To feel unsafe as a woman nearly all the time

[mammatilly]

I feel unsafe walking in rural areas
I feel unsafe walking at dusk/night
I feel unsafe home alone
I feel unsafe driving alone
I feel unsafe around male police officers
I feel unsafe around men

Our justice system is completely failing women in rape and domestic violence cases and is giving green light to men who wish to act violently

This patriarchal society is creating an Afghanistan style life for many women

somehow no one is ever afraid enough of men to spend more than 5 minutes single!!!!!

30 years and counting, but hoick those ignorant judgy pants any higher and they'll disappear up your gusset.

Yes, you are. CBT is very good for dealing with this kind of anxiety and fear. Any talking therapy will help you put things in perspective so that you can get on with your life in a more normal manner.
A friend had soem as she has a habit of doom scrolling. Worrying about the end of the world, nuclear war, extinction etc and it was controlling her day to day life.

So whilst I don't feel anxious in everyday situations I will say there have been certain situations where I've felt scared and a man wouldn't.

So many years ago when I had a baby and a toddler...DH was out for the evening. It was about 11pm and I was watching TV, just about to go to bed when there was a knock at the door. My heart absolutely jumped out of my body...it gave me a big shock. We had an intercom and I looked through the spyhole and saw a man outside. I didn't open the door and I spoke to him through the intercom. He gave me a long sob story but he was basically begging door to door. I told him I didn't have any money and he walked off. It honestly took me a good twenty minutes for my heart rate to slow. I did feel really scared. I told DH when he got home and he asked me why I didn't tell him to fuck off?! He couldn't seem to comprehend why I would be cautious about potentially making the man angry.

I feel safe doing all those things.

I would say it’s that for me it’s less about feeling safe/unsafe versus the constant awareness of men’s behaviours.

Knowing the percentages doesn’t help. My commuting train is about 80% men in the morning. Of those a certain number will be abusers, a certain number will be having sex with prostitutes, a high percentage will regularly be wanting off to watching women get abused. I think knowledge about male abusers is the worst because often they present the loveliest and friendliest face to the outside world.

The high percentage of men exhibiting such abhorrent behaviours means that a lot of women find it easier to think most men are good, when statistically, the truth is the vast majority of them are not.

m The men in Afghanistan are no different to the men in the U.K., it’s just that their behaviour is legal.

I hear you. I've actually been quite depressed for the past couple of days due to the met officer rapist etc . I used to love running outdoors but now run on a treadmill, which just isn't the same.

@Ihateboris

That's insane.

Where do you live that there is no safe outdoor running route for you?

We've always suffered under the patriarchy. I think that in this country at least we are suffering rather less than say 150 years ago (vote, jobs, ability to have mortgages and bank accounts) and there's been progress in my lifetime. This is not to diminish the very real issues that still exist.

However, comparison with the situation of the women of Afghanistan is self indulgent and crass.

I don't feel unsafe in any of those scenarios you've listed. I'm not necessarily saying you're unreasonable but I just can't relate.

I have no idea of your relationship status but I stand by the fact that most women’s “fear of men” on mumsnet and in real life is completely performative and self serving.

Women in Afghanistan are actually willing to protest and march and risk real harm for their own freedoms and safety. They are risking death to just go to school.

Women in Japan, China and Korea are actually forgoing marriage and children rather than be beholden to men. So much so that the Chinese government had to set up campaigns stigmatising singleness to try to force them (didn’t work).

American women are crossing state lines under threat of prosecution to have abortions rather than be trapped into unwanted pregnancy.

on mumsnet, no one is willing to do the real things to protect themselves from men like actually PLAN their family, gain some financial independence or even accept temporary (!!!) singleness but they’ll pull out their smelling salts for an Uber driver 🙄

I agree. I am an estate agent and frequently meet with men in their homes to value their properties and occasionally meet them alone to view derelict houses etc. I can’t ever say I feel comfortable in doing this.
I am always hyper aware of their body language and I always insist they walk up sets of stairs before me and not behind me - I obviously say ‘after you’ politely so as not to make them feel predatory.
My anxiety around this is to the point where I don’t think I want to do this job anymore. I feel vulnerable every time.

How you’re feeling isn’t “normal” and I’d consider therapy. Yes bad things happen but your reaction seems over the top as not all men are bad.

I agree that male violence is out of control and it's escalating and needs addressing but I think when you feel scared being alone in your home or your car, then it's crossed over into an anxiety condition that you need some help for.

I felt somewhat scared recently walking back to my hotel alone early hours of the morning after a night out in a city I don't know very well when there were gangs of men on bikes, doing drug deals etc in the areas where I had to walk through. Nothing happened but it was intimidating. I feel a bit scared sometimes around groups of drunk men on the train etc. I wouldn't feel scared in the other scenarios you mentioned.

No I feel safe most of the time. Rarely feel unsafe.

I'm able to do lots of things that the poor women in Afghanistan are not able to.

You sound very anxious.

It wouldn't occur to me to feel unsafe alone in my own house, or driving my car. I walk home alone from the local pub (admittedly it's a well lit route). I certainly don't go out virtually expecting to be attacked , as it seems you do.

Whether they've performed violent acts towards women or not?

Although women are at more danger from men they know men are actually more likely to be randomly attacked by a stranger.

I’m currently on a 4 week mostly solo holiday and there have only been three instances where I felt unsafe. One was at Gare Du Nord station in Paris when I arrived after dark, one was at night on the Paris metro where there was a seemingly mentally unwell man standing in the walkway between stations just yelling and screaming for no apparent reason and the other was around Milan train station at night. Other than that I’ve felt safe pretty much everywhere although keeping my wits about me. Fir scammers and pickpockets as much as anything else.

on mumsnet, no one is willing to do the real things to protect themselves from men like actually PLAN their family, gain some financial independence or even accept temporary (!!!) singleness but they’ll pull out their smelling salts for an Uber driver 🙄

What a weird generalisation.

Absolutely. I live on my own and wouldn't ever order a takeaway if I felt like that. It's never occurred to me to feel that level of fear.

I believe misogyny is actively dangerous and all men are influenced by it to varying degrees, some may be dangerous, yes. The justice system does fail female sexual assault and domestic violence victims and society is not built for women to be truly equal to men. But no, on a day to day basis I don't feel like this. I do make decisions with safety in mind (e.g. not walking through a park at night) but I don't go about my daily life with this level of fear

I agree with most of this.

YABU. That's really not a healthy or normal attitude at all, you sound overly anxious.
Afghanistan? Really?!
Not my experience at all and I refuse to curtail my life by being scared, I'll continue to enjoy going for walks by myself etc for example

I can’t say I do actually. To say i feel unsafe ‘nearly all of the time’ would play into the media hype that nearly all men are sexual predators or killers. In fact, most men I’ve ever met are lovely and respect women. It’s the Wayne Couzens of this world who give every other man a bad name.

It's not untrue though. Women and children are most at risk from men we know yet we choose to live with them.

I feel very safe living with my DH and teenage DS.

All men benefit from misogyny in varying degrees. The hood guys need the bad guys to look good. Don’t let these bastards ruin your life. Talk to a counsellor (I have one) Surround yourself with strong and kind women.