Fed up with partner choosing the gym

[unsurerightno]

NC for post. Been with partner 4 years. Love together for two. Trying to get the spare room decorated and furniture built. The last month partner has been to the gym 4/5 times a week and as I now WFH i'm obviously doing a lot more than I used when I was in office. Washing everyday, cleaning, built the wardrobes that arrived, cleared our bedroom out etc. every night I've been having dinner on my own as partner doesn't get back till 7:30 and I can't wait that long. I've asked him to give up golf next weekend to do a tip run and asked him to sort his draws etc out as they're full of crap he doesn't need. We've had a huge argument about this as I'm fed up of almost being second best and waiting around for him to be free.

Sounds like he's having an affair if he is spending that much time away from you. NO ONE, not even gym junkies go that many times

Tbf I went regularly on may leave & surprisingly some people spend all day in the gym, everyday!

We have 2 young children - toddler and baby. Tbh, I find that I’m a better mother / partner / life admin person when I’ve worked out so I prioritise that in my day. My mood gets a bit low if I have a few days of lazing around / not exercising, even if that’s just a long dog walk. If I leave it until later in the day then I don’t do it as life takes over so getting up early is worth it.

my husband says that for him, exercise isn’t self care or a treat or down time or anything, it should be essential in our day if we want to do it. So we make time.

have a lie in at the weekend and that works just fine for me!

@ShirleyPhallus so do you work out at home in the morning? I don't find that half as fun as a class.

Exactly!! Some people go TWICE a day actually. Most of my friends and I go 4-5 times a week but I've actually cut down as I used to go 13 days out of every 14.

Can't believe someone thinks this means he must be having an affair. Utter mad paranoia!

@ShirleyPhallus I assume you're not working with a baby though?

Yeah, I do weight training at home 4x a week then do a spin class at the weekend

Well DH wants a home office/gym in the garden so I might be able to exercise more one day!

I wouldn’t change my exercise routine for a partner if there are no children at home tbh. I also wouldn’t be doing everything at home.

Same here.

I'd find a partner trying to dictate things fundamental to my physical health more intrusive than them dictating what haircut I should have etc.

However, he needs to pull his weight even if it mean sacrificing his remaining free time. I manage 4x gym sessions a week at 90 mins each alongside often working 12hr days.

Just to say I’m another poster who thinks a 7:30 dinner is too late. I wouldn’t want to be doing any life admin work in the evening after that!! I’m an early riser/early to bed and get tired in evenings after the usual drudge of cooking, dishes and bedtimes!

I’m seriously surprised to read people saying they eat earlier than 1930 - I honestly don’t know anyone who does. For those that do - have you always? I couldn’t imagine eating a main meal that early!

Can't you just crack on and eat your dinner earlier, OP? Plenty of couples who work differing shifts don't eat together.

I'd not want to sacrifice my health and compromise mental wellbeing/self image just to eat an hour earlier tbh. It's an integral part of who I am so anybody who couldn't live with that wouldn't be the right person for me.

I think YABU - there's nothing wrong with going to the gym every evening and your partner doesn't have to give up his golf to do a tip run, but by making ultimatums you're coming across as controlling.

You're "waiting around for him to be free" out of choice. It's perfectly normal for someone who enjoys the gym to go daily after work, and even if it wasn't the gym when you account for commuting and then doing an odd errand on the way home or a club/hobby then it's not unreasonable or unusual for someone to be getting home at 6:30/7pm and eating dinner at 7;30pm. You either need to have a snack earlier on so you can eat later with your partner or accept that you're not going to eat together every day.

Decorating a spare room, including building furniture, is something you either do as and when you have a bit of free time or you block out a weekend to get it all done in one go. Clearly your partner doesn't see it as the priority you do as he's happy to let the jobs wait, which isn't wrong it's just different. Similarly with his drawers - if they're his drawers and his stuff then he can keep whatever he likes and he doesn't have to sort them out because you want him to, you're not his mum telling off a belligerent teenager to tidy his room!

It seems like you WFH has meant that you're taking on more of the house admin but was that a mutual decision or have you just taken it upon yourself and are now holding that against your partner? There is going to be a natural redistribution of household tasks when someone is WFH as obviously you are able to do more just because you're in the house as opposed to being in the office (eg putting laundry on first thing then hanging it out at lunch so it's ready to be folded and put away by the evening as opposed to putting it on first thing and hanging it out in the evening when you get home so it's not dry till the morning) but that doesn't mean you're obliged to do them.

You could easily do your work day, have some free time to relax until 7:30, have dinner together then both do some housework in the evening

Why are you trying to nest and make a lovely home for a man who isn’t interested?

It’s hardly that outrageous, is it?

During the week, we eat around 6-6.30 because we eat together as a family, and the kids often have sport and other activities in the evenings. 🤷🏻‍♀️

When entertaining, or even just is at the weekend, it’s later.

Different people do things differently shocker.

You're upset that your partner is keeping fit / active?

YABVU

@melj1213 you might have a point there. maybe the only way for the husband to get the point he needs to start pulling his weight is to just let the jobs sit and wait until he does them. not nag him but make sure he is inconvenienced by the jobs not getting done. his laundry not washed, flat pack boxes for the furniture in a space that causes him the hassle rather then OP. maybe then he will see why these unimportant tasks are infact important for the household.

To be honest if someone is WFH and the other one isn't I would expect them to pick up the lions share of the housework. When h started WFH at the beginning of lockdown and I was out I expected him to put laundry on, keep the kitchen tidy and cook tea most evenings. He had no commute and it's easy to do small jobs like that in between working. The "but I'm working too" doesn't wash. When I worked part time and a lot more locally than him I did most of it. Sorting out a wash load especially when you don't have DC is not a big job. I wouldn't want to give up precious weekend time to do "jobs" on a regular basis either. If H finishes at 4 due to WFH and I didn't get in until 6.30 the tip run would be his job.

To be honest his world became very small and he became fixated on the house due to WFH and it became irritating. I often leave at 7 and get in at 7 and used to spend a lot of time driving in my role. To have him then pecking my head about house stuff did my head in. He did a 9-4 most days so had 5 hours more free time than me.

@Courgeon problem is these jobs do need to get done at some point. or are you suggesting that these jobs never get done or take over a year and expect the person who does work from home to either do it themselves or suck it up no matter if it reduces their quality of life?

4/5 times a week is a pretty standard frequency for going to the gym, not excessive imo. I do 5/6 with running on top
of that, but I go very early or at lunchtime during the week to minimise the impact on family time.

I would ask them if they can look at changing the time they go for a couple of sessions so they can get these tasks completed. I wouldn’t expect them to reduce they gym time.

Move out.

Like I say when I worked 3 days a week esp once kids started school and on the 3 days I did work I was only a 15 minute drive from the office I did most stuff. H worked full time over an hour's commute away. I still had loads more time than him. Now it's reversed he does the majority. Sometimes he needs a nudge as he subscribed to the "but I'm still working" when WFH with a tonne of flexibility and loads more time than me. Swings and roundabouts. Occasionally booking out a weekend day to do big jobs is ok but I'd be pretty pissed off if a partner with loads more time than me deliberately didn't do it in the interests of "fairness".

I go to the gym every evening after work and I am usually not home before 8 and I will cook then. I wouldn’t want to build furniture on a weekday. can you not do these things at the weekend? Maybe you can get yourself a gym membership. It’s more fun and better for you than clearing crap out of drawers!

My mum's advice to me when I was younger was to never marry a man with a hobby! This was because of my dad - but from what you have written he was much worse than your dp (he was an artist with a day job, so spent most of his free time painting and also played tennis a lot - we didn't see him much).

This. My DH leaves the house at 6.30am and doesn't get home until 4.30pm. I WFH 9-5. We have kids so while they're having breakfast in the morning I put a wash on and empty the dishwasher from the night before. Takes 10 minutes. I'll tidy wee bits and bobs during the day, make the bed, clean the kitchen once I've made lunch etc. Later on while I'm cooking dinner he'll hang the washing up. We both do our bit in the evening with any other household tasks needing done in and around our hobbies and childcare.

@Laurdo that is somewhat different though to having a partner that by the sounds of it does nothing in the house and refuses to do absolutely any of the bigger jobs and expecting their partner to just do it if they want it done.