To have said she didn't have to go...

[Shouldigo90]

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

DD and DH both seem given to hysterical over-reactions to very minor stuff.

Don't fan the flames of their silliness. For her own sake, your DD needs to learn there's a simple calm way to say no thanks. No need to turn on the drama.

An 8 yr old being hysterical is not the same as an audit man being hysterical over a child's class.
It sounds like she said no, asked nicely and ops husband was so stubborn he kept pushing.

Are you a reincarnation of the previous troll spouting this nonsense?

@2bazookas Her father was trying to force her to go. Something is clearly happening at these 'practices'. A person - child or adult, having a hysterical reaction to trauma or abuse they are suffering - particularly when they don't have the tools at 8 years old to say what/who/how is hurting her is not 'overreacting'. It's clear you've never dealt with abused children. Her reaction is COMPLETELY NORMAL when trauma or abuse is involved. Try a little sensitivity.

I can't work out if you are simply ignorant to abide or would be complicit. Either way it's depressing to read.

Children need to learn, above all else, that they are loved, that they are safe, that they are protected. Children do not need to learn to put up and shut up.

Ignorant to ABUSE

@2bazookas Trama, abuse, rape, sexual assault etc is not 'minor'. That you even wrote that it's 'minor' is astounding that you could write that with a straight face.

By 8 she should be able to express a preference without being hysterical

I hate comments like this. Not all 8 years olds are the same!

Your DH has behaved in an extremely childish way which will ultimately end up damaging your DD. You have two choices here - leave or if you think he’s an otherwise decent person, apart from his toxic stonewalling and inability to communicate like an adult, then suggest family therapy where he can learn how to communicate and also to understand the damage the silent treatment will do in any relationship. I imagine by the way he’s acting he is unlikely to agree to therapy or acknowledge his toxic behaviour.

Also, if he’s behaved like this to DD before, or she’s seen him behaving like this towards you too many times, this may will be why she had the reaction she did. Being around someone who punishes by giving the silent treatment causes a lot of anxiety, even for an adult, so you can imagine what it does to a child.

Doesn't even have to be that sinister, my dad took my sister to horsey events because she was a great horse rider for her age, yes she loved it but also she had no choice. It wasn't about her, it was about his ego, had she refused he'd have acted like this. Ops husband has some kind of narcissistic nonsense wrapped up in his daughters football. Also when my sister really dug her heels in its because he was having an affair with another horsey mum, another time she was being bullied by older kids. Affection and golden child status withdrawn until she complied with his wishes again.

Op said her daughter became hysterical, so I suspect she said she didn't want to go, asked not to go, begged not to go then when realising they would still make her go melted down completely. Because she's 8.

Her dad on the other hand was grown man, a parent, thinking he's entitled to blind obedience for his own ego who the. Thinks it's ok to treat an 8 yr old child like shit for DAYS for showing him up

Your DH has behaved in an extremely childish way which will ultimately end up damaging your DD

Can we stop saying 'childish' when we are referring to an abusive man.

Sadly she probably did try to express a preference long before becoming hysterical. That is almost certainly a result of the reaction by her parent to her expressing her preference.

People acting like the kid just got all hysterical and this never started small and escalated because it suits them to lay blame at the door of a fucking child

I agree, him being childish might be an appropriate point if all he did was wait in the car then maybe moan that he enjoys taking her to football and now feels silly as he'll have to explain absence to the coach. Then pulling his shit together later.

What he's done instead is not explain why he's even pissed off and instead visited an onslaught of emotional abuse on a child.

Thank you so much for all your comments. I have had numerous chats with her since and have told her she can absolutely tell me anything always.
It feels to me like she tried to say she didn't want to go and the hysterics were because she felt like that was the only way to communicate it because Dad would be angry.
Unfortunately this isn't the only incident of behaviour from him, always in the past towards me.
The thing I'm worried about is that he will turn it all on me.
He has already started to say to her, 'oh Mum has been saying horrible things about me'. When I pointed out he basically ignored his child for 24 hours he said oh well if you want to make out like I am a horrible Dad!
I have changed user name BTW it isn't a troll.

I’m glad you’re listening to your daughter.

Absolutely flabbergasted at some of the responses on here. I just am so happy you’re the parent and not them as this is how abuse is allowed to continue.

Your DH sounds like a narcissist. I’m so sorry to say that I predict he’s going to turn so nasty and you’re in for a hell of a time if you leave. But you’re doing the right thing.

PS you’re not making out that he’s a bad dad. He is one.

Do not leave your house or your children. It’s not necessary and will do harm to your case in the settlement of any separation or divorce. Take a weekend at your Mums before taking steps to ask for a divorce but ask your husband to leave the home instead.
also, at 8 years old your DD is old enough to be consulted on what access arrangements she wants with each parent. Mediators can arrange this and it will likely take place at school or some other neutral area independent of each parent’s influence.