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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this meal?

241 replies

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 19:41

I have quite a difficult/distant relationship with my parents for all sorts of reasons. There are some addiction issues (mainly controlled) with one parent and we don't live close by. As a result I haven't seen them for about 2 years. This is unusual for us as we would usually meet up a few times a year but I think covid has made it acceptable not to meet as much and there are some health issues on their side that may have become useful excuses not to meet.

We live 3.5 hours away by car and I am driving down next week during half-term with my two dc, who are teens. I've just come off the phone with dm who has just said that we will be ordering a fast food take-out for lunch. The dc and I will be arriving at lunch time or thereabouts and then driving back that same day.

AIBU to think this is not a substantial meal to offer someone doing a 7 hour round trip and to feel sad and tired about the whole thing? I can't imagine saying this to my dc in 15 years time? Money isn't an issue. Time/practicalities are, but still.. It's probably not all/really about the meal but...AIBU?

OP posts:
illiterato · 10/02/2023 20:59

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 20:50

Deliberately misunderstanding or just stupid?

Show quote history

Bright enough to understand how the quote system works, and also emotionally resilient enough not to be having a nervous breakdown because I might need to pull into BP to buy a sandwich. How about you?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/02/2023 20:59

I think you just don't really want to visit, which I don't blame you for btw, and you are focused on this one thing to express your misery about the future trip.

Not much you can do except not go, save a little before the trip and find a decent restaurant prior so you know how much it will be.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 10/02/2023 21:02

I get this is about the effort but I think you’re looking to be annoyed.

if we visit my parents we’re served a banquet. If we go to mil we get chip shop takeaway in. We usually pay because dh’s family have decided we’re loaded. We’re good with money but not loaded! They’re better off than us but are tight. However, they love us. Mil gets very anxious cooking for 5 of us rather than just her and fil so we make it easy after a 4 hour drive and we usually stay in a caravan park nearby.

qpmz · 10/02/2023 21:03

The 7 hour round trip seems worse than the meal in my view! Can you reconsider staying overnight in a Travelodge or Airbnb? In the evening you could cook together at your mums and have more time to relax.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 10/02/2023 21:06

I'm with you on this OP.

You're going to spend most of the day traveling and it stings that they can't even be bothered to spend a little time and effort to put a simple lunch on the table. It's also impractical as the kind of food they're choosing to order is precisely the kind of thing you might need to eat for tea on the road on the way back.

I'd never have guests for lunch and then order a particularly crappy takeaway instead of putting decent food on the table.

margueritedaisy · 10/02/2023 21:07

I would really reconsider doing 7 hours driving on your own in one day. It is going to be crap whatever you have for lunch. Is there no way they can put you up? Bring sleeping bags and pillows and put the teens on the floor. You on the sofa? It sounds like hell to me and I like driving. With the lunch thing , could you just ask for what you want?
I did that once with my MIL. We were travelling home after a holiday where we had basically lived on takeaway and we were stopping in at theirs as a halfway point. She told DH they were going to order in Chinese. I asked could we please have something home-made with vegies.
Turned up and they had a lovely roast dinner with heaps of veg ready. They just weren't sure what to cook as DH and I hadn't been together that long and they thought we would like takeaway. It may be that OP.

margueritedaisy · 10/02/2023 21:11

I do understand your upset though. When I visit my parents they always have a home-made meal ready , lovingly cooked, and they are in their 80's. ( sometimes they forget half of it and find it in the microwave after we've left but the thought is there :) )

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 10/02/2023 21:11

They may not view the takeaway the way you do @pinotnow , they may think this is a rare treat to share with their daughter and grandchildren. They may be coming from a good place with it. I'd chuck some food teens can munch on in the car, crisps, fruit, muesli bars. The other possiblity that occurred to me if they know or share your views on fast food is that they're feeling hurt you've just going for lunch, thinking they won't bother because you're not bothering. Not saying this is all on you, but they may well be hurt by your flying visit.

SaltnPeppaPig · 10/02/2023 21:12

What do you want them to feed you for lunch that will fill your teenagers up for the next 12 hours? A whole cow?

WiddlinDiddlin · 10/02/2023 21:15

What is it you DO want from them? What would be an acceptable lunch in your eyes?

Why can you not communicate that to them?

Zonder · 10/02/2023 21:16

It sounds disappointing. I reckon your teens can go 3.5 hours home after the fast food and have dinner there though, surely? Maybe take a pack of crisps each just in case.

Is there no way your parents could meet you half way next time? You could go to a restaurant.

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/02/2023 21:16

Sounds like they are just as reluctant to play happy families as you are OP.

Tigertigertigertiger · 10/02/2023 21:18

I’d view it as a treat

Original poster
pinotnow · 10/02/2023 21:18

Of course I wouldn't expect them to feed the dc for the day. It's just that, as a pp said, fast food is what we would normally eat while on the road. To have that as the main meal of the day as well as a bit shit.

But yes, it's not entirely about the food. I'm just feeling sad about the whole thing.

OP posts:
HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 10/02/2023 21:21

I agree

just bring sandwiches and crisps for in the car on the way home

relax, the kids won’t keel over from one day of missing a “decent meal”

Isahlo · 10/02/2023 21:22

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 21:18

Of course I wouldn't expect them to feed the dc for the day. It's just that, as a pp said, fast food is what we would normally eat while on the road. To have that as the main meal of the day as well as a bit shit.

But yes, it's not entirely about the food. I'm just feeling sad about the whole thing.

so basically it’s two things.
you don’t want two meals of the day to be rubbish
and you want your parents to cook for you because they care.

have you had a chat about it with them, potentially just the logistics of double McDonald’s or whatnot? Is there something else you could get? Could you swing by and collect a pizza or a rotisserie chicken or something

workiskillingme · 10/02/2023 21:23

SaltnPeppaPig · 10/02/2023 21:12

What do you want them to feed you for lunch that will fill your teenagers up for the next 12 hours? A whole cow?

😂😂

unclebuck · 10/02/2023 21:25

I wouldn't go, it's just fucking rude and mean. Go out with your kids for the day and spend the money you'd have spent on petrol.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 10/02/2023 21:25

My MIL went through a phase of doing pizza or fish and chips every time we came, it was a long drive, but I thought: fair enough, she is probably totally fed up cooking and shaving for all the men and kids

js your father still alive, and if he is (or would be) , would you expect him to cook you a decent meal?

lits of women in their 50s have a moment of awakening and realising they are fed up caring for everyone all the time and go on strike for a bit

i hope for your mum that that is her reason as well

bloody hell women have to do all the fucking catering all the time… just read any MN Christmas dinner thread

she’s allowed a break

BentleyRhythmAce · 10/02/2023 21:26

Sounds as though you have an idea of how it 'should' be, and because what's being offered (whilst perfectly pleasant and acceptable) isn't that, you're unhappy. This is more about you than anyone else. Just take it for what it is, enjoy it, and don't get too hung up on the fairytale.

CrystalCoco · 10/02/2023 21:26

It's about a perceived lack of effort, not a lack of actual food for anyone who's confused 🙄

OP, maybe think of it this way: 'food' and 'hosting' is not their 'love language' - they may well be very happy to see you all but hosting and cooking just isn't how they show it. I'd be looking to see how welcoming they are, how interested in conversing, sharing and just generally enjoying your/DC's company they are and take it from there.

Choconut · 10/02/2023 21:26

YABVU to drive a 7 hour round trip in one day for people you don't really like and don't have a very good relationship with. I'm assuming the teens aren't bothered since they've have hardly seen them for years so why do it in the first place?

I don't blame them for not wanting to cook up a big meal for five and no one could blame you for not wanting to do a 7 hour round trip for a take away with people you don't like much, even if you are related.

Just phone and facetime in the future if you must, why put yourself out like this? What's the point?

donttellmehesalive · 10/02/2023 21:28

You want to feel that they care about you, but haven't driven to see them for two years and even now are doing it in a day. Sounds a bit hypocritical to me.

They don't know your kids, not really. They don't know what they're into or what they like to eat. If they usually cook for two they may be nervous about cooking for five (my parents would be) and worried about it going wrong or dc not liking it. They might think a takeaway is a treat for them, something gc will enjoy.

And as for them needing another meal - just order enough food to fill them up and stop looking to be offended.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2023 21:28

Oh for heaven's sake; none of you are going to starve to death. Take some sandwiches with you/a flask of soup etc if you're that worried.

It's your choice to drive there and back in one day. Maybe your parents don't feel up to cooking you all a banquet, which your teenagers would probably turn their noses up at anyway.

I haven't had a takeaway since first lockdown. I'd love one. Embrace the takeaway!

Shoxfordian · 10/02/2023 21:29

Yabu to even go when you feel like this. Why are you going?