To feel unsafe as a woman nearly all the time

[mammatilly]

I feel unsafe walking in rural areas
I feel unsafe walking at dusk/night
I feel unsafe home alone
I feel unsafe driving alone
I feel unsafe around male police officers
I feel unsafe around men

Our justice system is completely failing women in rape and domestic violence cases and is giving green light to men who wish to act violently

This patriarchal society is creating an Afghanistan style life for many women

Nope. I feel the opposite. I feel safe nearly all the time. I walk home at night if I want to and don't feel scared.

Thank you wonderful mumsnetters for all your responses-you are amazing people.

This patriarchal society is creating an Afghanistan style life for many women

No it is nothing like Afghanistan. I’ve seen it under the old Taliban. 22yr old mothers being forced to marry off their 11yr old daughters to 50+ Yr old men as 3rd, 4th wives. Essentially to be kept as house & sex slaves. “Honour murders” for minor infringements including showing a bit of wrist or ankle, or daring to ask to learn to read, or trying to run away home because you’re 13 and terrified the next beating will kill you. I don’t think the new Taliban are much different.

Men in our society are at 3x the risk of women of being murdered by anyone else. Children are at 2x the risk of being murdered than women. We are literally the safest demographic.

I agree you need to see a therapist because the media reports are giving you a level of anxiety far beyond what is reasonable.

Don't make up rules for me about what I'm suffering, thanks.

I have never got a taxi driver to drop me at the end of the road. Seriously - people do that?

And of course I would feel anxious if a police officer asked me to wait in the back of his car while he looked up my details, but that's not what they do.

Op I agree with everything you say here. But I think you may need to pick your audience. You'd get a better response in FWR.

I have never got a taxi driver to drop me at the end of the road. Seriously - people do that?

Yes - mainly safety but also because it's easier for the taxi to turn around. That's my personal rule, I'm not saying everyone should be doing it.

OTOH I happily open the front door even if I'm not expecting someone 😄

@FrostyPalms I can confirm it is what they do or at least they did. When it happened to me the policeman said it was safer than waiting at the side of the road.

It was a late night, 2am or something, I was about 21 I'd gone to pick up my parents and auntie and uncle who had been on a night out. I was completely sober, literally wearing my PJ's as I'd come from bed. Was unsure of where I was driving because it was a different town so probably looked a little bit hesitant/slow. He pulled me over said he was worried I was drunk which I can understand, told me to sit in the back of his car and if I didn't he would arrest me. I was young. It was well before anything to do with Wayne cousins or Carrick and I did what he said but I certainly didn't feel safe doing it.

She can give it a try but even with FWR mindset I’d struggle with op using Afghanistan women and this level of self imposed loss of freedoms

You are exaggerating and catastrophising a very small risk. Maybe you need to get out more and confront your fears.

Sadly they don't surprise me. And if some people find the comparisons with Afghanistan offensive, I find equally offensive the suggestion that OP is overly anxious and should seek help for her mental health.

Patronising, dismissive, and unworthy of a women's so-called 'support' site - but sadly this is the overarching tone of the place these days.

I don't live in constant fear. I'm not afraid driving alone - I feel a sight safer in my own car than on public transport. Trains are a place I currently feel very unsafe in. I've been circled like a shark in a lonely station - to a point where the conductor came out and watched where the bloke was going. I've been filmed and photographed by a man sitting opposite me in a table seat. I've been shoved up against on the tube when there was no reason for doing so, and had to yell at the guy doing the shoving to get his hands off my bag. I've been accosted by drunk men on trains. I will actively avoid the railways if I have an alternative option. If I don't, then I no longer take a table seat.

I risk-assess. I avoid lonely places at night. I vary my running routes as I have been heckled and shouted at on more than one occasion. I'm not afraid of men but feel uneasy if it seems I'm being followed.

I've been raped twice. Stalked twice. Sexually harassed in my workplace. Groped and cat-called in the street. It bothers me that rape is de facto legal, that washrooms and lavatories are now pretty much open-season to potentially predatory men, and that women these days are being viewed as nothing more than collateral damage. This is made worse when those attitudes are aided and abetted by other women.

Women very, very often dismiss other women's fears and will actively harangue them when they express these. It frequently happens on this very site. We are simply not doing enough to appease men. It's our own fault they attack us, we must have brought it upon ourselves in some way. God forbid we place the blame on the men responsible.

We are constantly told NAMALT (the world's biggest straw man and totally irrelevant). It's not much comfort that NAMALT, when the M who is LT happens to be your rapist.

I don't think you are scared in these situations I just think you hate men and wanted an opportunity to bash them

If we feel unsafe in any one of the situations I list
we are restricted
we are settling....
we are suffering under the patriarchy

Many men would also feel unsafe in some of the situations you list, so are they also restricted, settling and suffering under the patriarchy?

Maybe you should accept that not everyone feels the way you do.

Did anything happen to you in the car? Or were you details checked and you went along your way?

I think this is more on you than general society
I live in a busy city centre, I do not feel unsafe. I use common sense and do not actively put myself into situations that some may feel unsafe but I do walk alone in the dark, I don't assume all men are out to get me

Maybe you need to talk to somebody to control your fears?

I live in a busy city centre, I do not feel unsafe.

I probably wouldn’t feel unsafe living in a busy city centre. There are lots of people around, after all.

When I lived a 20 minute walk from the city centre, though, walking home in pretty deserted areas after a night out was a pretty scary experience. I was mugged once, sexually assaulted once, and followed by weirdos on several occasions. It was man each time, which I’m sure some on here would say was entirely a coincidence. Also each time, I had someone (usually my mother) tell me it was my own fault for being stupid enough to walk home on my own after dark. I learnt to drive and never walk alone after dark now.

I've been in all those situations working in the Middle East (where although I had no problems I was aware women were second class citizens) and felt safe. I definitely don't feel unsafe in the UK except very rare situations.

I feel sorry for you OP that you seem to go through life feeling under attack. I sometimes feel unsafe - alone, late at night, in an unfamiliar place - but to feel unsafe when in your own home? When driving alone in your own car? What - all the time? That must be exhausting. I suggest you get some help for your anxiety.

But being attacked by a stranger is extremely rare! You are more in danger from men you date.

I definitely don’t walk in dark secluded areas at night but mostly because I am afraid of being mugged by feral youths for my phone and bike.

The truth is that lots of women like to do performative nonsense around taxi drivers but have no hesitation in parading a new boyfriend around their children or getting pregnant with men they barely know.

somehow no one is ever afraid enough of men to spend more than 5 minutes single!!!!!

Cowering in fear of men does not sound like rising up to me.

I can relate.

I speak about this often with my male partner. He's a very slight, non-macho man. He says he rarely feels unsafe.

I wonder if those of us on this thread who feel like this, have already had some of the things we fear happen?

somehow no one is ever afraid enough of men to spend more than 5 minutes single!!!!!

Yup.

OP I know I mentioned this earlier, but please consider taking up martial arts classes.

As I also mentioned, I am a fear which is similar to yours in someways and mine is trauma-based so I am able to recognise it for what it is. I've had several unpleasant minor encounters with random men and one horrific encounter that went all the way to Crown Court. Almost all encounters happened when I was walking alone somewhere, so now when I am walking alone I am more heightened and worried that it might happen again. This is a rational reaction to my situation and previous experience but it is not a healthy one and one that I am learning to manage and work past - have you had any specific cause for the fear you feel or is it more of a general wariness?

I go to an "all female" kickboxing class to build up strength, technique and confidence. The fact that I now have defined muscles when I stand in front of the mirror, the knowledge that I can throw and land a very solid punch/kick/elbow/headbutt if needed and the fact that I am much stronger and fitter before gives me the confidence that I didn't have before. I've never once needed to use my new-found strength and skills, but the fact I have them are like a secret weapon for me. It's like walking along with a rottweiler or a knife in my pocket - I have a something that can protect me that I didn't have before. I look small, I'm slim and short, but I feel powerful and can be powerful now I am trained. I now don't have the same fear I used to and I've found kickboxing to be more effective than the therapy I have.

I shouldn't have to do this to feel safe, obviously, but it works for me. It's also a great way to improve your overall physical and mental health.

The truth is that lots of women like to do performative nonsense around taxi drivers but have no hesitation in parading a new boyfriend around their children or getting pregnant with men they barely know

If that's directed at me it's both untrue and deeply offensive, and if it's the experience of women you know I hope they realise what a judgemental arse you are directing their way and they get a better friend.

I'm so sorry you think the taxis is 'performative nonsense.' Actually I'm lying - I don't give a fuck what you think.

The strawmen brigade have arrived…🙄