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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this meal?

241 replies

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 19:41

I have quite a difficult/distant relationship with my parents for all sorts of reasons. There are some addiction issues (mainly controlled) with one parent and we don't live close by. As a result I haven't seen them for about 2 years. This is unusual for us as we would usually meet up a few times a year but I think covid has made it acceptable not to meet as much and there are some health issues on their side that may have become useful excuses not to meet.

We live 3.5 hours away by car and I am driving down next week during half-term with my two dc, who are teens. I've just come off the phone with dm who has just said that we will be ordering a fast food take-out for lunch. The dc and I will be arriving at lunch time or thereabouts and then driving back that same day.

AIBU to think this is not a substantial meal to offer someone doing a 7 hour round trip and to feel sad and tired about the whole thing? I can't imagine saying this to my dc in 15 years time? Money isn't an issue. Time/practicalities are, but still.. It's probably not all/really about the meal but...AIBU?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 10/02/2023 20:40

Bloody hell some people do like to make everything difficult.

Dagnabit · 10/02/2023 20:40

To be honest, it seems to be less about the food offerings and more about feeling stressed about seeing your parent again - the addiction issues seem irrelevant but you mentioned them first. But getting back to the food matter - packs loads of nice snacks; your kids won’t die if they don’t get 3 square meals that day.

emmathedilemma · 10/02/2023 20:42

Perhaps they think that a fast food takeaway would be a treat for the kids, or they’re trying to play it safe by ordering something they think they’ll eat and enjoy.
you are mostly being unreasonable for driving 7 hours in one day, it’s verging on dangerous.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2023 20:42

GrumpyPanda · 10/02/2023 20:38

Never mind the teens, personally I wouldn't feel terribly good about doing 7 hours driving, as sole driver, on junk food. You'll have a cheap carb high, then crash, and that's dangerous. And I've done lots of long distance solo driving.

Any youth hostels in the vicinity to stay over, OP? I gather there's no way you could just camp out at your family's, maybe if you brought sleeping bags and yoga mats?

@GrumpyPanda

driving after eating a McDonald’s is dangerous?!

ive heard it all now!!

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2023 20:43

Maybe it's all they can cope with as you said they have their own issues so a takeaway means they know .the teens will eat it, you seem to be looking for problems.

MissTrip82 · 10/02/2023 20:43

Intransigentcat · 10/02/2023 20:33

You're travelling for all that time, they haven't seen you in literally years and they're just going to order in some crap junk food?

To be fair OP, the kids probably won't be bothered one iota but I understand why you are.

That really is a piss poor effort on their part. Hardly a meal prepared with love is it?

This is a very cold response.

i have no idea how you measure the love quotient of a meal, is it on the recipe next to the calories?

I imagine the parents are feeling very anxious about this meeting after so long. They’ve selected something many see as a treat, whether you find it ‘crap’ or not. As always, if the standard of hosting doesn’t meet the guest’s (internal, non-verbalized) standards, the guest is free to decline the invitation altogether and should certainly do so if they won’t be able to straighten their face to eat.

Pardon44 · 10/02/2023 20:43

Take a packed lunch style snack; put an ice pack in the bag and bung it it the boot. I have toddlers and never go anywhere without drinks, snacks and a sandwich.

I think the perceived lack of effort might be bothering you're than the actual food.

illiterato · 10/02/2023 20:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2023 20:42

@GrumpyPanda

driving after eating a McDonald’s is dangerous?!

ive heard it all now!!

Show quote history

Yeah they need to ban maccas and BK from motorway service stations immediately.

Butchyrestingface · 10/02/2023 20:46

This would not even ping on my radar.

However, it's as plain as day from her posts so far, that OP thinks she is not BU. Just your average AIBU OP then. Grin

MrsRickAstley · 10/02/2023 20:47

Just cancel. Sounds like a huge amount of effort / expense. Say you're ill. It's not like they'll have food in & beds made up 😂😂😂

thecatsthecats · 10/02/2023 20:47

Dagnabit · 10/02/2023 20:40

To be honest, it seems to be less about the food offerings and more about feeling stressed about seeing your parent again - the addiction issues seem irrelevant but you mentioned them first. But getting back to the food matter - packs loads of nice snacks; your kids won’t die if they don’t get 3 square meals that day.

Exactly this.

Any post that starts "I have a difficult relationship with my parents" is almost always followed by something that would be a complete non-issues in a normal family.

I think the OP is projecting how she wanted to be cared for by her parents onto their slightly-non ideal but eminently liveable catering for her own children.

Noonesperfect · 10/02/2023 20:48

Take something like a lasagne and salad or cottage pie and vegetables with you, and heat it up at your mums . Then you can just have sandwiches on the way back.

leithreas · 10/02/2023 20:49

emmathedilemma · 10/02/2023 20:42

Perhaps they think that a fast food takeaway would be a treat for the kids, or they’re trying to play it safe by ordering something they think they’ll eat and enjoy.
you are mostly being unreasonable for driving 7 hours in one day, it’s verging on dangerous.

I'd imagine this is the case. We don't get fast food a lot, I can't remember the last time we did. My teens would be delighted with it. Lots of people would think oh teens love fast food, that will be a nice treat.

And tbh in your parents position it wouldn't occur to me that you would expect lunch to fill them up for the entire day. I would just think yeah and burger and chips or whatever is loads for lunch which it normally would be.

Swiftswatch · 10/02/2023 20:49

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 20:03

Jesus - kids won't need another lunch. But they'll need a dinner/tea, whatever you call it. And not a small one as the type of food on offer is fairly calorific but not really filling in the long term. The time teens will need this later meal is when I'll be on the second leg of my 7 hour round trip. So not ideal really. But obviously I just need to suck it up.

They would need something later regardless of whether you had a McDonald’s for lunch or some homemade meal.

So what exactly is the problem then?

Chilloutt · 10/02/2023 20:49

headhigh · 10/02/2023 20:28

Honestly?

I think you need to stop triangulating your children in this and pretending this is about them.

Unless they have special needs (do they?) the way you are speaking about them is very infantilising - talk of having to "deal with that" them needing to eat "while I'm driving" is the sort of thing I'd write when my DC were 5 and 7 and I was driving them on a long trip to Devon or whatever alone.

Stop trying to make this about them because it seems clear that this is about YOU and about what you want/expect/need.

None of us know why your relationship with your parents is so distant, and I empathise with the difficulty, I really do (give I've been n/c with mine for 6 years).

But no one is going to agree with you that this is about what's for lunch.

This is about your expectations of them and what them fulfilling them would mean to you.

First rule of customer service is to ask the disappointed customer what they want. So what DID you want? Cooked lunch? Taken to a restaurant?

Stop trying to make this about teenagers as if they'll melt in the back of the car after a McDonald's lunch.

You are upset for you.

This is bang on.

I think you’re trying to be angry about the food when really it’s about the expectations of your parents clouded by past events. Although I appreciate we don’t know the back story.

Your children are also teens and fully capable of managing their hunger (if this takeaway option is so terrible and non filling!). Pack some pasta in a takeaway box, fridge at your parents house, and they can have their dinner in the car on your way back.

I suppose on the face of it, it is a little disappointing that it’s a takeaway, and you would feel a little put out at the lack of effort, BUT it’s a one off trip. I wouldn’t think too much of the apparent inconvenience this may cause…

Cheap carb high, and crash the car?! Good grief I was not expecting some of these responses I have to say!

Suzi888 · 10/02/2023 20:50

Bugger the takeaway, I’d expect a bed for the night! 7 hour round trip, how long are you with them for?! To be honest even if I had a full on roast, I’d still be hungry later/when I got home 😕

Take a packed lunch/ pasta/ sausage rolls/sandwiches so you don’t need to stop, flask of soup and bread even.

Original poster
pinotnow · 10/02/2023 20:50

illiterato · 10/02/2023 20:45

Yeah they need to ban maccas and BK from motorway service stations immediately.

Show quote history

Deliberately misunderstanding or just stupid?

OP posts:
Swiftswatch · 10/02/2023 20:52

You'll have a cheap carb high, then crash, and that's dangerous. And I've done lots of long distance solo driving

Don’t McDonald’s and drive.
Heard it all now.
Pretty sure all the service station food up and down the motorway isn’t causing accidents!

Scooby5kids · 10/02/2023 20:53

Trying to sound diplomatic here but I think you're being a tat bit mean and ungrateful. You already don't see them much, at least try to just enjoy it and not make it negative for the sake of the kids. I wouldn't have thought a take away wasn't enough personally. Just order more food!

afinishedkiss · 10/02/2023 20:54

Ohhhhh cop on and stop being so bloody silly. The takeaway will cost so much more than if they bought the food and cooked it! They are trying to do a nice thing as a treat for you and the kids. I know what my teenagers would prefer!

Original poster
pinotnow · 10/02/2023 20:54

SquirrelFan · 10/02/2023 20:28

I agree with a pp, it sounds like you were hoping for more of an effort being made for you, some evidence of caring. Maybe a picture in your head of everyone sitting around the dining table and sharing good food and conversation. Something more than a takeaway that you could get at home. After all, you're dragging the kids cross country for this.
Try to make it the nicest it can be? Even if your parents don't make the effort for you, you can try to make it a bit special for your kids - I don't know, get a nicer takeaway or as a pp suggested, find a lunch at a local pub.
Good luck, I hope it turns out more pleasant than you'd feared.

Thank you, and the few others who did, for understanding.

OP posts:
Craftybodger · 10/02/2023 20:56

Maybe it’s your parents trying to relate to their DGC? It’s not your choice of meal but now you know you can plan your journeys, stops and food choices for the day around it. Maybe it’s a poor choice on their behalf but maybe it’s also them trying to put the DGC at ease and build bridges?

diddl · 10/02/2023 20:57

Presumably Op was hoping for a bit of effort from her parents after driving for three and a half hours?

prettybluebell · 10/02/2023 20:58

Surely the most important thing is that you will see eachother and spend time together? You will get food, does it really matter who cooked it?

permanentholiday · 10/02/2023 20:59

Perhaps your parent would struggle to cater for you all. I know it's only 3 extra people but it may be something they would struggle with/find stressful. My aunt still insists on catering for family and really struggled with an extra 2 people recently. She wanted to chat and catch up (she also talks for England) and ended up burning the dinner. Perhaps a slight shift in mindset from your point of view would help you manage the visit. Am I wrong to read between the lines and ponder if the visit is the problem for you and the food issue is an outlet for you to feel peed off about going? Family relationships don't necessarily get easier with age - I do feel for you. I hope the visit goes well for you all.