To have said she didn't have to go...

[Shouldigo90]

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

@windyarse I wasn't intending to goad. I did read the OP and, apart from the bit about the husband not wanting to talk to his daughter to find out why she didn't want to go, it wasn't clear what other communication had taken place. I asked because it seemed like this is a longstanding issue (which in fact the OP did say in a later post, that I had missed).

I did then say in my next post that the husband is clearly the arsehole in this situation. But without knowing more about their relationship and his relationship with their daughter, I'd hesitate to advise anything drastic.

Well, no. I’m saying it’s a dramatic reaction and asked why on earth she reacted in such a way. Clearly there is something going on as it’s not a normal reaction to missing a club.

She's 8 ffs, hobbies will come and go. My dd has tried most things from gymnastics to rugby for a few months at a time to a few years. She's now 15 and has found her passion (for the time being anyway). It's about giving your dc experiences, and at that age it's not about sticking to something.

As for your dh, I think most people have summed it up on here, it's appalling behaviour from him, and will likely affect her into adulthood im afraid. Well done for taking steps to remove her from the environment

This.

The level of ignorance shown by some people on this thread - luckily they have been in the minority so far - has actually astounded me.

Some of these people claim to be mothers, I hope they are lying. I have brought up my own children, and spent a lot of time in charge of one of my Grandchildren, the very rare occurrences of near or actual hysteria when my children were school age children (I am not including toddler tantrums here - they are probably a necessary right of passage), were always due to something very important - at least to them, if not to the wider world - and they definitely needed love and sympathy, and listening to, followed by understanfing, and whatever help I could give. My Grandchild's problems were on a very different scale, involving abuse by the one person above all else who should have had their back.

So these idiotic and ignorant people on here, who seem to think that any breakdown, or so called hysterical behaviour, is just due to a child being naughty, or due to them never having been taught coping behaviours, obviously have no empathy or imagination whatsoever. My heart breaks for their children.

lots of kids can turn on tears ,hysteria and even vomiting at will, to get their way.Not always the case of course but it is incredibly naive of you not to know this,

And they do this for fun do they? You don't think it's the sign of underlying issues in their family or life or treatment?

Just an FYI, Armless32 is trolling a lot of threads and has had their posts deleted across several of them.
Best to ignore.

Sorry, not going there.

However being in a home without your abuser 75% of the time is better than 100% with them around and a second parent who has become complicit by staying

But what if they're with the abuser alone for 50% of the time?

If they're there 100% of the time and the other parent complicit you are 100% never safe (never feel safe)

50% of the time there alone BUT 50% of the time you are safe, your other parent is not complicit, you have 1 safe parent versus no safe parent.

What a dick. Silent treatment is an abuse tactic. Vile thing to do anyone but particularly your own, upset, child. It's actually very damaging.

What utter bullshit. A child making themself vomit is clearly in great distress.

I was 9yrs old when i started refusing a club i attended because of who was taking me... i was being SA'd im afraid. My abuser had the whole family thinking i was being a rude little shit to them and i was getting into trouble and silent treatment from them because id took away their opportunity to be alone. I realise this is an extreme point to make out but i couldnt read and not say anything. I know it can be easy for me to see triggers that dont mean the same situation so its always difficult to judge when to speak but i hope im not crossing a line by suggesting a reason for the change. I wish you the very best and your daughter

You get out first. Then deal with the rest. You don't need a full plan. You just need the first step.

And I think you should talk about sexual abuse with her and assure her that she can tell you anything about anyone. You will keep her safe. She won't be punished. She won't be blamed. Not in a "I think you are" in a "if ever you feel like" way.

Tell him to google emotional blackmail.
Then tell him to join a five a side if he's so keen.

My god, your husband is so cruel.

Please put your daughter first.

my thoughts exactly.

If you agree to 50% contact this will undermine your assertion that DH is emotionally abusive. Why would you agree to an abuser spending any unsupervised time with your child? I wouldn't be agreeing to any contact, deal with it through solicitors, it may be that limited supervised contact is more appropriate. And as others have said, try to support your claim, eg by going to GP and reporting the stress/anxiety his behaviour is causing to both you and DD, and by speaking to a domestic violence charity for advice, before you leave. As well as taking legal advice before leaving - you may be able to get a court order to get him to leave instead, if there is abuse. Or you leave temporarily and then get a court order getting him out and allowing you and DD back into family home.
Wish you the best of luck.

This all sounds awful. I know someone who left in a similar situation.

First, take some advice, ideally get a lawyer and check your options. Don't leave the house, ask him to leave. You can either try to get an agreement between you on custody, but if he is an arse you will need to get something agreed by the court.

You can speak to a domestic abuse charity as this is abusive behaviour, an he is inflicting it on your daughter.

You probably won't be able to block him from seeing her, but you can try your best to minimise it. Then track every awful thing he does and report it.

Sadly, my friend still has to hand her kids to her husband within the custody agreement. But they are fast coming up to the age where they can make their own decisions and at least one wants to cut contact. It still needs to go to court, but he can state his wishes.

Your child is acting like a child, obviously. But your husband is also acting like a child....

No he isn't. Children are not abusive cunts, and that is what he is.

Posted too soon,

It's clear to most reasonable people that when a child is unhappy/acting up the to is an explanation. It doesn't take a genius to match abusive husband to frightened child, does it?

Yes, I can see this too. I couldn't personally have left my DC alone with my ex husband even for five minutes (that was part of the problem), but when you are in that situation, there is unfortunately no right answer. I'd have said there was, until I was in that situation.

I do think it's good, though, that there is much more understanding of what constitutes abuse now, though. I did go down the legal route before I left (my children are now adults) to see whether I could prevent my ex husband from having unsupervised contact, and the verdict was that his behaviour was bad, but not quite bad enough. Now, though, I think it would be seen as "bad enough".