To have said she didn't have to go...

[Shouldigo90]

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

I rang a solicitor today and have an appointment on Monday. I'm really worried about it all!
I don't even know at what point I would tell him. Feeling very anxious about it all!

You don't have to decide now. Talking to a solicitor is just information. One thing at a time.

I was the child in that situation, having the parent you trust not protect you and never leave and all the justification you hear for why they never left. It stays with you and you're never 'safe'

That said as an adult I understand my mum's decisions, I'd still not make the same decisions she did BUT I have more autonomy, more choices and significantly fewer children not to mention living in a different culture altogether to 80s Ireland.

@anya21 I sincerely hope you're not a parent if you thinking punishing a child for being traumatised/abused is good parenting. This girl is clearly crying out for help, something is happening to her at these practices, and she can't say what. She is only 8 and doesn't have the tools to. But, she is hysterical and clearly deeply scared and traumatised. You don't turn your back on a child that is scared and traumatised. She didn't just suddenly get bored with it, she is truly terrified of going. SOMETHING is going on and no decent parent would subject their child to ongoing abuse.

And NO! Children need to learn that they have body autonomy and their needs and wants are important, they should not be forced to continue with an activity, physical or otherwise, to suit the needs of selfish parents who choose to force their will and their personality on their child and crush them. Parents who FORCE their child to go to something they truly don't want to do are truly evil, selfish, cruel and unfit parents.

@4thonthe4th Please tell us you're not a parent. You clearly can't see this child is hysterical BECAUSE something is going on at these 'practices' and at 8 she doesn't have the tools to express what. Duh.

Not like this, over something they loved doing! You've never been around children, clearly, have no idea of abuse, trauma etc.

@Shouldigo90

Idk, you’re getting support on here but why did she actually want to miss training? And why was she “hysterical” about it?

Tbh if my daughter made a commitment to do something then hysterically decided not to aid probably not be so accepting as though that was normal. All your teaching her is that it’s alright to throw a tantrum like a little miss and cancel on other people.

Unless there was a specific reason (bullying or something) I’d have made her go up till the point she had committed to or until I talked to her coach or whoever and explained.

All your teaching her is that it’s alright to throw a tantrum like a little miss and cancel on other people.

No, what she taught her DD is that she is listened to. There is no value in forcing children to take part in activities they don't want to do. There is massive value in teaching them that you will listen, support and advocate for them.

@ElizaGumpyLeg What you're telling us is you don't understand safeguarding and abuse. This wasn't just a 'tantrum', this girl is clearly very stressed and traumatised. I sincerely hope you don't have children because not only are you teaching a child they have no agency they will be forced to do something (which lets be honest, no adult does something they don't want to do, so why force an innocent child?) they don't want just so you can teach her a 'lesson' and live vicariously through her, and that you can't tell the difference between a 'tantrum' and a child that is VERY CLEARLY in deep distress/abused.

Goodness, this is just so wrong.

This attitude belongs in the 70s/80s when kids were not listened to.

Tbh if my daughter made a commitment to do something

She is fucking 8 years old!! She's a CHILD. What is with these adults on here expecting a solemn commitment to kicking a ball around an oval, from an 8 year old little kid?! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Ease up! It shouldn't be that serious! And your OBSESSION with teaching 'commitment' will end up crushing your child's spirit.

then hysterically decided not to

If they hysterically decided not to, that is a CLUE that something very serious is going on! DUH!!

The amount of abusive and punitive parents on this thread that will be shocked, shocked I tell you, at their kids feeling they cannot confide abuse to their parents and won't be believed, is astounding. No child hysterically acts like that unless something VERY SERIOUS is happening!

LISTEN TO THAT INNOCENT CHILD CRYING OUT FOR HELP!!!! Don't put your need as a selfish parent to look good and live through your child, before your own child's NEEDS and wants. Put them first, your selfish need for parental validation last!

And even if it wasn't serious, a child should be taught body autonomy, basic freedom, and the ABILITY TO CHANGE THEIR MIND.

I’d move to your mums asap. Then sort out the rest later

Yes, I'd definitely go to your mums. Even if your husband isn't abusing physically, he is certainly abusing her emotionally and psychologically. He is cruel, cold and selfish and harming your daughter. He is a harmful influence on her. I feel frightened for you and your daughter. I hope you get away from him asap and ask for only supervised visitation at this stage.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

Plenty of adults do things when they don’t fully feel like them. If you’ve committed to a team sport most adults will actually try to show up for that rather than just flake off if they don’t feel like it - otherwise they shouldn’t be doing it.

Of course adults whose childhood tantrums are catered to and are allowed to skip out on things they’ve made commitments to may continue that pattern into adulthood

Absolute bullshit. Not one of us adults would continue playing a sport or doing a hobby if we no longer enjoy it. And forcing a child to do what we wouldn't do is classified as abuse, and anyone who encourages that has no business being anywhere near a child.

This is so hard to read as I had a parent who used to withdraw their love and ignore me, as punishment

Sending you love, OP. I know you'll do the right thing for your children

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

Nope, most people would keep doing a team sport at least until they could be replaced rather than just not bother to turn up.

lol at forcing a child to go to soccer practice being abuse. That’s too funny.

If you raise your children to quit everything half way through and throw tantrums then that’s what they’ll do. I’d have made her at least see out the next few weeks

I'm convinced you are trolling at this point.

NO, please stop lying! Any adult would quit asap and give the team the chance to put those on the bench waiting, on.

Yes, forcing a child (who is clearly being abused either physically or sexually by someone) to continue to attend is abuse. If you don't understand that, there is something very very wrong with your wiring. And forcing a child to continue something that makes them deeply unhappy IS abuse. If you don't know that, it's because you're an abuser who is a stage mum living vicariously through your children and your happiness and image is more important to you than the needs, wishes and welfare of your child.

So am I, I can't believe someone could be so clearly abusive otherwise, and not understand that they are abusive or at least supporting abuse.

I was once in a group therapy type session.

Another person there talked about sending his daughter to her mum's every weekend and the daughter not wanting to go.

Sounds fairly simple doesn't it? You need to spend time with both parents. This is your mum, she loves you etc.

But that girl had a really good reason not to go.

Your husband is a dick for ignoring your dd. If she got that worked up then she was better at home. At 8 she's going to know what she likes to do and if it's not football anymore then so be it it's not the end of the world

YANBU

Dh and I were only discussing this yesterday, we are in agreement that clubs are for opportunity, discipline and enjoyment; when/if the enjoyment stops we will support the decision to stop and look at something else. The skills and discipline already learned could be transferable to something else. Except for swimming lessons, this is non-negotiable.

I am concerned about your DH’s behaviour though, the silence is cruel and a punishment, acting this way is not setting a good example for your DD in terms of future adult relationships, this is not a behaviour I’d want a child of mine to put up with from a partner thinking it’s normal.

This is heartbreaking to read. Your DD must have been so sad. That behaviour is not appropriate towards your DD. It’s emotional abuse from your DH.

I think I’ve read all of your further comments too. It sounds like something has been done or said seeing as your daughter asked who was taking her before deciding that she was not going. Have you had the opportunity to delve further and asks your DD why she didn’t want to go? Have you also asked your DD if she would go to football if you were to take her?

Good luck OP.

I’m so glad you’re taking this so seriously and I hope seeing your solicitor strengthens your resolve that you’re doing the right thing.

What I would suggest is that you think very carefully about how you break the news to DD and what her father has a chance to say to her. The first thing that’s likely to pop into her head is whether she’s caused this by refusing to go to football. If she was willing to carry on playing just so he’d talk to her again, then she’s likely to be incredibly upset at the possibility that it’s all her fault, so have some reassurance ready for her.