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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have said she didn't have to go...

166 replies

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:08

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

OP posts:
windyarse · 08/02/2023 21:35

Common thing for dickhead men to exert control over people 'weaker' than them.

He is a nasty, abusive prick and the sooner you get her away from him, the better.

Sucessinthenewyear · 08/02/2023 21:36

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. He has moved from abusing you to abusing his child.

I won’t let her give up on the actual night but I wouldn’t have forced a hysterical child to go to a club.

SomePosters · 08/02/2023 21:38

Id be more concerned about why the sudden turn around than forcing her to go

That and helping her build resilience to a bullying father.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 08/02/2023 21:39

Did the not wanting to go start since he's been taking her?

Has any other unusual behaviour started?

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2023 21:56

Abusive treatment. And he does this to you a lot? I would not want a child around him.

Original poster
Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 22:12

I have thought about leaving, the thing that stops me is that he would want 50/50 and I am not sure I could do that. Also think it's better I'm around if he is going to behave like this. Maybe I am wrong.
I think she isn't silly and maybe picking up on his behaviour towards me.

OP posts:
windyarse · 08/02/2023 22:16

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 22:12

I have thought about leaving, the thing that stops me is that he would want 50/50 and I am not sure I could do that. Also think it's better I'm around if he is going to behave like this. Maybe I am wrong.
I think she isn't silly and maybe picking up on his behaviour towards me.

Please don't make your child live with an abusive man.

windyarse · 08/02/2023 22:18

Also the best thing you can ever show her about his behaviour is that you will not tolerate it. You are making classic excuses, please seek help in real life to break free from this. He has got you exactly where he wants you. You can escape this

Kanaloa · 08/02/2023 22:19

What difference would 50/50 make? You’ve allowed him to abuse her tonight. He ignored her, refused affection, and punished her. At least if you split up she’d have one safe space free of abuse, rather the fearing or enduring it 100% of the time.

Original poster
Shouldigo90 · 09/02/2023 17:29

I am done! He didn't speak to her on school run this morning and only said bye to her outside her classroom.
I have told him how out of order it is to give your child the silent treatment for 24 hours. His response was 'oh you need to stop trying to make me look bad'
He said she would never have got away with missing training when we were due to leave that hour if it was up to him.
She is very upset that Dad hasn't spoken to her and has said she would rather carry on playing football and have her dad speak to her again!

OP posts:
Wat2do222 · 09/02/2023 17:34

If this is how he reacts to such an innocuous event how on earth is he going to navigate her teenage years? If this supposed to be her first example of a 'man' (read: immature petulant brat) then run for the hills.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/02/2023 17:39

Your husband is a bully and he needs his disgusting behaviour pointed out.

Wat2do222 · 09/02/2023 17:40

I know it's not as easy as that but please look at either holding him accountable for this nonsense or moving on. 50/50 is better than 100% abusive behavior

mottle · 09/02/2023 17:40

Your husband is an abusive bully.

Please leave before he does irreparable damage to your child that will follow her right through to adulthood.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

brandonflowersmushtash · 09/02/2023 17:40

Poor girl! Makes my stomach turn reading that... She must be so on edge around him!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/02/2023 17:44

Your husband is a fucking arsehole. Not speaking to his own daughter over her not wanting to go to football.
I haven't got patience for households where people exert power by not speaking to people. Its nasty manipulation and immature.
Growing up in this environment puts your daughter at an increases risk of falling for an abusive controlling partner in future.
Have a strong word with your husband about how he needs to grow up and learn to communicate like an adult.

Theunamedcat · 09/02/2023 17:52

How do you know he will want 50/50 is he an involved parent or just in it for the show?

Topseyt123 · 09/02/2023 17:53

You need to dump your arsewipe of a husband. He is now abusing your daughter. He needs to sling his hook.

You need to leave him so that you and your DD both have a safe haven away from his cruel manipulation and abuse.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 09/02/2023 17:58

Jeez Op, I hope you can get away quickly and safely from this man.

He is abusive.

Do you have a way to make a plan discreetly?

Original poster
Shouldigo90 · 09/02/2023 18:01

How do I plan to leave - do I just tell him I want a divorce? What happens about the kids do we just agree custody?
I can go to my Mums she has enough room for us.
Would custody agreements just start from when I left?
I honestly don't know how it works, but I know I want out of this.

OP posts:
Blueberrywitch · 09/02/2023 18:01

If your DH continues to treat her this way he will give your daughter massive issues in relationships. Look up “withdrawal of love” and “stonewalling”. It’s NOT acceptable and it’s not harmless. She’ll end up very anxious in relationships. Please get him to get some better coping strategies for when he is irritated, this is probably something he learned off his own parents. Horrible for you to be on the receiving end of as well.

Bluetrews25 · 09/02/2023 18:13

OP this is so upsetting to read what you and your DD are going through.
Silent treatment is a form of coercive control and is abuse.
You have made a good decision that this is over.
I can't advise on how to extricate yourselves, I just hope you can do it soon.
This was clearly only the tip of the iceberg.
Love to you both.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/02/2023 18:27

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:16

I think I'm so concerned by husbands reaction. He hasn't even given her a kiss goodnight and she has said Daddy doesn't like me

This is worrying. You should tell him it’s considered abusive to withhold attention and affection as punishment. Hopefully he just doesn’t realise.

Skodacool · 09/02/2023 18:29

It’s totally wrong for her daddy to give her the silent treatment. She will grow up fearful of offending an be likely to end up in an abusive relationship.

WonderingWanda · 09/02/2023 18:36

Your husband sounds horrible. I would be worried about your daughter being hysterical about not going to football. When I was a similar age we had some car troubles and the weirdo next door offered to take me. My Mum didn't know he was a weirdo, he used to flash me from his upstairs window when I was playing in the garden. I knew that was wrong and that I didn't want to go with him but couldn't explain why to my Mum, I didn't think she would believe me. So I had a meltdown, screaming and crying and refusing to leave the house. She was furious with me but I didn't have to go. There is a reason your daughter was so upset. Let her know that she can tell you anything, that you will love her no matter what and that you will always believe her. Hopefully in this case she just finds your husband a bit of a bully and it isn't more sinister but it's important she feels heard.