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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend cancelled night away because he feels sick..aibu?

310 replies

songasongasing · 11/02/2023 11:47

I booked a nice hotel a couple of hours away from home for tonight and paid for train fares as a little valentines treat.
Altogether cost around £250
It's been booked for a month.
Anyway it gets to today and he says "babe I feel so sick I can't go away -my back is aching and I've got a blocked nose"
Okay
So I say can we not just go -even if we just go to hotel and enjoy the room.
He refused
So that money is Wasted
Also I booked a bottomless brunch and the no show fee is £20

Anyway trains gone now so we have missed it
I'm in living room and he's watching tv in bed

Aibu to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
Testina · 11/02/2023 13:28

“It was a joint thing -we both wanted to do something for valentines and I said il treat us to this weekend and his bought tickets for the theatre for two weeks time”

Again, your OP is pointless without relevant detail. It was disingenuous to let people run with the idea that he didn’t even off to pay for half of it… when he actually has paid for (half?) of your overall Valentine’s plans already.

I say half - £125 is high end for theatre tickets. Was he paying half overall? If not, why not?

And why are you ignoring people asking whether he’s usually a good boyfriend?

I’m guessing, because he isn’t. And you don’t want to look like even more of a mug.

HeadNorth · 11/02/2023 13:29

He sounds a bit of a wet lettuce to me - I am sure he could manage a hotel break with a bit of a sniffle.

Sousa · 11/02/2023 13:29

The way I read it is that he is the type of guy that doesn't put much effort in things anyway. Am I wrong?

I don't believe if he was usually a dedicated and caring guy that you would be upset with him being ill and refusing to go on this occasion.

Next time go without him!😀

Hellsmovie · 11/02/2023 13:29

songasongasing · 11/02/2023 12:50

@StarsSand well then your gonna have to live in a bubble then ..as it's not practical to hibernate for a week with a cold

Lots of places have a covid policy where you can move your booking to another date. Could be worth a try

TangledWebOfDeception · 11/02/2023 13:30

It's not the FIFA thing so much (as pp said, it's not much effort and especially if your back is hurting I can see why you wouldn't want to move around too much or travel/go out). It's that OP says he's always sick/there's always something wrong, which sounds like he uses this excuse on a regular basis. Does he cancel a lot @songasongasing or not bother when it's something you want to do or you have paid for?

Hellsmovie · 11/02/2023 13:30

Hellsmovie · 11/02/2023 13:29

Lots of places have a covid policy where you can move your booking to another date. Could be worth a try

Show quote history

Obviously you may need to tell a little lie

Prinnny · 11/02/2023 13:31

If he’s ill he’s ill, if I felt like shit I would want to be at home and comfortable not doing a bottomless brunch.

However, YABU to have not gone, it’s been your decisions to waste the money and booking not his. I’d love a night away alone, nice food, long bath, lots of wine and trashy TV…heaven!

Blueink · 11/02/2023 13:31

Understand it’s frustrating but I wouldn’t want to travel, be away from home (especially for a romantic weekend) or go for bottomless brunch if unwell. Playing a game on the sofa is still resting and distracting from symptoms.

He’s possibly fighting something off and quite infectious, would also be a bit selfish to expose lots of people in hospitality unnecessarily.

If you ever decide to book something again and especially since “he’s always ill” suggest travel insurance or choose flexible booking option where you can cancel or reschedule at short notice.

Circumferences · 11/02/2023 13:34

I had a bf once who booked a fancy valentine's hotel for us! It was serving oysters etc. I came down with a horrid flu. I just said "look I've got a really horrid flu, can we just take it easy, if you're worried about catching it I'm ok to cancel". We totally went, had a lovely bath together etc, didn't leave the room, watched films, chilled out.

I'd be pissed if I were you.

OldTrot · 11/02/2023 13:34

This is clearly so much more than him being too unwell for a weekend away and some posters are being deliberately obtuse

Sounds like he has a lot of form for this and you're growing tired of him and his behaviour. What are the other issues in your relationship because there clearly are some?

I'd be considering whether this was all working for me if I were you

MaybeSmaller · 11/02/2023 13:34

YABU.

If he feels too ill to go, he's too ill to go.

It's completely unfair to be annoyed at him for it, and totally ridiculous to suggest that he should have gone anyway or that you should go without him.

Imagine the reaction if a man had left his ill girlfriend or wife at home to go on a bender by himself or with his mates on a pre-booked Valentine's break. Or insisted she went with him anyway despite being ill.

BungleandGeorge · 11/02/2023 13:35

Sitting on a busy train in a Friday evening or boozing at a ‘bottomless brunch’ sounds like the last thing you’d want to do whilst unwell. Lying in bed playing games doesn’t take up a lot of energy. Why go away if you’re going to be miserable and feel ill? You should have gone on your own. Or if he’s often unwell book refundable train and hotel.

Americano75 · 11/02/2023 13:43

Just out of interest, did he choose the show you're going to see?

rainbowstardrops · 11/02/2023 13:43

He was ok for work yesterday, he's often claiming he's ill, he's now playing on FIFA and he knows it's cost you quite a lot of money. I'd be pretty pissed off too!!!
Mind you, I'd have buggered off on my own with a lovely bottle of wine and a good book, rather than waste the money.
He doesn't sound very attractive.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/02/2023 13:44

songasongasing · 11/02/2023 13:14

Well he's now playing on fifa so I'm sure he will live.
He's always ill
There's always something wrong with him
It was a joint thing -we both wanted to do something for valentines and I said il treat us to this weekend and his bought tickets for the theatre for two weeks time

Obviously you know him better than anyone else here, but there's a big difference between sitting on the sofa playing video games and going on a weekend away (involving travel and meals out).

I have a rotten cold today but I'm well enough to sit under a blanket, mess about on MN and watch films - and I'd play xBox too if DH wasn't currently hogging it Wink

However, there's no way I'd sit on a train and go for a weekend away - I'd just feel utterly miserable.

Going to work (and getting paid) when you're unwell is also different to going out and socialising. Lots of people don't get paid for sickness and then there's absence policies to worry about on top.

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 13:44

For the people incredulous that the comments would be different if it was the other way round and think it's 'mental' that other people can have a different opinion to them 🙄...most women have it so ingrained in them not to disappoint or let others down, that most would still go even if feeling terrible and try to make the best of it to please the other person. If they really, truly couldn't go, for example if they were projectile vomiting and could leave bathroom, let alone get on a train, most women would feel extremely guilty about it, apologise profusely and plan to try to make it up to their partner later. It doesn't sound like OP's boyfriend is showing this kind of consideration or care at all. And sitting playing FIFA is not exactly going to help a bad back. I can completely understand why OP is annoyed.

Applesandcarrots · 11/02/2023 13:51

HermioneHerman · 11/02/2023 13:44

For the people incredulous that the comments would be different if it was the other way round and think it's 'mental' that other people can have a different opinion to them 🙄...most women have it so ingrained in them not to disappoint or let others down, that most would still go even if feeling terrible and try to make the best of it to please the other person. If they really, truly couldn't go, for example if they were projectile vomiting and could leave bathroom, let alone get on a train, most women would feel extremely guilty about it, apologise profusely and plan to try to make it up to their partner later. It doesn't sound like OP's boyfriend is showing this kind of consideration or care at all. And sitting playing FIFA is not exactly going to help a bad back. I can completely understand why OP is annoyed.

Nothing what you described is care and consideration. Pure martyrism.

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 11/02/2023 13:54

songasongasing · 11/02/2023 11:53

I didn't really fancy going alone and just sitting in the hotel by myself or going for bottomless brunch on a Saturday alone. Pointless

3 kids deep this will be the stuff of fantasies! I often find myself thinking about just booking a nice hotel for the night and confining myself to the room, ordering food, having a bath and watching shit TV in peace. I'd be gone in a flash!!

Seaweed42 · 11/02/2023 13:55

Did you tell him how much it cost?
Why is his back aching? You don't get that with a cold.

Is he just a bit of a manchild who likes to get mothered by you?
So he has to keep whining and being 'sick' as a way to retain your attention and sympathy?

If I was you I'd find a friend to go out with tonight or go shopping for the afternoon. Don't do anything special for dinner.
If he's 'sick' then get him a tin of tomato soup and you go off to the cinema or something.
Don't reward the being sick.

If he's always sick and playing the sympathy card you need to really watch how you respond to that.

jackstini · 11/02/2023 13:56

Can you change the dates and go another time?

Although us very annoying he is well enough to be playing fifa! I would be a bit pissed off at that

Peachy2005 · 11/02/2023 13:57

I would have invited a friend/sister or gone on my own. Sorry you missed out!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/02/2023 14:04

Why is his back aching? You don't get that with a cold.

Lots of people on this thread have said it was one of their first COVID symptoms. I often get achy with a cold and yes, that can include a sore back.

youshouldnthaveasked · 11/02/2023 14:07

Where is it? Can you sell it and get some money back?

youshouldnthaveasked · 11/02/2023 14:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/02/2023 14:04

Why is his back aching? You don't get that with a cold.

Lots of people on this thread have said it was one of their first COVID symptoms. I often get achy with a cold and yes, that can include a sore back.

I did. Back was in agony from coughing

Darkdiamond · 11/02/2023 14:16

Circumferences · 11/02/2023 13:34

I had a bf once who booked a fancy valentine's hotel for us! It was serving oysters etc. I came down with a horrid flu. I just said "look I've got a really horrid flu, can we just take it easy, if you're worried about catching it I'm ok to cancel". We totally went, had a lovely bath together etc, didn't leave the room, watched films, chilled out.

I'd be pissed if I were you.

I had a horrid flu ten years ago and couldn't walk down the stairs. I literally had to crawl down the stairs on my bottom. The spasms in my back and thighs were agony and I was hallucinating. There is absolutely no way I could have gone to a hotel to chill out. I could barely stand long enough to brush my teeth let alone check into a hotel.