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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up with partner choosing the gym

156 replies

unsurerightno · 09/02/2023 15:46

NC for post. Been with partner 4 years. Love together for two. Trying to get the spare room decorated and furniture built. The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week and as I now WFH i'm obviously doing a lot more than I used when I was in office. Washing everyday, cleaning, built the wardrobes that arrived, cleared our bedroom out etc. every night I've been having dinner on my own as partner doesn't get back till 7:30 and I can't wait that long. I've asked him to give up golf next weekend to do a tip run and asked him to sort his draws etc out as they're full of crap he doesn't need. We've had a huge argument about this as I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 09/02/2023 16:32

Him going to the gym isn’t a big issue. You doing everything in the house is a big issue. I would stop conflating the two. He needs to start organising his hobbies around his share of the necessary daily tasks in the house.

CosyScentedCandles · 09/02/2023 16:32

Why don’t you go to the gym together? We both go 4-5 nights a week here and eat dinner 7:45-8pm. It’s too long to wait if you have nothing else on and you are bored but if you’re busy you don’t feel at hungry and it’s a perfectly acceptable dinner time

notangelinajolie · 09/02/2023 16:33

Eat dinner at 7.30 and do the wardrobes after. Sorry sounds a bit flippant but I don't think he will change.

He sounds selfish. Kids and marriage with this man is probably not a good idea.

Courgeon · 09/02/2023 16:34

Gym most days and a 7.30 dinner is pretty much our lives, saying you "can't wait" makes you sound like a little child. You have no kids, you have loads of flexibility you don't have to do anything at any particular time!

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:35

OP - if you take away the jobs he hasn’t done, and the fact that you do more, how would you then feel about the gym/eating late thing ?

Courgeon · 09/02/2023 16:37

And if someone told me to give up an entire day doing my hobby at the weekend because they thought there was crap I didn't need in my drawers they'd be told to do one! He's an adult and you're not his keeper. As for the tip run does an entire day have to be sacrificed just for that? You sound quite needy and controlling. Do the tip run yourself when you have the time!

Harlow19 · 09/02/2023 16:38

So I think YABU about the time he gets home from work and the gym. I do not even go to the gym and do not get home until 6:30-7:00pm. Husband gets home at 4:00pm. So naturally he does have more time to do bits and bobs around the house and he always waits for me to get home to have dinner together. I used to go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week after work and he’d happily wait an extra half hour / hour so we can have dinner together.

You are at home working from home so I don’t know how you are having all this time to do bits and bobs and building wardrobes but to be fair I’ve never WFH.

The only thing I agree on you with is that he should do more around the house and make time to do more, I wouldn’t necessarily tell my husband he can’t go golf as I want him to go tip to be honest but I would tell him that I need him to go to the tip within the next week or something like that.

It sounds like you both need to compromise a bit more and be more understanding to one another, maybe you should try and get a hobby of your own or wait to have dinner together and maybe he needs to pull his finger out more!

Sandinmyknickers · 09/02/2023 16:38

I agree with a PP that you shouldn't conflate the gym with him.not doing things around the house.
I think its reasonable to ask when he will get some house things done. But unreasonable to dictate his weekend to him and boss him around.
It is also ery unreasonable imo in your situation, with presumably no children, to suggest that he shouldn't be going to the gym so much and should be home before 7.30!!! If a partner said that to me, I would be leaving them pronto!!! You're not attached at the hip, indulge some of your own hobbies in that time rather than doing all the housework

Marblessolveeverything · 09/02/2023 16:42

I am sorry but I don't see a partner problem here. I am reading this as you don't have childcare responsibilities then I don't see the gym 4/5 times every week as an issue. Pre children that was pretty much my routine and I am starting to ramp back up to it.

Why do you want them to tidy their drawers? surely that is up to them ? Dinner is at 8 at the earliest for adults here and we all manage - perhaps have a snack earlier?

I am reading this as controlling - perhaps I am missing something regarding responsibilities or an expectation for the work to be done solely by you? I wouldn't cancel golf/day with friends for a task that can be done pretty much anytime. As I said perhaps I am missing some information?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/02/2023 16:44

I dont think the gym is the issue provided that he isnt then knackered and not doing anything else. Eg chores shouldn't fall to you since you're at home more. Is that an issue? If so can you sit down and see what chores you're each responsible for and its up to him to ensure his are done (rather than just falling to whoever happens to be around?)

Cas112 · 09/02/2023 16:46

Has he always gone gym like this? My partner and most his friends have a usual routine of going gym 4/5days a week after work, he has done since before he met me. It's quite common for gym goers to go so often, you can't ask him to change this if this is something he's always done

fluffi · 09/02/2023 16:48

I would not like it if my partner asked me to give hobby at the weekend after a week at work to go the tip or tidy up. That is unlikely to go down well. Surely he can play golf and fit the tip trip around it? It’s not an either/or.

Also as others have said 7:30pm is a reasonable time to get home after a day in the office. If he was strolling in at 9:30/10pm everyday after going to gym / pub without coming home first then I’d be more concerned.

Mariposista · 09/02/2023 16:50

Why don't you find yourself a hobby too? Sounds like you spend far too much time at home!

bonzaitree · 09/02/2023 16:53

It’s normal for partners to have hobbies. We are child free and do all sorts- football, gym, cycling, language classes, dog training, late night shopping. It’s part of the joys of being child free!

Drop the rope at home- stop washing, cleaning etc. Do something you enjoy instead! Get a cleaner if you can afford it? (Given he is playing golf I suggest you can!)

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 09/02/2023 16:55

Sounds like he's having an affair if he is spending that much time away from you. NO ONE, not even gym junkies go that many times. Plus weekend of golf? I'd be asking who she is.

Pardon44 · 09/02/2023 16:59

I wouldn't have an issue with the gym. However, I would expect him to contribute equally to the upkeep of the household. I wouldn't be sitting at home doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and admin. He needs to do his share. Also if he can't do his share now he will never do it when you're married / have kids.

Duckingella · 09/02/2023 17:06

You work from home and appear to be lumbered with the housework and cooking;he golfs at weekends and goes to the gym on weekdays.

You're his glorified housekeeper.

Do not have kids with this man;he'll already showing you he won't do an equal share and thinks his time is more valuable than yours.

ttctimeforme · 09/02/2023 17:07

I wouldn't cancel going to golf with friends to do a tip run either

I think you need to arrange a date night once a week. He probably thinks if he hasn't got plans with you he's free to do what he likes. But i think you feel by default he should be spending the evenings with you

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/02/2023 17:14

I’ve never eaten at 7:30. It’s always done and dusted by 6:30.

I’d be pissed off if l were you. What’s the point being in a relationship if you don’t see much of each other?

SlashBeef · 09/02/2023 17:16

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 09/02/2023 16:55

Sounds like he's having an affair if he is spending that much time away from you. NO ONE, not even gym junkies go that many times. Plus weekend of golf? I'd be asking who she is.

What?! Yes they do! Some people are in the gym every day!

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2023 17:19

The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week

How often did he used to go? Do you think he's doing it deliberately to avoid anything that might resemble a chore? How's the relationship generally? How long has he been playing golf?

Sorry for all the questions, it's trying to get a feel for the dynamic here.

While hobbies are fine, they're not if they're being used to avoid either work or a partner. I can understand why you say I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free. It does sound like possibly you're not his priority anymore.

Laurdo · 09/02/2023 17:21

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2023 17:19

The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week

How often did he used to go? Do you think he's doing it deliberately to avoid anything that might resemble a chore? How's the relationship generally? How long has he been playing golf?

Sorry for all the questions, it's trying to get a feel for the dynamic here.

While hobbies are fine, they're not if they're being used to avoid either work or a partner. I can understand why you say I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free. It does sound like possibly you're not his priority anymore.

Or maybe it's because it was January last month. Loads of people have a health kick in January.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/02/2023 17:22

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 09/02/2023 16:55

Sounds like he's having an affair if he is spending that much time away from you. NO ONE, not even gym junkies go that many times. Plus weekend of golf? I'd be asking who she is.

There's always one Hmm

And FYI, lots of childfree people do their hobbies everyday. It's very normal.

Laurdo · 09/02/2023 17:23

SlashBeef · 09/02/2023 17:16

What?! Yes they do! Some people are in the gym every day!

Show quote history

Clearly a troll.

I've already done spin and weight training today and I'm just about to go do crossfit.

My dad's 67 and goes to the gym 5 days a week, sometimes twice in the one day. He bowls at the weekend.

Courgeon · 09/02/2023 17:25

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 09/02/2023 16:55

Sounds like he's having an affair if he is spending that much time away from you. NO ONE, not even gym junkies go that many times. Plus weekend of golf? I'd be asking who she is.

Both of us do that many gym visits plus sometimes a hobby at the weekend too ... I know loads of people that do it. They're not having affairs. You see him from 7.30 most evenings.. That's loads of time! I'd find you suffocating, I don't think you're both on the same page...