absolutely furious. Unless he was puking his guts up, covered in blood or unconscious, he should have manned up. Selfish dick.

There's no way if op was ill and had a bad back anyone would expect her as a woman to get on and off trains to travel to a hotel when she's then too ill to do much but sit around and watch TV. They'd say he's a selfish dick who's just after sex.

It isn't different just because he has a penis.

OP should have just gone, she doesn't need a hand hold.

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 01:39

Mariposista · 11/02/2023 23:33

I'd have been absolutely furious. Unless he was puking his guts up, covered in blood or unconscious, he should have manned up. Selfish dick.

Agreed.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 12/02/2023 01:48

This is why men have such poor mental health. They're always expected to 'man up', whether they're physically or mentally suffering.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/02/2023 02:18

Mariposista · 11/02/2023 23:33

I'd have been absolutely furious. Unless he was puking his guts up, covered in blood or unconscious, he should have manned up. Selfish dick.

If he has a communicable disease it would be pretty damn self to go out on a jolly, infecting all & sundry who cross his path.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/02/2023 03:48

I'd have gone on my own! Why waste it if you won't get your money back.

HitTheBars · 12/02/2023 04:05

Toddlerteaplease · 12/02/2023 03:48

I'd have gone on my own! Why waste it if you won't get your money back.

She clearly said she didn’t want to go by herself, not everyone would.

gumball37 · 12/02/2023 06:05

Too late now but I'd have gone alone or with friend instead. No way I'd waste the money.

NumberTheory · 12/02/2023 07:51

I don’t think he’s unreasonable for having a different level of sickness from you where he’s prepared to just pop a few ibuprofen and get on with life. But I wouldn’t want to be in a partnership with someone with such a low threshold and you aren’t being unreasonable if you don’t want to be either.

NumberTheory · 12/02/2023 07:56

PeanutButterSmoothie · 12/02/2023 01:48

This is why men have such poor mental health. They're always expected to 'man up', whether they're physically or mentally suffering.

Indulging a desire not to do anything whenever there is a minor obstacle is bad for your mental health, not good for it. There can certainly be issues with cultural pressures on men not to talk about problems but that’s not what this is.

Dragonsandcats · 12/02/2023 08:00

I don’t think he could be bothered, felt a bit off and it all seemed too much effort. Bet he wouldn’t have made the same decision if he had paid for it. I’m sorry, I’d be disappointed too.

Applesandcarrots · 12/02/2023 08:03

I can see why so many people on here are songle or in unhappy relationships.🙄

Coming onto day 3 of "but you look ok! Can't be that bad" though now a have a hefty caugh to prove my illness, I thought about this and I would absolutely break up with partner if they were forcing me somewhere when sick or were sulking.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/02/2023 08:14

Mariposista · 11/02/2023 23:33

I'd have been absolutely furious. Unless he was puking his guts up, covered in blood or unconscious, he should have manned up. Selfish dick.

What a ridiculous comment.

Most people don't want to be farting about on trains and attending bottomless brunches when they're under the weather - they want their bed and home comforts.

And for the people mentioning it - going to work when you feel a bit crap is hardly comparable to going for a weekend away 🤷🏻‍♀️

Greenfairydust · 12/02/2023 08:21

''@MrsRickAstley · Yesterday 11:53
Will he reimburse you ?''

What a bizarre notion...there is no reason why he should reimburse anything.

Someone can't help being sick.

If you want to do something/buy something for someone out of love, you don't expect them to pay you back if life gets in the way and plans have to suddenly change. It was your choice to organise this. He does not owe you anything.

You should simply have gone by yourself or try to get a friend/family member to come with you.

Or it could be that your relationship is having some issues and he is making clear by not going that he doesn't really see it as serious anymore, if he ever did. Hard to say without more context.

Applesandcarrots · 12/02/2023 08:24

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 20:43

Not getting letting people who you care about down when you have a minor sniffle is absolutely being considerate. Is it a good thing that so many women have this ingrained in them and don't want to upset anyone, sometimes at their own expense? No, but the fact remains that this roles reversed stuff is largely just a strawman argument.

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Going out while sick just to people please is not caring. Firstly, you spread it, secondly, you should care about your own body at that point and don't be a martyr to its detriment.

Again, everyone keeps saying it's minor sniffle but some people look like it's just minor sniffle but fuck me, inside we are dying.
Cold and flu and similar affect your heart, liver and lots of other important things.
People really just need to learn to sit the for day or two.

Maybe people should stop and think why UK has one of the biggest COPD mortality rates. COPD diagnoses are growing and also i believe second or third country in europe with number of COPD patients. Then i remember that you send young children into school with antibiotics and similar and this thread makes sense actually...

He can be a twat, but he isn't a twat for not going away when sick