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Original poster

Fed up with partner choosing the gym

156 replies

unsurerightno · 09/02/2023 15:46

NC for post. Been with partner 4 years. Love together for two. Trying to get the spare room decorated and furniture built. The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week and as I now WFH i'm obviously doing a lot more than I used when I was in office. Washing everyday, cleaning, built the wardrobes that arrived, cleared our bedroom out etc. every night I've been having dinner on my own as partner doesn't get back till 7:30 and I can't wait that long. I've asked him to give up golf next weekend to do a tip run and asked him to sort his draws etc out as they're full of crap he doesn't need. We've had a huge argument about this as I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 10/02/2023 10:56

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 10:17

@Laurdo that is somewhat different though to having a partner that by the sounds of it does nothing in the house and refuses to do absolutely any of the bigger jobs and expecting their partner to just do it if they want it done.

Yeah absolutely. The issue is him not pulling his weight at home, not the gym. There is no reason why he can't continue to go to the gym but also do more in the house. OP is blaming his gym going when that's not the issue.

It sounds like OP resents the fact that her BF has hobbies so is blaming that instead of addressing the real issue here. The BF of course needs to up his game when it comes to household tasks and OP perhaps would have had a better response by bringing this up with her BF rather than telling him he shouldn't golf at the weekend.

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 11:09

@Laurdo one possible solution is to write the jobs and chores that need doing when they need to get done and then divided. He can fit his jobs around his schedule she agrees to not nag as long as the job gets done etc

BettyGreen92 · 10/02/2023 11:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Laurdo · 10/02/2023 11:34

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 11:09

@Laurdo one possible solution is to write the jobs and chores that need doing when they need to get done and then divided. He can fit his jobs around his schedule she agrees to not nag as long as the job gets done etc

Good idea. I used to argue that a grown man shouldn't need someone to list out what needs done in the house but in reality some men need it pointed out.

Like my husband would see there's a duvet cover on the duvet so see no issue whereas I would know that duvet cover has been on for over a week and needs washed.

People also have different standards and ideals. Maybe someone is happy to leave the kitchen a mess and just do a big clean up before bed whereas I like to tidy as I go because making dinner when there's stuff everywhere is a pain.

Some people leave all the housework until the weekend, some people prefer to keep on top of it during the week so their weekends are free.

They need to sit down as adults and discuss expectations and plan who does what.

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 11:43

@Laurdo not a man but I did actually find it massively helpful too. it also means we are all aware what the other one is doing and that it is a fair split. Not fair that it is 50-50 but also taking work and other things into consideration

Marmalade71 · 10/02/2023 11:45

It sounds like you're not really compatible - lots of people go to the gym everyday and arriving home at 7.30pm is not super late. Now the way he responded to you may have been out of order but tbh I would give short shrift to my partner telling me when I could or couldn't go to the gym, unless there were children in the household

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 11:53

If my husband asked me to cancel a planned golf day with friends to do a tip run I would think he was being very odd.

If you don't have children, there's no reason he should miss the gym or any hobby.

Have a snack at 5:30 and then dinner at 7:30, lots of people don't eat until then. Better yet- make your own plans and get your own hobbies, socialising or exercise done after work.

Have a talk about splitting the chores more fairly, but no one is forcing you to do them. If he's home at 7:30 he can surely fold the laundry and wash the dishes in the evening with plenty of time to spare.

I think you sound lonely WFH, do you have your own things to keep you busy?

I agree with PPs though- if you're planning children make it very clear before trying to get pregnant that he won't be going to the gym every night if he's a dad and that you will expect equal leisure time and time away from the baby as he has.

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 11:55

Also if they are his drawers- what's it to you if they are full of 'crap he doesn't need'?

If my DH told me to stay home until I cleared out MY drawers to his standards I'd get pretty cross as well.

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 12:18

@StarsSand could potentially be an issue if it means there is no room to tidy other things that are his away so that it is hard to keep the house tidy or have his clutter all over the table etc or his clothes are taking over the floor etc

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 12:29

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 12:18

@StarsSand could potentially be an issue if it means there is no room to tidy other things that are his away so that it is hard to keep the house tidy or have his clutter all over the table etc or his clothes are taking over the floor etc

I guess but even so. If my husbands drawers were so full I couldn't put his clothes away I'd leave them on top in a pile for him to deal with. That's kind of his problem to solve, im not his mother.

If there was stuff on the table or in any shared space then, yes, tell him to sort it. But if he wants to keep his own stuff in his own drawers, why does it matter if OP thinks it's crap that could go? Im sure my DH thinks a lot of my possessions are crap but I still like them and want them around.

How messy could a house with just two adults be, especially if one is out most of the day?

Cosyblankets · 10/02/2023 12:43

If his drawers are full of crap that's up to him.
Why are you washing every day? There are two of you how much washing can you create? What are you cleaning? He's out all day so there's only you there.
Sounds like you're not occupied enough and you're resenting him being busy

YDBear · 10/02/2023 13:33

Dunno why you can’t “wait that long” to have dinner at 7:30, it’s a perfectly natural time for dinner, especially if you don’t have kids.
On the other hand, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be doing the spare room since he has the time and you do the regular housework. Obviously his vanity and narcissism about his fitness is greater than his commitment to your family life. This is a guy who will always put his enthusiasm of the day before you; if it’s not the gym it will be something else. Consider yourself lucky you found out now before having kids. Time to move on.

bonzaitree · 10/02/2023 14:46

YDBear · 10/02/2023 13:33

Dunno why you can’t “wait that long” to have dinner at 7:30, it’s a perfectly natural time for dinner, especially if you don’t have kids.
On the other hand, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be doing the spare room since he has the time and you do the regular housework. Obviously his vanity and narcissism about his fitness is greater than his commitment to your family life. This is a guy who will always put his enthusiasm of the day before you; if it’s not the gym it will be something else. Consider yourself lucky you found out now before having kids. Time to move on.

I don’t see why going to the gym= narcissism and vanity…

Surely the reason most people participate in fitness is to keep healthy mentally and physically, for enjoyment and to prevent illness later in life?

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 16:57

@bonzaitree because I think most people who are active and healthy once living with someone try to find a schedule to do it in that works for everyone.

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 21:35

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 16:57

@bonzaitree because I think most people who are active and healthy once living with someone try to find a schedule to do it in that works for everyone.

Why should he change his workout routine to accomodate her wish to have dinner before 7:30pm? Or to inexplicably do daily laundry in the evening even though only two adults live there and one of them is home all day.

Lots of people exercise every day. He's home by 7:30pm, it's not like he never sees her.

OP should join him at the gym or get hobbies of her own.

If they had children it's a different story, but they don't and should both be enjoying their freedom. Not rushing home to eat dinner in daylight and polish the skirting boards or whatever daily chores she's managed to find.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2023 21:42

SlashBeef · 09/02/2023 16:16

Honestly don't see a problem with him going to the gym 4/5 times a week, especially if there's no children to do bedtimes with etc.
Maybe you could have more going on hobbies wise for yourself so you're not at home waiting around for him?

Don't people want to come home to their partners as well as their children?

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2023 21:44

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 21:35

Why should he change his workout routine to accomodate her wish to have dinner before 7:30pm? Or to inexplicably do daily laundry in the evening even though only two adults live there and one of them is home all day.

Lots of people exercise every day. He's home by 7:30pm, it's not like he never sees her.

OP should join him at the gym or get hobbies of her own.

If they had children it's a different story, but they don't and should both be enjoying their freedom. Not rushing home to eat dinner in daylight and polish the skirting boards or whatever daily chores she's managed to find.

Show quote history

Don't know why they're living together with some of the answers on here

Bet they saw more of each other when dating

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 21:46

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2023 21:42

Don't people want to come home to their partners as well as their children?

Show quote history

This is what l think.

What’s the point being in a relationship if you hardly ever see your partner and can’t be bothered to want to get home to them at a sensible time a few days a week?

l know no one who gets home at 7:30, eats dinner at 7:30 and goes to the gym every night. No one.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 21:48

And l don’t think it’s ‘controlling’ to be pissed off that you are second best to the gym. You obviously want to see him, why can’t he prioritise you some of the time.

I’d have ended this relationship. If I’m in one l want to see my partner and not come second to his gym obsession.

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 21:56

@StarsSand trust me no one likes to do these daily chores but they need to get done. I would love to have the energy and time to do my hobbies. unfortunately as an adult I realise daily chores and life take priority. sounds like OPs partner is more then happy to basically let his partner do all the chores and cleaning while all his free time is for leisure.

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 21:59

She said he goes 4/5 evenings a week and is home by 7:30.

So it's not every day, and even then he is home by 7:30! What time is she going to bed? They would spend hours together every evening.

Presumably they then spend the weekends together.

A lot of city workers never get home before 7:30.

It's bizarre to run home at 5pm every day to spend time with a spouse who can look after themselves.

Jennybeans401 · 10/02/2023 22:01

It's the sort of lifestyle I had in my twenties but it's not sustainable with children. You need to talk to him, will he expect to continue this way with children? You will be left with all responsibilities and I would walk away if he still insisted on the gym routine so frequently.

I have a disabled ds, a dd with autism and a younger dd. I wish I had a partner to share the financial and emotional stress. I would think very carefully if I were you.

StarsSand · 10/02/2023 22:02

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 21:56

@StarsSand trust me no one likes to do these daily chores but they need to get done. I would love to have the energy and time to do my hobbies. unfortunately as an adult I realise daily chores and life take priority. sounds like OPs partner is more then happy to basically let his partner do all the chores and cleaning while all his free time is for leisure.

The chores are a separate matter. He should be doing half the chores.

He has plenty of time after 7:30 on gym nights, or right after work on the day he comes straight home, or on the weekend or in the morning.

But it's two adults, how many hours of chores can there be a day?

I don't think she can blame the gym for it. If she chooses to spend his gym time doing his half of the chores then she should stop, leave them for him to do at 7:30, and attend to interests of her own.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/02/2023 22:04

7.30 is a completely normal time to get home. Many, many people don't get home from work until that time.

the fact he can work, gym and be home for 7.30.shows hes very efficient

motherofqilins · 10/02/2023 22:04

@StarsSand I am sorry but if I did all the cleaning, all the laundry, built a wardrobe all on my own as my partner is never there and I asked for one tiny favour of just for one weekend to go to the tip instead of swanning off to his hobby like he does every weekend I would be bloody livid too.

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