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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said she didn't have to go...

166 replies

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:08

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

OP posts:

DoorstoManual · 10/02/2023 00:03

My father didn’t speak to me for two weeks when I was 12 the damage done was and still is immense at 60.😡

Get your child out of there now.😢😢

Summerfun54321 · 10/02/2023 00:40

Well done for getting her out of this situation. Your DH is a bully and will absolutely crush your daughter's self worth.

ConcordeOoter · 10/02/2023 00:57

DoorstoManual · 10/02/2023 00:03

My father didn’t speak to me for two weeks when I was 12 the damage done was and still is immense at 60.😡

Get your child out of there now.😢😢

How can I earnestly ask this without coming across as insensitive.

If you don't mind me asking, and without going into it if you don't feel comfortable, could you hint at the nature of the damage?

I have a good reason for not knowing and a better reason for asking

HollaHolla · 10/02/2023 01:16

This sounds a lot like my childhood. I have a poor relationship with my father because of it.

My mother stayed , BTW.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 01:39

Dammitthisisshit · 08/02/2023 20:28

YANBU to let her skip training (my 8 year old plays so I do get the team thing but there’s no point pushing it). But I don’t understand why she was hysterical? By 8 she should be able to express a preference without being hysterical.

Yes that’s what I wondered. Is it the upset your husband is really pissed off at?

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 01:41

Shouldigo90 · 09/02/2023 17:29

I am done! He didn't speak to her on school run this morning and only said bye to her outside her classroom.
I have told him how out of order it is to give your child the silent treatment for 24 hours. His response was 'oh you need to stop trying to make me look bad'
He said she would never have got away with missing training when we were due to leave that hour if it was up to him.
She is very upset that Dad hasn't spoken to her and has said she would rather carry on playing football and have her dad speak to her again!

Ignore my previous post I hadn’t read the rest of your posts! Well the man is a wanker

Sammz21 · 10/02/2023 03:32

I suggest you book an appointment with your gp outlining the emotional abuse/stress you are both under.
This leaves a paper trail & if you need any letters written later down the line re custody/counselling etc, the facts are there.
Unfortunately, I speak from experience, but this was one of the best pieces of advice I was given.💐

4thonthe4th · 10/02/2023 03:42

Your DH is a twat but why on earth was your 8yo hysterical about not going to football? Seems very dramatic.

Aussiegirl123456 · 10/02/2023 03:56

My dad was like this with me OP. I’m nearly 40 and I’m only becoming aware of my childhood trauma caused by him and how it has impacted my life. I always felt so sad for my mum having to deal with him. He wasn’t ever physically abusive so she never saw what he did as abuse.

She finally left him in her 50’s and passed away a year later. What a waste.

I have zero relationship with my dad now. Growing up, he used to give me the silent treatment, always made me feel inadequate or not good enough. My self esteem even to this day is so low and it’s all because of him. I left home at 18 because of him but the damage was already done. It’s abuse, pure and simple. It’s taken me almost 40 years to realise. Good on you OP for recognising it for what it is. Wish you all well.

Aussiegirl123456 · 10/02/2023 03:58

4thonthe4th · 10/02/2023 03:42

Your DH is a twat but why on earth was your 8yo hysterical about not going to football? Seems very dramatic.

Dramatic? You (and me, and OP) have zero idea what happened the last time she went. The kid is communicating something with her behaviour. Labelling it as dramatic is ignorant and foolish.

barmycatmum · 10/02/2023 04:17

Your husband is an asshole. Straight up. She’ll learn from this that emotionally unavailable men are the norm; he’s punished her for having feelings . What an absolute dick.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 10/02/2023 04:36

anya21 · 08/02/2023 21:16

I think you should make her go up to the period you have paid up to. Also you and your DH should have presented a united front.
Your DH shouldnt be ignoring his child but he should be firm and tell ehr she is committed to x date. I do not believe in encouraging hysteria over trivial things and you are encouraging it by teaching her it gets her her own way

@Anya21 How the fuck do you know it is over a trivial thing?

Forgooodnesssakenow · 10/02/2023 04:48

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 21:16

Yes I did wonder if something has gone on. He has taken her for the last few weeks and she did ask me tonight who was taking her but I didn't think anything of it.

He has a history of behaving like this we me, will often give the silent treatment if I say/do something He doesn't agree with and then gets very defensive when I go to talk to him about it.

She wondered why Daddy hadn't given her a kiss goodnight so I did tell him she was upset he hadn't said goodnight. He then went up and gave her a punishment for shouting earlier!

Show quote history

What an absolute arsehole, what did you do at that point? Because his behaviour is coming off emotionally abusive, are you supporting/complicit in him being this kind of father? Why are you putting up with it?

Forgooodnesssakenow · 10/02/2023 04:53

agentleandeffectivecleaneverytime · 09/02/2023 18:36

OP, he is being a terrible father.

But I don't know what to say, because if you leave him, you'll be handing your DD over to an abusive and inadequate man for at least part of the time, and you won't be there to protect her. But you shouldn't carry on living with someone who treats his own child like that. You are absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place and I do not envy you for a second.

FWIW, I stayed in a similar situation, because I didn't want the DC to be exposed to his behaviour without me there. But I know that many, many people would say this was the wrong thing to do.

The only good solution, really, would have been for my DC's father to have dropped dead. Then they could gone through a grieving process (horrible, but you get over that more easily than abuse) and we could all have moved on.

Unfortunately you can't rely on bds to drop dead, you need to have the courage to leave.

My mum stayed. Gave the same justifications. I have young children, I can understand her reasoning even though my husband is not like this. However being in a home without your abuser 75% of the time is better than 100% with them around and a second parent who has become complicit by staying.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 10/02/2023 04:59

Shouldigo90 · 09/02/2023 18:01

How do I plan to leave - do I just tell him I want a divorce? What happens about the kids do we just agree custody?
I can go to my Mums she has enough room for us.
Would custody agreements just start from when I left?
I honestly don't know how it works, but I know I want out of this.

Its amazinh you are going to leave.

Follow through, ensure you spell out to your daughter that she has done nothing wrong, that her dad is very wrong to treat her like this and is acting very immature. She could end up blaming herself with the timing so you need to ensure it doesn't go that way for her.

If my husband was being a prick' (and we all can be sometimes, life is complicated) I'd sit him down once the kids were in bed and we'd talk through any parenting disputes. It sounds like you're dealing with a pattern of behaviour though, not a one off. And like he can't hear criticism and has control issues.

If this is how he is repeatedly in your lives together I'd pack up and go and call him after the fact. Or if you can financially pack his shit and pop it on the doorstep and advise him he needs somewhere to sleep. Call the police if necessary on non emergency number to be present when he collects his things.

I'm sorry this has happened to you all. I hope it gets resolved. You sound a strong woman and mum

neurodiverge · 10/02/2023 05:02

These are 2 separate issues. It's fine for him to have another opinion about football training. It's not fine for him to stonewall your child, and withhold conditional affection.

kateandme · 10/02/2023 05:14

maybe the hysteria wasnt over going to footbal but rather her fear over dads reaction when she saif she didnt want to go.and judging by what did happen she had a reason to be hysterical.
and had she tried telling him on the previous times he took her and got the same treatment or worse.
leave.a safe space 50% of the time is so much better than it always alwasys shit 100% of the time if you stsy

HarlanPepper · 10/02/2023 05:16

I know this thread has moved on a bit, but I don't understand why you didn't go and tell your husband that you'd agreed with your daughter that she wouldn't go. Why did you leave him sitting out in the car? Do you usually have issues communicating with each other?

How does he usually behave when things don't go his way - has he done this sort of thing before?

HarlanPepper · 10/02/2023 05:17

(PS, goes without saying - obviously he's being a complete twat and I agree that this behaviour is emotional abuse)

sashh · 10/02/2023 06:13

You are married to a knob.

Your poor daughter.

OK she might just not want to go but she might have other reasons, being bullied, started her period (early but not that early) might have been groped.

He is an adult, she is a child, he needs to learn to grow up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2023 06:21

sashh · 10/02/2023 06:13

You are married to a knob.

Your poor daughter.

OK she might just not want to go but she might have other reasons, being bullied, started her period (early but not that early) might have been groped.

He is an adult, she is a child, he needs to learn to grow up.

This. If your child is hysterical you try to find out why. You don't ignore them for 24 hours. Anything could have happened.

I suspect something did and it was his behaviour at football last time.

windyarse · 10/02/2023 06:25

HarlanPepper · 10/02/2023 05:16

How does he usually behave when things don't go his way - has he done this sort of thing before?

Did you eve read the OP?

He chose to go to the car. He chose to stay in the car.

Stop being so bloody goady.

airey · 10/02/2023 06:26

He needs therapy.

ghosting/silent treatment is emotional abuse. It’s appalling that he’s doing it to an 8 year old. He needs to be made aware of the seriousness of this.

if he won’t go for therapy, may I suggest you do? There are online providers if you can’t get to someone in person.

When you tell a therapist out loud what your husband is like, you will be able to weigh up how impactful his behaviour is and if you can continue in a relationship like this

We all have baggage from our childhood and crappy ways of behaving - he’s not alone in this. But we have to step up and recognise our faults and not project them on to our children.

parenting is hard. But he needs to self reflect on this behaviour pattern and work on changing it, now.

Happyvalleyfan · 10/02/2023 06:35

One of my friend’s daughter’s has developed significant mental health problems, and my friend does feel it’s due to this type of abusive behaviour from the dad (they are divorced). Her daughter insisted on keeping up contact with dad ( understandable -as it’s her dad, but probably also due to developing attachment difficulties due to his abusive behaviour).

If he tries to say he’s going to change etc etc, I would insist on couple therapy - whilst you keep option for divorce in the table. In fact I would insist on it - as it might also give you evidence for court if he doesn’t accept or change his controlling behaviour.

Zanatdy · 10/02/2023 06:36

I’d be furious if my partner was giving our child the silent treatment. My ex is well known for giving the silent treatment - that was his go to, he would just ignore me for days / weeks. Until recently we still went on annual holidays despite being split over 10yrs. DS (18) did something he didn’t like (but a perfectly reasonable thing to do, wasn’t a bad thing to normal people) and ex ignored him for 24hrs. A couple of days later I lost it with him and told him he is not starting to give his kids the silent treatment. He claimed he didn’t want to raise it on holiday so thought ignoring was better. No, it really hurt my son. And there’s a big backstory with my eldest child (his step son) which relates to the same kind of thing so it triggered me badly. In any new relationships if anyone starts to give me the silent treatment that’s going to be it, over.

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