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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unsafe as a woman nearly all the time

280 replies

mammatilly · 09/02/2023 13:54

I feel unsafe walking in rural areas
I feel unsafe walking at dusk/night
I feel unsafe home alone
I feel unsafe driving alone
I feel unsafe around male police officers
I feel unsafe around men

Our justice system is completely failing women in rape and domestic violence cases and is giving green light to men who wish to act violently

This patriarchal society is creating an Afghanistan style life for many women

OP posts:
2bazookas · 09/02/2023 14:30

This patriarchal society is creating an Afghanistan style life for many women

Don't you dare insult women in Afghanistan, and what they endure, by pretending we in the west are in remotely similat circumstances.

"To feel unsafe as a woman nearly all the time"

That suggests some mental/ emotional disorder in yourself.

If you believe your phobias are shared by all women in this society, that delusion further indicates some mental pr emotional disorder in you.

It's certainly not my experience, or that of any women I know.

mamabear715 · 09/02/2023 14:31

I don't recognise the picture of society that you paint, & feel very sorry that's how you see life.. I think (in a nice way) you should try hypnotherapy or similar? Obviously there ARE bad apples but on the while, I think people are lovely.

Original poster
mammatilly · 09/02/2023 14:31

Women all over the world are oppressed to greater or lesser degrees

OP posts:
FrostyPalms · 09/02/2023 14:34

mammatilly · 09/02/2023 14:31

Women all over the world are oppressed to greater or lesser degrees

That's true. I know that there is still a big pay gap between men and women in my country, although personally I have been fortunate never to work in a job where I got paid less than any similarly qualified man.

But that has nothing to do with feeling unsafe.

pointythings · 09/02/2023 14:35

mammatilly · 09/02/2023 14:31

Women all over the world are oppressed to greater or lesser degrees

So now (because we aren't falling over ourselves to agree with your OP) you are coming out with a platitude nobody rational could disagree with.

Yes, this is true. But it does not mean that all women in the UK live in constant fear all of the time, because the UK is among the safer places on the planet. Is it perfect? No. Do we need feminism and change? Yes. Should we all be constantly afraid? Hell no.

HinnyHoway · 09/02/2023 14:35

While I don’t feel unsafe just out and about, I am always “on edge” so to speak. Keep my wits about me, check my surroundings etc.

But I do agree that more needs to be done re: men’s violence. I hate the narrative of “isolated incidents” when women are murdered at the hands of men, male violence isn’t isolated it’s an endemic.

To feel unsafe as a woman nearly all the time
anya21 · 09/02/2023 14:36

Your feelings arenot normal. I think you need to see gp about your anxiety

GCAcademic · 09/02/2023 14:36

Those people saying the OP is unwell or overly concerned possibly aren't being honest with themselves about how much of their lives they amend their behaviour to avoid negative consequences from men

I agree. There’s a story in the news today that really brings home how horribly unsafe women are. A young woman was raped in a park in London. While the attack was taking place, another, unconnected man, appeared and asked if he could have a go. Then, when the first rapist had finished, he proceeded to rape her.

Bobshhh · 09/02/2023 14:37

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 14:11

Nope, can't relate and I find the comparison with women in Afghanistan to be insulting to those women. I'm not suggesting this society is perfect by any means - just look at the woeful level of convictions for rape - but women in Britain can live alone, go out for work and leisure, earn and keep their own money, drive and vote and are treated as equals under the law.

Totally this.

I cannot identify with any part of your message, how do you live your life being so scared?

Beezknees · 09/02/2023 14:37

I don't feel unsafe to that extent, so I think YABU a bit. I am single so if I spent my life being scared of being home alone I'd be in a state of perpetual fear!

I wouldn't walk home alone at night through an isolated park, but I don't feel unsafe walking home from work through my town at dusk. I don't feel unsafe around men in general.

MarshaBradyo · 09/02/2023 14:37

2bazookas · 09/02/2023 14:30

This patriarchal society is creating an Afghanistan style life for many women

Don't you dare insult women in Afghanistan, and what they endure, by pretending we in the west are in remotely similat circumstances.

"To feel unsafe as a woman nearly all the time"

That suggests some mental/ emotional disorder in yourself.

If you believe your phobias are shared by all women in this society, that delusion further indicates some mental pr emotional disorder in you.

It's certainly not my experience, or that of any women I know.

I find it insulting to women in Afghanistan too

If you really feel like this op, rather than just words on a thread, I hope any dc you have are managing ok

Sohappyrun · 09/02/2023 14:38

I don’t feel unsafe in any of the situations you describe..especially not home alone - why do you feel unsafe home alone?!

I would feel unsafe going for a run in the dark with my headphones in, and as I can’t run without music this restricts by running time to daytime in the winter which is annoying and inconvenient.

I would feel unsafe around SOME men..but most not

have to admit when I’m running during the day sometimes, in rural locations and I pass a lone man walking a dog or something I fleetingly feel unsafe - like thinking he could attack me if he wanted to…and calculating if I could outrun him 🤷‍♀️, but it’s only fleeting and not like I’m in a panic, maybe I’m too naive!

Flaunch · 09/02/2023 14:39

Well I guess yanbu if that’s how you feel, but I’m also a woman and never feel afraid.

It’s a shame for you really. Must be a horrible way to feel.

Applesandcarrots · 09/02/2023 14:39

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 14:29

I honestly get the same feeling when I lived in the UK. I think there are darker days , lots on the news etc.

Now I have moved away. I rarely feel like that. Often walking home by myself late at night I feel much safer. The UK isn't a nice place to be for a woman (or a man for that matter !)

Gotta admit uk does feel more unsafe than my Central European/EE native country (which I know some look down at a bit....).
Like drink spiking. The fuck?
We never thought twice of walking in dark etc. Still don't. Not saying nothing ever happens, of course it does and it's talked about but it still feels safer?
Though even in here I generally don't feel unsafe, it has it's wtf moments

Beezknees · 09/02/2023 14:41

RollerGirl7 · 09/02/2023 14:29

I was in a sauna the other way a few ppl left so it was just me and then a man walked in. I immediately regretted not sitting closer to the emergency call button. Maybe I'm paranoid and I think the media has caused some of that but. I'd rather a healthy sense of paranoia rather than live in a society where we pretend men don't pose a real risk to women.

Yes NAMALT but enough that it's an issue and enough that 1/3 women by university age will have been raped or seriously sexually assaulted.

I feel unsafe around drunk men, if they come on to me in a bar I worry that if I'm not 'nice' when I turn them down they'll get aggressive.

I feel unsafe ordering a takeaway in the house of I'm alone.

I would feel unsafe if a male police officer asked me to get in his car (which is standard practice if they pull you over)

If I argue with a man, there's definitely a fear things could get violent, which is something I don't worry about if I'm arguing with a woman

Those people saying the OP is unwell or overly concerned possibly aren't being honest with themselves about how much of their lives they amend their behaviour to avoid negative consequences from men

I don't amend my behaviour, I just don't feel unsafe in most of the situations you describe. I'm not afraid to argue with a man or be alone in a room with one. I'm certainly not afraid of ordering a takeaway when home alone.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 14:42

mammatilly · 09/02/2023 14:31

Women all over the world are oppressed to greater or lesser degrees

Most women are harmed by men they know, in their own homes. Your comparison to Afghanistan is unfortunate at best and shows you have NO idea what it is actually like to live in a society where women are oppressed. You shouldn’t make comparisons to the lives of women who aren’t allowed to leave their own home without a male and who are denied the right to work, education and free association. That completely undermines what you are trying to say as it makes you appear foolish.
I have been harmed by men as a child and adult and have dealt with horrendous situations in my professional life. I don’t feel afraid generally. Your reaction to the world around you is not normal. You should be aware of the danger posed by men but you seem preoccupied by it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2023 14:42

It must be utterly exhausting living in your head if that is genuinely how you feel.

You remind be of that Catherine Tate character who screams at everything.

Its really not normal and you should seek help.

AllOfThemWitches · 09/02/2023 14:43

I suspect this post was intended to whip up a load of anger towards men from scared women but I think most of us accept that certain situations are risky (often for both men and women, such as walking alone at night) but that we're unlikely to be attacked by unknown men. The evidence suggested we should be most wary when at home with our male partners.

I'd say that level of fear described in your OP is very extreme.

Forestwalks · 09/02/2023 14:43

In response to your opening post no I don’t feel unsafe in any of them situations.

I work in a very large industry where over 90% of the workers are men and not once in all the years I have worked in it have I ever felt unsafe.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/02/2023 14:44

I don't live in constant fear all the time but I am fearful some of the time in some circumstances.

But I feel positively gung ho after reading threads in which hordes of posters declare that they immediately lock the door behind themselves the moment they get home and chastise others for putting themselves at risk for not doing the same.

Either there are completely different cohorts of posters contributing or there is some cognitive dissonance between what women will admit to in terms of fear from male violence and the army of tactics they employ to keep themselves safe from it.

Comedycook · 09/02/2023 14:44

Do you live in a very quiet rural area op? I don't feel unsafe when I'm home alone and wondering why you do? But I live on a busyish road with loads of neighbours around and very secure doors and windows.

You said driving alone too? I'm unsure why that scares you?

jannier · 09/02/2023 14:44

Most people are decent most men are decent obviously for anyone some things are more risky activities than others but some things you list are very over the top. Are you normally anxious

booboo82 · 09/02/2023 14:45

mammatilly · 09/02/2023 14:22

Perhaps chemical castration could be an option - that might prove a deterrent for our menfolk

You need therapy ! Asap !

AllOfThemWitches · 09/02/2023 14:45

Although I'm not arguing with the fact that our justice system frequently fails victims of violence, especially victims of sexual assault.

SummerInSun · 09/02/2023 14:45

My husband, my father, my brother, my many male friends and colleagues - they are all good decent people who pose absolutely no danger to women, and in fact would step in one way or another if they saw a woman being threatened or harmed by another man. The vast, vast majority of men are like that.

Of men who are dangerous to women, they are almost all dangerous only to women they are in relationships with, sadly. Domestic violence is a massive problem and as a society we need to do more about it, but it shouldn't lead to you feeling fearful when you walk down the street.

You are far more likely to get hurt in a car accident than be attacked by a random man.