I’m stopping them being grandparents apparently but I don’t know what else I can do?

[MediationNotWorking]

DC is 8, and the only grandchild of my parents.

I am divorced and DC spends EOWend Friday to Sunday with ExH, this is court ordered. ExH refuses to see DC in the week so this is their only time together. I do not ask for a change to contact unless I have a very specific valid reason and can “repay” the contact at a later date.

I work FT across 4 days, ExH pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing at all (he lives on fresh air – or more likely out of his parents bank accounts). I use my day off to do appointments for DCs medical condition.
I feel like I hardly see DC in term time/the week. They’re in breakfast club every morning from 7.30am, and then 2 nights a week stay late at school for clubs, they also do scouting one another night a week – I would never ever stop these, DC loves them and gets so much out of them plus it would be being stopped for selfish reasons.

But that means EOWend is protected time. I want to spend time with my DC, take them places or help with their homework or just chill out at home because I basically pay to sleep there in the week.

I know this is typical for many single parents.

My parents hate it. They’re not together anymore so I already have to split myself in two sometimes as they won’t be in a room together. I try and see them both 1 Saturday a month for a couple of hours, sometimes that’s during the weekends DC is with their dad, sometimes I have DC with me.

Both have said it’s disgusting, I should be letting DC stay overnight with them and if that interferes with their contact with their dad then so be it because ExH refuses to do any of the grunt work. They tell me regularly that no-one is going to take DC off me because I stop them going to see ExH.

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

It didn’t go to court but there was mediation and neither parent could understand why I can’t commit anymore time than I have. Neither of them have seen DC since Christmas (Mum Christmas Day dad Christmas Eve) because I’ve
just not got the time, I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch my breath and never see my own DC. I have refused both proposals.

Both have said I am stopping them from being proper grandparents, and dads threatened to “cut me off forever with no going back” if I don’t commit to the level of contact he wants.

I will add the mediator both times tell them that I should not ignore the CAO, and they (different ones for mum and dad) did not advise me to do that as it could land me seeing DC even less – and both shouted at the mediator saying it wasn’t fair to them. No resolution was reached in mediation for either.

So what can I do? I can’t do much else? But this stress is crippling me, I need a resolution. Any ideas? I have mediation again next week with one and the week after with the other.

The only times I got alone with my grandparents, as a child,or was a weekend or two in the summer holidays. Otherwise it was always as a family. They are making it doubly difficult to see the children as they won't be in a room together. Why can't they come to your house and see them? They seem totally unreasonable and unstable.

Their behaviour really isn't normal. Do you actually trust them? From what you've written jt sounds like you shouldn't?

Do your children ever express a wish to go and see them?

I'd seriously be thinking about cutting off, I know that sounds drastic but they tried to take you to court!

My step mum is a bit like this. She has her other DGC for weeks at a time over the holidays, and they are hoot to do that. My DD loves them and her cousins, but isn’t ready for days at a time away from me. She’s 6, but a young 6 and an only child, and covid has affected her confidence, she was 3 when lockdown hit. This week it was said that I “wouldn’t let her” take DD for 5-7 days on a caravan holiday. I was very clear that I would allow it, she simply isn’t ready and doesn’t want to. The entitlement and opinion of some grandparents is off the scale.

Just no your spread too thin and yes I would cut them off if they didn't cut it out go ahead and go to court no court will cut yours or dad's limited time

They are YOUR CHILDREN not their possession

Your life sounds busy and a real juggle. Where is there empathy and help/care towards you. Maybe helping with school runs and clubs would have made your life easier. Why would they want to see the grandchild without you! Completely bizarre. If my parents took me to court I would cut them off. It sounds like there are a few people including your child’s dad telling you what to do. Maybe you need to consider what works best for you!

What do you and your DC get out of this relationship?

I'm usually very conciliatory, but honestly this is looking very weird. I know it's your normal.

What did the mediators say to you afterwards, did they give you any feedback?

There's likely a reason you were vulnerable to getting in a relationship with and unsuitable man. They have prevented you developing healthy boundaries.

Keep your DC safe from their shenanigans. Keep contact minimal.

My father was so hands on with ferrying to appointments, taking to hobbies after school and offering to take away in the holidays. He even turned up at the MOT centre early one morning to take me to work as he wanted to help out (I was surprised he was there as it was n't arranged or asked for)and make sure as a single parent I got an easier life - quite frankly it was marvellous

What do your parents do to help, because helping ensures you build a natural relationship with grandchildren. I don't mean taking over or being overbearing, just naturally being on hand to offer and assist

They may be using you and dc as a weapon against each other, too.

Jesus. Let them cut you off, you'll be better off.

Grandparents are not essential. And better no grandparent than a bad one.

I grew up with one, and he died when I was 34. It's a shame, but that's life.

Your parents can fuck off with the attitudes they are showing.

Your parents are entitled and toxic if they are willing to put their own selfish needs over the needs of said grandchild.

Anyone who takes me to court to treat MY child like a timeshare would be cut off immediately. The only people who need a custody arrangement is the parents.

Poor you, how stressful to have so many demands made on you when you are doing your best. Can the grandparents show up at your house to offer some childcare? Pick them up from school and take them to clubs etc?

It's just odd - there are a couple of threads on here presently about grandparents who want to take babies and children for weekly / overnight stays or long days out without their parents, and who get most put out when the parent says the child's welfare trumps their grandparently 'right' to this.

Where is the understanding of the fact that babies and children need their parents most - they aren't fashion accessories.

This sounds a bit like your parents wanting to parent your DC, are they just fighting to see who can have them most or are they trying to compensate for something in the way they’ll parented you? This is way out of line for me. My parents had their chance to be a good parent to me, you don’t get to try again with your grandchildren by trying to take over the parenting role.

I'd just cut contact - I'm usually a peacemaker, but fuck that.

You know what OP...tough shit. You MUST put yourself and your child first.
You are working hard. Getting no child support and no support from your "parents". Can they not see that? You only have the energy to care for you and your child.
They should bloody well be ashamed of themselves.
What useful suggestions have they come up with other than being zbusive?
Just tell them all to sod off.
I totally get this as I was a single mother too.

I could hardly get my parents to agree to have DC overnight. Yours are desperate for it. How different people are.

Your parents attitude and behaviour is very very odd.
It's possessive and inappropriate.
Anyone demanding alone time with my DC would be refused simply because that's a strange thing to insist on. I would be concerned about why they feel the need to so pointedly exclude the child's parent. Red flag.

They can fuck off then I'm afraid.

Your parents may be using access to their grandchild as competition between each other - it's about which one of them gets to see him most, not about building a relationship with him, and sadly isn't about supporting you.

It's ridiculous that you have to go through mediation with them, particularly separately, and particularly as they're not engaging in good faith. They sound toxic and selfish and as if they would not be any loss from your life, or your sons life.

They sound absolutely toxic. What would happen if you cut contact altogether?

They’ve also both tried to petition the court for access to DC, 1 overnight a month each and 1 overnight every week of school holidays (so 1 each at October, February and June half terms, 2 nights each at Christmas and Easter, and 6 nights each in the summer). My dad also asked that he be allowed to take DC away for 1 week every year and that it would have to be during term time as he won’t go away in holidays.

Their sense of entitlement to your child is breathtaking.

I'd be going No Contact tbh.

I missed the bit where your father insisted on a week's holiday in term time (so they'd miss a week's education). Deranged!

Not read the full thread, so apologies if this has been asked/ answered. I know your post is about your parents' behaviour, but the first question that springs to my mind is: When do YOU get quality time with your child? In your place I would be petitioning the court to change the contact days so you get one day of the weekend each. Since your ex does not work, let him provide childcare/ do school runs etc mid week. Surely he can't just refuse to be a parent, especially if it's court ordered?

What?! They want to see their GDC but on their own, and they don't want you, their own daughter, to be there? That is absurd and really nasty of them.

They are such toxic manipulators. Do you have any siblings? I was wondering what their relationship is like with you and your parents.