To not feel generous enough to do this…

[Distractedatdawn]

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

Considering they have helped towards your mortgage and gave you all kinds over the years, I wouldn't base my decision now on one bag of food. I'd be getting them their lovely gift because if you take a step back and look at what they've given you over the years, wouldn't it be nice to give back? I'd be the bigger person here, and of course they are going to side with their son if he has given his version of the story! He's the one I'd be mentioning this to and wanting to know what he's said to them!

I give my kids and their partners the same value presents, not down to the last penny as I try to choose something appropriate and sometimes there is a difference but it is small. Budget of £100 each for my 4, their partners and 6 GC.

No idea if their partners parents do the same, haven't thought about it before.

Well they seem to know about the difficulties in the marriage thanks to DH, so no reason to suppose he hasn’t disclosed that too. OP isn’t suggesting their reaction is anything to do with the actual money or gifts, but that they’re using them as a way to show their disapproval of the OP, based on what their DS has told them. And what he has left out.

Are you a therapist or in some related field, @Distractedatdawn?

I ask because your response to everything that's happened is so reasoned and reasonable. Thoughtful.

Too reasoned and reasonable. Too thoughtful.

He shoved you. That's a marriage-ender right there, no matter how complex things are, no matter how kind he can be, no matter how deeply you understand his predicament and emotional motivations. His parents are treating you differently, which only underlines the untreated abuse that runs through all of this. You don't have to sacrifice yourself to any of it. Nor do you need to be reasonable, rational, nor understanding.

The only sane response here is to put a stop to everything and leave.

You don't have to punish yourself anymore.

The reason she’s ‘stressing’ about PIL is because DH has involved them in those marriage issues and their attitude has shifted towards her as a result. This is the point of the whole thread. Keep up !!

I don't like my partners mum much, but still get her flowers for her birthday 🎉🎂

we dont know if dh has told them the state of the marriage or the state of the finances,
perhaps he said he wasnt happy - ask him

@DotAndCarryOne2
do you think dh is wrong to tell the parents the state of the marriage, if indeed he has?

Given that the OP is the higher earner, which has allowed her to be generous (see part about thank you gift for lump sum), be the major financial contributor, and indulge/financially rescue her DH in multiple failed businesses, plus taking on the majority of home responsibilities, how do you not think she has ‘given back’ more than her fair share already ?

absolutely this!

I think the point is OP is picking up the tab for these generous gifts suggested by her DP.

PIL can obviously gift as they see fit but can appreciate it must sting a bit to effectively be given a food shop for Xmas and then be asked to fork out hundreds for their gifts.

Your problem is your DH. Either he stumps up the cash for the presents or stops suggesting ££££ presents.

What the actual fuck? The op has mostly financed them for their whole life together. She paid the mortgage while they had it! The absolute total least he could bloody well do is agree when his parents gave them some money that it went on the mortgage. It isn’t parenting or washing dishes or earning a salary or anything else that goes into a family, but it’s something. And you think maybe he should have kept that too? Genuinely?

To the PILs. Regardless of who contributes most in the marriage, that's what marriage is. If the man was earning more and not wanting to give back to the PILs in this situation he would get jumped on on MN.

I am assuming he ate some of the foodstuff in your gift, but did he share the money he was given?

If he did then give a token amount towards the weekend away ( they are his parents not yours after all) .

If he didn’t share the money then I’m afraid he is on his own. Maybe you could make up a little fancy biscuit package for them to enjoy in their room? 🙂

I don’t feel I’ve missed the point at all. The husband is useless that’s a whole separate issue to what im commenting on…

the only examples of this ‘shift’ the OP has given are:

1. they gave me a bag of food and not money like they used to

1. they gave me plain biscuits and not chocolate ones like the others

While stating clearly they are still nice to her.

Maybe if we had clearer examples of how she was being mistreated by the PIL it would be easier to have some sympathy?

Think it’s fairly clear he has, from the PIL attitude change towards the OP.
He’s been abusive physically and harsh with the children and it sounds as though the parents have had his sanitised version of events because I can’t imagine any parent condoning that kind of behaviour in their son and then blaming the other partner. So yes, I do think it was wrong of him - and the fact that he did it behind the OPs back is a pretty good indication that he does too.

I’m with @deeperthanallroses (posted around 7.53) and other sensible posters.
They payed your mortgage- you were grateful enough but they didn’t expect you to use all your spare money on them after that for gifts. You do gifts as you see possible and feelings go into these decisions the same as money. They clearly send you a message that their feelings towards you changed. They didn’t want to talk to you so used gifts as an indication. They wanted you to know that from now they didn’t want to do any efforts towards you. I would take it on board and change my attitude as well. It also might be about them expecting you to separate. The thing is that you don’t know what your partner’s told them, may be that he’s planning to divorce you.
So I wouldn’t buy them such a generous gift and I would explain him why.

I mean. Paying off the mortgage is a huge thing. And it was your husband that enabled that. Did he try to keep some of it for himself, to protect himself in case you decided to say it isn't joint money anymore? Or did he just agree it goes to the mortgage for the benefit of the marriage - because your money is joint money?

Seriously, get over yourself and stop trying to make your hurt feelings over something his parents are doing a reason for exploding the financial basis to your marriage that has benefited both of you in the past

Slightly off-topic, but you can get a Groupon type hotel overnight stay for relatively reasonable amounts.

But ultimately I'd expect DH to sort it for his parents.

😆😆😆😆used it to own a larger share of the house?

a larger share based on what? He hasn’t paid anything towards a house he already owns 50% of.

and you’re assuming the outstanding mortgage amount which the OP was paying on her own for fifteen years, is a significant amount in proportion to the value of the house.

by the time my firends mortgage was at fifteen years she'd paid it off almost. So the outstanding percentage in comparison to the value of the house was tiny.

PIL didnt ‘pay off’ the mortgage. They have given all their children a lump sum and it was given to DH who made the decision to put it towards the mortgage. If you’ve read the OPs subsequent posts it’s clear she has been the major contributor while DH has taken the financial security she provides for granted, expecting to be indulged and bailed out when he plays about and fails in business. He’s been abusive too. Perhaps he had a momentary glimpse into his selfishness and that’s why he put the money into the house. What’s happening now doesn’t feel fair because it isn’t. He’s slagged her off to his parents but she’s still expected to step up and ‘do what’s right’ !! And if PIL decide to treat the OP differently based on what their DS has told them without finding out her side of things, then it’s no longer between the OP and her husband - they have made it their business. And I’d be willing to bet that he hasn’t mentioned his physical abuse of the OP or his children because I can’t see any parent condoning that or blaming the other partner.

I think the parents are being used as scapegoats for problems with your H.
From their perspective, they have been more than generous to you throughout. Enabling you to be mortgage free is huge.
Your marriage hits problems and their son confides in them. You have no idea of the picture he has painted, but suspect its not good. So, either he has told truths about you that have made them see you in a poor light, or he has lied and exaggerated, which would be a huge issue with him.
Whichever, they are now probably rather concerned about how their son is treated and even primed for a separation. In light of that, I can see why they might not want to give more cash as gifts to a woman who clearly doesn't need the money (four times your Hs wage and mortgage free, you must be comfortable?)
They are nice to you and are providing token gifts, so I don't really see they are the villains here.
If I were you, I'd be far more focused on your H. I'd want to know what he'd been saying about you; and as its clearly an issue, how you can arrange your finances so you don't feel so resentful. His parents are not the problem.

My IL’s treat me and my older dc (not their bio grandchildren) very generously when giving us gifts.

I love them dearly and have no expectations of them, and reciprocate with thoughtful gifts within our budget.

however if they suddenly changed towards us and started giving me food they didn’t want from their pantry, giving me biscuits and their son chocolate biscuits. I’d politely refuse the gifts and stop gifting back.

it hurts to receive gifts that are clearly begrudgingly given. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel horrible.

this is so incredibly unkind. Weaponised gift giving. So people not unlike a lot on here are tripping over themselves claiming OP is grabby and of course the biological child of the family gets better gifts etc. it’s mean and nasty and calculated to hurt the recipients feelings and make them feel less and an outsider.

I 10000% do not think this no. I think they’re a family unit and they share everything. (As I would if it’s the other way round).

thats entirely my point. Everyone jumping in how shit the man is, when the OP is just being petty as fuck over what is maybe a couple of hundred quid.

There’s nothing to suggest this family unit can’t afford it regardless of anything else the man vultures are reading into.

if the OP wants to leave her bloke for being a lazy arsehole let’s have a separate thread but that’s not what this one is about.

You’ve obviously read a different thread to the rest of us !! And how huge the paying off of the mortgage is, depends on how much is left after 15 years. Because if you’d read properly you’d see that DH has taken OP for granted in expecting her to finance his failed business ventures as well as shouldering most of the financial responsibility. It may not be DHs fault that OP earns more than him, but that doesn’t entitle him to take the piss.