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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said she didn't have to go...

166 replies

Shouldigo90 · 08/02/2023 20:08

So DD (8) was hysterical tonight saying she didn't want to go to football training. She has played for around a year and has been committed always wanted to go. We have recently had a couple of occasions where she hasn't wanted to go. I have tried to talk to her tonight and she has basically said she isn't are she wants to play anymore. Absolutely fine, it's always been her choice what clubs she does.
I said ti her she should give it a miss tonight as she was hysterical.
Husband wanted nothing to do with talking to her and seeing how she was feeling. He said oh I will be waiting in the car when she has her clothes on. He must have waited 10 mins and she didn't come out so he drove to the shop. He came home half an hour later and he hasn't spoken to DD at all. She has told me at bedtime 'oh daddy is ignoring me'.
He has made no effort to see if she is OK, bear in mind he walked put while she was hysterical.
Was I unreasonable to say to her she didn't have to go today and she should take a few days to think about if she is still enjoying it.
BTW I have always said she needs to be committed if she is in a team and that it is unfair to others if she simply doesn't turn up.

OP posts:
agentleandeffectivecleaneverytime · 09/02/2023 18:36

OP, he is being a terrible father.

But I don't know what to say, because if you leave him, you'll be handing your DD over to an abusive and inadequate man for at least part of the time, and you won't be there to protect her. But you shouldn't carry on living with someone who treats his own child like that. You are absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place and I do not envy you for a second.

FWIW, I stayed in a similar situation, because I didn't want the DC to be exposed to his behaviour without me there. But I know that many, many people would say this was the wrong thing to do.

The only good solution, really, would have been for my DC's father to have dropped dead. Then they could gone through a grieving process (horrible, but you get over that more easily than abuse) and we could all have moved on.

SaltyGod · 09/02/2023 18:46

I'm so glad to hear that you're making plans to leave this horrible man. Flowers

Next steps (and I'm not an expert) would likely be: gather copies of important documents and any evidence that might come in useful, consult a solicitor to get some advice on next steps, gets your ducks in a row and then tell him. Prepare for all kinds of awfulness from him.

I'd don't know about leaving the house for your mum's, but do get legal advice first. Do you own, is it a joint mortgage?

KarmaStar · 09/02/2023 18:47

He is being stupid.
Dd,perhaps,needs to learn having hysterics won't always get her her own way.
Hoping she is ok and not worried about anything at the club.

wildseas · 09/02/2023 18:52

If you’re serious about leaving then my advice would be to take a week or two to plan before you go. Make sure you have all financial info / take half the savings / sort everything so that you just leave once.

In terms of access for the kids if your long term goal is for dad to have less access than you then don’t ask for maintenance immediately; insist that he has full care all day (inc paying for childcare) on his time; suggest taking turns for weekends and be supportive of him having them his weekends (so you don’t set up a fight situation); continue doing any jobs you usually do (eg liaison with school) and add on any of his he doesn’t actively ask for (eg start dropping off at school daily).

Perriewinkle · 09/02/2023 19:11

What a twat

Nimello · 09/02/2023 19:16

I can't say whether or not you should leave him, OP, but if you do, then do not leave the house. If it comes to a divorce and you have to negotiate a settlement, you could be said not to need X percentage of the pot because you can be adequately housed without it. Never, ever leave the marital home (unless you and/or your children are in physical danger, obviously).

People always say "get evidence" on here. Evidence of what? Him being a twat? That will make no difference to a settlement. If he's the kind to hide assets, he'll be doing it already.

Nimello · 09/02/2023 19:17

Taking half the savings is also bad advice. Nothing financial should be done until a settlement has been negotiated. OP needs to do it in an orderly manner if she's going to do it at all.

Nimello · 09/02/2023 19:17

Consulting a solicitor is excellent advice, though.

Mylaferret · 09/02/2023 19:25

Dammitthisisshit · 08/02/2023 20:28

YANBU to let her skip training (my 8 year old plays so I do get the team thing but there’s no point pushing it). But I don’t understand why she was hysterical? By 8 she should be able to express a preference without being hysterical.

She was probably hysterical because she was scared of her abusive dad's reaction.

Warspite · 09/02/2023 19:27

In my opinion kids are expected or encouraged to go to too many after school activities these days. Kids need “down time” just like adults do; headspace to chill and relax.

Im not saying that is the case here but if a child wants to step off the after-school clubs’ scene then let ‘em. Life is tough enough. They need relaxation & time to decompress.

The father in this case is exhibiting dreadful bullying unreasonable behaviour which might emotionally scar this little girl for a very long time. Poor wee soul. I hope he will come round and make up to her with a loving hug and apology very soon.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/02/2023 19:30

What a horrible man.

I would ask to be moved to relationships board for better advice on divorce. Good luck.

EmmaDilemma5 · 09/02/2023 19:30

He's emotionally abusing her. His disregard for his own child's feelings is really worrying. And added to the fact he treats you like that.

She's crying out for you to make this better. You need to show her that his behaviour is wrong, not hers, and that you won't put up with it.

He's a nasty piece of work (and I bet he's a little wimp around other men).

Motnight · 09/02/2023 19:36

Why are you surprised about your dh giving your dd the silent treatment? It is what he does to you.

Led9519 · 09/02/2023 19:38

I’m not as bad as all that but when anyone frustrates me I can be similar. I just don’t do well with the drama over a relatively small thing when it’s been paid for and previously enjoyed then huge tantrum okay you don’t have to go. My DD did something similar with ballet and I was so annoyed after all the money and time spent on it.

His reaction is ott but I can understand where he’s coming from. Although it’s a bit much for an 8 year old sometimes I think it’s trying to show a link between their actions and consequences, if they’ve made a commitment they should stick to it. Of course I explained that to my 5 year old dd about ballet and it didn’t change a thing.

Led9519 · 09/02/2023 19:43

Shouldigo90 · 09/02/2023 17:29

I am done! He didn't speak to her on school run this morning and only said bye to her outside her classroom.
I have told him how out of order it is to give your child the silent treatment for 24 hours. His response was 'oh you need to stop trying to make me look bad'
He said she would never have got away with missing training when we were due to leave that hour if it was up to him.
She is very upset that Dad hasn't spoken to her and has said she would rather carry on playing football and have her dad speak to her again!

Well I didn’t see this one 😮
would probably tell him I hadn’t seen such childish behaviour including 8 year olds previous hysterics. Fgs.

Tribblesarelovely · 09/02/2023 19:45

I’d be very worried about what’s gone on at previous training sessions, considering your husband is such a dick. I’d have it out with him, no way would I allow my child to be treated like this.

N4ish · 09/02/2023 19:49

I would also worry about what’s been happening on the way to and from football and why your husband is so invested in your daughter continuing to participate.

I understand your hesitation about giving him 50/50 time with the kids, very difficult to know what best to do.

ConcordeOoter · 09/02/2023 19:51

On the face of it, it sounds like this is a matter of emotional miscalibration while trying to achieve the positive effect of teaching your child a lesson about quitting. In which case a frank conversation where you explain the huge (nd maybe invisible to him) problem with his "solution" using emotional intelligence so he can do better, as he hopefully wants to, might be more productive than being angry and putting him on the defensive, or breaking up the family over it.

Of course none of us are with you so it can seem totally different depending on how the situation really is. If it is a case of him being insensitive and getting the emotions wrong inadvertently whilst trying to parent that is one thing (we have all done this at some point), and if it is abusive and horrible it is quite another.

Stopthebusplease · 09/02/2023 20:01

I do wish people would read the thread before commenting. The OP has said that she's decided she wants a divorce, so no longer really requires input about what happened with her daughter and the football. She now needs advice on the best way to separate, which it seems some have given. If you read the thread then you know that things have moved on.

purplecorkheart · 09/02/2023 20:09

Op I cannot offer you any useful advice but just wanted to wish you and your daughter well.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 09/02/2023 21:15

What an abusive cunt he is.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 21:56

Your husband is abusive.

His abuse is affecting your child.

OCDmama · 09/02/2023 21:59

anya21 · 08/02/2023 21:16

I think you should make her go up to the period you have paid up to. Also you and your DH should have presented a united front.
Your DH shouldnt be ignoring his child but he should be firm and tell ehr she is committed to x date. I do not believe in encouraging hysteria over trivial things and you are encouraging it by teaching her it gets her her own way

The united front being child abuse?

It might seem trivial drama to to but it's not to an 8 year old. Try some empathy.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 22:01

Who does most of the parenting as things stand?

Do you both work, and what hours are normal per week for each of you?

Who earns more?

In order to get an idea of what's possible and how the process works, you need to see a solicitor. Make an appointment with the hottest family law solicitor you can find.

The possibility of the children being affected by his abuse must be discussed, and you need to fund out how to prove it.

samqueens · 09/02/2023 23:55

You are being very brave OP - well done! It’s really tough, I’m so glad you’ve updated the thread, was wondering how you and DD were getting on.

Call women’s aid to discuss the abuse and then speak to solicitor. Get advice from both about how best to end things while protecting yourself. Then make a plan that works for you. If it takes a few days or weeks it is worth it to know you’re acting calmly and have what you need to make a break. Don’t hint to him what’s up or behave differently.

He will probably make the break up as painful as he can - stay strong and stay focused on the end goal of a better life.

Hang in there xx