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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL has messed up my front garden … AIBU?

234 replies

Rosieposey91 · 09/02/2023 20:40

FIL offered to do our front garden in our new house for us. Originally I wasn’t keen on the idea as he didn’t put my son’s bedroom furniture together very well. However with the cost of living it meant to have what we really wanted would take a good couple years to afford. I agreed to him doing some pebbles and fake plants etc and already started off on the wrong foot as he went against my wish for big pebbles and got smaller ‘tacky’ looking ones. He then let us pay for the paint as we wanted a darker grey colour despite saying it was all his treat. That’s not an issue but also has asked me to order the fake plants etc so isn’t ‘really’ treating us to it. Bearing in mind these things aren’t that expensive … then today he puts in some slabs that 1) don’t match our other slabs 2) weren’t what we agreed , we agreed concrete not slabs 3) are much larger than the slabs we have so look completely odd.

it was so awkward as my husband wasn’t here, so I just agreed that it would look ok when painted but inside I was thinking this looks so cheap and tacky and rushed.

I’ve told my partner and thankfully he fully agrees it looks rubbish.

now I’m stuck as to what to do, ask him to take the slabs up and let him carry on or just wait and save and get it done exactly how we want it. All along we have said no to him doing it and he kept insisting , I didn’t let the MIL be involved as last time she was stood on MY drive saying this will go here and we will have that there etc … they completely baby my husband but I won’t have them baby me, I’ve always been independent and my parents have let me have my own mind etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MelaniesFlowers · 09/02/2023 21:36

I don’t see the relevance of commenting on your choice of garden decoration. We all have different tastes.

The issue here is that FIL agreed to do X and is now doing Y. In that situation I would make it very plain that this was not what was agreed; you appreciate he wanted to treat you but you’re not happy with this.

He’s being rude by dismissing what you said you want and doing it his way, so I wouldn’t worry about how they might perceive you. They don’t care how you are perceiving them.

Snugglemonkey · 09/02/2023 21:37

TheShellBeach · 09/02/2023 21:16

Practically all plants you see in window boxes, planters etc in high end commercial premises are fake.

Very likely. That doesn't make it all right though.

I thought the same thing. Actually, all the more need for people to push back any way they can and plant pollinators. Even if it is just a window box.

Daffodilis · 09/02/2023 21:38

It would be a lot better on the environment if people stopped preaching and held back on all their hot air.

ItsCalledAConversation · 09/02/2023 21:38

@TheShellBeach @Huns2Getha4Eva I’m dead 😂😂😂

mrsfennel · 09/02/2023 21:38

I think you have to get in there fast next time Fil wants to 'help'. Have something ready in your head that you have actually rehearsed.

'thats really kind but we have actually got someone booked in to do that'.

'We aren't sure what we want to do with that area so we are holding off for the moment'

etc etc

Stacey78957 · 09/02/2023 21:38

Honestly horrified at how horrible some people can be behind a screen ! In regards to your issue with your FIL I would have your husband address this with him, that you’ve appreciate what he is doing however, express how you’s vision it to look. I am sure if he is close to his parents this cane be done in an ungrateful, hurtful way !

PS, I like the plants ! Unfortunately as much as everyone would love to have “ real “ plants not everyone has the time for the upkeep.

hope you get your dilemma sorted :)

Stacey78957 · 09/02/2023 21:40

“ non hurtful way “ **

Daffodilis · 09/02/2023 21:41

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 21:35

What relevance does "I'll bet they drive a car" have? 😵‍💫
Most people drive cars, even if op doesn't drive (and she probably does) it won't mitigate the environmental effect of sheeting her garden in plastic and concrete.

Show quote history

I just bet you'd nag someone into next week if you could

MissMaple82 · 09/02/2023 21:42

I think he meant doing it as a gift, as in the labour, not the parts! Why would he pay for all the fakery, paint and concrete slabs plus all the free labour! You sound very cheeky

IClaudine · 09/02/2023 21:42

Underminer · 09/02/2023 21:16

Hi op,

Those plastic balls fade really badly. Real topiary balls are lovely, but you have to maintain them to a small size and shape which is tricky.

How about something like this with grasses. They add some movement and are very contemporary without putting micro plastics into the Earth. Blue fescue grasses are gorgeous. Or ponytail grass?

Oh Lord. That just looks sad to me. Also, cats would probably use those bark chippings or whatver they are as a giant litter tray.

pictoosh · 09/02/2023 21:42

Frankly I'd be more annoyed with dh than fil. I'd struggle to have a domineering fil turn up and uglify my garden while my dh played dumb and shrugged at me. I'd go mental.
That might not even be fair...but seriously, I wouldn't have had this from my own parents, bollocks to someone else's.

WeepingSomnambulist · 09/02/2023 21:44

Have you seen The Lorax?

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 09/02/2023 21:44

Stacey78957 · 09/02/2023 21:38

Honestly horrified at how horrible some people can be behind a screen ! In regards to your issue with your FIL I would have your husband address this with him, that you’ve appreciate what he is doing however, express how you’s vision it to look. I am sure if he is close to his parents this cane be done in an ungrateful, hurtful way !

PS, I like the plants ! Unfortunately as much as everyone would love to have “ real “ plants not everyone has the time for the upkeep.

hope you get your dilemma sorted :)

Your better off having no plants than fake plants if you haven’t the time.

GlassBunion · 09/02/2023 21:44

DashboardConfessional · 09/02/2023 20:57

What ever happened to ‘be kind’

It went in the bin along with other hashtags designed to shut women up.

Oh behave.

Airplant · 09/02/2023 21:45

plastic plants and plastic lawn, Just concrete the lot and paint it green. 😂

Sounds and looks hideous id be billing him.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 09/02/2023 21:46

Clarefromwork · 09/02/2023 21:32

Ooo could I join your I have fake grass club and be told how bad it is for the environment by people who most likely drive around in a car, buy single use non recyclable items, buy imported products and all the other things that are bad for the environment too?

Exactly !! My garden had Astro turf before we moved in but I just wanted some more light entertainment. I wonder how many also have electric cars because I have a hybrid so I’m doing my bit 🤣

OP posts:
Notaboutyouthistime · 09/02/2023 21:46

It all just sounds awful. I'm sorry, I know that's unhelpful. But this would never have looked nice!

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 09/02/2023 21:48

MissMaple82 · 09/02/2023 21:42

I think he meant doing it as a gift, as in the labour, not the parts! Why would he pay for all the fakery, paint and concrete slabs plus all the free labour! You sound very cheeky

No I thought he just meant the labour. But he clearly said to us he would pay for all the parts too as he had a large bonus. Not cheeky at all, have happily paid for the parts etc just saying he said one thing and did another. We never expected it

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 09/02/2023 21:48

Lavender and grasses (real plants) will be minimal work and look so much better. They don't need much care. You'll also be helping the bees. Succulents can also be easy and don't need much care.

I'd rethink the fake plants. Fake plants look fake, they fade, as soon as they get dusty they look more fake. The topiary balls are way too uniform to look natural or like a garden. The first thing I would do is rip them out if I bought a home with them. The good thing about that is it's easy to do, so easy to plant up.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/02/2023 21:49

Your DH needs to say to his dad that what he's done is not what you (meaning both of you) are asking for. If he doesn't get it, ask him if he was getting work done and the person doing the work took it upon themselves to change what was expected and present something completely different at the end whether he'd be happy with that.
I wouldn't be happy in arriving home expecting X to be done having explained that we wanted X, only to find Y instead, no matter who is doing the job or whether it is a freebie or a paid job.

Original poster
Rosieposey91 · 09/02/2023 21:51

Stacey78957 · 09/02/2023 21:38

Honestly horrified at how horrible some people can be behind a screen ! In regards to your issue with your FIL I would have your husband address this with him, that you’ve appreciate what he is doing however, express how you’s vision it to look. I am sure if he is close to his parents this cane be done in an ungrateful, hurtful way !

PS, I like the plants ! Unfortunately as much as everyone would love to have “ real “ plants not everyone has the time for the upkeep.

hope you get your dilemma sorted :)

Thanks for your kind, helpful comment. My partner has spoken to FIL and he has agreed to take the slabs up and do what we originally wanted :) yes I love real plants, at my parents they have the most beautiful garden and plants etc. I just can’t have them unfortunately x

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 09/02/2023 21:51

Rosieposey91 · 09/02/2023 21:48

No I thought he just meant the labour. But he clearly said to us he would pay for all the parts too as he had a large bonus. Not cheeky at all, have happily paid for the parts etc just saying he said one thing and did another. We never expected it

Show quote history

Oh I see, sorry. God knows then. Yes, it's baffling if he's said one thing but done the opposite. Maybe he's got early signs of dementia? Forgetting important things? Maybe he forgot the 'size' of slabs?

DashboardConfessional · 09/02/2023 21:53

GlassBunion · 09/02/2023 21:44

Oh behave.

Show quote history

#bequiet

Butwhytho · 09/02/2023 21:53

Well, aside from all the whys and wherefores of tacky vs non tacky pebbles and fake plants that aren’t fake plants really, this comes down to two main points for me; 1. If you know that your in laws are controlling and prone to overstepping and overruling you, what a silly decision it was to involve FIL with this at all, particularly as you clearly have a very specific image in your head as to what you want and 2. Speak up!!! If you don’t like something, say so. You don’t need to be rude or confrontational about it, but equally you don’t have to just passively let things happen around you.
ps congratulations on your new baby 💐

Jux · 09/02/2023 21:56

Hi I have ms, low thyroid and a heart condition, so am stuck when it comes to physical work. I do see why you want the garden as you do.

Can I just mention that our pollinators really are buggered if we don't help them. Please do consider just having a couple of things in pots.

Rosemary - you don't have to do anything much to it at all, just pick some when you cook! Saves you buying the dried stuff at exorbitant price. Smells wonderful too!

My daughter has bought me a dwarf apple tree which lives in a pot, produces blossom, looks fab, free fruit!

Hpnestly, they are no work! I ask them how they are, say hi, sometimes tell them they're looking beautiful but I talk to everything, you don't have to!

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