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Original poster

To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

399 replies

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:33

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

OP posts:
Lincolnremain · 08/02/2023 17:01

No idea why my post was deleted when I was just calling out the bullying that is going on on this thread

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/02/2023 17:02

I think you are fixating on things which are of great importance to you and an irritation to others and you need to stop, if you want to remain part of this group.

I understand why you want to keep some of the original spirit of the group but honestly the initiation stuff and a lot of the rituals would be a huge turnoff to most people. I love a book group but not in a million years would I agree to stand in a field and be squirted with water.

You are failing to see the wood for the trees. None of this peripheral stuff is of any consequence to anyone except you. You need to decide what matters most: do you want a sociable community of people meeting to discuss books or do you want a weird, controlling and somewhat childish cult?

I’m sorry to be blunt because it’s clearly upset you but you stand to lose your connection to the group altogether if you force people to go through this.

Phatgurlslym · 08/02/2023 17:05

You sound very creative, but I am afraid that you are taking your creativity too far. I would not join a book club/creative writing club that had any kind of initiation rite. The only appropriate initiation is to ask the prospective member to write a critique of someone's creative writing (with a word limit). Or to present a book report on their favourite book.

DialsMavis · 08/02/2023 17:05

The message the posyer suggested a few pages back is perfect. If the group leader is nice about it I would go back and try and enjoy the group for what it is now for a few weeks.and see where you are. If they continue to exclude you, then move on as they have not treated you nicely and the club has clearly changed beyond recognition from the one you loved.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 08/02/2023 17:06

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:42

The group is a book club/creative writing club. Tuesdays nights is reading and discussing, Thursday nights is writing.

Not RTFT but these are like the opposite people to ones that would enjoy fighting with water in the cold and dark!!

billybear · 08/02/2023 17:11

cant new members just name address and email etc for first few visits to see if they like it, what sort of club is it a gun club lol.go and say you no longer have the time for the admin just want to be a member. let someone else do the admin if they are any better than you,hold your head up high

BigotSpigot · 08/02/2023 17:13

This does sound like a situation where your autism is causing you difficulties in how you relate to the group and the leader isn't being helpful or clear with you which is a great shame. I think the advice above to step back from the admin, go for a few weeks and see how you feel about the group is very good. It may be the case that the group has changed beyond recognition and you need to look for another creative outlet, perhaps one that is more neurodiverse.

chatcbt · 08/02/2023 17:23

Op I'm autistic too and I understand the wanting things to be the way they always were re the badges etc.

The initiation idea is my idea of hell and not something I could do.

elm26 · 08/02/2023 17:28

katseyes7 · 08/02/2023 15:07

You should make them run naked over hot coals while other members hit them with sticks.
😂

I'm crying 😂😂😂

elm26 · 08/02/2023 17:30

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 08/02/2023 15:15

Penguins??? Oh please say they're real and not biscuits....

I'm 6 months pregnant and just peed a little bit laughing at this thread especially this 🤣🤣🤣

Goldpaw · 08/02/2023 17:31

UnluckyPennsatucky · 08/02/2023 14:42

The group is a book club/creative writing club. Tuesdays nights is reading and discussing, Thursday nights is writing.

No wonder new members are put off by Harry Potter and water squirting!!!!

Winter2020 · 08/02/2023 17:31

Hi OP,
I understand it is hard for you to deal with the changes that have taken place in your book group.

You care about the matching badges/log books but unfortunately most people won't. Further than that they might actually resent being forced to wear them. If the members feel names are needed a sticker with the name wrote on or a little place card if you are around a table is plenty but people may prefer to just get to know each others names more naturally.

The important part of the book group is to make people feel welcome (not banning them for not wearing their badge) and for people to enjoy it and yes to have some focus on the book some of the time otherwise people might get bored like yourself.

I would cut people some slack if they have not read the book as long as they respect others discussing it. Imagine if the person that had not read the book was a carer for their parent or partner with dementia for example, they could only make it out for an hour due to someone else taking over the care for an hour and it had been a rough week and they had not had chance to read the book, or a parent whose child had a sickness bug, or someone feeling low and unmotivated. They haven't read the book but that hour out with other people could still mean a lot to them. I would try not to judge as you don't know what goes on behind the scenes in other peoples lives. Perhaps if someone chairs the meeting they could gently bring it back to the book if discussion goes too far from the book for too long. People probably do want time for social chit chat though about anything and everything.

I think you need to remember that a book group serves several purposes for most people. As well as discussing the book they want to socialise and have a bit of general chit chat/bonding too.

I wonder if a facebook group for your book club (which can be a closed group restricted to your members) might help to provide the community that you are looking for. It would have to be optional as not everyone wants to use facebook.

CaptainMerica · 08/02/2023 17:32

Most of the clubs I have been a member of let you come along for the first month or so with no commitment, and then you can decide whether to become a member or give up. Wouldn't that reduce the admin burden?

I like the badge idea, it sounds like it was a nice group, but perhaps not very open to incomers?

Daisymaker · 08/02/2023 17:33

I would drop the admin and just go and enjoy your group

BurtonsRevenge · 08/02/2023 17:34

This approach is absolutely mental.
It was more mental when I read "I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years.", and thought you were asking members of a running club to make up a Harry Potter character but its still ridiculous even in a better context !

CustardySergeant · 08/02/2023 17:36

Do the penguins have to wear a badge or are they exempt?

AliceOlive · 08/02/2023 17:37

Re:the admin work - I would just wait until people had visited the club 4 times to make the badges, etc. No other initiation required.

Cosyblankets · 08/02/2023 17:38

With all due respect OP I think you need to lighten up. Badges that no one wants. Not allowed to talk about anything else. It all seems like hard work

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 17:38

Can someone explain the penguins? I'll be so disappointed if they turn out to be biscuits. I was imagining the badges to be little replicas of the Penguin book motif.

Mirabai · 08/02/2023 17:39

This sounds so much like a lost Victoria Wood sketch.

Winter2020 · 08/02/2023 17:41

I hope you can get back to enjoying your book club OP but it occurred to me another activity that you might also enjoy could be joining a society that does historical re-enactment. You could research and act with others that probably are into historical research and attention to detail.

Greenpolkadot · 08/02/2023 17:42

It's a book club..and you want them to squirt water at each to prove they are serious ?
God almighty..

Mammajay · 08/02/2023 17:43

Surely all you need to do is wait a few weeks before doing the admin when people have shown commitment. I have been in both book reading and writing groups and would resent the harry potter task and no way do the water squirting

frami · 08/02/2023 17:48

Not everyone who likes reading is a Harry Potter fan you know? I have an Englisish literature degree but am not a fan. As for water pistols at dawn - words fail me!

Kitkatfiend31 · 08/02/2023 17:49

If I don’t do the admin nobody will and we end up with a room full of people that nobody knows. The group has been going downhill since Covid started, nobody takes it seriously anymore. The older members used to keep it running smoothly but since they left it’s all going tits up and I don’t want it to implode. It’s the only thing I look forward to each week :-(

You want the club to stay as it was but the club has changed. A club is the group of people and should run as the majority want it to. It's hard when things change but you need to accept it. I am seeing this from the other side and 'because that's how it's always been done' isn't a good enough reason for it to continue that way. Embrace the change or find a new club/hobby.