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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this meal?

241 replies

pinotnow · 10/02/2023 19:41

I have quite a difficult/distant relationship with my parents for all sorts of reasons. There are some addiction issues (mainly controlled) with one parent and we don't live close by. As a result I haven't seen them for about 2 years. This is unusual for us as we would usually meet up a few times a year but I think covid has made it acceptable not to meet as much and there are some health issues on their side that may have become useful excuses not to meet.

We live 3.5 hours away by car and I am driving down next week during half-term with my two dc, who are teens. I've just come off the phone with dm who has just said that we will be ordering a fast food take-out for lunch. The dc and I will be arriving at lunch time or thereabouts and then driving back that same day.

AIBU to think this is not a substantial meal to offer someone doing a 7 hour round trip and to feel sad and tired about the whole thing? I can't imagine saying this to my dc in 15 years time? Money isn't an issue. Time/practicalities are, but still.. It's probably not all/really about the meal but...AIBU?

OP posts:
QuizzlyBears · 10/02/2023 20:26

So was your hope that the children would eat lunch and then not need another meal until breakfast the following morning?

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2023 20:26

You sound like hard work. Your poor parents.

gogohmm · 10/02/2023 20:27

I suspect she thinks it's a treat. For lunch I'd normally have a sandwich and some fruit.

SquirrelFan · 10/02/2023 20:28

I agree with a pp, it sounds like you were hoping for more of an effort being made for you, some evidence of caring. Maybe a picture in your head of everyone sitting around the dining table and sharing good food and conversation. Something more than a takeaway that you could get at home. After all, you're dragging the kids cross country for this.
Try to make it the nicest it can be? Even if your parents don't make the effort for you, you can try to make it a bit special for your kids - I don't know, get a nicer takeaway or as a pp suggested, find a lunch at a local pub.
Good luck, I hope it turns out more pleasant than you'd feared.

headhigh · 10/02/2023 20:28

Honestly?

I think you need to stop triangulating your children in this and pretending this is about them.

Unless they have special needs (do they?) the way you are speaking about them is very infantilising - talk of having to "deal with that" them needing to eat "while I'm driving" is the sort of thing I'd write when my DC were 5 and 7 and I was driving them on a long trip to Devon or whatever alone.

Stop trying to make this about them because it seems clear that this is about YOU and about what you want/expect/need.

None of us know why your relationship with your parents is so distant, and I empathise with the difficulty, I really do (give I've been n/c with mine for 6 years).

But no one is going to agree with you that this is about what's for lunch.

This is about your expectations of them and what them fulfilling them would mean to you.

First rule of customer service is to ask the disappointed customer what they want. So what DID you want? Cooked lunch? Taken to a restaurant?

Stop trying to make this about teenagers as if they'll melt in the back of the car after a McDonald's lunch.

You are upset for you.

WeCome1 · 10/02/2023 20:29

If this is lunch, it’s a decent lunch. If you pack a bag of fruit and crisps, that will see them through to when you get home for dinner? How do they manage at school otherwise?

I think you’re trying to create issues because you think they are not going to enough effort, which is a different issue. What teen wouldn’t be happy with fast food for lunch?

yellowhedges · 10/02/2023 20:29

I actually think your parents are trying to please you all without the added stress of cooking all morning for you. Then they'll have the time and energy to enjoy your company.
OP, you sound ridiculous.
Pack some snacks and sandwiches.

gogohmm · 10/02/2023 20:30

Anyway, even McDonald's have large meals, we (including the men in the household) only ever have medium

WeCome1 · 10/02/2023 20:30

@headhigh

Stop trying to make this about teenagers as if they'll melt in the back of the car after a McDonald's lunch.

That’s extremely funny! 😂😂

OutDamnedSpot · 10/02/2023 20:30

Is it likely that your DM thinks this is a ‘treat’? If it won’t be enough, can’t you just say that?

”actually mum, McDonald’s doesn’t seem to fill the kids up any more. Could you get something in for us to eat at yours? Or maybe we can go to ‘spoons? That’s cheap but more filling…”

Winter2020 · 10/02/2023 20:32

Hi OP,

If you can stretch to it I think a travelodge or Premier inn or similar with an unlimited breakfast in the morning would make your trip much more pleasant and less gruelling.

If you don't want to spend too long on your visit you could travel in the afternoon - perhaps suggest a chip shop tea? Then stay locally, nice breakfast and off home. If chip shop is too expensive you could offer to sub the cost difference.

Sounds much nicer than both journeys in one day.

Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 20:32

It’s lunch. You aren’t going for the food. Yes you will need to feed your kids dinner. I’m sorry that’s annoying you. But Generally most eat breakfast lunch and dinner.

Twawmyarse2 · 10/02/2023 20:33

I wouldn’t drive a 3.5 trip to be fed McDonald’s, no. But tbh I wouldn’t drive that far and back the same day - I couldn’t be arsed.

Why don’t you just not go?

Intransigentcat · 10/02/2023 20:33

You're travelling for all that time, they haven't seen you in literally years and they're just going to order in some crap junk food?

To be fair OP, the kids probably won't be bothered one iota but I understand why you are.

That really is a piss poor effort on their part. Hardly a meal prepared with love is it?

Sallyh87 · 10/02/2023 20:33

If they haven’t seen you and the kids in two years maybe she is nervous to make a lunch for potentially fussy teens that she doesn’t know well and is picking a meal she knows will be okay.

Just ask them to order more if you are worried about filling the kids up. Most of these places will have a side salad or some additional veggies you can add.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 10/02/2023 20:35

The food is fine (the kids would likely see it as a treat). The overall plan however, sounds like pure hell - 7 hours’ driving to return same day?!

I don’t think you should go unless you can turn this into a proper holiday.

neonjumper · 10/02/2023 20:35

There's many options you are BU.

I regularly travel with my two teens for the day to see family and we certainly do it expect two meals .

Have a big breakfast before you all go . Make a dish to take with you ie lasagne/ cottage pie etc and heat it up there before you leave to drive home .

My teens love a supermarket meal deal if you don't want to take something with you . It's only one day eating take out food ... not the end of the world .

Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 20:37

Twawmyarse2 · 10/02/2023 20:33

I wouldn’t drive a 3.5 trip to be fed McDonald’s, no. But tbh I wouldn’t drive that far and back the same day - I couldn’t be arsed.

Why don’t you just not go?

But she’s not going for free food.

Yarboosucks · 10/02/2023 20:37

By the sounds of it, it is not going to be a fun visit. So why not find somewhere nice to stop off on the way home for a nice dinner with your kids? Then no matter what they serve you, you have a treat to look forward to that breaks the journey?

EmmaDilemma5 · 10/02/2023 20:37

Intransigentcat · 10/02/2023 20:33

You're travelling for all that time, they haven't seen you in literally years and they're just going to order in some crap junk food?

To be fair OP, the kids probably won't be bothered one iota but I understand why you are.

That really is a piss poor effort on their part. Hardly a meal prepared with love is it?

Not everyone equates cooking with love. I don't and my parents don't. Whenever we arrange a get together that is particularly "special" we order in food. For us, it's a treat.

It's fair enough if people don't like fast food, but don't automatically think it means OPs parents don't care. For many, ordering in fast food would be considered special.

Cadburysucks · 10/02/2023 20:37

Well I would just tell them to order something better, look up some local takeaways and suggest something else substantial as the kids/teens will be hungry. Don’t be so passive, you are related to these people.

MissTrip82 · 10/02/2023 20:38

It’s clearly not about the food. Which would be a treat to most people, unless you eat it routinely. I don’t personally find a Chinese takeaway anymore filling then a fast food one hours later, I’m surprised you see such a distinction.

if you don’t want to go, then don’t.

BaroldBalonz · 10/02/2023 20:38

Just pack cereal bars, drinks, bananas and chocolate, no need to buy a big dinner somewhere. If you don't want to go then just don't go, but blaming a takeaway lunch for your woes is silly.

GrumpyPanda · 10/02/2023 20:38

Never mind the teens, personally I wouldn't feel terribly good about doing 7 hours driving, as sole driver, on junk food. You'll have a cheap carb high, then crash, and that's dangerous. And I've done lots of long distance solo driving.

Any youth hostels in the vicinity to stay over, OP? I gather there's no way you could just camp out at your family's, maybe if you brought sleeping bags and yoga mats?

ClementWeatherToday · 10/02/2023 20:39

Why don't you raise it with them? 'Mum, a fast food lunch is a nice idea for the teens but it won't really fill them up for the rest of the afternoon - could we maybe order in something else like XYZ?'

Is there a particular reason you believe they've specifically chosen fast food because it'll be cheap (BK especially never, ever comes out cheap when we have it - in a service station recently two meals came to over twenty quid) and not because they think it's what the teens will want?