Page 14 | To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

UnluckyPennsatucky · 2023-02-08T14:33:23+00:00

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments. What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks. So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top. So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter. Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun). So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park. Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!) I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too. I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years. Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

leithreas · 09/02/2023 00:08

And therefore the volunteer organiser of a creative writing and book group should be sufficiently educated about neurological-diverse people to accommodate the OP freaking out new members? Nope.

I think this is what it comes down to. The lady isn't the OPs manager or employer. She is a woman that wants to run a fun bookclub with like minded people. She told the OP that she is scaring people off. Maybe she didn't do it in the best way but the woman probably just wants to spend a few hours once a week shooting the shit with people who like books. Now she finds herself knee-deep in strange initiation ceremonies and having to deal with someone who wants to ban people that won't wear matching name badges.

If the leader was posting here people would be telling her that she doesn't get paid enough for this shit and to shut it down fast.

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/02/2023 00:59

Change can be hard and I can see why it's upsetting you. But people join clubs to have fun and people are not perfect, so conversations can divert to other topics. I think you are reasonable to expect people to read the book for the club and discuss it. But it sounds like other things may put people off. I'd scrap the initiation and badges and maybe add people's photo only after they've been attending the club more regularly.
But for now I'd apologise to the leader. And try to focus on your feelings and say you'll let go of the things that other members, old and new, don't enjoy.

Also the leader was out of order telling you hurtful things like people don't like you. You can definitely tell her how it made you feel, she can't argue with that. Hopefully she'll apologise.

RobertaFirmino · 09/02/2023 01:26

It's the water pistols that are the problem. You need supersoakers. Everyone likes a supersoaker. If you had a supersoaker fight you'd retain more members and you could even design a supersoaker for each HP character. Yes, you need a supersoaker instead.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/02/2023 01:44

You are trying to be the leader of the group and you aren’t. Changes happen and are good it’s time to accept that.
if you can’t then it’s time to take a step back, I’m not surprised they blocked you to be honest what you suggested is for a teenagers group not an adult book club. Go there as planned but you need to apologise to the group and the leader, explain it’s got to your head and you need to take a step back.

Desertbarncat · 09/02/2023 03:38

I think it sounds like lighthearted fun, to be honest, I don’t understand the reactions from some of the people on here. I truly hope things work out for you and you continue to enjoy the club.

Valeriekat · 09/02/2023 03:59

Charge an annual fee to be allowed to attend the club. Don't do the admin until you have payment.

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 05:58

Valeriekat · 09/02/2023 03:59

Charge an annual fee to be allowed to attend the club. Don't do the admin until you have payment.

This.is. A. Book. Club

annual fee? 😂

Valeriekat · 09/02/2023 06:05

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 05:58

This.is. A. Book. Club

annual fee? 😂

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Yes, why not...it doesn't have to be much just an admin fee of a few quid but it will make people think about whether they want to make a commitment or not. No need to be so rude. The fact that it is a book club wasn't mentioned in the earlier posts.
I don't see why you feel it necessary to be so unpleasant.

FeelingGuiltyandConfused · 09/02/2023 06:10

Good luck OP, I am so sorry you've been treated. Being removed from a group by the people in the book club and had people mocking you hear too.
You sound interesting and fun.

BMrs · 09/02/2023 06:39

Glitteratitar · 08/02/2023 14:37

Without knowing what your group is and how keen people will be to join, I agree that the initiation idea is bad and will put off new members.

However, all they have to do is scrap the idea. Not treat you like an outcast. That’s really not ok. I agree with pp that you carry on as a member and drop the admin role.

Exactly this!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/02/2023 06:45

Exactly this!

But OP doesn't want to change it. That's the problem. Even to the point on badges being worn, if people didn't want to she didn't want them to be able to come in. I'm not surprised people have lost their patience.

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 07:11

Valeriekat · 09/02/2023 06:05

Yes, why not...it doesn't have to be much just an admin fee of a few quid but it will make people think about whether they want to make a commitment or not. No need to be so rude. The fact that it is a book club wasn't mentioned in the earlier posts.
I don't see why you feel it necessary to be so unpleasant.

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And who pockets this admin? What is this admin actually spent on?!

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 07:12

The fact that it is a book club wasn't mentioned in the earlier posts.

id assumed you’d read the OP’s posts before posting yourself

MichelleScarn · 09/02/2023 07:53

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/02/2023 06:45

Exactly this!

But OP doesn't want to change it. That's the problem. Even to the point on badges being worn, if people didn't want to she didn't want them to be able to come in. I'm not surprised people have lost their patience.

And it's meant to be a fun, down time activity.

I doubt there's many people who would want to come along to what should be a nice relaxing evening activity to get turned away as they don't want to run about outside or stand about outside and get squirted with water, or because they don't have what one member has arbitrary decided is a particular name badge.
I am absolutely sure there may be groups that are happy to run like that OP or you could set up your own?

IamnotSethRogan · 09/02/2023 08:00

Why don't you just not do the administration until they've been there a certain period of time ?

How did you react when people didn't do the initiation? That might be more why you've been kicked out of the WhatsApp chat.

Rogue1001MNer · 09/02/2023 08:03

Good luck today @UnluckyPennsatucky

I hope you DO go, and I hope it goes ok and you still enjoy it.

I agree with this comment from upthread-
I think you have two choices: contact the other leaders of the club to apologise and say that you will try to be more friendly to new members, or leave and find/start a different club that is more how you like it.

My heart hurts for you a little bit. I hope it resolves for you

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 08:32

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 07:11

And who pockets this admin? What is this admin actually spent on?!

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Penguins, presumably? 😁

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 08:34

Desertbarncat · 09/02/2023 03:38

I think it sounds like lighthearted fun, to be honest, I don’t understand the reactions from some of the people on here. I truly hope things work out for you and you continue to enjoy the club.

But it doesn't to the people it's being foisted on, so...

Eleganz · 09/02/2023 08:38

IamnotSethRogan · 09/02/2023 08:00

Why don't you just not do the administration until they've been there a certain period of time ?

How did you react when people didn't do the initiation? That might be more why you've been kicked out of the WhatsApp chat.

This.

I run a type of youth group and we don't do the full paperwork until they've turned up a few times and shown a bit of commitment. The hazing ritual is just totally weird.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/02/2023 11:40

OP - my first job was with a mail order company. Our delivery policy was a delivery charge per order - so if one of your items was out of stock, it was just sent on later at no extra charge.

At one point we started having serious issues with stock from certain suppliers. Our management team decided to change the policy so that, if you one of your items was out of stock, you paid a second delivery charge (half the main cost) to receive it later. The company folded a couple of months later.

Why am I telling you this? Because you’re doing what they did - identifying the problem, but tackling it from completely the wrong angle. Your book/writing club’s problem is that, while you can attract new members, you struggle to keep them. What you need to be doing is looking at what’s going wrong with the club that means no one wants to stay. Instead, you’ve decided the problem is that all the members you’re attracting are terribly flaky people and that you need to make it as difficult as possible to join - to make sure you attract the ‘right’ kind of people. Just as my bosses made an already disappointing experience for the customer worse by charging them extra for it (when they could have looked at why our supply chain was failing), you want to blame the new members instead of the club.

You admit that you have fought to keep badges nobody else wants. Not only have you pushed to keep them, you’ve tried to say people can’t attend without them. Think about that logically. To be part of a supposedly fun club, people have to remember to bring a badge they don’t even want every time they come. Where is the fun bit?

The club leader has let you down by not being straight with you. She’s been pussyfooting around saying “Ooh yes, that could be a nice idea” and then saying “Well actually, on reflection…” or similar to humour you, in the hope you’ll take the hint. She probably thought she was being kind, but she utterly misjudged it. Now she’s gone to the other extreme by dropping you from the WhatsApp group, which feels extra cruel.

You need to decide whether you think this is salvageable, or whether you’d like to find something else you enjoy more, keeping the old-style book club as a lovely memory. Because one thing that is not going to happen is a return to the old days. It just isn’t, ever. You need to accept that and either adapt, or decide it’s time to go. Personally I think you should do the latter. I don’t see you ever enjoying it to the same level you once did. But make a decision based on reality, not fantasy.

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 11:44

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/02/2023 11:40

OP - my first job was with a mail order company. Our delivery policy was a delivery charge per order - so if one of your items was out of stock, it was just sent on later at no extra charge.

At one point we started having serious issues with stock from certain suppliers. Our management team decided to change the policy so that, if you one of your items was out of stock, you paid a second delivery charge (half the main cost) to receive it later. The company folded a couple of months later.

Why am I telling you this? Because you’re doing what they did - identifying the problem, but tackling it from completely the wrong angle. Your book/writing club’s problem is that, while you can attract new members, you struggle to keep them. What you need to be doing is looking at what’s going wrong with the club that means no one wants to stay. Instead, you’ve decided the problem is that all the members you’re attracting are terribly flaky people and that you need to make it as difficult as possible to join - to make sure you attract the ‘right’ kind of people. Just as my bosses made an already disappointing experience for the customer worse by charging them extra for it (when they could have looked at why our supply chain was failing), you want to blame the new members instead of the club.

You admit that you have fought to keep badges nobody else wants. Not only have you pushed to keep them, you’ve tried to say people can’t attend without them. Think about that logically. To be part of a supposedly fun club, people have to remember to bring a badge they don’t even want every time they come. Where is the fun bit?

The club leader has let you down by not being straight with you. She’s been pussyfooting around saying “Ooh yes, that could be a nice idea” and then saying “Well actually, on reflection…” or similar to humour you, in the hope you’ll take the hint. She probably thought she was being kind, but she utterly misjudged it. Now she’s gone to the other extreme by dropping you from the WhatsApp group, which feels extra cruel.

You need to decide whether you think this is salvageable, or whether you’d like to find something else you enjoy more, keeping the old-style book club as a lovely memory. Because one thing that is not going to happen is a return to the old days. It just isn’t, ever. You need to accept that and either adapt, or decide it’s time to go. Personally I think you should do the latter. I don’t see you ever enjoying it to the same level you once did. But make a decision based on reality, not fantasy.

Excellent post.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/02/2023 11:48

@WomanStanleyWoman2 makes really good points.

milkyaqua · 09/02/2023 12:32

As the group leader agrees to one thing and then changes her mind, I would just show up as if you thought nothing had happened and she didn't mean to remove you from the Whatsapp. Also, just go along to the club and let the admin lie for now - someone else can do it, or not. I am sorry you have been treated meanly at your pleasurable outing.

R2G · 09/02/2023 12:42

I wouldn't join a book club that squirted me to join or made me do art. Or wear a name badge. Or took my photo. I'd like to just be in a group and know what the book is or writing piece is. I would also like it in a cafe where I can buy a coffee or a place where you can make one.
I think you should just go along, and at the end say sorry I think I'm not the right person to do the admin any more but I'd like to still attend. The week after if you are not back in the WhatsApp ask to be put back in.
The manager is very wrong for saying people don't like you. I wouldn't want to do initiation but that wouldn't mean I don't like you as a person or can join in book discussions with you

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 12:46

Did anyone actually ask you to do all this "admin" malarkey in the first place, op, or was it all your own idea?
It sounds unnecessary, and if you're getting annoyed at the faff of doing it for people who don't appreciate it, can't you just stop it altogether?
Nobody needs their photo displayed on a board, it's not playschool.