To be upset about this meal?

[pinotnow]

I have quite a difficult/distant relationship with my parents for all sorts of reasons. There are some addiction issues (mainly controlled) with one parent and we don't live close by. As a result I haven't seen them for about 2 years. This is unusual for us as we would usually meet up a few times a year but I think covid has made it acceptable not to meet as much and there are some health issues on their side that may have become useful excuses not to meet.

We live 3.5 hours away by car and I am driving down next week during half-term with my two dc, who are teens. I've just come off the phone with dm who has just said that we will be ordering a fast food take-out for lunch. The dc and I will be arriving at lunch time or thereabouts and then driving back that same day.

AIBU to think this is not a substantial meal to offer someone doing a 7 hour round trip and to feel sad and tired about the whole thing? I can't imagine saying this to my dc in 15 years time? Money isn't an issue. Time/practicalities are, but still.. It's probably not all/really about the meal but...AIBU?

You are being unreasonable. Food is food, perhaps in the 2 years you haven't seen them their health has declined, or maybe they think your DC would prefer take out food. If you're that unhappy about it, offer to bring lunch or buy it out somewhere.

But why is lunch your main meal of the day? For most of us it’s dinner. It’s quite normal to have to feed your kids dinner. I’m not sure why you’re complaining and wanting lunch to be the main meal?

I think she meant that as she’s doing a long journey, she will most likely be on the road on the way back by dinner time. So lunch will be the ‘main’ meal in her case.

If my parents had health issues and I was visiting them, I would go out of my way to ensure they doing anything ‘extra’ to cater for us. In fact, I’d offer to pay for the takeaway. It means more time together.

We’re there to see my parents. Food is incidental.

LuckySantangelo35 Well that would be for OP to decide, since only she knows her children, their ages, their appetites and the details of what her parents are suggesting to provide.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. No, I wouldn't be pleased with that. Firstly, neither I nor my children eat fast food and there is no way I would be happy with having such a gross and unhealthy meal especially after sitting all day in the car. Second, it would feel to me as if my parent wasn't putting in effort to welcome me and my children and that would hurt. I don't invite family or friends over and then serve them fast food, it shows a lack of a care and effort. In your position I would offer to pay for takeaway from a different location or bring some food in a cool bag and have a picnic lunch.

This is the way I'd see it, no spending time preparing/cooking a meal, more time together. I agree with everyone else though the food doesn't really sound like the issue.

No it's not acceptable to drive 3.5 hours and be offered a McDonald's takeaway and then drive back. That is not a treat.

It's a slap in the face because it shows how little effort your DM is making. It's standard to cook your family something from that is fresh/ from scratch (even if it's just something simple like fajitas) or book a table somewhere nice. It's not hard.

Food is a love language.

Can you suggest you go out and split the bill? Rather than sit around eating McDonalds together, that sounds really sad

My teens would bloody love a takeaway!
Maybe your parents think it'd be the easiest thing to do and keep everyone happy, and a treat for the kids?
Bit of a jump to assume it's just because they can't be arsed which some posts presume.
Nobody knows as we're not them.
You sound like you're taking offence because of back issues, feeling like must be because they're not bothered and that if they cared they'd make you a homemade roast or something
Seems a lot of overthinking to me (which don't get me wrong I'm terrible for doing that myself!) 🙂

Food is a love language
🙄😂 Alright, Nigella 🤣

I think the important thing is to step away from the meal and do a bit of mental rumination about how you feel about the whole visit and try to reconcile it in your own mind. It’s really hard when your relationship with your parents isn’t what you want it to be and maybe you’re having to put aside a lot of stuff that happened in the past in order to make it work now. There can be a tension between how you felt as a child and understanding past behaviour though an adult’s eyes. At the same time I can see how GPswho haven’t seen teenage GC for a few years might be feeling anxious and decide that a takeaway is the way forward ( my DP treat my DC like a strange exotic species sometimes when it comes to food - I’m like “ mum, it’s fine- just give them lasagna”). It’s a long time at that age- we were trapped by closed borders during covid and DC didn’t see GP for 2 years. It’s was hard when they were reunited because the relationship hadn’t evolved- it had to do an abrupt reset.

Best advice would be don’t expect too much and pack snacks for the journey home.

Could your parents being saying takeaway as they think your teens will like it? You could say a pub lunch or order Chinese food etc. It does not have to mean McDonalds. When my DD and dgc to see me and as it takes 3 hours drive they don't come to my house that frequently. I am torn between cooking a nice roast meal which I know DD loves which means staying in for hours beforehand and dgc get bored or going for a pub lunch and then I get to take them to a farm park and see dgc enjoying themselves. I know my dd can't always afford to take them to places out very often. I'd hate to think if I suggest a pub lunch she thinks I don't care enough. You've made me think I will offer her choice next time. I enjoy treating them and seeing dgc having fun.

I do kind of see you point. That kind of fast food thing was what you were banking on having on the way home, as a light supper/ tea, having had the main meal at lunch. Now you’re having a light lunch, you need to think of something more substantial for the evening.

It did seem more unreasonable at first when it sounded like it was Indian/ Chinese etc type takeaway.

Im thinking they maybe haven’t thought this through. Can you offer to bring something?

I think that whether or not it's a nice meal is not that important. Is it more that you know if you had a normal family dynamic you would be able to say "god, my teens are at the eating out of house and home phase, can we go for pizza instead, to try and fill them up?"

Instead you have to bite your tongue to keep the peace, even though it makes your life harder.

YANBU, but I think that the simmering resentment isn't going to make the trip better for anyone and it might be worth, tactfully, suggesting a different option.

I can see where you’re coming from in terms of the inequality of effort. You’re doing a 7 hour drive and spending a fortune on petrol, but there’s no effort on the other side.

The kids will survive on fast food for a day, I wouldn’t worry.

Is there any way your parents could drive out and meet you for a pub lunch somewhere in between? Even if they only came 45 minutes in your direction it’d save you an hour and a half- plus you could order food you like.

I sympathise with you. I hadn’t seen my immediate family for over two years because of Covid (other side of the world). When we visited last year we had fish and chips, because they always have fish and chips on a Wednesday. I like fish and chips as much as anyone, but it hammered it home that we were nothing special, and therefore no special effort would be made for us.

Yup that’s rubbish but get them to order extra so the teens fill up. Take a bag of fruit and sandwiches for the journey home! Or nuts / oat bars etc they’ll soon fill up.

Not to everyone it isn’t.

My mum used to buy a loaf of bread and butter x we used to fill up on bread and butter and think we had the best time we are all a little bit spoilt now xxx

As other people have mentioned, this isn't about food at all. It's about you having parents who always make you feel unvalued. You have grown to expect them to treat you as unimportant, a low priority and this no effort, no sense of occasion meal from them has confirmed your conviction that you are not important to them.

The food here isn't the problem. There are a million ways to ensure your teenagers get enough to eat that day. You are used to catering for them and you will sort it out. It's the lack of care it confirms that is the problem. These parents are never going to be the parents you want to have.

Which begs the question - why put yourself through this? The long journey, the expense, the hassle - just to be let down again. Not to mention your children. 7 hours in the car with an upset and angry mum, a takeaway lunch in a horrible strained atmosphere. I'm sure they'd much rather stay home and watch tv.

Can’t you just say ‘oh we’ll be having service station fast food for dinner, can we have something a bit different for lunch?’

if that’s refused then honestly I wouldn’t bother going

Is it not possible that they are pissed off with you? They haven’t seen you for 2 years and you’re not even spending one night because you don’t want to spend the money. If my dad was alive I can imagine him saying ‘Jesus are they going to get out of the car or just slow down to wave on the way past and go straight home again?’

You are doing the absolute bare minimum and so are they. Perhaps they feel as justified in their resentment as you do in yours.

Or, perhaps their health has declined in the past two years and ‘a proper meal’ is beyond them. My mother used to get stressed beyond belief when we visited over what to cook. She just couldn’t cope. So when we went there (even with 2 toddlers in tow) either I would cook or we’d get takeaway. That was my way of showing love to her to reduce her anxiety and let her just enjoy time with her GC.

YABVU.

This is just petty. You were going to have to feed your kids another meal regardless so what’s the actual difference?

Bring sandwiches, crisps, whatever for the way back. I’m sure no one will starve.

it’s likely that they believe it will be a treat for their GC. Teens can be picky with food so it’s probably easier to just get takeout because everyone can get something they want.

instead of creating mountains out of molehills, why don’t you focus on making it a good day? Or if you can’t do that just don’t go.

@winningeasy

food might be a love language for you but we don't all speak the same language.

My MIL always did this, always, I hated it. Six hours on the road and my husband would have to immediately go out to the fish and chip shop while she margarined some cheap rolls :( Now I'm her age, I do find it difficult when my son comes, but I plan it properly so he has something out of the oven, even if it is only macaroni cheese and veg!