I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

[MediationNotWorking]

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

Their demands are frankly nuts.

I don't think I EVER had one-on-one time with my paternal grandmother as a child (we spent weekends at hers with my dad, or we went over for the day with my dad, and yet she's probably the grandparent I have the closest relationship with. There is absolutely no reason why they can't come over for tea midweek, or be content with having you both over for lunch.

A whole week of holiday with one grandparent... I'd definitely have found that a bit much as a child. There's just no need for it.

Petitioning the court is just next-level nuts.

What is it with these mental grandparents and their ‘alone time’? Second thread going at the moment!

WTF. You have explained the custody situation. They sound like selfish controlling arseholes. My daughter has 50/50 custody with my DGD dad. I see her a lot at the moment because she lives with us but when DD gets her own place i will make myself available to see my DGD when it is best for DD not when it is best for me. I would never demand visitation rights.

Reasonable weekly contact for most grandparents is popping round for tea on a Weds and staying on to read the bedtime story, walking round the activity farm as a family on a Saturday, inviting your child and their children for a Sunday roast.
Not trying their best to get their daughter hauled into court for breaching a CAO. They need help, and not from a mediator.

Your parents tried to take you to court? You know this isn't normal, don't you? Cut them out and enjoy time with your children guilt-free.

Can you ask the mediator to write a report on their behaviour in mediation? The shouting, aggressive behaviour, demanding you go against the CAO etc? Then I'd stop mediation on the basis of their behaviour and tbh I'd be done with them.

I can't see them getting what they want in court. You can say you only have them 2 weekends a month as it is due to the CAO and cite all the medical appointments etc that DC need to go to. 2 weekends a month is only 4 days, they are seperated. To give them a night each would take away half your time with them! You've offered contact, they have refused it because they want 'alone time'. That will look really bad to a judge. Keep a record of all offered contact and their refusal.

I'd say no, because

a) this is bananas, and

b) what sort of model does that show your DC of adult / parent relationships? That a child becomes disposable as soon as they've had their own child? Hell no.

Does your son even know them? Why would you send him off to virtual strangers without you there?

They make no effort to call or FaceTime but expect you to drop everything to fit in with their demands? They sounds like wankers to be honest. Sorry for the language.

They could pop around for cake and tea after school, suggest a trip to the park... a myriad of things. And sort out their schedule between themselves so that they don't have to see each other.

I think what's actually going on is that one of them wants to 'win' who gets to spend more time with your DS and unfortunately, you're both in the cross fire.

I'd tell them both to bugger off and that they don't deserve to be grandparents until they sort themselves out.

Just keep doing what you're doing. I think someone mentioned the "Grey Rock" technique so try this. They tried to take you to court!!!!

“They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays”

They did what?! They are insane. Stick to your guns and do what you feel is best for you and your child.

Good grief, both your parents are stark raving bonkers and unbelievably selfish pulling this stunt rather than supporting their daughter!

Regular sleepovers and taking him for holidays during termtime? Nah. Just say "Sorry it doesn't work for us at all". End of.

If either of them live nearby, suggest they help during weekday mornings / evenings. They can have him before school instead of breakfast club, and/or before/after evening clubs, and drive him.

That's called being a hands-on, helpful grandparent. Not this selfish bleating.

@Zaliea Have seen this with several of my parents friends and friends parents…. it works well which is why I suggested it.

Maturity and prioritisation of the child is involved.

They took you to court and you are still in contact with them?!

Seriously you need to cut all contact immediately. How did it get this far without you telling them to get to fuck?

The fact that they BOTH, separately, just yelled at the mediator when he or she said not to violate the CAO…
Are they rich?
Are they part of the aristocracy?
Is there some other reason they would believe the law doesn’t apply to them and that they should have access to whatever they want, including your child, @MediationNotWorking ?

Because this goes way beyond just abusive (which of course they are). You should probably be on the Stately Homes thread, to get some help for what they’ve put you through all your life. I’m trying to understand why they believe the British justice system just wouldn’t apply to them at all; grandparents don’t automatically have rights in the UK, you can’t just violate a CAO, and it sounds like they don’t even have a relationship with your son anyway (they don’t try to call or FaceTime him, etc). And no court is going to understand why they only want him alone and refuse to come to your house for tea to see him or do after school care. If anything, that looks like a huge red flag.

This is bonkers.

Any adult, parent or otherwise, who had enough disrespect for me and my parenting to try and take me to court over it, to try to get me to break a court order over it, would have no alone time with my child. None.

Who knows what poison they'd be putting in their ear.

I think you need to distance yourself.

And if that means you're cut off, well, it'll save you the bother.

It's all about them. Not you or their grandchild.

Distance and then drop/block

I'm another who would absolutely cut all contact with them both and not allow a second with my child.

Abusive bastards.

Questions:

-What reason do they give for not wanting you there when they see DC?

That question is key for the mediation and they need to come up with a reasonable answer in order to explain their list of unreasonable requests.

-That aside, are you legally obligated to go through mediation with your parents? Because if not, I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t worry about it.

I honestly can not see what you are getting out of this relationship with your parents. They threaten court action, tell you to break a court order, don’t actually want to see you just your son…the list is endless. They both show you no respect.

i would cut them both out and not look back. They can make all the threats they want no court is going to give them contact under these circumstances. Move on and enjoy the time you get with your son without giving them a second thought.

This situation is wrong on so many levels

May I ask if the mediation is court required ? Is there a penalty to you if you refuse ? What do the mediators expect to achieve on the 2nd round of mediation that didn't happen at the 1st. If there is no repercussions for you if you refuse, I suggest you tell the mediator what you're happy to offer, (eg dinner after school once a month with you both / Sunday tea once a month with you both) and that's that. No more mediation - asked and answered.

If you have to take part in mediation, or it ends in court (WTF !) have you considered requesting shuttle mediation - I think that's what's it's called. Where the parties are in separate offices and the mediator goes between the 2 communicating their positions. Would be a lot less stressful.

I hope they are paying all the fees associated with the mediation! If not definitely stop

If you do have contact with them again, grey rock the whole situation. Don't bite any any threat, nasty comment or otherwise unpleasant bile they may spew your way.
THEY are choosing to have less time with your children by refusing to visit in the week while you're at home. They're valuing their (weird) need for alone time with the children above the need to see their grandchild, spend time with them, play with them, speak to them and bond with them. That's their decision.
THEY are the adults who cannot be in a room together, despite the fact that they could surely act civil for the sake of their grandchild. This immediately halves any time they do get to spend with the grandchild as if you could see them both in one go, they'd both get to spend time with your child.

This is THEIR choosing and they're kicking off because you're parenting your child on your terms, not theirs. You OBVIOUSLY want to spend every spare second you have with your children, they're your babies! You're their mother! You're the one who carried them for 9 months, delivered them into the world, fed them, raised them, taught them, helped them grow and develop. You should not be deprived of any time with your children that you want to spend with them because the grandparents insist that their rights come above yours as the child's mother - THEY DON'T! Grandparents don't have rights to access in the UK!

Please seriously consider going no-contact with your parents OP, they seem toxic, manipulative and emotionally abusive. I wouldn't want my child exposed to those sorts of people. Their desperation to get your children alone and away from you is a red flag.

Drop the rope and show them just how unreasonable you can be, also. They should be supporting you, not trying to make your life all about themselves.

They don’t sound like loving parents. Honestly if it was me I’d cut all ties with them. What sort of parents takes their own daughter to mediation 😡

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants

At this point I think I'd have taken them up on that offer, and told them you won't commit to the level of contact and walked off, in the hope they keep to their word and cut you off forever

I don't understand why they don't try to help you instead of causing you so much angst.