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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said she didn't have to go...

166 replies

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:08

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 08/02/2023 20:14

I don't think 8 year olds are mature enough to understand the commitment thing. From my experience of kids that age they change what they want to do every few weeks.

I would check out with her, when calm if anything has happened to cause this. If not then I would let her quit.

Original poster
Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:16

I think I'm so concerned by husbands reaction. He hasn't even given her a kiss goodnight and she has said Daddy doesn't like me

OP posts:
SettingPrecedents · 08/02/2023 20:18

I’d have let her miss it too if she was that wound up. Forcing the matter rarely works, whereas knowing that you can say no to something often makes it easier to do. You’re right that a club and a team are different things with different commitment required.

Your DH is acting like a dick.

Withnailandeye · 08/02/2023 20:20

Yeah your husband is a knobhead, that’s really shit behaviour.

UWhatNow · 08/02/2023 20:21

Blimey what an arsehole. She’s given it a go and that’s it. That’s fine. Especially when you’re 8. What he’s doing is controlling and nasty. Poor kid.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/02/2023 20:22

Is your dh always such a pita?

watchfulwishes · 08/02/2023 20:24

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:16

I think I'm so concerned by husbands reaction. He hasn't even given her a kiss goodnight and she has said Daddy doesn't like me

He is a shit for doing this.

Ireallywantsomechips · 08/02/2023 20:24

“Daddy doesn’t like me”

Breaks my heart! I’d be reading my husband the absolute riot act if I were you. Poor kid.

Ludo19 · 08/02/2023 20:28

She's 8. She'll try a few hobbies before she finds her niche.

Your husband is a complete wanker making her feel like he doesn't like her and that upset is not something she'll forget.

Dammitthisisshit · 08/02/2023 20:28

YANBU to let her skip training (my 8 year old plays so I do get the team thing but there’s no point pushing it). But I don’t understand why she was hysterical? By 8 she should be able to express a preference without being hysterical.

Notonthestairs · 08/02/2023 20:30

Stonewalling a child for not wanting to go to football practice is terrible behaviour. He's shown her that his support is conditional on her being compliant.

samqueens · 08/02/2023 20:55

Does your DH always take her to football? Have there been any incidents recently when they’ve been at club or to/from that either have mentioned?

If it’s a sudden change of heart about club then I would wonder that. And she seems to have been quite focused on his reaction, more than I’d imagine she would have been if in midst of meltdown. Is this common for him? Has she noted it before?

Maybe he unwittingly embarrassed her at a session? Or told her off about something? From a first read it seems as if the meltdown and her dad’s reaction are somehow linked to her. But I could be way off. Just a thought

lifeinthehills · 08/02/2023 21:11

If she's that hysterical about not wanting to go, I'd wonder if there is something going on that she isn't tell you. Bullying by another child or coach? Something else?

Tinkerbyebye · 08/02/2023 21:14

So basically you have two children, a 8 year old DD and a 2 year old man toddler

Always4Brenner · 08/02/2023 21:14

Dreadful behaviour from her dad I grew up in a house where you’ll be ignored for weeks if they didn’t like something you did.

anya21 · 08/02/2023 21:16

I think you should make her go up to the period you have paid up to. Also you and your DH should have presented a united front.
Your DH shouldnt be ignoring his child but he should be firm and tell ehr she is committed to x date. I do not believe in encouraging hysteria over trivial things and you are encouraging it by teaching her it gets her her own way

Original poster
Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 21:16

samqueens · 08/02/2023 20:55

Does your DH always take her to football? Have there been any incidents recently when they’ve been at club or to/from that either have mentioned?

If it’s a sudden change of heart about club then I would wonder that. And she seems to have been quite focused on his reaction, more than I’d imagine she would have been if in midst of meltdown. Is this common for him? Has she noted it before?

Maybe he unwittingly embarrassed her at a session? Or told her off about something? From a first read it seems as if the meltdown and her dad’s reaction are somehow linked to her. But I could be way off. Just a thought

Yes I did wonder if something has gone on. He has taken her for the last few weeks and she did ask me tonight who was taking her but I didn't think anything of it.

He has a history of behaving like this we me, will often give the silent treatment if I say/do something He doesn't agree with and then gets very defensive when I go to talk to him about it.

She wondered why Daddy hadn't given her a kiss goodnight so I did tell him she was upset he hadn't said goodnight. He then went up and gave her a punishment for shouting earlier!

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 21:17

Why was she hysterical?

Lkydfju · 08/02/2023 21:17

Your DHs reaction is really unfair and quite cruel; I would have had the same response as you. If she’s getting that upset clearly something is worrying her and it’s fair to say that she can’t be inconsistent but have that chat at a calmer moment.

samqueens · 08/02/2023 21:26

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 21:16

Yes I did wonder if something has gone on. He has taken her for the last few weeks and she did ask me tonight who was taking her but I didn't think anything of it.

He has a history of behaving like this we me, will often give the silent treatment if I say/do something He doesn't agree with and then gets very defensive when I go to talk to him about it.

She wondered why Daddy hadn't given her a kiss goodnight so I did tell him she was upset he hadn't said goodnight. He then went up and gave her a punishment for shouting earlier!

Show quote history

Poor things (both of you!) Yes that “who is taking me” question is such a light touch, so easy to speed past in the mix of an evening, but definitely would jump out to me now.

I’m really sorry. I think his behaviour is totally unacceptable and it probably isn’t good for her to see this being accepted, as it just normalises it for her. I’m normally all for singing off the same hymn sheet, but some behaviour goes beyond… Are you able to say you don’t think it’s he is behaving kindly, or would that be hard?

Really recommend reading a book called Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully most of it won’t reasonate with you, but this sulking/cold shoulder treatment is definitely mentioned. Might give you a bit of a new perspective. It’s easy to get “boiled frog” when you’re in a situation all the time.

Hope your DD is ok, and I’m sure she will be as long as she knows his behavior isn’t her fault or her problem. 💐

samqueens · 08/02/2023 21:30

Punishing safe expression of feelings in an 8yo also not ok…

I realise you know this OP. Just providing some back up in case you doubt your instincts!

samqueens · 08/02/2023 21:30

(And book can be downloaded on kindle app)

Kanaloa · 08/02/2023 21:32

She was probably hysterical because her dad is a bully so she felt very stressed. On one hand she didn’t want to go to football for whatever reason, on the other hand she was frightened that the big man of the house would bully her if she said what she wanted. So it all came out in a meltdown. Why do you let your husband bully her like that?

Kanaloa · 08/02/2023 21:33

Like I couldn’t imagine my husband being nasty and ignoring my child and withholding affection for not attending a club that is for the child’s own enjoyment, then punishing them when I said it had hurt the child’s feelings. But more than anything I couldn’t conceive of sitting by and being complicit in the bullying of my own child by allowing it.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 21:34

Is he trying to live vicariously through her or force her to like football because he does?