To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

**
I agree with a PP that unless its group that is about Harry Potter and squirting water pistols I think you're initiations were unreasonable (and weird tbh).

I think you went too far as what you pug into place was more an initiation hazing than anything related to the club - trial bf water pistols (especially in winter 😱) and drawing of Harry Potter isn't appropriate

It is annoying that you're doing lots of admin to join up people as new members who then disappear/ stop coming after a couple weeks. Really you should have an email copy of form people complete and return to you at start withwith a 2 week trial attendance before they become full members of the group.

I would go tomorrow and say "sorry it was meant to be light hearted but I can see it wasn't thought through. Please join me Bs k to WhatsApp group"

T

If I don’t do the admin nobody will and we end up with a room full of people that nobody knows
What does this actually mean? What sort of admin do you actually do that gives you such an insight into these people's lives, op?
I have a feeling it's as ridiculously intrusive as the proposed initiation ceremony.
You only need their names. Anything else that's shared needs to be by choice.

I used to run a book club.
Admin consisted of welcoming people, adding their e-mail addresses to the database, & asking how they liked their tea/coffee.

So my suggestion is during trial period of membership (so they can see if it is the club for them) you hold off on doing any of this bit
The admin involves me making them a badge, printing them a log book and adding their photo to the group chart.
Until they become full members of the club

I too would lose a badge and not be interested in wearing one although I can see you liked that part OP

As someone with autism (I have an adult son with autism) I can see that change and doing things in set way is important to you OP . But I'd the majority old members who enjoyed that aspect have left it may be time for a change . It's very difficult to mandate that you could ask new members if they want a badge made up (eg for 50p charge so people think about it, people are more likely to take care of things they have paid for and it can go towards cost of the penguin ?biscuits? After you've bought the raw materials from coffers)

I hope you get it resolved OP as you've enjoyed being part of this club for years

Yes message the leader - very briefly as suggested below - that you realise you made a silly call and were overthinking it and you'd like to be a part of it all as it's important to you

I did think your initiations were totally unnecessary and irrelevant, OP

But I am also not a lover of change. And I'm not autistic, so i get that this is harder for you, even if I do think it's far from being something to get so worked up about.

However, I do think your silent removal from the WhatsApp group is shameful, and given your overall feelings about how much has changed, I don't know that I'd bother trying to make amends. Your actions may have been questionable, but there was good intent behind them. Theirs are downright cruel.

Are these really people you want to socialise with?

Op am really sorry but I do agree with a lot of posters. I would be quite perturbed if I wanted to join a book group then on the first evening they told me I would have to walk with them out to a random field with people I didn't know in an 'initiation' especially with how dark, wild and cold it's been recently. It would feel quite risky!

WhatsApp the 'leader' say you're happy stepping back (if you are) and Just being a member for a while?

What are the badges like? Am intrigued!

That's more or less what I thought. So odd that anything more onerous or involved would be necessary .
Or indeed welcomed.

I think that the group were completely wrong to go along with your idea of people having to prove that they are serious before they join.

It's supposed to be fun & enjoyable.

People need to try it for a week or two to see if it's right for them.

No "initiation" will help with that!

It does sound as if the admin you have been doing isn't necessary & a choice which you can stop doing.

Oh dear OP! What a bizarre way to incentivise new members to want to stay! Water squirters?? Initiation ceremonies?? New Harry Potter characters?? Have you ever heard of any (book) club suggesting this from their members??

As for the admin required - who needs a badge anyway? You just introduce yourself & take it in turns to post what the next book will be for those who couldn’t attend last meeting.

This sounds so much like a lost Victoria Wood sketch

"Welcome to Sacherelle...."

I guess you're also not a fan of reading the full thread .

Why, what has she missed?

Log book. OP gives everyone a log book when they join.

I don’t know what they log in it - books read, possibly, or meetings attended. Either way, pointless. I have little enough patience with my five year old’s school reading log, I certainly don’t want to keep one myself.

If you do decide to go back to the group OP, I have an idea for the badges.

Why not create some kind of artwork/poster/collage to put up at meetings that centres around the old-school badges? You could make some for that purpose, use any old ones you have, etc., so that you’re keeping that memory and tradition alive, but in a way that recognises that was the history of the group, and doesn’t have to be rigidly stuck to now. Then if anyone wanted an old-school style badge like in the old days, they could request one? I actually think that might make them more popular! Like a sentimental keepsake type thing.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

And this is why Mumsnet is a horrible place. Being removed from a WhatsApp group is horrible

Seeking advice about it and then being called all sorts of names and laughed at is also horrible.

I'm so sorry OP, there are a lot of unkind people around.

Lots of unkind posts on this thread.

OP I wouldn't blame you if you didnt come back.

But I hope you get this sorted, and like I said before the Group Leader has handled this situation very badly and is mainly to blame.

are you 10?

Oh, the irony!

The leader told the OP straight though. She told her that her rigid rules are ruining it for everybody. What are you supposed to do when one person is hell bent on destroying the group that you are supposed to be in charge of.

Maybe the OP missed out the bit where she apologised profusely for ruining it for everybody and turning new members off the group and promised not to do it again but it doesn't seem like she did. If she did do this then booting her out of the WhatsApp is harsh but if she didn't then she had her chance to make things right but didn't do it.

It sounds like this isn't the right book clubs for the OP and she is better off suited to one that is more staid.

The OP has autism which explains a great deal about her experience. I wish people would read the whole thread as there are some incredibly unkind posts.

OP please ignore them and try and focus on the helpful and constructive replies. If this group doesn't work for you in the future there will be others which will, you might just have to look in different places.

She didnt tell her straight

She agreed to the op doing the initiation. If she had problems the leader should have said something.
Instead when op said that the new members were not doing the initiation, instead of managing the situation.

It sounds like the group leader had a rant and decided to kick op out of the whatsapp group.

I feel for you, OP. I mean, designing a new Potter character is a very divisive idea these days and will put a lot of people off, water pistols sound fun to me, but probably doesn't "fit" with a book club, and clinging on to old rules and dynamics is never going to work with a changing membership, but it's hard to adjust to change and sometimes you can get caught trying to preserve traditions and end up focusing on the wrong things.

It's bloody shit of them to remove you from the group chat, especially as the person in charge knows you're autistic. You might be better off finding a new club - not because you've "cocked up" at this one, but because they've not responded at all kindly to your disagreement, and you probably deserve better than that.

No, she's autistic. Hth.

And therefore the volunteer organiser of a creative writing and book group should be sufficiently educated about neurological-diverse people to accommodate the OP freaking out new members? Nope.

OP, it's really hard when your ND way of processing social interactions clashes with the perferred socialisation of NT people. I completely understand that to you the 'correct' name badges 'need to' match but you're just stressing out the rest of the club.

Being in the club for 15 years doesn't mean you can apply old traditions to newer members when no one else minds.