I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

[MediationNotWorking]

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

What to stop them from have DC in the week? I have exactly the same situation as you, however my parents are more flexible than yours! My Dad collects him from school 2 days a week and takes him out for tea then back to my house. My Mum has him overnight every Thursday and may pop in on other days in the week if she’s free. Both take him away in the 6 week holidays for a week. Both work full time, though so have flexibility with their hours. They respect my weekend time and still get time with their grandchild, seems like your parents are being unnecessarily awkward!

sounds like the mediation will fail. Repeat your offer of visiting the child at home once a month, and 1 day in summer vacation to be agreed at least 2 months in advance subject to change if it clashes with a short-notice Medical appointment.

if they don’t agree they can take you to court.

If they go NC with you it’s cutting of their own nose as that will damage their chance of seeing dc with your cooperation. So it sounds like a bullying and rather empty threat.

Your parents are horrible. Seeing them in the week when they come to you is a decent offer. Plus once a month visit on your weekend but difficult as they aren't able to see you together. I see my pil and parents monthly to 6 weekly

I'd give up on them. Don't be blackmailed. Are they even nice to you?

As soon as court was threatened I'd have cut contact. You're giving them far more than I would, and far more than they deserve.

They're bullying you and your child is witnessing it - which is awful for any child to experience.

If you can't cut them off for yourself, do it for your child.

Jesus christ they sound psychotic! They took you to court. Both. Independently. For an unsupervised contact arrangement. Your dad wants court ordered permission to take your child out of school and out of the country against your will. Is he off his fucking head?!

you'd never see your kid during term time! They'd spend a weekend at dad's, a weekend at grandma's, a weekend at dad's, a weekend at grandads. And repeat. You, the child mother and primary care giver, would never spend a day with your child.

Fuck me. I'd tell them one can see you Tuesday between 4 and 8 and the other Thursday 4-8 at your house. Take it or leave it. No overnights. No unsupervised. Come or don't come.

Jesus Christ OP they sound horrendous.

So they won't come to your house, they won't be together so you have two lots of visiting to manage and they don't care if your Ex is aggravated or you're more stressed by their demands? Weirdly selfish and unreasonable.

If they want a week each in the summer holidays would that help you or be too much, seeing as you want holiday time with DC and your Ex may too?

There is no way on God's earth I would let them take your dcs out of the country

www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/4720593-exh-contesting-the-will?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4485143-Going-from-EOW-for-1-night-to-50-50-preparing-myself?

You don't have much luck with people taking you to court, do you?

Why are they so keen for you not to be present whenn they have the child? That's weird.

Your parents have no business doing this and I would actually be inclined to keep things exactly as they are and make no further effort. Instead of supporting you during a difficult time they are making it worse for you and that’s unforgivable

What dreadful people. You're clearly already under a lot of pressure, what the hell sort of parents then try and make your life even harder?! They need a wake up call. Tell them the level of stress they are putting you under is breaking you and you will have to go no contact unless they change their ways. And in the break consider whether you need to permanently make a break from them. Nothing is worth this pressure on your no-doubt already frazzled mind.

I don't know anything about UK law but I would worry that entertaining their desires, by going to mediation, sets a precedent that you DO think they have some sort of legal right to regular access to your child, no matter whether that works or not for you. And that if, in mediation, you agree to any sort of regular visitation with them, and documentation of their "right" to such, that, if anything in your life changes, you'll be stuck with the burden of providing your child for visitation with the grandparents. Some of the things they are requesting are so over-the-top, I wonder if it isn't better to just have the mediators (presumably these are professional mediators) simply document how unreasonable your parents are being (asking to take your child away for a week's holiday during term time? what a lack of consideration for your child's welfare) and how reasonable you are being, and how much is being laid on your shoulders from ALL sides (no child maintenance from child's father) and don't agree to any visitation at all. I'm worried that any visitation you formally agree to with the grandparents will become a "camel's nose under the tent" to get more and more legally agreed visitation, making your life more and more complicated and giving your parents further control over you.

What the hell? If my DC grandparents said they would not see my DC while I’m there with them they would never see them again. Never.

They are horrible! They don't even want to see their own child. Why? Why do they only want to see your son and not you?

I'd be telling them both to fuck off.

You need to be limiting your ds's access to his grandparents, not pandering to them via mediation. They are not going to be a good influence on him, and the fact they don't want to see him on your terms (ie. you inviting them round after school) and only want him at their convenience and without you there tells me everything about them- they are trying to control you through him.

I believe this is horrible for you as you want somewhat of a family bond for your DC but also think what will be best for your child
Is your child asking for granny/granddad?
How is your child behaving around them?

You are being forced to agree to an arrangement that does not suit you at best and estrange you from your own child at worst.

If your parents want to go NC over this that just proves the point. It's not about spending time with DC its about who is holding the power over you.

@MediationNotWorking did your parents play tug or war over you during/post divorce? To have one parent make these kind of demands on you with regard to your DC is unusual but to have both of them, separately pursuing something for which (I believe) there is no legal basis is really really strange and it very much appears to me as though it actually has nothing to do with having a relationship with their DGC and everything to do with one upmanship. Is there any possibility that's what's going on? I am all for great relationships with DGP but they are just making your life harder so I would be inclined to go no contact - none of this seems to be in your/DC's best interest.

If my parents went to court to get access when all you are trying to do is keep to the court order with your Ex Husband, I wouldn’t wait for them to cut me off…make the first move and cut them off. How awful they are if they cant see how hard your working for your DC, no help from your Ex and you hardly get any quality time with your own DC.

I’d just cut them off full stop till they can grow up! Also, why does your Dad need a week with your DC? I wouldn’t want our grandparents taking my kids away for a week (great relationships all round but still wouldn’t say yes to that). They sound horrible!

Agree!

This

Hey OP! As a child, despite my parents being together my DM had a very difficult relationship with my DGM due to DGM's poor parenting. They had (and still have) a fractured relationship but my DM let my DGM pick me up from school and take me to afterschool clubs which meant we got "alone time" and my DGM wasn't always harassing my DM to let her come over every day.

I was going to suggest this would work in your case until I read further and saw they took you to Court despite the fact they do have contact with your children.

You are the parent, you are providing as much contact as you can for them in difficult circumstances and you're doing the best they can. If they're unable to respect your wishes and threaten to cut them off if you don't abide by their terms, I'd be tempted to take that offer and say adios!

"No worries! I've offered you more time to spend with my children including inviting you to my house to see them and enjoy their company, but as you don't want to be in my presence while doing so I simply cannot do more to facilitate your need to regularly be alone with my children. I understand you will cut off contact from me forever due to this, which is unfortunate, but I will respect your wishes. Take care! And then block on everything forever.

I would say to both of them - formally ahead of the first mediation (because a big part of this is getting one over on each other i expect)- that dc has 78 days a year with dad and 195 school days. (I'm assuming in scouting he will loose another 2-3 days twice a year to camp?)

That leaves you 92 days with him yourself. If you gave them 1 day a month (24 days), 1 additional day per holiday week (13 each- 26) taking off another 50 leaves you with 42 days a year to spend with the child you birthed, (house and soley pay for) as well as squeezing all his medical appointments into that time which sound significant- is utterly selfish on their part and will destroy all the relationships DC has with anyone as the poor kid wouldnt know where he was or who he could rely on. It would mean his dad would become his primary contact as he spends more time there than with you and if he had anything about him he would seek full custody for the kid given that crap.

I would say that there will be no further mediation as you are not prepared to commit to regular time to either of them. Let them take it to court. In the UK they would not stand a chance - no grandparent has ever succeeded.

I would then ditch the Saturdays they don't appreciate it. I would offer them 1 weeknight dinner a piece per month with you both. If they don't take this up then that is up to them, however I wouldn't formalise the offer nor would I make it regular so they can attempt to formalise. Then I would walk away. If they don't accept for 3 months running then don't offer on the 4th. Maybe try again on the 5th, 5th and 6th not accepted contact ceases. They can't say you haven't given them a fair go.

Can you imagine behaving like this towards your own child?

It’s absolutely insane behaviour. I would be thinking seriously as to if you want these people around your dc.

Do not give into any demands from them. I also wouldn’t waste time in mediation as it sounds like they don’t particularly want to meditate.

I think the moment they started court action would be the moment that they stopped seeing either you or your child.

Your dad cutting your off! I would have laughed in his face.

The fact he can even threaten that means you are not going to get anything anyway.

(My mother did the same but I already had seen her will and I wasn’t getting anything any way and I did laugh in her face)

Tbh how much easier would your life be without them around.
Weigh this up against the stress you are feeling.

Stop dancing to their tune. The fact they shouted at the mediator suggests what type of people they are.
I’ve got money so you do as I say.

I think you are probably so used to their ways and trying to keep the peace and bending yourself over backwards to appease them that you don’t realise the abuse and physical and mental strain that they are putting you through.