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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That nobody has sex like on TV?

238 replies

newbieattheschoolgates · 08/02/2023 17:35

Just watching maternal… lady grabs man, they go in cupboard, she’s lifted against wall and he’s straight in.

Similar examples all over the place

or maybe I just haven’t lived… 🤔

OP posts:
pussycatinfluffyslippers · 08/02/2023 19:28

Hups · 08/02/2023 17:56

If my DH tried to lift me up against a wall, he'd end up in traction for years.

Oh yes...he'd probably need some viagra and about 2 weeks warning as well so he could renew his passport and leave the country 🤷‍♀️

figmaofmyimagination · 08/02/2023 19:29

Curriedpeanuts · 08/02/2023 18:57

Genuine question. How is standing up face to face sex even possible?
Whenever I tried, the height was wrong and then even on my tip toes the angle was all wrong, it would only work if the penis had a 75° bend in it half way up.

Laughing like Mutley here 😁

We have pretty rampant sex all over the house and in various positions but I have never really got the hang of standing up sex for exactly this reason.

And then there’s shower sex, with the same angle issues plus washing away your natural lubrication and someone always ends up cold!

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 08/02/2023 19:32

MadamLeota · 08/02/2023 18:03

Also, all men on TV remove their shirts by grabbing the back of the collar and pulling it over their heads.
In all my years every bloke I've ever seen undress does it from the hem up.

Mine didn't.
Then he hurt his shoulder.
Now he does the crossed arms technique that we normal people use. It's also easier to iron his tops, they aren't pulled out of shape with a big "hump" on the back.

clarepetal · 08/02/2023 19:33

No fanny farts either

OoooohMatron · 08/02/2023 19:33

YANBU. Nobody ever does an embarrassing fanny fart do they?

OoooohMatron · 08/02/2023 19:34

clarepetal · 08/02/2023 19:33

No fanny farts either

Cross Post. Dirty minds think alike 😆

NeelyOHara1 · 08/02/2023 19:34

I noticed the scene you mention and cringed. It's like you can't be an empowered woman who enjoys quality sex and isn't afraid to have standards, you must like it wham, bam thank you, man.

BeaLola · 08/02/2023 19:35

I decided I was definitely middle-aged when instead of thinking about sex I was thinking about a cup of tea

iklboo · 08/02/2023 19:35

Totally.

Screams of passion? More like:

You're kneeling on my boob!
Argh I've got cramp!
I've put my back out!
The cat's just clawed my balls!

Also, if he swept everything off the table / counter top he can fecking well pick everything back up again before he even thinks about coming near me with his willy.

Sex in shower? No, near drowning experience.

Sparklesockz · 08/02/2023 19:36

Everyone looks beautiful, women sleep in full makeup and wake up looking amazing and the men are never ever hairy.

gogohmm · 08/02/2023 19:38

@Hups my thoughts too Grin

CalpolDependant · 08/02/2023 19:38

Not gonna lie, when we do doggy I feel like I’m in one of those super sexy tv shags… but I wouldn’t actually want to see what I look like. 🫣🤢

SpookyBlackCat · 08/02/2023 19:38

There's a scene in OITNB where Boo masturbates and it's the first time I've seen a realistic female orgasm onscreen.

I agree that there is just so much bad sex shown on TV.

Dalekjastninerels · 08/02/2023 19:39

No one ever seems to get foot cramp

amiold · 08/02/2023 19:39

Got laid the other night laying on my back like a hippo and wearing my red Christmas nightie with a big green grinch face on the front 😂 real life scenario. Did the job 😂

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 08/02/2023 19:40

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 08/02/2023 18:48

You have to feed the cat or they sit and watch you like a little furry pervert 😁

😂😂😂 How true!

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 08/02/2023 19:40

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 08/02/2023 18:48

You have to feed the cat or they sit and watch you like a little furry pervert 😁

It's been a while, but ^this. 😻😳🤦‍♀️

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 08/02/2023 19:43

because it’s slipped out and nearly went where it shouldn’t
I had to tell DH why I laughed.
He laughed too.
🤣

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 19:44

Seems like too much hard work to me

And those awful kissing noises sounds like they are shifting food around

OdeToBarney · 08/02/2023 19:45

This thread is really cheering me up 🤣 the fact I've barely had sex in 18 months is probably a contributing factor to my current mood tbh...

2Old2BABPpresenter · 08/02/2023 19:47

Been with DP 4 years this June, we definitely had sex like on tv and the movies to start with. In fact we were at it like bunnies 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣 yes we’ve had wall lifting and all sorts. He’s quite happy to get my toys out also, we still have a healthy adventurous sex life just a bit slower in pace now 🤣🤣🤣

SavoirFlair · 08/02/2023 19:48

A bigger question is why do (mainly) British posters on Mumsnet always have to reduce sex to being humorous and awkward, in order to fit in with the previous poster who has also said something vaguely funny and clumsy about sex?

We are not all weird pyjama wearing, granny pants sporting people who rush to find an old towel to avoid the mess.

It’s ok to somehow be slim and athletic, to want to be fucked all over the house, to desire intense and raw sex, and to lie in the aftermath.

Just a different perspective

Luckymonth · 08/02/2023 19:49

We tried this when we were 20. It just didn't quite work. We do sometimes have sex like passionate hard 'male centric' sex, no foreplay, straight in. I guess I quite like it but not everytime.

fanjosaysi · 08/02/2023 19:51

SavoirFlair · 08/02/2023 19:48

A bigger question is why do (mainly) British posters on Mumsnet always have to reduce sex to being humorous and awkward, in order to fit in with the previous poster who has also said something vaguely funny and clumsy about sex?

We are not all weird pyjama wearing, granny pants sporting people who rush to find an old towel to avoid the mess.

It’s ok to somehow be slim and athletic, to want to be fucked all over the house, to desire intense and raw sex, and to lie in the aftermath.

Just a different perspective

Talking about having lustful raw sex isn't very entertaining though, would be a bit odd and boring. Prefer hearing about grinch nighties and nosy cats but just me

Doesn't mean people don't do that kind of thing too, just why would anyone want to talk about that

Witsendwilly · 08/02/2023 19:54

SavoirFlair · 08/02/2023 19:48

A bigger question is why do (mainly) British posters on Mumsnet always have to reduce sex to being humorous and awkward, in order to fit in with the previous poster who has also said something vaguely funny and clumsy about sex?

We are not all weird pyjama wearing, granny pants sporting people who rush to find an old towel to avoid the mess.

It’s ok to somehow be slim and athletic, to want to be fucked all over the house, to desire intense and raw sex, and to lie in the aftermath.

Just a different perspective

Correct.

Both mid forties here and lifted up against the wall sex is fairly regular, probably once a fortnight.

It’s not awkward or dumbly if both are up for it. It’s not “standing up sex” because the females legs are wrapped around the male and she is pinned against the wall.

Also, in response to previous posters comments about fanny farts. Once in 30 years of sexual activity has that happened. If everything is properly filled then there isn’t room for air to get in.