To be upset about this meal?

[pinotnow]

I have quite a difficult/distant relationship with my parents for all sorts of reasons. There are some addiction issues (mainly controlled) with one parent and we don't live close by. As a result I haven't seen them for about 2 years. This is unusual for us as we would usually meet up a few times a year but I think covid has made it acceptable not to meet as much and there are some health issues on their side that may have become useful excuses not to meet.

We live 3.5 hours away by car and I am driving down next week during half-term with my two dc, who are teens. I've just come off the phone with dm who has just said that we will be ordering a fast food take-out for lunch. The dc and I will be arriving at lunch time or thereabouts and then driving back that same day.

AIBU to think this is not a substantial meal to offer someone doing a 7 hour round trip and to feel sad and tired about the whole thing? I can't imagine saying this to my dc in 15 years time? Money isn't an issue. Time/practicalities are, but still.. It's probably not all/really about the meal but...AIBU?

@Autumndays22

they can have sandwiches or some other easy option on the way home regardless.

you don’t need a big home cooked meal every single day of your life, not even teens do

What's wrong with that for lunch

Take a car picnic should be taking one anyway, whatever is served or if you are that bothered, tell them not to bother and you prepare and cook a 3 course meal and take it with you to serve to everyone when you get there.

I don't think I've ever read anything as entitled or ridiculous as this.

@Blinkingheckythump

nope

but I was a teen once. As were we all.they’re not some different species!

and I wouldn’t have dared pester and make a fuss to my mum whining that I wanted food and wanted it now much in the manner of a toddler. I would have been too embarrassed to be like and my mum just would not have tolerated it

If you don't want to go (and you don't), don't go.

Is that honestly how your teenagers behave on a long car journey???? How old are they???

Yeah this, and mine might be a pain in the arse but if they did start up surely that's why you take car snacks with you! Bag of crisps or whatever 😁

Wotsits multipack for the win 🙌🏻

Definitely, just lob one into the back and let them go at it 😁

I would say it’s a good idea as you will have time to socialise and not worry about the preparation and clearing up afterwards ? I don’t see it as a massive problem .

Parents could shove a casserole in the oven or do the prep beforehand. And surely not beyond the possibility to leave the wash up until after the OP has gone. No one is suggesting an epic feast here but is it really beyond any host to make a stew or a pot of chili con carne or some spag bol? I am fairly certain that the vast majority of people wouldn't be thrilled to be greeted by cheap takeaway after driving 3.5 hours, especially when the hosts are immediate family who they haven't seen for a long time. It is hospitality at its most basic.

What do your dcs think?
Can't you make up a picnic box for them for in the car? There's allsorts you can do. Maybe sit at a table in a service station or just in the car on the way home?
They'll be ok I'm sure.

It may have already been asked but how old are your parents?
Yes, it is nice to be catered for but now my mother is older when I drive the 2 hrs to visit her I take something for lunch for us all . If staying later make some thing beforehand like a casserole and take it with us.

She probably thinks it will be a 'treat' for your teenagers. Try to assume good intention.

I was thinking that, we don't know how old they are, or their health /capability of making a sit down meal or whatever - if the OP hasn't seen them for ages either she might not fully know.
Like my nanna, she always loved cooking, always providing then when she got less able was always so apologetic she hadn't made a big meal, we're like "don't be daft, sit down and we'll sort ourselves something!"
Could be the same here, thinking they're doing the easiest option, or that they're wanting to please teenagers they haven't seen for a while.... who knows?!
Anyway long winded way of saying why immediately jump to it's because they're being crap and don't care, there could be any number of reasons
Go spend time with them and not judge on how long they did or didn't cook a home cooked meal for you.

Yes I do this too when visiting elderly relatives or friends. It’s so much easier and takes the pressure off everyone. Plus so much more time to just be together, which is the most important thing.

A takeaway just means they will have more time to spend with you and the family, and less time cooking/cleaning.

I’m assuming that’s why they are doing it. Also, to be honest, I think most people would see it as a treat.

I understand your perspective, but I think your reading way too much into it. I dont think it’s a lack of care, they are just aware of how limited your time is, and also the fact that you might be later/earlier than expected, and need food quickly. Pack lots of snacks for the journey back I’m sure your teens will be fine, if not overjoyed.

But if they'd eaten a home cooked meal at lunchtime they'd still need an evening meal wouldn't they. If you're driving over dinner time , then you'd always need to stop.

I hear you OP. It’s upsetting that you’re putting the effort in to drive half-way across the country and they can’t turn the stove on or in some way celebrate your visit when it’s been so long (you say money isn’t an issue, so presumably they could stump to a proper meal out). You say there are health issues and in the past (?) addiction issues. It may be that one parent is knackered with dealing with the other’s issues. I know I now couldn’t expect my mum to make a meal as she has coped with my dad’s illness for years. However back when dad was well he would cook or take us out or generally treat it as a celebration when we visited as we enjoy each other’s company. Dad would be the one doing this; mum would say ‘I assume you’ll have eaten already’ and I can’t remember her ever asking a genuine question about our lives or wellbeing - she used to say I can’t wait til you’re 16 then you’re no longer my responsibility (we were good kids). Dad’s now in a care home and looking healthier than when he was living with her. Dad was a good dad, always making us feel loved; mum was a fairly crap mum, who didn’t make us feel secure. Some parents are great; some are selfish even towards their own kids. Try to compartmentalise if you can, that’s how I get through it - I expect her to be selfish, and the reason I visit her rather than NC is because in many ways her life was unfulfilled - she’s brighter than my dad but could only get so far on the career ladder as a woman (she’s in her 80s) so I do understand she was frustrated. Not a reason to take it out on us, but I see my dad had an easier time of realising his potential. Your parents may be selfish and/or knackered. It’s understandable to feel upset that they’re not making more of a welcome. I’d plan something decent for you and the kids afterwards, probably the day after. Use the money you save on a hotel to take them to a theme park, eg. You have your own family now. You can make different choices from your parents. Know that in future you’ll celebrate when your kids return. Hugs x

Your parents may think they're giving their grandchildren a treat, not granny's beef casserole. Maybe your parents don't cook extensively now and thought it would be difficult to suddenly cook for a group of people. Whatever the reason, you are the guest and cannot dictate the menu. It is easy enough for you to prepare a substantial picnic for the return journey, sandwiches, pastries, fruit, cakes, smoothies etc. You've not seen your parents for two years, you may be surprised that they are frailer than you remember.

Thanks to everyone who has understood that it isn't really about the food. I'm just quite sad about the whole situation/relationship and the proposed meal seemed to symbolise that, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I have booked a hotel for the night and accepted that I'll have to throw more money than anticipated at this to make it a nice trip for me and my dc whatever happens with dp.

I have to say, my dc are not nightmare kids who would whine all the way home and they would of course be happy with endless snacky stuff and it wouldn't hurt as a one off. It's just that I'm the one who meets 95% of their needs so I was hoping for a day when someone else had done something and I could do the thoughtless easy takeaway bit. But those aren't the circumstances of this trip so I need to accept that.

Did you express any of this to your mum?

Only because, for my teen DSC and their grandparents, a fast food takeaway is the ultimate treat.

I know there’s more to this which is why you’re upset, but this could be an attempt to be generous.

I'm glad you've decided to do that.
Is it difficult to express your feelings to your mum? I had the same problem with my late mum. She was very loving though but she would never admit to any wrongdoing.

Maybe they thought it would be something the teenagers would enjoy ? I'm assuming it's mcdonalds or something like that. If they haven't seen the teenagers in a while they might have just picked something they assume all teenagers like?

I understand. For years I have taken lunches for the whole family when I visit dm. Lovely ones with cold chickens and veggie options and salads or soup, and cakes and scones and trifles because she likes them. She never says thank you. I started when the dc became veggie, which she didn't approve of. She cooks my sisters roast dinners. She just doesn't like me or my family. I have got used to it.

Oh my god. How you went from McDonalds/other fast food to now I have to book a hotel for me and the kids and stay overnight... It is such an overeaction. Your parents are as they are, with whatever unmanaged aspects, and it is unreasonable to expect them to turn into culinary whizzes, just because you are doing a chunk of driving. You could have gone to a restaurant on the way home if a full meal meant to so much, and saved a load of money and future resentment when you blame the DP for the hotel and other associated costs.