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Original poster

To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

399 replies

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:33

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 16:37

Have you taken the admin side on yourself, op? Because what sounds like an informal meet-up seems top heavy with leaders.

Group leader (what does she do?). Admin person making badges (what else do you do?)
So unnecessary and annoying.

Bellaboo01 · 08/02/2023 16:37

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:38

If I don’t do the admin nobody will and we end up with a room full of people that nobody knows. The group has been going downhill since Covid started, nobody takes it seriously anymore. The older members used to keep it running smoothly but since they left it’s all going tits up and I don’t want it to implode. It’s the only thing I look forward to each week :-(

Show quote history

This all sounds very odd and i'm hoping that this is a joke.

Of course no-one needs to go to a field to squirt each other with water guns in order to join a club. Also how is doing this proving that they are committed to the club and will stay? Out of interest - do you turn up with the buckets of water and water guns etc!? How strange.

What club is it?

HikingforScenery · 08/02/2023 16:38

CatJumperTwat · 08/02/2023 16:12

If this is real, I would give the group a miss for a couple of weeks. Sounds like tensions are running high and it will give everybody time to cool down and forget about the silly initiation rites etc.

Then when you do go back, I'd be quiet and spend a lot more time listening than speaking for a few weeks. Get a sense of what the group wants to be and roll with it instead of trying to make it what it was in 2006.

Probably part of OP’s routine so not easy to “take a couple of weeks off”.

OP, knowing you’re autistic makes everything clearer now.

Message the leader privately and ask for your own reassurance. I doubt you’ve been kicked out but it might help settle your mind.

i understand your need for structure but many don’t want it. How about providing printed off badges that people can hand write on the day? Same pen or you could write down their names, if they want.

AlbertaAnnie · 08/02/2023 16:39

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:42

The group is a book club/creative writing club. Tuesdays nights is reading and discussing, Thursday nights is writing.

it was unkind of her to remove you from the WhatsApp but in a gentle way you do sound way ott for this sort of group. Admin not really necessary and a initiation is definitely not. Please go to the group and enjoy it - don’t try and control it just have fun

Onnabugeisha · 08/02/2023 16:40

I’d show up and not message the leader, OP.

The group leader is shit.
Everything you proposed was a bit out there and the leader should have known that you don’t run a group by diktat and then blame the idea originator when the majority don’t like an idea and the group mutinies.

The leader should have put every proposal you had to a VOTE. They should never have tried to implement it like a dictator and then throw you under the bus afterwards.

She’s using you as a scapegoat. I think you need a new group leader.

ForeverAnonymous · 08/02/2023 16:42

I’d message the Leader and apologise. Let them know how you’ve been feeling and that you want to move on from it.
Let us know how it goes OP.

Toddlingturtle · 08/02/2023 16:43

Wtf you ask people to go and shoot water pistols for a book club and wonder why people don’t want to come back

ForeverAnonymous · 08/02/2023 16:43

Although it does all sound very strange if I’m honest.

AlbertaAnnie · 08/02/2023 16:44

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/02/2023 15:25

A lot of these groups are social occasions though - people don't just join book clubs to talk about books - they join to make friends and socialise with like-minded people. The books/writing are kind of a sideline.

Show quote history

indeed - my book club is about 90% wine and gossip and 10% book related

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/02/2023 16:46

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 16:07

It’s say to me that this group is truly at the end of their tether

Can't blame them. OP sounds like a right pain in the ass. Talk about sucking the fun out of things

LobeliaBaggins · 08/02/2023 16:48

I am in a book club where we focus entirely on the book or similar books, but people would quit if you made them do anything like this. Instead, we ask tehm to bring a list of books to read.

Am also in a writing club where we ask people to share their work and publishing experience before we admit them.

philautia · 08/02/2023 16:48

Wish people would read the full thread before commenting.

Moveoverdarlin · 08/02/2023 16:49

Why would you ever need to be out in the cold in a creative writing club? I can understand older people not venturing out in the cold. I’m 42 and don’t do exercise classes after work in the winter months because I don’t want to be out in the dark and cold. No one over the age of 9, will be interested in squirting water pistols in a car park. Especially for a book club! I thought you were going to say it was a medieval reenactment club!

OrigamiOwls · 08/02/2023 16:51

I'd be baffled if I tried to join a book club and had to agree to be squirted with a water pistol in a field.

Lincolnremain · 08/02/2023 16:51

Please be kind to this woman. She has been removed from a WhatsApp group and the group she has enjoyed being part of isn't how it used to be.

No need for the laughing and joking about it.

Don't be arseholes

Lincolnremain · 08/02/2023 16:52

She is autistic

PollyAmour · 08/02/2023 16:52

The book club I belong to is a joke, no-one even pretends to have read the assigned book and it's just an excuse for a 2 hour natter and a few gins. I don't mind the social aspect of it, but I enjoy reading and part of my enjoyment is discussing the book I've read with others who have also read it.

Go to your meeting tomorrow, accept that your initiation ideas were a bit bizarre, let the group leader take the reins and see if you can get back to enjoying it. If not, then find another book club. That's what I'm going to do.

Choconut · 08/02/2023 16:53

OP why don't you just message the leader and explain that due to being autistic you have a very black and white view of things and like things to be a certain way. You also struggle with change but love the group and would really like to still be involved and will drop the initiation idea.

I would recommend that you update things a bit - so with the names you could have a sheet of stickers for anyone new to write their name on for their first session so everyone knows they're new and what their name is. Drop the log books completely (or only give them to people who have been to 4 or 5 meetings if you think they are really necessary and used) and only add their photo when they've been to a certain number of meetings.

I hope you can work it all out OP, it's difficult though when things you love change and just aren't as good any more.

Lincolnremain · 08/02/2023 16:53

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Odile13 · 08/02/2023 16:53

OP - you sound well meaning but I think you probably have to accept that the group has changed and either you go along with the new dynamic or find another group. I know it’s not easy when something you’ve enjoyed changes and I hope you can find some resolution to it in your mind.

baffledcoconut · 08/02/2023 16:54

Kindly, has the leader before suggested it’s all a bit too much or tried to get things to change in the past? I have a feeling it may be because she’s at the end of her patience having suggested it’s all a little too much before. Do you struggle with social cues and people inferring things rather than telling you straight? I understand it’s a very important thing to do and it must be hard seeing it all change.

DottieUncBab · 08/02/2023 16:54

The new initiation ideas are terrible!! Especially the water pistol one!!

Glittertwins · 08/02/2023 17:00

To be honest, the whole set up sounds bizarre. Name badges which must match, log books and initiations? I'd be running for the hills, sorry. I'm not pinning a badge to my clothes and damaging them either

TheShellBeach · 08/02/2023 17:00

OP - please ignore posters on here who are just putting the boot in.

You're autistic and all the posts you've written need to be read with your autism in mind.

LuckyDipForTheEuro · 08/02/2023 17:00

I'd agree creative writing book clubs are more about having a coffee or a pint next to a roaring fire not running around outside. Might be worth asking someone else to do the admin as it sounds like it's winding you up and you deserve to enjoy the group as much as anyone. Perhaps only make a badge after a month of attendance/4 weeks worth? Hope you get it sorted OP x