To not feel generous enough to do this…

[Distractedatdawn]

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

"He hasn’t paid anything towards a house he already owns 50% of."

Imagine if the man was the higher earner, and the wife had put a lump sum gift towards the mortgage, could you imagine anyone responding like this about the wife?

OP, if you feel that something has changed in your relationship with PILs, and it's been a good relationship before, why not ask them about it?

Having read your updates about shoving and 'not quite bad enough for social services' and his self indulgent lack of financial and labour contribution, I think the PILs are pretty irrelevant.

I can understand it being hurtful, but they sound like good people who have imperfect information, understandable concern for their son and are muddling through.

As you said, you have different and bigger fish to fry. To fix all the stuff he's been crap at would take a huge turnaround, including taking ownership and responsibility for the problem, and understanding he has a role in thinking about your needs and taking care of YOU in some ways, rather than being a man child, with you carrying all burdens. If he has given a distorted view of what's going on to his parents, then it shows that he really has not achieved this shift in attitude.

If he had really changed, then it would be mea culpa, acknowledging how useless he had been, and singing your praises for putting up with so much.... and if somehow his parents got the wrong end of the stick, he would be noticing that, and jumping to put it right for your sake. But instead, he's quite happy carrying on with them the way they are..... he's managing his reputation, at your cost.... that is not the action of a changed man.

I'd also be interested to know the standard of Xmas presents normally given by the PIl so that I could judge see how much of a shift this was.

but they are his parents
there are two sides to every story
he has a story of his self employment

by all means be slightly less generous in your present to them which comes out of your joint account.

Honestly, these types of thread make me sick. I’m the main earner, my wife also earns very well, we both buy what we want for ourselves, kids and both parents (with consultation on big values).

my parents have financial contributed towards our lives more - does that mean either of us punish the other or respective PIL?

I’d suggest anyone who feels the need to even ask this sort of question have much bigger fundamental relationship issue.

Thats not the legal position regarding marital home ownership though, is it? Otherwise SAHP parents who don't contribute financially to mortgage repayments would be in a poor position, wouldn't they?
Unless it's drawn up otherwise, a jointly owned marital house is presumed to be owned 50/50, with both parties having an equal share of the equity. If they have a joint mortgage then they are jointly and severally liable for the full loan. At the point when his parents gave the money to clear the loan, they could have requested that the deeds were drawn up differently so their son owned a greater percentage of the house.
Yes, I'm assuming it was a significant amount as otherwise I doubt the OP would see it as relevant.

To be honest I'd got rid off him years ago. He sounds flakey with failed business ventures and a lazy shit leaving you to do all the mental load and domestic chores.

I'm sure you've contributed a lot more towards the house over all the years than the money he has got from his parents, it was only right that he pay his fair share for once by the sounds of it.

I can understand op.
If it's been the norm for it to be a certain way and the all of a sudden DH gets money and you jointly get food in bags I'd say there is definitely a point they are trying to make.

I'd not be contributing to the trip away but it also sounds like you can't afford it as a household? Why is your husband trying to give a costly gift after you've been struggling?

If he has savings just let him pay for it himself.

I had similar happen to me ref my Dh and his mum. He’s told his mother a version of our marriage that obviously put him in a good light so by logic it put me in a bad light.

I also noticed a downgrading. There’s nothing you can do and you just have to suck it up. However obviously over time it makes you draw back as well.

We are now divorcing, so it’s one less thing I need to care about now.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

then dh can fund it

Tbh I think I'd say & do nothing.

If he mentions it be non committal & leave him to it.

The mortgage money has obviously helped Op more if she was the one paying the mortgage, but maybe the Pils don't know that.

Seems that Op is still doing most/all of the "heavy lifting".

He's shoved you in the past Op-he's not a good man, husband or father imo.

So, you have a DH who shoves you, is 'triggered' by entirely normal requests to do his fair share of housework/child rearing, is a questionable parent to the dc, has piddled about with (mostly) failed 'businesses', has had his hand out (figuratively) for money from you for most of your marriage to support him, and has also had a gift of money from those parents that he's used in lieu of his own financial contributions to your home, family and married life.

The words Spoilt Brat come to mind. And he's clearly run whinging to his parents that you're a big old meanie who tries to make him DO THINGS (like act like a decent adult). I wonder how he was brought up, to foster such an entitled attitude?

I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt by their obvious downgrading of you.

Their financial gift to their son was generous, of course. And it was entirely reasonable of him to use it in lieu of his own financial contributions to your mortgage. But it wasn't a gift to you, per se, so there's no need to feel this overwhelming gratitude that some PPs seem to think you should. Especially as you will have funded the larger part of all gifts to them up until now, I assume.

If your DH wants to give them an extraordinary gift, he can figure out a way to pay for it. You can contribute a small portion, should you wish to, but you absolutely should not do anything further to facilitate it.

And imo- you should call time on this marriage. It doesn't sound healthy at all.

But you’ve entirely missed the point of what the thread is about. The reason the family unit can afford it is because the OP does most of the contributing.
You think it’s acceptable for this man to be lazy, abusive, take the OP for granted in bailing him out so many times, go bleating to his parents about how bad his lot is - to the point that they treat her differently - and still expect her to stump up for a nice birthday present ? And no. No man vultures. Just recognising the lack of input financially and the massive piss take in expecting the OP to continually step up after he’s failed her on so many levels.

This.

I dont think the OP meant they were struggling in a financial sense - she meant their relationship.

This. Agree a budget and let him sort it out.

Another failure of understanding.

Don't take things so personally. Your parents-in-law are getting older; they will be faultering more and they have been so generous. Soon they may not be able to give gifts at all. Just go on treating them as you always have.

They would have to have been shocked and very worried with their son talking about the rough patch. The last thing they would have wanted is for you to leave the family. It possibly prompted them to support him more so that he can overcome the difficulties and be a good husband.
Only give the expensive gift if you can afford it, otherwise give a gift that you can afford. It causes stress to be broke and you don't need any more stress.

when a bloke who’s been a financial liability throughout the marriage makes any financial contribution it looks significant. Because he’s a financial liability usually.

its interesting how you’re suddenly twisting this to well a marital asset doesn’t work that way, but a gift which has been invested in the marital asset suddenly is significant and the gift giver who has no legal ownership of the marital home should be acknowledged as significant or give them their money back. It was the OP’s H who received the money and put it in the house he lives in without making either financial or personal contributions.

but op who has spent her married life carrying the dead weight of her husband should grovel and kowtow to her IL’s and H for making one financial contribution which I’m not convinced is significant in comparison to the fifteen years of money OP has spent on her family and financially bailing out her H and his repeated business failures.

and on divorce the SAHP/lesser earning spouse gets awarded assets based on need and the view of having sacrificed their earning potential to support and enable the higher earner to go out and developed their career.

OP’s H has not done this.

he’s a useless, abusive, violent waste of space who happily spends OP’s money.

Absolutely this....

I took that to mean that prior to him making the lump sum contribution, he already owned 50% of it despite not making much by way of contribution.

All of this

But that would also be true of a marriage where the man was the high earner and wife had been SAHM for years. That's marriage for you.

👏👏👏

But he’s not a stay at home parent. He’s a failed businessman who relies on the OP to finance him. That’s not the same thing. But I take your point.