Going from EOW for 1 night to 50/50, preparing myself

[7YOChangeToContact]

Posting here as I think this part of MN will be gentler than chat or AIBU

Currently ExH has contact EOW for 1 night. He took me to court when DD was 3 (we split the year before) he was violent and controlling so even though he wanted full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50, then back to full residency for him but me getting EOW for 1 night.

He was awarded EOW for 1 night instead and 2 nights for tea.

DD is now 7, school year 3.

He never has her in the week anymore but has been consistent with the overnight contact. He always attended school plays or sports days, always attends swimming presentations or Rainbows/Brownies badge giving. But illness and medical appointments (DD has some medical issues) have always been my responsibility, I have always told him about them before they happen but he’s never attended. If she was ever naughty at school (its happened a few times, nothing very bad but she can back chat sometimes – I know it’s bad but compared to the boy who trashes the room most days I wouldn’t say it’s really bad) that’s my fault and he lectures me (often in front of the teacher) about how I need to learn to control her.

In the last 6 months he’s stepped up a bit more which got me suspicious. He started asking about her after appointments, asked about meetings and parents evenings, taking an even bigger interest in activities she does etc. But still leaving illness and appointments to me. Just before Christmas he asked me to send her to a new holiday club, he did all the running around for it although I still paid for it.

Last week I received papers from the court for a variation of the current order. He’s asking for 50/50.

School have told me they will tell cafcass what they believe is best for DD and that’s more contact with her father.

A meeting with my solicitor suggests that he’s likely to get 50/50 as he’s been consistent with the overnight contact plus what school are saying about her needing more contact with him.

This isn’t about stopping him. I’ve resigned myself to it and cried my tears about it as I don’t believe it’s in DDs best interests but it’s not up to me now.

This is about preparing myself for that. The change to my relationship with my DD – we are really close and I admit I miss her when she’s at her dads but I never tell her that and knowing I’ll still be 100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

So has anyone been in this situation and managed to cope financially? I suspect this is what it’s about, not just the maintenance but trying to force me to not be able to cope financially so I ask him for help and he can then become RP and get maintenance out of me – He doesn’t know I earn more than him but he can probably work it out, he wouldn’t let me work so I didn’t get my job until a year after I left him.

Violent and controlling yet school will recommend that he gets the 50/50? Can you go back to court?

Is there a way you can get some of the appointments and uniform money written in to whatever he is proposing? As in ok mate, 50/50 but if appointments fall on your week then that's your lookout. A week about should work for 2 sets of uniform. One at each house.

@Cherrysoup

Violent and controlling yet school will recommend that he gets the 50/50? Can you go back to court?

@Cherrysoup I've had the court papers from him asking for 50/50 they are genuine papers as they're from the court who did the original order. I will of course fight it as will my solicitor but she's not hopeful that we'll keep it as is, and thinks he will probably get 50/50

@Northernsoullover

Is there a way you can get some of the appointments and uniform money written in to whatever he is proposing? As in ok mate, 50/50 but if appointments fall on your week then that's your lookout. A week about should work for 2 sets of uniform. One at each house.

@Northernsoullover It's more than 2 sets she'll need, she can get through up to 8 sets a week because of her conditions meaning she often ends up changing part or her whole uniform at lunchtime sometimes it doesn't even make it to morning play time before needing a change. So she'll need 16 sets across the two homes.

And things will still need to go between as she has a Brownies hoodie with badges on, I can't see her wanting another one without the badges on.

If he gets 50/50 then he obviously has to pay for childcare and clothing etc on his days.

@JustWonderingIfYou

If he gets 50/50 then he obviously has to pay for childcare and clothing etc on his days.

@JustWonderingIfYou He won't though, I have to send clothes with her for the weekend as he refuses to provide them. He has clothes for her as I've seen photos of her in clothes I don't recognise but if I don't send clothes he brings her home in her dressing gown and makes her take it off when she gets back here.

@Cherrysoup

Violent and controlling yet school will recommend that he gets the 50/50? Can you go back to court?

@Cherrysoup On the violent and controlling point, he's very charming, everyone loves him. I've lost friends of it because they believe him, he has criminal charges but it took me ages to actually get those because the police didn't believe me for ages.

My solicitor works with woman who've been in DA and DV relationship a lot and says she sees it all the time, and mostly the judges don't believe the women because the men are so charming and manipulative.

You definitely need to let the school know. Re uniform, you really need that official, so he has half the sets she needs and you don’t have to send clothes, that’s ridiculous if it is going to be 50/50. Get your solicitor to write saying it is unacceptable to deliver her home in her dressing gown.

@Cherrysoup

You definitely need to let the school know. Re uniform, you really need that official, so he has half the sets she needs and you don’t have to send clothes, that’s ridiculous if it is going to be 50/50. Get your solicitor to write saying it is unacceptable to deliver her home in her dressing gown.

@Cherrysoup My solcitior did write to him the first time he did it, and his solicitor wrote back saying he's not commiting neglect because he is returning her to her home address and she's warm and dry in the car and warm and dry when she gets into my house so he's not doing anything wrong.

Well then he can continue to do that. You’re not responsible for paying for anything on his days. That’s why no maintenance is payable for 50/50, so get that straight from the start. Get yourself a hobby/social life on the days she’s with him and wave her off with a cheery smile. Nothing more likely to make him drop the 50/50 than seeing that you’re happy about it!

@RoyKentsChestHair

Well then he can continue to do that. You’re not responsible for paying for anything on his days. That’s why no maintenance is payable for 50/50, so get that straight from the start. Get yourself a hobby/social life on the days she’s with him and wave her off with a cheery smile. Nothing more likely to make him drop the 50/50 than seeing that you’re happy about it!

@RoyKentsChestHair I'm already doing the figures, working out how much I'll have to live off. I'd be happy to split her activites 50/50, so I pay for one him the other (he'll probably go for Brownies to pay for as it's far cheaper than swimming, it's only £45 for 12 weeks whereas swimming is £35 a month - so brownies is £3.75 ish a week whereas swimming is £9 ish a week)

I'm going to start putting the maintenance money and half the CB into another account, as he'll likely want half the CB, and see if I can manage financially.

I think as well you need to get it set out exactly what 50/50 means

So illness/appointment/childcare/costs for things - how they are split. He needs to provide all of these things.

100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

Get all of this set out as much as you can now. You wont be paying for childcare. You will pay for your days. It should be set out who does what so you do what is on your side. And leave the rest.

50/50 means 50/50 so get it all down exactly how it is going to work

This is the guy who lives with his mother on the weekend he has your DD so he doesn't have to look after her by himself? Who never has her for any extra time? Who doesn't want her to do the activities she enjoys, but something he his mother wants instead? Sorry I don't even need to AS, I remember you and your cat

@Quartz2208

I think as well you need to get it set out exactly what 50/50 means

So illness/appointment/childcare/costs for things - how they are split. He needs to provide all of these things.

100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

Get all of this set out as much as you can now. You wont be paying for childcare. You will pay for your days. It should be set out who does what so you do what is on your side. And leave the rest.

50/50 means 50/50 so get it all down exactly how it is going to work

@Quartz2208 I can do that for childcare and activities and school holidays but my Solicitor has pointed out I can't force him to take her to appointments, and he could choose not to take her, which is even worse for her as her conditions need regular checks. So I still have all the expense of taking her - petrol to get there, car parking, possibly lunch (even a packed lunch from home costs money) if it's a whole morning or day one.

And I doubt he'll pay for childcare, he's supposed to have her on the two full days that he has her for tea in holidays but never does and always tells me to keep her so I end up booking holiday club so I can work, again solicitor says he can't be forced to have her.

@HelloKeith

This is the guy who lives with his mother on the weekend he has your DD so he doesn't have to look after her by himself? Who never has her for any extra time? Who doesn't want her to do the activities she enjoys, but something he his mother wants instead? Sorry I don't even need to AS, I remember you and your cat

@HelloKeith Unfortunately it looks like he's getting 50/50, which sounds ridiculous but with what school said and his consistency of overnights my solicitor says it's very likely. We will fight it, but we're not hopeful

If it goes 50/50 and it's one week on, one week off

You send her to his house with a set of clothes on and he has to fund school uniforms when it's his week. He'll look bad if he sends her without a uniform on, people like him don't like to look bad so he'll have to buy her lots of uniforms.
You pay for her childcare, brownies, swimming etc when she's with you, he pays in his weeks or she doesn't go. Don't start getting manipulated into paying for her as you don't want to see her 'going without' his week, his responsibility.
Childcare on his week = he arranges and sorts out himself

It will be difficult but you HAVE to step back, don't arrange anything for him, don't sort his childcare, or brownies etc, he can buy her a brownies uniform. You can't afford to facilitate his contact time

The only thing I'd keep a watch on is her doctors or hospital appointments

Oh and if he starts to tell you that he can't have her on a certain week, such as school holidays. Just refuse! His time he needs to sort alternate arrangements if he can't look after her.

I’m shocked he’s likely to get 50/50 instead of increasing to 2 night EOW or even 1 night every weekend.

What was the reason he stopped the week day visits?
I would start with this in court that he failed to keep up with these.

If 50/50 does happen then change your way of thinking.
He should absolutely step up and do his fair share. Why is it fair that you do 90% of the work.
Your relationship with DD won’t change for the worse, it may even get better as she’ll be excited to see you and you’ll get to be a fun parent too whilst he’ll have to deal with the boring day to day stuff.

Use the time to have some well deserved you time and get some new friends and go out and have fun!
Make sure you post videos and photos so he can see your not sat there crying and lonely like he hoped you would be.

50/50 you aren’t responsible for childcare on his days neither are you responsible for clothes at his. The court won’t look too kindly on him returning her in a dressing gown so make sure they know this as she should be returned in the clothes she wore to go to his, they will see it as petty on his part and not in kids interest! If no maintenance is payable( and that’s not always the case with 50/50) then activities should be split equally not him choosing the lowest amount and school uniform split aswell. Child benefit won’t be split either they don’t split it between parents even with 50/50 cao.

@2DogsOnMySofa

If it goes 50/50 and it's one week on, one week off

You send her to his house with a set of clothes on and he has to fund school uniforms when it's his week. He'll look bad if he sends her without a uniform on, people like him don't like to look bad so he'll have to buy her lots of uniforms.
You pay for her childcare, brownies, swimming etc when she's with you, he pays in his weeks or she doesn't go. Don't start getting manipulated into paying for her as you don't want to see her 'going without' his week, his responsibility.
Childcare on his week = he arranges and sorts out himself

It will be difficult but you HAVE to step back, don't arrange anything for him, don't sort his childcare, or brownies etc, he can buy her a brownies uniform. You can't afford to facilitate his contact time

The only thing I'd keep a watch on is her doctors or hospital appointments

@2DogsOnMySofa I've accepted she'll probably end up giving up 1 or both of her activities because he won't pay for them and he may not take her, and I know Brownies don't like you only attending EO, and Swimming you're only allowed to miss one in every payment period (monthly so 4 or 5 lessons) regularly (occasional illness, holidays etc. are accepted to miss 2 or 3 in a row if you let them know).

And this is why 50/50 with people like this never works.

Sympathies op.

So he's asking for more contact even though he doesn't take up the contact he already has?
You said he asks you to keep her on those days, have you kept the texts/ messages?
I think this should be the main thrust of your argument, your solicitor should be advising you on this.
It's a big step to go from one night EOW to 50:50, and surely it would be better for DD to do this gradually, with him taking her consistently 2 nights a week for several months before going on to 50:50.
If school are not backing you up, are they aware that he's refusing to have her more often than he takes her?
Is there anyone else who can speak on your behalf?

@WonderfulYou

I’m shocked he’s likely to get 50/50 instead of increasing to 2 night EOW or even 1 night every weekend.

What was the reason he stopped the week day visits?
I would start with this in court that he failed to keep up with these.

If 50/50 does happen then change your way of thinking.
He should absolutely step up and do his fair share. Why is it fair that you do 90% of the work.
Your relationship with DD won’t change for the worse, it may even get better as she’ll be excited to see you and you’ll get to be a fun parent too whilst he’ll have to deal with the boring day to day stuff.

Use the time to have some well deserved you time and get some new friends and go out and have fun!
Make sure you post videos and photos so he can see your not sat there crying and lonely like he hoped you would be.

@WonderfulYou

What was the reason he stopped the week day visits?

He just says he can't do them anymore as work won't let him have the time off. Not sure how true it is but my solicitor thinks this is reasonable and probably be accepted by the court. If he gets 50/50 he could use childcare if work won't give him the time off.

Currently childcare is only holiday club as my mum helps me with pick up and drop off in term time. There's no wrap around at school so I don't know how he'd manage that.

I've accepted he won't pay for her activities and he probably won't take her (neither of them are on the nights he's supposed to have her) so she'll likely have to give them up as both Brownies and Swimming don't like you regularly missing too many.

I would be keeping a log of the weekly contact he's missed and called this out to the court.

You say he's been consistent with his contact, but it seems he's not been consistent as he's missed his midweek contact.

@DelphiniumBlue

So he's asking for more contact even though he doesn't take up the contact he already has? You said he asks you to keep her on those days, have you kept the texts/ messages? I think this should be the main thrust of your argument, your solicitor should be advising you on this. It's a big step to go from one night EOW to 50:50, and surely it would be better for DD to do this gradually, with him taking her consistently 2 nights a week for several months before going on to 50:50. If school are not backing you up, are they aware that he's refusing to have her more often than he takes her? Is there anyone else who can speak on your behalf?

@DelphiniumBlue School have seen the current court order and know he's supposed to have her two nights a week but both the headteacher and her current teacher have said it's life if he's working and plenty of other parents don't consistently pick up their DC but aren't punished for it.

They know he was violent and controlling but said it's not their business (understandably).

They say DD needs to see him more because she's unsettled when she's been with him and they think she'd settle down more having a proper routine with him.