Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this meal?

241 replies

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 19:41

I have quite a difficult/distant relationship with my parents for all sorts of reasons. There are some addiction issues (mainly controlled) with one parent and we don't live close by. As a result I haven't seen them for about 2 years. This is unusual for us as we would usually meet up a few times a year but I think covid has made it acceptable not to meet as much and there are some health issues on their side that may have become useful excuses not to meet.

We live 3.5 hours away by car and I am driving down next week during half-term with my two dc, who are teens. I've just come off the phone with dm who has just said that we will be ordering a fast food take-out for lunch. The dc and I will be arriving at lunch time or thereabouts and then driving back that same day.

AIBU to think this is not a substantial meal to offer someone doing a 7 hour round trip and to feel sad and tired about the whole thing? I can't imagine saying this to my dc in 15 years time? Money isn't an issue. Time/practicalities are, but still.. It's probably not all/really about the meal but...AIBU?

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 10/02/2023 22:08

Autumndays22 · 10/02/2023 20:06

I hear you. If someone is making the effort to visit and travelling a long way, then a cooked meal is a courtesy that shows they care and have considered your needs. It’s not much when someone is doing a 7 hour round trip. Especially when that visitor is close family. I’d be upset too, OP

Finally some sense! People are being deliberately obtuse. Of course this is very shabby and low-effort on behalf of the OP's family. Not quite the fatted calf is it? 🙄. When my mother comes to us or we to her in similar circumstances, there is always a lovely home cooked meal and dessert because that is what you do for people you love who have gone to the effort and expense of visiting you. I have occasionally suggested we get a takeaway when we go to visit my mother and she immediately dismisses it as being a poor show. And she's right!

afinishedkiss · 10/02/2023 22:10

Salome61 · 10/02/2023 22:07

My MIL always did this, always, I hated it. Six hours on the road and my husband would have to immediately go out to the fish and chip shop while she margarined some cheap rolls :( Now I'm her age, I do find it difficult when my son comes, but I plan it properly so he has something out of the oven, even if it is only macaroni cheese and veg!

That is really nasty.

winningeasy · 10/02/2023 22:11

@FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall clearly is for OP, and possibly feels embarrassed and let down that her DM isn't making a bit more effort for her GC who she's not seen in years.

McDonald's is hardly going to leave a nice a lasting impression or create a nice memory for the family.

YANBU to feel upset, if she can't put you up at least cook something and put some effort into the food.

WandaWonder · 10/02/2023 22:13

Either there is massive back story or you have food issues

I really can't see the problem

ThreeLocusts · 10/02/2023 22:18

Hi OP sorry you're getting so much grief. I just paid through my nose for train tickets to visit people I don't know that well but share a problem with. Feeling a bit bummed that they're not offering much in return....

Yes it's just food but food is very symbolic. As pp said, try to make the best of it for your teens and don't expect too much from your parents. Good luck.

winningeasy · 10/02/2023 22:20

OP, it does sound like a bit of an insane journey tbh. 7 hours driving and sandwiched between time with people you don't really like who aren't making the effort just feels like hell. Are you sure you can be bothered?

If you do really want to do this I would suggest you break it up with a stay in a hotel. Doesn't have to be where your parents live, you could stop off in a town of interest and have a stroll about in the morning after / evening before, and make more of a fun road trip with your DC.

EmmaEmerald · 10/02/2023 22:23

OP I understand

if you were visiting me after a 3.5 hour drive, I would give two meals, esp for teenagers. Not even fully cooked by me, my cooking isn't great, but I'd make sure there was enough food and probably send you home with some because I'll have too much rather than risk not having enough.

You are busting a gut to visit and they are not even fussed enough to do a lunch. I'm sorry.

M103 · 10/02/2023 22:26

I would be upset as well. I don't understand all the responses saying you are unreasonable. If someone had done a 7 hour round trip just to have lunch with me, I would want to provide a nice lunch to show them how much I appreciate the effort. I would probably pack some food for them for the way back as well. Not just for close family, for anyone. Unless money was an issue of course.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/02/2023 22:41

You’re going to have to deal with them whilst driving??? What happens to them if they have a McDonald’s/BK/ Subway? They go that mental do they? In comparison how do they behave in the car if they have eaten a homemade cottage pie? Or a wholesome, organic chicken casserole? Are they genuinely that different to deal with? I think you’re blowing this out of proportion. Yes I think it’s bone idle not to provide something more special, but claiming you have to deal with the kids in the car after them eating some fast food is OTT.

Blinkingheckythump · 10/02/2023 22:45

Honestly why are you even bothering.? They're obviously not that arsed about seeing you and you don't seem to be interested in it either.

Original poster
pinotnow · 10/02/2023 22:46

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 10/02/2023 21:25

My MIL went through a phase of doing pizza or fish and chips every time we came, it was a long drive, but I thought: fair enough, she is probably totally fed up cooking and shaving for all the men and kids

js your father still alive, and if he is (or would be) , would you expect him to cook you a decent meal?

lits of women in their 50s have a moment of awakening and realising they are fed up caring for everyone all the time and go on strike for a bit

i hope for your mum that that is her reason as well

bloody hell women have to do all the fucking catering all the time… just read any MN Christmas dinner thread

she’s allowed a break

What on earth from what I have posted makes you think that is relevant or what is going on here?

Am I allowed a break?

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 10/02/2023 22:48

Moveoverdarlin · 10/02/2023 22:41

You’re going to have to deal with them whilst driving??? What happens to them if they have a McDonald’s/BK/ Subway? They go that mental do they? In comparison how do they behave in the car if they have eaten a homemade cottage pie? Or a wholesome, organic chicken casserole? Are they genuinely that different to deal with? I think you’re blowing this out of proportion. Yes I think it’s bone idle not to provide something more special, but claiming you have to deal with the kids in the car after them eating some fast food is OTT.

I think the point is that she's going to be driving, however far from a stopping point she may be, hearing I'm hungry mum, can we eat mum, I'm starving mum, how much longer mum, when can we stop for food mum etc etc. All far less likely if they've had a good filling lunch

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2023 22:54

Blinkingheckythump · 10/02/2023 22:48

I think the point is that she's going to be driving, however far from a stopping point she may be, hearing I'm hungry mum, can we eat mum, I'm starving mum, how much longer mum, when can we stop for food mum etc etc. All far less likely if they've had a good filling lunch

Show quote history

@Blinkingheckythump

her kids are teens not toddlers! They can wait for food and not pester their mum!

Blinkingheckythump · 10/02/2023 22:56

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2023 22:54

@Blinkingheckythump

her kids are teens not toddlers! They can wait for food and not pester their mum!

Show quote history

Do you have teenagers?!

LadyJ2023 · 10/02/2023 23:09

Not sure where your from but travelodges,premier inn are not expensive to stay in a family room for a night. Your choosing to rush a trip. I would be grateful for any food for my teens and not sure I know any teens that don't at least eat decent meals several times a day. Also don't know many takeaways that you can't order plenty and they aren't cheap as you say

headhigh · 10/02/2023 23:11

I have teenagers. They know how to behave appropriately.

Do your teens not? I pity their teachers if so....."Sir, Miss, I'm huuuuuuuuungry. Waaaah"

HashtagShitShop · 10/02/2023 23:15

emmathedilemma · 10/02/2023 20:42

Perhaps they think that a fast food takeaway would be a treat for the kids, or they’re trying to play it safe by ordering something they think they’ll eat and enjoy.
you are mostly being unreasonable for driving 7 hours in one day, it’s verging on dangerous.

Agree. If there hasn't been real contact for years, perhaps they don't know what people will eat or like so are doing this as an option so everyone gets something they like and they can focus on spending time with family? Otherwise it can be difficult to create something everyone will eat without problem IF you don't know everyone well enough to know their likes.

I'm also confused that you'd be out the house at least say 10 hrs (7 driving and around say 3 visiting?) and only expect to eat one meal? Surely you'd eat on the way home or when you got back to your house too so presenting it as not filling food is negated by needing more meals anyway?

thefamous5 · 10/02/2023 23:16

winningeasy · 10/02/2023 21:43

No it's not acceptable to drive 3.5 hours and be offered a McDonald's takeaway and then drive back. That is not a treat.

It's a slap in the face because it shows how little effort your DM is making. It's standard to cook your family something from that is fresh/ from scratch (even if it's just something simple like fajitas) or book a table somewhere nice. It's not hard.

Food is a love language.

Can you suggest you go out and split the bill? Rather than sit around eating McDonalds together, that sounds really sad

Food might be a 'love language' to you.

For other people, it's literally something that keeps them alive.

I don't show my love with food.

milkyaqua · 10/02/2023 23:17

It is a bit low-effort. But, you could pack some sandwiches and some fruit for the car trip home? It really does sound a bit odd, the way they become raging bulls of hunger so quickly and require all this "filling" food every few hours.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:18

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 22:46

What on earth from what I have posted makes you think that is relevant or what is going on here?

Am I allowed a break?

Show quote history

OP deliver three m and s dine in for two meals that your mum can just shove them in the oven to arrive the day before you get there otherwise it’s fast food. Your mum probably thought the teens would prefer it. I think you are projecting a lot on to this meal. This is obviously difficult for you and you are coming across as seething with anger. I found your comments well I can afford a hotel but I don’t want to spend my money on it really jarring. Maybe you shouldn’t visit if it is going to cause you this level of upset. Just feign illness and enjoy a day out with your children closer to home. You need to talk to someone about your anger towards your parents, which is no doubt completely justified, but you are only winding yourself up in circumstances like this.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2023 22:54

@Blinkingheckythump

her kids are teens not toddlers! They can wait for food and not pester their mum!

Show quote history

Yeah I agree with this. I would be very quick at putting a teen whinging about food like a three year old in their place. Cannot believe any one would tolerate this from anyone over the age of ten.
OP every teen I know would love having a load of road snacks for the trip. Nearly as wonderful as a car bar.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/02/2023 23:21

What did your mum say when you suggested something different?

I’m assuming something along the lines of “with all of the driving, we probably won’t get a chance to eat much before or after, do you have any Chinese takeaway we could order from? I can help with the bill since I’m bringing teenagers!’

SunshineLoving · 10/02/2023 23:23

If you see it positively, your DM may have chosen a lunch which she knows teenagers/children are likely to enjoy. I think you are understandably feeling hurt here because of past feelings but I don't think your mum planning McDonald's in itself is hurtful.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/02/2023 23:25

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:18

OP deliver three m and s dine in for two meals that your mum can just shove them in the oven to arrive the day before you get there otherwise it’s fast food. Your mum probably thought the teens would prefer it. I think you are projecting a lot on to this meal. This is obviously difficult for you and you are coming across as seething with anger. I found your comments well I can afford a hotel but I don’t want to spend my money on it really jarring. Maybe you shouldn’t visit if it is going to cause you this level of upset. Just feign illness and enjoy a day out with your children closer to home. You need to talk to someone about your anger towards your parents, which is no doubt completely justified, but you are only winding yourself up in circumstances like this.

Show quote history

That’s better than my comment all the way round… from the practical dinner standpoint and the larger issue…

You win for best all around advice!

Autumndays22 · 10/02/2023 23:27

I think it shows a lack of care and consideration for the long trip OP and the kids are taking to visit. Someone drives 7 hours to see you, at least make them a decent meal so they can have an easy takeout / sandwich / packed lunch option on the way home. But clearly I am in the minority on this thread!