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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with partner choosing the gym

156 replies

unsurerightno · 09/02/2023 15:46

NC for post. Been with partner 4 years. Love together for two. Trying to get the spare room decorated and furniture built. The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week and as I now WFH i'm obviously doing a lot more than I used when I was in office. Washing everyday, cleaning, built the wardrobes that arrived, cleared our bedroom out etc. every night I've been having dinner on my own as partner doesn't get back till 7:30 and I can't wait that long. I've asked him to give up golf next weekend to do a tip run and asked him to sort his draws etc out as they're full of crap he doesn't need. We've had a huge argument about this as I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2023 15:53

Forewarned is fair warned. This is who he is, and this is what your future will be. He doesn't prioritise you and never will. FFS, don't have a baby with this man, and I hope you have a very long think about this relationship and whether this is what you want to settle for.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 09/02/2023 15:57

Why the sudden interest in the gym every night of the week.....?

MelchiorsMistress · 09/02/2023 15:59

There’s nothing wrong with him going to the gym regularly if you don’t have children at home. Are you sure you haven’t become too reliant on him for company now you’re wfh?

MaverickGooseGoose · 09/02/2023 15:59

He won't change.

Although 730 isn't late to be having dinner. I assume he's working too?

Why couldn't he help build wardrobes after the gym?

ShirleyPhallus · 09/02/2023 16:01

Why don’t you use the time from when you finishing working until 7.30 for yourself then do all the house admin together?

redbigbananafeet · 09/02/2023 16:01

MelchiorsMistress · 09/02/2023 15:59

There’s nothing wrong with him going to the gym regularly if you don’t have children at home. Are you sure you haven’t become too reliant on him for company now you’re wfh?

I don't think it's 'reliant' to expect to see you partner before 7.30pm and share the odd evening meal together.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 16:08

I wouldn’t change my exercise routine for a partner if there are no children at home tbh. I also wouldn’t be doing everything at home. I don’t think 7.30 is especially late to get home and for most of my working life this is when I would usually have gotten home. I wouldn’t take kindly to someone ordering me to cancel things to go to the tip or particularly to clear out drawers, as that sounds like a parent talking to a child to me. It sounds like you are both at cross purposes. Do you usually communicate well? It doesn’t come across that way. If you set the stall out you will do everything at home you’ll make a rod for your own back. You need to divide things fairly, but no it’s not reasonable for you to ask him not to go to the gym just because you want him at home. Tbh it would make me dig my heels in.

Lovetotravel123 · 09/02/2023 16:13

Could you join him at the gym? It’s good that he wants to keep fit. This would turn it into a positive.

Lavender14 · 09/02/2023 16:14

It sounds like you just need to sit down and discuss your expectations of each other and try to reach a compromise. I also don't think 7.30 is that late - could you have a light snack to keep you going so you can eat with him? Can he agree to take on certain tasks to split things evenly? Can you agree on having a protected date night where you both have quality time together and the other nights you're both free to enjoy your own time as suits? If you have kids then it's different but as two adults living together I think it's reasonable to have hobbies and interests but I think you might need to get some of your own that get you out so you aren't sitting home waiting on him?

SlashBeef · 09/02/2023 16:16

Honestly don't see a problem with him going to the gym 4/5 times a week, especially if there's no children to do bedtimes with etc.
Maybe you could have more going on hobbies wise for yourself so you're not at home waiting around for him?

MamaMiaOhDear · 09/02/2023 16:17

I think in these kinds of situations it's more about the way you request something that changes how it is received by someone... for example;

Instead of asking him to not play golf and go to the tip, you could say "we've got a lot of stuff built up that needs taking to the tip - when do you think you might be free to tackle it?"

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 16:18

Huh this isn't a relationship why you staying?

Binfluencer · 09/02/2023 16:18

7.30 is a normal time to get home!

Callisto1 · 09/02/2023 16:20

As you spend more time at home it's normal that unfinished stuff bothers you more. He is put and about and doesn't see stuff needs to be done.
It would be worth sitting down and working out what you both want from each other and if in the long run you are compatible. I mean if you like being at home and he likes being out you will struggle!

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:21

You need to think very carefully before you have kids with this man.

Laurdo · 09/02/2023 16:25

I go to the gym 5/6 times a week. I usually go later at 8pm or at 6am because it's not as busy but I go to a crossfit gym 2/3 times a week and sessions are usually 6.30pm so we usually have dinner later on as I don't want to be exercising with a full stomach. Sometimes DH has plans right after work and doesn't get back until later. We just have dinner whenever suits and not necessarily at the same time every night.

I assume he goes straight from work because that's more convenient. Can you not just have a slice of toast or a snack to keep you going then have dinner when he's home? I WFH too and I usually have a bigger lunch a bit later to keep me going until I have dinner.

7.30pm isn't that late and unless he goes to bed at 8pm there's plenty of time to do some of the household stuff.

Why are you waiting around for him? Maybe you need to find yourself a hobby to keep yourself occupied. I don't think him having hobbies is a bad thing. You can't expect him to be at your beck and call constantly.

There has to be some give and take. I don't think you should be expecting him to give up the gym or golf but in the same respect if there's stuff needing done at home he needs to make time for that. You both need to compromise. I know I wouldn't be happy if my DH expected me to give up the gym because it affected his dinner time. And vice versa.

zingally · 09/02/2023 16:26

He's showing you who he is, and you don't like it. FFS don't marry this man, and don't have his kids. If he won't prioritise you as his girlfriend, he's certainly not going to when you're his wife.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/02/2023 16:26

To me - 7.30pm is a pretty normal time for adults to be eating dinner - but if you can't wait, there's nothing stopping you from having a snack mid-afternoon and eating dinner together when he gets home.

You say you're busy doing all this stuff around the house, but surely you're not building wardrobes and cleaning out your bedroom every night? Two adults can't make that much mess, especially when one of them isn't even home all day.

I think you've fallen into the trap of relying on him for company now that you're WFH and not really socialising or seeing anyone during the day. You have no DC at home, so why not go out in the evenings and do something for you?

He doesn't need to give up golf to go to the tip and clean his drawers out - he's not a teenager who needs to be told to clean his room!

pd339 · 09/02/2023 16:27

You just sound incompatible. Neither one of you is necessarily unreasonable.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/02/2023 16:29

Sounds like you don't like working from home! And why are you doing so much more ? Shouldn't you be working?

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 09/02/2023 16:29

Did he refuse to build the wardrobes? Couldn’t you have arranged a day when you were both free to build it or did he keep putting it off?

I don’t think the gym is the issue, it’s quite normal to go to the gym 4/5 times a week (if the gym is what you’re into!) If he isn’t pitching in with cleaning that needs to be addressed separately, but he can always do it after the gym and/or on the days he’s not at the gym.

7:30pm isn’t all that late, would you consider having dinner then at least a couple of times a week?

Jellybean23 · 09/02/2023 16:29

You are lucky - you are getting a look into your future if you stay with him. This is as good as it's going to get. You've made it easy for him - you are the housekeeper with benefits. And you are helping to pay the bills. The only fly in the ointment is you are a nag about him going out and pleasing himself - so he will moan about that to his mates and become resentful.

heartbroken40 · 09/02/2023 16:29

I go to the gym 5-6 times a week. Keeps me fit and I like it. There's no ulterior motive. My partner can have hobbies too. Sorry but yes YABVU. Sometimes I go with my partner why can't you go with him? And 730 is a very normal time to get home and have supper

doodleygirl · 09/02/2023 16:29

I don’t see the problem, I train 5 times a week, we eat dinner together most nights, about 8 ish. I think you both need to talk about your expectations. It sounds like you are over reliant on him.

I wouldn’t give something up to go to the top, that’s bonnets. Just go another day.

doodleygirl · 09/02/2023 16:31

bloody typo’s. Tip and Bonkers

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