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Original poster

Fed up with partner choosing the gym

156 replies

unsurerightno · 09/02/2023 15:46

NC for post. Been with partner 4 years. Love together for two. Trying to get the spare room decorated and furniture built. The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week and as I now WFH i'm obviously doing a lot more than I used when I was in office. Washing everyday, cleaning, built the wardrobes that arrived, cleared our bedroom out etc. every night I've been having dinner on my own as partner doesn't get back till 7:30 and I can't wait that long. I've asked him to give up golf next weekend to do a tip run and asked him to sort his draws etc out as they're full of crap he doesn't need. We've had a huge argument about this as I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free.

OP posts:
motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 22:07

@StarsSand by the sound of her building the wardrobe on her own if she did not do it then it would just not get done so yes he is selfish because he knows if he leaves chores and jobs long enough she will just do them being utterly fed up

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 22:09

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 22:04

@StarsSand I am sorry but if I did all the cleaning, all the laundry, built a wardrobe all on my own as my partner is never there and I asked for one tiny favour of just for one weekend to go to the tip instead of swanning off to his hobby like he does every weekend I would be bloody livid too.

He's not never there. He's spending plenty of time at home.

The gym and him not helping with chores are two separate issues.

What world are people posting from, in which everyone is home by 5:15pm steadfastly doing chores each night?

How often is OP building cupboards?

I wouldn't cancel plans to run to the tip. That can wait.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 22:22

I was always home by 6
Dh akways home by 5.45
DB always home by 5:30
SIL home by 6
BIL home by 5.00
Bil home by 5
SIL home by 6
Dss works from home
DSS hybrid, never in later than 5
Ds works from home

No one ever home at 7:30. Maybe it’s because we live in the north. DH commutes for 50 mins.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 22:23

Gym attendees tend to go early am.

deeperthanallroses · 10/02/2023 22:28

At all these people saying have dinner at 7:30… that means they think you should have dinner on the table for him to walk in to. Don’t do that- be out for a walk or reading with wine and when he gets in ask him what’s for dinner. The gym is ok, not pulling his weight is not. Stop doing it for him, get a few boxes you just dump his crap into, leave his washing and stop cooking dinner. If you eat cereal for dinner for a couple of weeks it’s worth it to highlight that you’re not the domestic slave. Or get a nice piece of fish for one and cook it up. Look surprised when he’s grumpy- what do you mean I didn’t cook you dinner? But you don’t cook me dinner so why do you expect me to? This relationship goes both ways or not at all, I’m not your housekeeper.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/02/2023 22:38

No I don't think dinner should be on the table. I think he should cook when he gets in and eat at 8. A perfectly normal time for adults to eat dinner

rothbury · 10/02/2023 22:38

You sound pretty incompatible

Lcb123 · 10/02/2023 22:41

BigMadAdrian · 10/02/2023 08:47

My mum's advice to me when I was younger was to never marry a man with a hobby! This was because of my dad - but from what you have written he was much worse than your dp (he was an artist with a day job, so spent most of his free time painting and also played tennis a lot - we didn't see him much).

Horrific advice 😂 what a boring life. We both have a multiple of hobbies-shared and individual. Very happy marriage

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 22:42

@Dishwashersaurous not that many healthy meals only take 30 mins of cooking or prep work. would more likely be eating at 8:30-9:00 which is then very late

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 22:49

@Lcb123 nothing wrong with hobbies. what is not OK is prioritising your hobby above your partner and shared home.

GrumpyPanda · 10/02/2023 22:59

You lost me at "washing daily." For two unencumbered adults, that's batshit. By all means distribute necessary work, such as shopping and cooking, equally. But otherwise - work on getting a life of your own rather than engaging in obsessive routines like daily washing.

Lcb123 · 10/02/2023 23:09

GrumpyPanda · 10/02/2023 22:59

You lost me at "washing daily." For two unencumbered adults, that's batshit. By all means distribute necessary work, such as shopping and cooking, equally. But otherwise - work on getting a life of your own rather than engaging in obsessive routines like daily washing.

This!! We’re two adults only - sometimes one wash per week 😂

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:23

@Lcb123 , and @GrumpyPanda

it's easy to get at least 4 loads a week. Bedding, blacks, colours, whites, wool/delicate/any special care items that is 5 loads per week.

Yarrawonga · 10/02/2023 23:30

No one ever home at 7:30. Maybe it’s because we live in the north. DH commutes for 50 mins.

Maybe.

I teach until seven (university). I have a 40 minute commute.

I get in after 7:30. Dinner is waiting for me.

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 23:33

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:23

@Lcb123 , and @GrumpyPanda

it's easy to get at least 4 loads a week. Bedding, blacks, colours, whites, wool/delicate/any special care items that is 5 loads per week.

That's still not daily washing. And it's not so time consuming people need to stop their hobbies and rush home to do it.

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:42

@StarsSand depends on how many other chores there are and how much your partner helps out. by the sounds of it the partner uses all his free time for his hobby so OP is dumped with all the house work. Depending on property this could be gardening, hoovering, daily dishes (not everyone has a dish washer my first flat certainly did not), mopping the floor, dusting the surfaces, food shop, cooking, and doing all of the bigger house jobs too. I am sure OP would love to swan off to a hobby but can't as things would never get done if she did not do it

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:44

@StarsSand also would you be as supportive if the hobby was gaming for example? I am sure not. you would say he can game once all the jobs are done

StarsSand · 11/02/2023 00:19

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:42

@StarsSand depends on how many other chores there are and how much your partner helps out. by the sounds of it the partner uses all his free time for his hobby so OP is dumped with all the house work. Depending on property this could be gardening, hoovering, daily dishes (not everyone has a dish washer my first flat certainly did not), mopping the floor, dusting the surfaces, food shop, cooking, and doing all of the bigger house jobs too. I am sure OP would love to swan off to a hobby but can't as things would never get done if she did not do it

Unless they are running a farm or something I don't see how there could be so many chores that two childfree unmarried people are morally obligated to be home and doing chores immediately after work and then also on the weekend.

I have children and a job. My husband and I rarely start doing chores or cooking our dinner until the children are in bed at 8pm. We are out most of the weekend at children's sports and birthday parties. The chores still get done.

StarsSand · 11/02/2023 00:25

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:44

@StarsSand also would you be as supportive if the hobby was gaming for example? I am sure not. you would say he can game once all the jobs are done

That's different for so many reasons and not really relevant.

It's normal to go to the gym after work. It doesn't make sense to come home, eat dinner very early, do chores and then head back out to the gym later in the day when you are more tired. The gym is probably closed by then and I doubt OP would be any happier about her partner heading out again at 9pm every night.

There are also a lot of health benefits to exercising that just don't apply to gaming.

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 00:26

@StarsSand he could go in the morning before work.

StarsSand · 11/02/2023 00:31

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 00:26

@StarsSand he could go in the morning before work.

He could but why should he?

His current routine leaves plenty of time to do 50% of the chores associated with a two adult household.

It's totally fine for OP to expect him to do 50% of the chores and help with building cupboards and a tip run.

It's not ok for her to demand he changes his established routine to her liking and cancel his plans to do a tip run precisely when she wants him to.

They need to allocate chores between them fairly and then be allowed to decide how and when they complete their own duties.

If my DH had demanded I report home for chores immediately after work every night before we were even married let alone had children. Demanded I cancel my plans with friends to do an errand that could wait exactly when he wished me to- I would have left him for being controlling!

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 01:42

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 00:26

@StarsSand he could go in the morning before work.

He prefers to go after work. He’s allowed to prefer that. OP does sound very needy.

Cosyblankets · 11/02/2023 10:11

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 00:26

@StarsSand he could go in the morning before work.

Why should he?
There could be any number of reasons why he goes after work

oiltrader · 11/02/2023 10:14

DH and I go to the gym together. we have the Nanny look after the kids. it has brought us much closer.
I can thoroughly recommend this x

ShirleyPhallus · 11/02/2023 10:24

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 23:42

@StarsSand depends on how many other chores there are and how much your partner helps out. by the sounds of it the partner uses all his free time for his hobby so OP is dumped with all the house work. Depending on property this could be gardening, hoovering, daily dishes (not everyone has a dish washer my first flat certainly did not), mopping the floor, dusting the surfaces, food shop, cooking, and doing all of the bigger house jobs too. I am sure OP would love to swan off to a hobby but can't as things would never get done if she did not do it

“All his free time” 🤣 he gets home at 7.30 not 11.30!